mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 ok bent - i think your post was correct. the part about not disclosing it all and being fearful if it would one day come out. but what if i disclosed TOO much info at that makes us unable to get through the short term long enough to make it to the long term situation. my xMM (using this as an example, not focusing on him) disclosed just enough to get by. theyre trying to work through the situation. i almost feel like i would have a better shot at saving my marriage if i went this route. if my end goal is to be with my H and change my ways and be faithful forever and I'm comitted to him, then does it really matter if i would have only disclosed enough for him to give me a chance? im not saying i regret it, because at the moment i have nothing to hide and can be honsest and truthful and he knows EXACTLY where we stand. it just seems like some big hurdles to overcome.
bentnotbroken Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 The truth is always better. Yes, you will hear that you should have kept everything to yourself. How could you have dealt with that. Would you have grown resentful or allowed yourself to be abused because of guilt? How do you feel when you look in the mirror knowing that you have laid yourself bare and cleaned out the cobwebs? I won't say your marriage is over, I don't know. Whether it does or it doesn't, you have reclaimed the truth in your life. The thing about hurdles, they are made to be cleared.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 i almost feel like i would have a better shot at saving my marriage if i went this route. if my end goal is to be with my H and change my ways and be faithful forever and I'm comitted to him, then does it really matter if i would have only disclosed enough for him to give me a chance? im not saying i regret it, because at the moment i have nothing to hide and can be honsest and truthful and he knows EXACTLY where we stand. it just seems like some big hurdles to overcome. You can't even say your in love with him. Why waste time trying to save a marriage to someone your not in love with? Honestly, if they are going to stay... they will stay, regardless of the amount of info you provide.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 agreed. its easier knowing after many years of lies that i have nothing to hide. just hard to know my actions have potentially cost me my marriage. its easier to look back and feel stupid for ruining my m. i wish i could have had a clearer view of things in the midst of it all.
bentnotbroken Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I believe it is time for you to rebuild you. It is time for you to find those hurts that allowed your vision to skewed enough to take this path. Personal growth and healing is necessary for moving forward. Find out who you really are, what's the most important thing(s) to you, and find a healthy path to achieve those things. Whether it is with your H or you go it alone for awhile.
jwi71 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 i almost feel like i would have a better shot at saving my marriage if i went this route. if my end goal is to be with my H and change my ways and be faithful forever and I'm comitted to him, then does it really matter if i would have only disclosed enough for him to give me a chance? No. And I will refer back to Spark's thread (Are we doomed?)...she instinctively understands something is MISSING. Not sure what...it just is. I had the same feeling. You can read my reply to Spark in her thread. The A itself isn't the damning piece...its all the lies and deceit surrounding it. You did the absolute best thing in coming clean. What will, and perhaps already has, kill your M is the A. NOT telling the truth about it. im not saying i regret it, because at the moment i have nothing to hide and can be honsest and truthful and he knows EXACTLY where we stand. it just seems like some big hurdles to overcome. Yup, that's exactly why. And don't think your H is a clueless clod. Should you start omitting things or change your story, he WILL pick up on it. Your BEST shot at reconciliation is 100% open and honest truth. Should you survive, it will be be on the STRENGTH of your bond...and not more LIES. JW
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 and I do love him. and I AM in love with him. its funny how now that the A is over i can "remember" all of the things about him that i used to love so much. i sat there the other day giggling as he was eating french fries. he does it in this cute little way. i remember years ago thinking the same thing, but during the affair i never paid attention to those things. it was the first time that i can remember in a very long time that i "saw" those little quirks about him that i used to love so much. and i still do love those things. its just for so long i had other things from someone else to pay attention. but yes, i love him, i am IN love with him. he still is the man i want to spend forever with.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 and I do love him. and I AM in love with him. its funny how now that the A is over i can "remember" all of the things about him that i used to love so much. i sat there the other day giggling as he was eating french fries. he does it in this cute little way. i remember years ago thinking the same thing, but during the affair i never paid attention to those things. it was the first time that i can remember in a very long time that i "saw" those little quirks about him that i used to love so much. and i still do love those things. its just for so long i had other things from someone else to pay attention. but yes, i love him, i am IN love with him. he still is the man i want to spend forever with. If this is true, then let me share a thought with you. You don't just have to heal his trust in you. That won't save your marriage. In fact trust is the easiest part for some men. You have to heal the respect. You don't cheat on someone you respect. You have to find a way to fix that. I might be wrong... but I think it's perhaps worth putting some thought into.
