lilbelle Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Today has been fing miserable. Went to bed early, woke up early. Why is my first thought always him? Anyway, got up and my PTSD was back with a vengeance. Really hard time coping so I called my therapist and couldn't even get dressed to go see her. If anyone on her knew me you would know I always have to be dressed and hair and makeup done so this is a totally different me. Lexapro isn't helping at all. Exercise isn't helping. Nothing is helping today. Therapist says I have PTSD again and that I must quit being so independent and start asking for help from those around me or continue to let my anxieties build. Went over the whole relationship with her and how I'm feeling and she said it's obvious I am hurt and beyond heartbroke. To complicate matters I am still healing from the nasty marriage I had. She didn't know what to think about the absolutely no contact policy and suggested I write him a letter but to hold onto it for a while and when I'm ready mail it to him. I considered this today but I really don't want to. Nothing will come out of it except more wondering and hurting. I just wonder if he even cares if he has any feelings what so ever. I think that thought is killing me more than anything. I can't get myself together. I don't want to do anything, just lay here and I'm fing miserable. Suicidal thoughts have been coming up all day. I don't think I could ever do that as I buried a brother who killed himself and it was one of the hardest things our family has ever dealt with and holidays and his birthday are never the same. I think back to those days and the feelings and try to get my head out of the ground and yet I'm still in the woulda coulda sholda stage. The love I had for this man is like none I have ever experienced. The feelings and trust and security I felt with him was all I could have ever prayed for. There is no one else I want to be with, think of, love. I keep thinking I will eventually look back and none of this will seem so real. For now I'm stuck in this shell and etched out my cave and I'm just dying of a broken heart which is a slow agonizing death. Not even my therapist could pull me out of this slump today which is pretty amazing since she has been with me for over 6 years and knows everything about me. I feel lost, broken, just want to lay down and die. The urge to break nc has been so great. It's like I need him to just say something, to know that he cares. I just need to know that he cares. Is this fd up or what? I thought I could get through this. I have been through so much and yet I can't let go. I can't just walk away with dignity. How the hell am I ever going to get past this? Do I write a letter? What do I do? I'm simply lost in all of this and feel so sick about it all. God help me I have prayed and prayed and nothing is easing, it only gets worse. I'm to the point of consulting a witch... literally. I know that sounds messed up but I will do anything to ease the heartache. I just can't seem to focus on myself and I'm wondering why???? How can someone hold onto you like this? How can I let him hold onto me like this? Why do I think I will never have that love again? Why am I so scared that I will never feel this love again. I was certain he was my soulmate. Positive of it. I prayed for him and there he was and then I ruined it. I fing ruined it. I want him back so bad I would travel to the ends of the world for him, I would kill for that man. Alas, I don't have him, I can't have him and I want to die without him. It's the most dysfunctional feeling in the world. I tried to make a list of the things I didn't like about him and literally there were 2 things. TWO! that's it. I loved everything about him. Maybe that makes it even more difficult. I give up. I just don't know how I'm going to go on. I'm trying really hard and I can't seem to do it. I'm tired of trying. I want to go far away and never come back. I want to just bury this.
Exit Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 How long has it been since the split? There are very real withdrawal symptoms associated with heartbreak just like any other addiction. Love releases chemicals that make you feel good and when you aren't getting those anymore, your body knows. Hang in there and try to give it some more time, eventually you will think of more than 2 things that you don't like about him. If there's someone on this planet with only 2 faults, I'd like to meet them! To "love" someone so much that you would rather not live without them means that you don't have a whole lot of love for yourself. Visualize a bubble with this entity known as "you" inside of it. Nothing else should be allowed inside. The rest of the world, jobs, boyfriends, friends, family, none of that should ever become more important than YOU. When it comes down to it, all you have it yourself. People come and go. Material things come and go. At the end of the day, you look at yourself in the mirror and crawl into bed, and you need to find a way to be content with that. It will just take time, there is no shortcut. I wanted to die at some point too. If you hang on you will feel better, I would not tell you that if I didn't mean it. It's been 7 months for me. If I didn't feel the slightest bit better, I would tell you to go ahead and give up.
grfins Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I know exactely how you feel. Its incredible heartache and constant anguish. Its been two months since my wife left our 21 year marriage. It feels as if it is getting worse instead of better. I dont have any answers either except the fact that you are not alone right now as to what you are going through. Everyone says it will take time and it is a min by min and hour by hour struggle for me. Keep trying as i am and pray for better days.
