If a girl breaks up with because she met someone else, has she done anything wrong?

[jayboy]

Hi

 

If you are with a girl for many years and she tells you out of the blue she doesn't want to be with you anymore because she doesn't love you anymore....but then you find out she is seeing someone soon afterwards and in all likelyhood she may have been seeing him before the break up which made up her mind to end things....has she done anything wrong technically?

[NopeNah]

Why does it matter? She left you for him and is gone.

[boldjack]

Pard, I don't think there ARE any technical manuals for breaking up. You just have to wing it, like the rest of us. She didn't disrespect you and has ended it when she found somebody new. Live with it and move on.

[jayboy]

Don't you think she should have maybe attempted to try and work things out...or does this show she runs away from problems?

[NopeNah]

Don't you think she should have maybe attempted to try and work things out...or does this show she runs away from problems?

I don't know her or you so, I can't say...but, she didn't and that's ALL you have to go off of.. It's over!

[harmfulsweetz]

If her attention was swayed, then it was good of her to end it with you. Chances are, she met him before she broke it off with you. Whether or not she cheated is another matter, I can't answer that. Let's go with she hadn't, she met someone else, realized her attention wasn't in the R anymore and ended it with you.

 

She ended it and this pretty much sums it all up. She didn't want to work through it, and I know its hard, I get that completely, but maybe it wasn't so out of the blue? Maybe there were problems? I broke up with someone once, and they said they were totally blindsided with it, it was out of the blue apparently. It wasn't, it was just he hadn't paid attention to what was really going on. It's easy to do, but not easy to recognise when we're doing it. Have a long, hard think about why you think it went wrong (not including the guy) and work on those issues. There will have been something.

[ClayM]

Jay, let me answer this straight for you. Same thing just happened to me. YES, it is VERY WRONG. The world has these liberal rules that tell humans, "do what makes you happy" not to do what's RIGHT. I was in a 6 year relationship where i loved the girl so much you couldnt even imagine; im only 2 months out of it. I've been treated like total crap and this new guy, 10 years older than us, now has my world in his hands, no sacrifice, didn't have to do CRAP. I gave up 6 damn years of my life in a town i absolutley hate just to be by her side and i've taken a job where i make barely 40k a year, and commute 45 mins both ways working 60 hr weeks. We were talking about marriage almost 2 days before it was all over. That's WRONG. I've gone through hell to be with her, and the day she meets him it's the hell with me, all our memories, all we've gone through, EVERYTHING. Some will argue that, "if she's not happy, it wasn't meant to be, yadda yadda", and that would be fair, however; its wrong to get with another man that quick and push the knife further through the guys heart who owes you loyalty and respect. She needs to take time for herself ALONE and respect YOU. But it's a free country and God gave humans free will which gives us the opportunity to determine a good person from a shady one. It sucks man, i dont know why its ever condoned, its NOT OK. She is WRONG. Good luck man, im hurting too, happens to the best of us.

[Citizen Erased]

I doubt anyone can say what she did was right. It's likely she doesn't love you because she met this guy, things may have been great before she did. Will people saying she did something horrible change the situation? I doubt it.

[Tayla]

Clay, I partially agree with you from an adult obligation stance. Honesty would have prevailed if it was applied.

I will say this about your mental attitude, I cringe at anyone who comes off as the martyr and says they "gave up 6 years of their life"- What were you in prison? Seriously that part is most irritating even as an adult to read. No one gives UP in a relationship but DOES share those years be they good or challenging...so maybe you need to realize that your former partner was less then forthright with themself and will continue such with their new choice. Think of it as a free get out of jail card if you so choose......

Yes morally the person didn't follow the norm in being adult to come forth BEFORE changing Horses so to speak.

[AliveAndKicking]

<EDITED>

Have a long, hard think about why you think it went wrong (not including the guy) and work on those issues. There will have been something.

 

Not necessarily. People DO flake. Partners DO sometimes bail for no valid reason whatsoever.

 

While I can agree that yes, it was something, nowhere is it carved in stone that is was something on his end that he must work on.

 

I don't know any more about his sitch than you do but I don't think it is fair to drop the whole "you have issues you must work on as you certainly failed in some way" thing in his lap at this point. Obviously he's kind of torn up right about now and is probably trying to just get his head around what the heck just happened when his world blew up. I'm sure he'll get to the whole "OMG I'm a mess what is wrong with me" part before too long without any help.

____________________

 

Jayboy- Right now you just want answers, some understanding, something to make sense out of this midscrambling catastrophe. Answers and understanding will come in time. Just hang tough right now and take care of yourself.

 

You're hurting, your world is upside down, but you can and you will get through this. Don't stress-out on the details right now- just get your head around the fact that she bolted, you're on your own again, and a whole new llife for you just started. One world just ended and another one just began. Stay positive, post as needed, read lots of posts, and don't waste another minute of your life on your ex.

 

Treat yourself with great care in this trying time.

 

Best wishes.

