daddypop1 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 A few weeks ago my wife left me. She says she needs space, that we arent growing together and she has to stand on her own two feet. Our whole relationship has been destructive, because she has cheated on me alot and my lack of trust etc. I always took her back cuz I love her and didnt want to throw her away like her family did when she was younger. She always seemed sincere about loving me and wanting to be with me. Anyway, she says she is going to get her own place and has been staying with another guy and has left me at home with 3 kids. She says he is a nice guy and they are just friends. Sure thing. I had to go to town and just happened to drive by this guys house and saw her car there. I came home and told my 13 yr old that i saw her mom's car at her new boyfriends. My wife ended up calling my 13 yr old to see how she was and my daughter gave her an attitude. She told my daughter that she has been hanging out with this guy but hes not her boyfriend. She got upset and was yelling at my daughter and was saying she was going to get her own place and make her live with her. She is not my biological daughter but she wants to live with me. Should I not be saying anything to my daughter about this situation? I didnt know she was going to be talking to her mom and that she was going to say what I told her. I was just blowing off some steam and she is very mature for 13. I am really lost with all of this and my wife makes it seem like shes been thinking why we were together for a long time now. Im at home with no car, no money, no job and 3 kids. I have been ok as far as accepting the situation but part of me blames myself for what has happened. Sorry for the rambling, just really lost here. Thanks for listening..
Author daddypop1 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 Sorry, the title doesnt make sense. I need some words of wisdom Please
Cranialrupture Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 hmm I dont know if I am the best one to give advice, but I would leave the kids out of it as much as possible, its not their fault, but they are being punished just by the seperation let alone any other drama thrown onto them. Keep them out of it as much as possible. If they ask questions, just answer them honestly and do not bad mouth the other parent. It will only make you look bad. The "he's not my boyfriend" thing means nothing. She is staying with him and in my book I dont see much difference in it. Blaming yourself is only natural. But look at who has the kids and who is off playing with the non-boyfriend boyfriend. To me its pretty obvious who's to blame. But in reality it doesn't matter who's to blame. It won't change anything. Whats done is done and you can't change history. The only thing you can do is to focus on the present. If you live in the past your future is already written. Live in the present and your future is un-written. You can make it be whatever you want. Take care of yourself and your kids to the best of your abilities. The kids will see through her no matter what she says. Grab ahold those reins that is your life and give it hell. I am sure other LS peeps will have better advice than me, but I am finding out that it helps me alot to try and help others. Good luck.
trippi1432 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 A few weeks ago my wife left me. She says she needs space, that we arent growing together and she has to stand on her own two feet. Our whole relationship has been destructive, because she has cheated on me alot and my lack of trust etc. I always took her back cuz I love her and didnt want to throw her away like her family did when she was younger. She always seemed sincere about loving me and wanting to be with me. Anyway, she says she is going to get her own place and has been staying with another guy and has left me at home with 3 kids. She says he is a nice guy and they are just friends. Sure thing. I had to go to town and just happened to drive by this guys house and saw her car there. I came home and told my 13 yr old that i saw her mom's car at her new boyfriends. My wife ended up calling my 13 yr old to see how she was and my daughter gave her an attitude. She told my daughter that she has been hanging out with this guy but hes not her boyfriend. She got upset and was yelling at my daughter and was saying she was going to get her own place and make her live with her. She is not my biological daughter but she wants to live with me. Should I not be saying anything to my daughter about this situation? I didnt know she was going to be talking to her mom and that she was going to say what I told her. I was just blowing off some steam and she is very mature for 13. I am really lost with all of this and my wife makes it seem like shes been thinking why we were together for a long time now. Im at home with no car, no money, no job and 3 kids. I have been ok as far as accepting the situation but part of me blames myself for what has happened. Sorry for the rambling, just really lost here. Thanks for listening.. Hi, sorry to hear about your situation. As for mature 13 year olds (and children in general) they are all like little parrots, they repeat what they hear and they do get emotionally involved because their lives are affected too. I have a 14 year old, and I have to remind myself that he is my kid, not my friend and not my confidant. We all say things out of anger (Lord knows, I have had my share of angry moments, but have gotten past them), but it would be best to leave those comments to adult conversations. Blow off steam with a friend on the phone where the kids can't hear. Hang in there. Read up on some posts on LS to find some great advice and similar situations. It really helps to put things in perspective.