Eisenhower Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Yeah, you're not alone. I know it feels like you're alone in your grief, but you aren't, I promise. Hang in there, Eisenhower
soheartbroken Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Hi there Libelle. I'm glad you posted. I think all you can do at this point is survive. People say that every day it gets a bit better, but that's not exactly true. For me, for the first three months, it got worse. I think the deeper our connection to the ex, the deeper the love, the longer it takes before you hit rock bottom. This is because your body can't handle everything at once, and so it dishes it out in doses. Every day, the container of emotions opens and lets a little more out. That's why it feels like it's getting worse. I think you're doing all that you can. During times like these, you just gotta go minute by minute. It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be over him by now, which is unrealistic. I remember that one of my milestones was realizing that it was going to take A LOT of time to heal. I stopped berating myself for not being over her yet, and just accepted that it was a HUGE loss and that it would take time. Please do remember this: your body cannot stay in the state that it is in right now. Like exit said, you're in withdrawal. On top of that, your body is in a fight or flight state - your nervous system is in overdrive, and that's where the anxiety is coming from. You feel like you can't live without him because humans are programmed this way - as babies we are programmed to cry out when we are abandoned, to do anything to get back our caretaker. But you are an adult now, and you can take care of yourself. I don't like to tell people what to do, but NC is good for easing the anxiety levels, big-time. PM me if needed.
AliveAndKicking Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 *hug* Things are tough for you right now. You are brave and you are tough so just take it one day, one hour, one moment at a time hon. I want you to know that you are ot alone, lots of folks care about you, and will help you through these trying times. I'll say a special prayer just for you tonight. Hang in there dear.
LostInLA Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 There has been some good responses so far and some very good points made. I think for a while it will seem to get worse but it WILL get better. At the beginning of my break up, I wanted to die as well. It was HARD. What I did for the first couple of months was "Fake it til I make it," meaning, I pretended to be happy. I forced myself to live my days as if the break up didn't happen. My friends at work had no idea about my break up for a few weeks. Then, I did small things that made me happy moment to moment. I treated myself well. I got mani/pedis, which I never did before really. I got a massage. I slept in when I could. I made plans with friends to get coffee, I sat in the sunshine, I shopped (but didn't really buy anything, just tried on clothes). I totally agree that you should not berate yourself for feeling upset. Give yourself the LUXURY of time to get through this. If you haven't written the letter yet, write it. OR...just WRITE when you are upset. The act of writing is a release! And let yourself cry. I used to evaluate my emotions every morning and if I was upset I would cry and let it all out. Eventually you will be done crying. Then you can get on with your day. Also, if you have a favorite stuffed animal, hug it while you are crying. Seriously. (I need to get one for myself!) I used to be upset that I felt my ex didn't care. But you know what, we can never know what someone else thinks or feels. Maybe your ex feels guilty and can't deal with interacting with you (I've been on that side of the fence). Who knows? All that matters now is YOU. You need to care for yourself! You deserve love and the first person you deserve love from is YOURSELF! You can do it!
HeavenOrHell Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I've had very similar feelings for the past 4 months, I know in my heart there will never be anyone I click with so well or love so deeply again, I want to scream when people say you'll meet someone else It's like telling a parent whose child has died that they can have another baby! I know my ex cares, he has made that clear, but only as a friend now, and it doesn't help at all, it just keeps the hope there and prevents me letting go. (((((hugs))))))
GrayClouds Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Get the onions out...wow. so earlier I thought I might just die. I cried it out. Just let the tears flow. TIP: start cutting some onions to get them started and let it all out from there. Anyway, did that and now it's like all that anxiety is gone. All of a sudden I'm feeling strangly calm and I'm praying this feeling lasts throughout the week. I let myself think of him and bring in the memories all day and it hurt. It killed really. Anyway girls, get those onions out and unleash. Then go for a long run. Your going to be ok.
ann09 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 You need to allow yourself time to grieve. Losing a love is a lot like a death. You will miss it. It most likely consumed your life. Cry, kick and scream. Allow yourself that. But remember, this is your life and only YOU have control of what happens in it. I wish you the best.
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