[reservoirdog1]

Hi

 

If you are with a girl for many years and she tells you out of the blue she doesn't want to be with you anymore because she doesn't love you anymore....but then you find out she is seeing someone soon afterwards and in all likelyhood she may have been seeing him before the break up which made up her mind to end things....has she done anything wrong technically?

If she started boning him while still nominally with you, then she was cheating on you. But, she's gone now -- and you're better off without trash like her. She may be a cheater, but at least she's no longer YOUR cheater. I wouldn't envy the poor bastard she's screwing now. If she'll cheat with him, she'll cheat on him.

[SoleMate]

Did she do something wrong? It depends.

 

If she swore she would never leave you and asked you to therefore sacrifice for her, and you DID, maybe she was wrong.

 

But that's not the usual case. Instead, she just decides that it isn't working any more.

 

By what bizarre reasoning do you think she had a lifetime obligation to stay with you? Did she know when she agreed to be your girlfriend that it was a lifetime indenture???

[jayboy]

Did she do something wrong? It depends.

 

If she swore she would never leave you and asked you to therefore sacrifice for her, and you DID, maybe she was wrong.

 

But that's not the usual case. Instead, she just decides that it isn't working any more.

 

By what bizarre reasoning do you think she had a lifetime obligation to stay with you? Did she know when she agreed to be your girlfriend that it was a lifetime indenture???

 

We had both discussed very long term issues, such as our potential childrens education, life insurance, and lots of other things that indicated to me that this was going to go the distance.....not to mention she asked me to marry a couple of moths before.

 

The thing I keep thinking is.....we had never had a major issue during the 8 years and she implies she couldn't give me any more chances....I had'nt had any chances before, this was the first time we had had a problem.!!

 

She was so determined not to give things a try after 8 years and no real bad behaviour on my part...to my mind she owed the relationship a chance.

[nobleguy]

YES, it is VERY WRONG.

 

I think it is too. Mine thinks that morally she has done nothing wrong. I do.

 

She waited for green lights (yes, plural) over the last year before having the guts to do anything. She always said there was no-one else yet the same names cropped up to show what she was saying were lies.

 

But having said that, if she doesn't want to be with you then she doesn't want to be with you. Does it make her evil? Don't know, each situation is different...

 

I'm very much of the opinion that now I'm nearly 4 months in I can recognise that whether she did it right or not, she's done it and there's nothing I can do about it.

 

[jayboy]

If she started boning him while still nominally with you, then she was cheating on you. But, she's gone now -- and you're better off without trash like her. She may be a cheater, but at least she's no longer YOUR cheater. I wouldn't envy the poor bastard she's screwing now. If she'll cheat with him, she'll cheat on him.

 

The funny thing is she used to tell me how he would sleep with girls at the office then dump them, and she told me his last relationship was with a woman who already had a boyfriend too. She used to say she was disgusted with his behaviour....maybe she was just saying that to throw me off the scent in hindsight.

[WTRanger]

The funny thing is she used to tell me how he would sleep with girls at the office then dump them, and she told me his last relationship was with a woman who already had a boyfriend too. She used to say she was disgusted with his behaviour....maybe she was just saying that to throw me off the scent in hindsight.

 

Its because this new douchebag is exciting to her. She fell out of he excitement with you, and she's chasing something she thinks she can change. Its childish, yet it shows she is still in jerk-mode and has no intention of settling down. Even though it hurts, you are better off without someone like this in your life.

[sean1970]

YES, it is VERY WRONG.

 

We want it to be, but that does not make it so if she did not cheat. Does not make it suck any less, however.

[Ronni_W]

in all likelyhood she may have been seeing him before the break up which made up her mind to end things....has she done anything wrong technically?

jayboy,

The thing is, did what/how she did it cause you emotional pain? If so, it is irrelevant if the rest of the world would deem her actions "right", or if we would all judge her actions "wrong", technically or otherwise. Important to you is that what/how she did was not good for your heart, emotionally speaking.

 

Your feelings are valid regardless of anything else; they don't depend on her intentions or her truth/reality. Where you are now, basically, is to do the work to heal any hurt that you felt as the result of your experience.

 

 

To me, nobody is obligated to work through any relationship issue -- that is a free will choice -- but those who value the relationship highly enough usually are prepared to at least try to resolve problems.

It is very possible that having another guy in the wings made it easier for her to choose to not deal with the probs in your relationship, but that is also telling you something about how she'd grown to think and feel about, and see, the chances of you two actually resolving whatever issues to mutual satisfaction.

 

It sucks, is the bottom line. It sucks and it hurts.

Hugs.

[Thornton]

If she was dating or sleeping with him while still with you, then yes, she is in the wrong. You have no way of knowing that's what she did though - maybe she was having feelings for someone else and broke off your relationship before she acted on them. Would you rather she stayed with you even if she didn't really love you and was having feelings for someone else? The only reason people try to stick with relationships that they're not 100% happy with is if they're married and/or have kids, neither of which applied to you. The fact is, she can't have been 100% happy because she left - there must have been something that suggested to you that your relationship was not exactly perfect?