tojaz Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Hi, sorry to hear about your situation. As for mature 13 year olds (and children in general) they are all like little parrots, they repeat what they hear and they do get emotionally involved because their lives are affected too. I have a 14 year old, and I have to remind myself that he is my kid, not my friend and not my confidant. We all say things out of anger (Lord knows, I have had my share of angry moments, but have gotten past them), but it would be best to leave those comments to adult conversations. Blow off steam with a friend on the phone where the kids can't hear. Hang in there. Read up on some posts on LS to find some great advice and similar situations. It really helps to put things in perspective. Trippi gives good advice, I'm not a parent, but I am a child of divorce, and I think it's important to remember that regardless of what your wife is doing, to her daughter shes still Mom. Leave the drama for the adults as much as possible. Words of wisdom..... I'm going to say that marriage can survive infidelity if both partners want it to, but right now it dosen't sound like she does. Shes not treating you with much respect and no marriage is going to stand like that. Start putting your life in order for yourself like she isn't coming back. I'm going to suggest taking a look at Mr. MayIs thread "Just hear me out" (do a forum search) he found a lot of strength within himself alone with his daughter, went through divorce and possible infidelity and came out the other side wiser and stronger. Added bonus, now finds himself looking at the reconciliation trail in his other thread, "the finality of divorce" give it a look, and keep posting! TOJAZ
Author daddypop1 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 Thanks for posting, it really helps alot. My wife ended up calling me at 2:30 in the morning, and then called me back at 4 as well. She says that this is not what I think at all. She hasnt given up hope on our relationship and thinks the only way it can work is if we go to counseling individually and then end up in counseling together. She is hurt, angry, sad, confused by our relationship and that she has cheated on me in the past because she has no respect for herself. She doesnt want me to think that way about her and that I have for awhile now and it has pushed her away. She insists that there is nothing going on with this guy it is just a place for her to stay and think, as he is working from 5:30 in the morning until 7 at night. Her girlfriends house where she was staying isnt comfortable because her and her boyfriend fight all the time. I still cant help but think she has feelings for this guy. She says that she loves me so much. We talked for awhile (mostly me), and that she is confused and needs to think. She was really tired and would call me today. I asked her why and told her that she is still gonna be confused today and really there will be no progress. So she said "what your not going to answer the phone?" I stated to her that no matter what I am going to be happy and successful, I have been ok for 3 weeks without her now. I ended the conversation by saying that I am just going to file for legal separation today and just force the situation. I can tell that she is bothered by all of this but I need to have some control in this relationship. She told me to do whatever I need to do. This is really hard and Im not sure what is the right thing to do. Thanks for listening again, you all are great.
tojaz Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Daddypop, it's only been 3 weeks. You want her back, so don't make it easier for her to leave. If she wants to seperate, then make her get her hands dirty. Don't rush a divorce you don't want. TOJAZ
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Bulls*** tojaz, she left and abondoned this man and has had numerous affairs! this man she is living with is probably having sex with her now! You really believe all that she said about just friends??? That's a lie! IT's a damn lie!!!! Open your eyes DP, she's a liar and a cheater! she cant be trusted. Remember you need to do what you need to do. Mayn she left her biological daughter with you to move in with a man you've never met? Hello!!! anyone else see the red flags!!!! forget seperation, you need to file for a divorce and make her pay YOU child support! What's next her getting pregnant and making you pay for that kid??? The marriage is over and you dont need anymore stress. I encourage all men and woman who spouses treat them like crap to divorce them. She's had affairs and made numerous lies, and all she can say is she needs to think about it?!?! WTF?!!! I would have just slammed the phone in her ear and told her she is never allowed to come home again!!! Get her out the house and make sure she stays gone.
tojaz Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Daddypop, it's only been 3 weeks. You want her back, so don't make it easier for her to leave. If she wants to seperate, then make her get her hands dirty. Don't rush a divorce you don't want. TOJAZ Should have added emphasis. If you feel the way Chrome does, your fully justified in filing shes done a lot of damage to the marriage and only you can decide if it is repairable or not. If you want out as well, then by all means do it quickly so you can start healing and move on with your life. If you truly DON"T want it, I think that most people who use divorce papers as a shock tactic to get there walkaway spouses to return, usually end up divorced. TOJAZ
trippi1432 Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Hmmm, I'm on the fence with this one. I tend to agree with both. If you don't want to divorce and think that you can work on the realtionship, despite the infidelity, then filing as a "wake up" call will probably not get you what you want. On the other hand, the way she has done you, would you want her back?
seibert253 Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Read up on the 180 and start yesterday. LC, finances and kids, nothing else Go to legal aid and talk with an attorney It's up to you how long you are willing to wait. But, do you really think she is worth waiting for. If for one second you think the guy she's staying with is just a friend, well then, No, I'm not gonna say it. IMO, she's cheated before, now she wants to abandon her H and 3 kids; don't let the door hit your azz on the way out, and don't come back.
Author daddypop1 Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 I talked to her yesterday and she was acting pretty cold towards me. Its seems she was telling me what I want to hear so that I back off on telling our daughter anything. She said love isnt enough for us, she needs counseling by herself and that she is really confused. I think I know now that she is seriously f.ucked up in the head. I give up, I have nothing left in me for this woman. I put everything I had in me for her for years now. All it has done is made me a different broken man. Im not the same person I used to be. As much as I wish it wouldve turned out different, I realize that it never will be. I wanted to be there for her and not throw her away like her family did when she was young. This **** has happened so often, Im feeling pretty numb right now. I appreciate the advice and support from everyone.
Steadfast Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Chrome comes across heavy (he responded in like fashion to my first post) but he's right. From this point on, it needs to be about you and the kid. Anger isn't a bad thing, just as long as it's focused and used to benefit, not abuse. I mean abuse yourself. Lashing out at her, or about her to your 13 year old will only eat _you_ up. Not her. It'll bounce off her but stick to you, get under your skin and bug you until you get rid of it. Go 180, LET HER GO (really, just do it) and point yourself towards the future, one step at a time. Start with finances, get some council (both legal and personal) and take care of your body. Don't drink. Sleep and eat healthy, you'll need the energy. In time, you'll forgive her (for you my friend, not her. For you) and that's when you'll start to see the light. Cheaters are liars, they seldom change. Eliminate that crap from your life. It won't be easy; start slow and don't get discouraged.
NowhereToHide Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 DO NOT under any circumstances bring your children into your drama. Trust me when I tell you this, it will screw them up forever. Children are incredibly perceptive. They know what is going on. But it is YOUR job to protect them from any hurt or disappointment. Telling your daughter that her mom is over at her "boyfriends" house was incredibly selfish on your part. You are using her as a pawn to get back at your wife. Think about it. It's the lowest form of emotional abuse.
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