NightBirdSong Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Okay, First let me say hello... I'm a new member and this is my 1st post. Not sure how much I can type here, but bear with me, I have to tell the whole story and need your advise....hopefully if you start reading you'll get hooked and read to the end!! LOL! There was a guy that I've known since I was young, about 9 or 10. our parents were best friends and we did summer vacation trips together and all holidays. This guys was my first love, first crush. I remember fantasies of him when I was little, but cute little girl ones, like holding his hand, sitting on a wooded swing next to him stuff Anyway, as we got older we both had other boy/girl friends and it just seemed like bad timing and we are both shy. The parents knew we crushed on each other when we were young but as we got older when he had a girlfriend, I was single or when he was single, i was with someone, like I said, it just seemed like bad timing. We talked on the phone a few times and we laughed about how because of our parents it seemed like we were suppose to end up together. But we never went out on a official date... not one. He was shy and I guess never got the courage to ask me and over time I kinda felt like he wasn't my type anyway.... Fast forward a bit... I was about 25 (years old) and it was getting serious with the guy I was dating and I started to feel like I might end up marrying this guy SO being the way I am, I wanted to make sure I didn't have any doubts or unanswered questions before I got more serious with my boyfriend and I made it a point to go to this "First Love's" home (that he owned, lived alone, was single at this point) to talk and wish him a happy b-day actually but to see if "anything was there still". I didn't get this overwhelming feeling of attraction, just the same feeling as always, like I cared for him and he DIDN'T make a move on me, talk about dating, nothing. So I left there thinking, "Okay, nothing here... I have closeure and I can proceed with this current guy." (Note, the 1st love didn't know about boyfriend, so that couldn't have been excuse for no action, etc.) Next big thing: So I buy home with boyfriend and get pregnant by surprise - not planned. So we decided to get married, but not just because of baby, we actually planned it before I found out I was preggo. I spend a holiday with family as always and my boyfriend had to work. I was barely 3 months at this point, not even showing. The first love shows up (still single). A teenage girl, daughter of one of our parents friends shows up and starts flirting with first love... big time. I nearly lost my mind... I wanted to beat her ass. I was feeling like "He is mine!!!" I started REALLY freaking out cause here I am with feelings that have been inside me for HOW LONG? and coming out NOW?! I was so depressed! I was pregnant! If I hadn't been pregnant, honestly, I probably would have called off the wedding to explore what had re surfaced! But I thought, oh well, time will heal me... especially since I don't see him often. Next thing: Some side info I need to give you, but go with me....it gets really good (sad for me) here. At this point I have this crazy but good friend, actually my best friend. My only one. She's a good friend to me, but a hoe/bitch with guys. She used guys, lied, cheated on them, manipulated them and was a text book case gold-digger. But she was a good friend to me so I didn't care how she was with guys, it didn't affect me right? So that was my thought.... she was my maid of honor at my wedding, also sleeping with my cousin (he knew how she was, he was using her for sex) and she had a guy she was wanting to marry in Califormia. At the wedding rehersal, my mom's friend (1st love's mom) didn't know her well, didn't know she was how she is and made the comment to her "I've got a son I want you to meet!" Then she proceeds to tell me (and add to my misery) that she spoke to the first love and asked if he was coming to the wedding in which he replied, "How can I go and see her get married?" (Sniff, sniff...) When the best friend told me later about mom's friend mentioning the son (my 1st love) I said NO! I told her kindly that I would her rather not talk to him, I even asked her to stay away from him that night, I told her she could talk to anyone (she was even flirting with my boyfriends brother / my now brother -in-law at the rehersal) just not him. Then I made the mistake (well, now I see as mistake, then I thought I was sharing with my best friend) of showing pictures of he and i while growing up at a dance slow dancing together at a graduation party when we were early twenties, playing around as kids, etc. The big shock: I didn't see him but once at the reception and we just greeted as normal and I didn't see him again. Later the next day, bf tells me she exchanged numbers with him and they went out on date. WOW, this is where the creepyness begins. I couldn't possibly bare seeing them together so I broke off our friendship telling her she was selfess and she hurt me. She put up this wall and was completely emotionless with me, like she didn't give a crap of how she hurt me. She begins to move really fast with him, moving in his house, getting pregnant, getting married and draining his $$$ accounts. Making him change jobs and therefore taking out all his 401k he had saved and spending it. I was so hurt. After seeing how she was being, my mom's friends, his parents, began to hate her and she then began to keep him from them... I know that sounds crazy, but he was ready to settled down and from what I hear, begining to fear ending up alone so he let her run the show. AND remeber, she is a MASTER manipulator and queen of mind games and lies. They have 2 kids now, it had been 4 years since I had seen either one of them... until this past weekend. 0_0 !!!! Mom's freind's other son got married, we had to be there of course!! And first love was best man. I was soooo nervous.... BUT it seemed like he was over me. She was a total bitch, I made it point to say hi to him and her (separately) - to be the 'bigger' person. He walked by my mom and laughed and said "Well, at least those 2 are talking!" But it was crap, I left from talking to her feeling like she had not changed and was still self absorbed and full of ****. Talking about her great life and not even asking about me and my life. But here's the issue... I feel like I am not over him! I was so sad. I feel like I can't leave my husband (I'm not because of kids and religous belief) and I do love him, but I feel like I made a mistake - big time. I feel like she (ex bf) is living my life. It is weird, mom's friend (his mom) has made the comment that all her stuff (furniture, appliances, decor) look like mine (she had been to my home before all this happened). She even named her daughter a name kinda like my daughter, not same name but we call them the same nickname for those whole names... AND she knew how bad I wanted to go to Italy, all my life I wanted to go there, now I hear she and my 1st love are planning a trip there. (He never knew that though...) It's like, what the hell? She turned into this monster and dated him in spite of me!??? and is trying to live my life or life I would have had just because she knew I regretted missing out on him (as I confided the night before the wedding) She enjoyed this so much that after the wedding, when the stuff 1st started "hitting the fan" and I ended our friendship, she started telling people around town it was because I still loved her boyfriend!!!! I of course denyed the **** out of it, even writing a letter to her that HE (1st love read) saying I never had romatic feelings for him, but brotherly ones and I was just upset cause i didn't want her to hurt him. So by him reading that I think that 'helped' him 'get over me'. I feel horrible! I feel like I have so much left unsaid. I have so much to lose and I don't want to hurt my husband. I just feel like I should tell 1st love how I feel and always felt. What do you think??? Please help, should I just get over it and hope time heals me and just live with this sometimes unbearable regret (I've had so many dreams about him and her over the past 4 years). He seems happy married to his train wreck.... I want to tell him I'm sorry, but if he's over me, he won't care right? AHHH! I don't know.... please tell me what you think of all this!