 

I can sort of empathise, because I dated a guy for three years and he was nice enough but not exactly my ideal guy, and there were obvious issues with our relationship. Someone else caught my eye, and at roughly the same time my bf proposed - which forced me to acknowledge that I wasn't 100% happy with him and didn't want to marry him, because I had more feelings for another guy than I had for him, so I broke off the relationship. I didn't feel obliged to work on that relationship, because we had no ties and I wasn't in love with him - I preferred to date someone else rather than work on things with him. With hindsight I can say that I was never really happy in that relationship, I was "settling" for him, which is why I ended the relationship (instead of working on it) when a better option came along.

[jayboy]

If she was dating or sleeping with him while still with you, then yes, she is in the wrong. You have no way of knowing that's what she did though - maybe she was having feelings for someone else and broke off your relationship before she acted on them. Would you rather she stayed with you even if she didn't really love you and was having feelings for someone else? The only reason people try to stick with relationships that they're not 100% happy with is if they're married and/or have kids, neither of which applied to you. The fact is, she can't have been 100% happy because she left - there must have been something that suggested to you that your relationship was not exactly perfect?

 

I can sort of empathise, because I dated a guy for three years and he was nice enough but not exactly my ideal guy, and there were obvious issues with our relationship. Someone else caught my eye, and at roughly the same time my bf proposed - which forced me to acknowledge that I wasn't 100% happy with him and didn't want to marry him, because I had more feelings for another guy than I had for him, so I broke off the relationship. I didn't feel obliged to work on that relationship, because we had no ties and I wasn't in love with him - I preferred to date someone else rather than work on things with him. With hindsight I can say that I was never really happy in that relationship, I was "settling" for him, which is why I ended the relationship (instead of working on it) when a better option came along.

 

I do understand what you are saying, but wouldn't you agree that her asking me to marry her a month or so before she broke up with me would lead me to beleive she was happy?

[BCCA]

I do understand what you are saying, but wouldn't you agree that her asking me to marry her a month or so before she broke up with me would lead me to beleive she was happy?

 

Well, did she have a ring, and get down on one knee to ask for your hand in marrige? If not, chances are she was testing you, and hoping you werent down for the marrige so she would have another reason to leave. When you were interested, it probably never went any farther. I know where youre coming from, my ex and I discussed raising our kids, etc days before she left, but that doesnt mean she was happy.

 

I didn't feel obliged to work on that relationship, because we had no ties and I wasn't in love with him - I preferred to date someone else rather than work on things with him. With hindsight I can say that I was never really happy in that relationship, I was "settling" for him, which is why I ended the relationship (instead of working on it) when a better option came along.

 

Sometimes, it takes a better option to make you realize what you have. If someone is looking elsewhere, they arent happy, and its just a matter of time. I hear the term 'settling' a lot, and what it seems to basically come down to is if the person thinks they could be happier with someone else, you're doomed.

 

The sad truth is that no one owes you anything, and the only person responsible for your happiness is you.

[jayboy]

No she didn't get down on one knee, but we did go shopping for rings so I had an idea of what style to choose, and she did tell several members on both sides of our family that we were looking for rings.

 

Still all irrelevant now I guess, just a major mind f*ck

[ADF]

Hi

 

If you are with a girl for many years and she tells you out of the blue she doesn't want to be with you anymore because she doesn't love you anymore....but then you find out she is seeing someone soon afterwards and in all likelyhood she may have been seeing him before the break up which made up her mind to end things....has she done anything wrong technically?

 

Yes, she has done something wrong. It is called "lying."

[Thornton]

No she didn't get down on one knee, but we did go shopping for rings so I had an idea of what style to choose, and she did tell several members on both sides of our family that we were looking for rings.

 

Still all irrelevant now I guess, just a major mind f*ck

 

My ex and I went ring shopping too, and our families knew he was buying me a ring for Christmas... we even booked a special celebratory trip. As time passed I felt more and more uncomfortable with the idea though, and I backed off over the course of a couple of months... I told him I felt unsure and I ended up going on the trip with my mum instead, to take time to think about things. A few days after returning from the trip it was all over. Several years later I repeated the mistake with someone else... we even had an engagement party and I moved in with him. This time it took four months for the relationship to end, because I was more invested in it and tried harder to make it work. What I'm saying is that an engagement and the prospect of spending the rest of your life with this person is often the trigger which makes someone seriously evaluate the relationship, and it can take a while for that doubt to crystallise and for the relationship to end.

[sally4sara]

I love my fiance very much.

If, for some unforseeable reason, I wake up tomorrow and meet someone I can't catch my breath around, my heart races, and I just barely can keep my hands off of them -

 

Well I'd have to end my relationship. My personal code of conduct would demand it. Anything else would be less than my fiance deserves and and I'm not sure my self image would recover if I got my beginnings in before finishing my endings.