anne1707 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 MBEG It's good to see you here - and posting about how you feel about your H. With regard to the total honesty, this really is the only way. Whilst it is extremely brutal for your H he at least has all the facts - if he chooses to stay after this then you and he both know that is because he has been able to make a fully informed decision. If he only had some details, then there are always more lies and more painful truths to be told. It will be a relentless source of new pain as yet more things come to light. This will be hell for him and will also put you in the position of still having to lie to your H, trying to remember what youdid and did not tell him. Seeing as he needs to rebuild his trust in you, the continuing lies will just be another barrier to recovery. So yes, total honesty is hell and it may also be too much for your H but this really is the better approach in the end if you hope to save your marriage. It is also the start of showing your H the respect he deserves and allows him to choose what he wants.
boomboom63 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 MBEG - you have done the right thing. When My W finally told me the truth I felt a sense of relief more than anything else - anger, sadness and betrayal too. I asked her a question that i needed an answer to - Are you in love with him? I already knew the answer to the question and if she had lied our M was over right there and then. Thankfully she was honest - We spent the worst and best weekend we have ever had in over 23 years. the truth was extremely painful but it was the only way we could start to heal. Your MM has taken another option - his M will always be built on corrupted foundations. Your new M on the other hand has truth and honesty as a foundation now. Your H can make an informed choice about staying or leaving. It is much harder to stay than go - but boy is it worth it in the end. it's like the difference between a night out at a motel and a 2 week cruise round the carribean - one takes a lot more effort to arrange and get to but it sure is more of a holiday. you did the right thing - respect! hugs and warm wishes for you
road Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 "i sat there the other day giggling as he was eating french fries. he does it in this cute little way. i remember years ago thinking the same thing, but during the affair i never paid attention to those things. it was the first time that i can remember in a very long time that i "saw" those little quirks about him that i used to love so much. and i still do love those things." Tell him the things you love about him. BH needs an ego boost, and to hear you say why you love him. As to being afraid of telling the truth. Having the truth is what your BH needs to heal. Let him control how much he needs to know. If your BH's equipment is average he does not need you to volunteer to tell him the OM eguipment was huge. Though if your BH asks how big was was the OM then tell him how big. However if the BH does not ask about if the OM's size made it better then don't tell. If the the BH asks for that then be honest and tell BH. The point is to remember let the BH control how much detail he wants to know.
Snowflower Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Hi MBEG, it's good to hear from you again. I could be misunderstanding what you wrote, but didn't you say that you had told your H everything about the affair? I'm confused because some people seem to keep telling you to do this when I thought by reading your original post, that you already had. If you did come clean, that is good! Not sure what else I can add here but my H also came clean with me was honest about what had happened. It was very difficult for both of us but I respected him for telling me the truth. I know he was ashamed and embarrassed to talk and admit some of things he did but he was truthful. It allowed me to regain more respect for him. Anyway, I wish you and your husband the best.
Snowflower Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 and I do love him. and I AM in love with him. its funny how now that the A is over i can "remember" all of the things about him that i used to love so much. i sat there the other day giggling as he was eating french fries. he does it in this cute little way. i remember years ago thinking the same thing, but during the affair i never paid attention to those things. it was the first time that i can remember in a very long time that i "saw" those little quirks about him that i used to love so much. and i still do love those things. its just for so long i had other things from someone else to pay attention. but yes, i love him, i am IN love with him. he still is the man i want to spend forever with. This is sweet. Please tell your husband this. I think it will mean a lot to him. He is probably wondering exactly what you do think of him now. It is the smallest things that you do right now that will make the most difference.
Devil Inside Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 MBEG...I like that you are not afraid to come here and process all this junk that comes from affairs. I too confessed my A. I could have gotten away with it. In fact, my W still says that she wished she never knew...that I had kept it to myself. However, I know that I would never have a shot at building (not rebuilding) a marriage with that on my conscious. In the immediate aftermath I gave my wife all access to the details of my affair. However, when she would ask a question that was attached to a very painful answer I would always take a breath and ask "do you really want to know." Some of the times she said yes....some of the times she said no. I do not think we should deny our BS any information, however, it is a kind thing to help them to really think about why they want every detail. There are important facts after the A, but some of the gory details will just lead to images that cannot be taken back. As for me as a BS, I had some questions and some information that I needed to know (i.e. protection, is it over, etc...) however, what he looked like or what their sex was like I would rather never know.
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