bafflednhurt Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 (edited) i already posted my situation on her once but decided to repost it in a better format. I am hoping to get insight from folks who have already been down this path. we're both female - I'm 35, she will be 30 in Dec. Our 4 yr anniversary would have been Nov. 12 Since we can't legally get married, we had a commitment ceremony 2 yrs ago. rings and all. she began having an EA with an old teacher/coach of hers from Jr. high in May of this year. They got in touch via the relationship killer FB. The older woman is 53 and left her partner of 13 yrs (who is 65) for my ex my ex broke up with me in sept. and lied about the EA to my face even when confronted with evidence June 19 she gives me one of those long romantic "between u and me" cards that said "I can't believe out of all the people in this world I found you...blah, blah, blah" we never fought. she is a medical resident and really is not home much. no change in sex life or nothing. july 1 she didn't come home til real late and went to the other woman's place. i was quite peeved when i found out where she was. end of july she went to new orleans and stayed in a hotel with this woman one weekend and told me they were just friends and this woman is like a mother figure to her. she said she really wanted this woman to go with her to a 5k run there and told me she did not want me to go. she said she would rather me be at the finish line of a marathon she was planning on running later on and it was more important that i be there for that one. what BS! in august she and this woman sat in her car in our driveway for 2 hours talking WTF! then in the end of august my ex tells me that she doesn't think she can fall back in love with me and i should look for a new place to live. i have since been staying with a good friend. my ex and her old teacher have been seeing each other and spending the night at each other's places ever since. i got kicked out of our home because it is in her name because it couldn't be in both our names because of the gay things. i basically got screwed. i still love her dearly but she has been so nasty and mean to me. at first i kept asking why and wrote letters and such, but i always wrote her letters and gave her cards throughout our relationship. cooked dinner for her every night. kept her clothes washed for her and did ALL the housework because she works so much. i cannot stop thinking about her. even though she emotionally cheated and has treated me like **** i still want her back. i got all of my things of the house 3 weeks ago and have in NC for 14 days now. i know the romance with this older woman will not last and that is what is keeping me clinging to hope that she will come to her senses and realize what the heck she is doing. when she broke it off with me she started drinking heavily every night which is not like her. she cried about us and she just kept saying she didn't know what she wanted. now she says she never wants to see or speak to me ever again. she thought i tore up a picture of us when i moved out and i thought she tore up the picture before i came to move my stuff out. since neither one of us did it that only leaves the old teacher. anyway, they spend the night at each other's places every night. i just don't understand what happened and what's going on with her. any thoughts? should i try to forget her? will she come back? would i want her back? Edited November 10, 2009 by bafflednhurt formatting
Exit Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Why would you want her back? She walked all over you. Nobody can answer this question for you. You say other people will have "insight" into this situation, but honestly, every situation is so different, it doesn't matter. Some people break up and never speak again over a tiny fight, some people go through mental and physical abuse and still get back together. Sitting here trying to figure it out is a total waste of your Monday night. Please focus on yourself for a while. Let her be with this older woman and let her realize her mistakes on her own. When/if she comes back, then you can make up your mind.
Author bafflednhurt Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 you are absolutely right. i should just move on and never look back, but it is very hard. i have been trying so hard to focus on myself and not think about her, but she is my first heart break. i have never been heartbroken before and i just can't deal. the other relationships (3) i have been in have ended mutually so i have never felt this before. i also am having a hard time getting over the age thing and my ex telling me that she thought of this woman as a mother figure and actually told this woman when she was in junior high that she wished she was her mother. this thing is so messed up and it won't last, but that doesn't mean she would come back to me. i always said that if someone ever cheated on my i wouldn't tolerate it, but now i am in this position and would take her back at this point. i don't want to think like that. i don't want to want her back.
h2ofrek Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 To answer your question, if they do come back it won't be because they love you, it'll be because 1) things didn't play out exactly as they imagined, 2) you are comfortable, 3) you'll take them back 4) [this might sting] you're just a bandage to cover the emptiness in themselves until they can find the next exciting "Mrs. Thang". I am dealing with a lot of the same poo you are and today was a bad day for me. But instead of swimming in the pity pool, I called an old friend and he told me "She is going to make her choices, you make your's and her's are going to hurt you, but do you really think your's are affecting her? Suck it up and move on." I went for a run and did a lot of things; but thinking about her was not one of them. Do great things, Aloha
HeavenOrHell Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I disagree, my ex came back to me because he loved me and we had 10 more years together until I screwed up. To answer your question, if they do come back it won't be because they love you, it'll be because 1) things didn't play out exactly as they imagined, 2) you are comfortable, 3) you'll take them back 4) [this might sting] you're just a bandage to cover the emptiness in themselves until they can find the next exciting "Mrs. Thang". I am dealing with a lot of the same poo you are and today was a bad day for me. But instead of swimming in the pity pool, I called an old friend and he told me "She is going to make her choices, you make your's and her's are going to hurt you, but do you really think your's are affecting her? Suck it up and move on." I went for a run and did a lot of things; but thinking about her was not one of them. Do great things, Aloha
AnthonyMalibu Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 h2ofrek is right - if they do come back, it's usually because the other relationship didn't work out. Turns out the grass really wasn't greener on the other side of the fence, so now they're looking to reverse their mistake. Do you want to be 2nd best? Probably not. In this situation, you would be. Even if she came back, you'd be happy for a month at most. Then the feelings of betrayal and resentment over her relationship (with her jr. high school gym teacher? Creepy...) would settle in. In time, you'd shake her down for information. You'd want to know dates and times... when's and where's. You'd pick fights with her over exactly how long she's had feelings for this other girl, and how could she have left you for this person, and whether or not she cheated on you during your previous relationship. It sounds in this case like it would be extremely difficult for you to wipe the slate clean, and this would poison your new relationship and virtually destroy any possible chance of making it work. Your best bet is to go on with your life as if you have the most awesome, fantastic future ahead of you. When you meet someone else you're going to forget all about this person - emotionally anyway. Ironically, this is exactly what will attract her attention back to you, if it ever happens.
Author bafflednhurt Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 i know you guys are right, but i keep trying to tell myself that if we could just get back together that we could just forget the past and start new. i know it's not that easy and it just doesn't work that way. that's one reason why i am here. so i can get emotional support and advice on doing what's right for me. it is very hard for me to not want to break NC. if it weren't for reading other peoples stories and advice i have seen given to others i probably would have already broken NC. thanks
PinkToes Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 The thing is, if you stay strong, maintain strict NC, and focus on yourself, you're going to be moving in the right direction, no matter what happens later on. Try to be honest with yourself about what you didn't like about the relationship, and the ways in which she let you down. Keep processing that, until you begin to see your energy shift from "I want her back" and "what if I never see her again?" to "I miss her a lot, but I'll be OK no matter what happens." And if she does happen to come back at some point in time, and you think you might consider giving it another go, at least you will know that you're doing it from a position of strength and clarity, rather than just missing what you had together. Just keep taking it one day at a time, and you'll get there.
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