AliveAndKicking Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 On my way out the door to work but... I wanted to welcome you to LS and I will read and comment on your post this evening after work. I'm glad you're here- stick around andyou will be glad too. See you tonight! :-D
GrayClouds Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 At this point I have this crazy but good friend, actually my best friend. My only one. She's a good friend to me, but a hoe/bitch with guys. She used guys, lied, cheated on them, manipulated them and was a text book case gold-digger. But she was a good friend to me so I didn't care how she was with guys, it didn't affect me right? So that was my thought.... I can never understand someone can be a friend to another despite their behavior. we should pick our friends because of their behavior. While I understand your feeling bad, I suggest your at a cross road yourself with your own live: 1. Follow the behavior of your friend and do what you want to do despite how much it hurts those around you. 2. See that you made a commitment to a husband and child and focus on your own life. The second choice is the only worthy one. Instead of worrying about the old love, trying to save him, spending energy to be angry at your so called friend, put all that into having being a loving wife, and fantastic mother, and a realized self. Your "friend" has offer you a wonderful gift. She has shown how selfish behavior is destructive and ugly. For you to do anything but choice #2 you will be behaving exactly like your "friend". Again focus on what you have, not want you don't, and make it a great as you can. I hope you already know this also means cutting your "friend" out of your life completely...for you but more importantly your new family. Also true about the "old love" he is a big boy who can make his own choices.
Author NightBirdSong Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 (edited) I can never understand someone can be a friend to another despite their behavior. we should pick our friends because of their behavior. While I understand your feeling bad, I suggest your at a cross road yourself with your own live: 1. Follow the behavior of your friend and do what you want to do despite how much it hurts those around you. 2. See that you made a commitment to a husband and child and focus on your own life. The second choice is the only worthy one. Instead of worrying about the old love, trying to save him, spending energy to be angry at your so called friend, put all that into having being a loving wife, and fantastic mother, and a realized self. Your "friend" has offer you a wonderful gift. She has shown how selfish behavior is destructive and ugly. For you to do anything but choice #2 you will be behaving exactly like your "friend". Again focus on what you have, not want you don't, and make it a great as you can. I hope you already know this also means cutting your "friend" out of your life completely...for you but more importantly your new family. Also true about the "old love" he is a big boy who can make his own choices. GrayClouds, Thank you so much for your post. I guess I already knew what you replied about, I guess it is just a matter of hearing it from someone else to help it 'sink in'. I appreciate your input and you are dead-on 100%. Thank you. I guess it is just hard right now since just seeing them and it has re-opened the wound again fresh.... Remember, it was just not the regret of the lost 1st love but I lost a best friend, double the hurt at one time. And I know what you mean about choosing friends and their behavior, but I was in jr. high when I met this girl and she was timid, shy - my first interaction with her ever was giving her a make up makeover to 'get her out of her shell', we stayed friends off and on as she had moved out of town, so on her own she mutated into what she is now, I was younger and didn't want to cut her off as a friend because of how she was with guys... I hope that make sense, anyway, THANK YOU AGAIN! I hope you have a great day! Edited November 10, 2009 by NightBirdSong mis spelling
GrayClouds Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 it was just not the regret of the lost 1st love but I lost a best friend, double the hurt at one time. Actually think of it this way, it is easier because you only have to grieve the loss of one person rather then two;) You now have a new life, as the saying goes "when I was a child I thought as a child, played as a child. When I become an adult I put away my childish things" It is time to put way the grade school friend, first love and put your effort in your Adult family, they love and depend on you. I wish you well.
AliveAndKicking Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Hello again! I've read through your post now that I've had time and I have to concur fully with GrayClouds. No sense reitterating his post as he nailed it in my opinion. I see you concur as well; As you said: Sometimes we just need to hear what we already know from someone else, preferrably someone with no vested interest in the outcome. It looks like that is just what you got here! You're gonna be just fine! Best wishes to you and yours.
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