very few stories/affairs end well

[MizFit]

very few relationships end well either.

 

I'm glad for every minute too, I learned a lot. When it's good, it's great.

 

This older friend of mine had a long term A he told me about. He's still M, and she's still in his life. She lives in another state, and they're in their 70's & still talk once a week. I met his wife, and she's a total downer, but he stayed with her. The A went on through most of his M. He told me the OW is still his best friend. Very sweet.

We employed our friend's OW & like her more than his wife. They work together, and are fine.

I think on LS it's only that bad stories that come out. This would include me, because I only come here when I'm in pain. I'm OK now.

Everything's how you look at it really.

 

I have to agree with you on this...very few relationships go all that well either.

 

This is something I've thought a lot about recently. When my husband left for another woman I thought my life was over. I was 28 with a 3 year old...I remember feeling so devastated I couldn't imagine getting through a night, let alone another 19 years. When I look to the times between then and now there are probably 3 men that I felt such devastation and hurt with...my MM will be the 4th when it's time for ours to end.

 

When you look at the men I've dated between then and now I'm sure there are a fair few men who may have me on a similar list.

 

I was as in love with my husband as I am my MM...and yes, it is love and not infatuation.

[OWoman]

Sure some Marriages end and the the OW and MM end up together, but usually enough damage has been done to ruin it in the end anyway. Not being a downer, but being a realist. Something borne from lies, has the potential to bear more lies and pain....right?

 

Any R has that potential. It all depends on the commitment and focus of the people involved in it. IME, many MMs learn from the discomfort of the "double life" and approach the new R intent on avoiding past mistakes. And, looking at the maturity of some of those Rs years on, they're definitely getting something right...

 

You cant trust him, and maybe, just maybe this wonderful married man also cant trust you and lost some respect for you, the other woman, you or me, whomever. I mean if you were willing to be in a relationship with him, willing to settle for this, maybe eventually they start loosing respect for you, for doing what you do. You are living the lie right along with him....so a MM will pick or end up with a woman that wont tell, that will meet his needs, and be the fntasy, but in the end, when you start having needs and speaking them, and they see you are not the exact same way you were in the affair, they bolt.

 

This depends on what you're prepared to put up with - as the OW, and beyond. If you're willing to settle for an immature jerkoff who struggles to take responsibility and to face the world as an adult, and to be treated badly in the process, then yes, that may well be what you end up with. But if you have more self-respect, expect to be treated properly and make it clear that you won't put up with idiocy, why should you?

 

All three people have been scared for life probably, sorry but this is how I see it. SO lets just assume as the OW he choses you in the end? And you were a secret for 1 year or 5 years...how does he then expalin all the time, and bring you into the family, and how do you keep your own dignity with his kids staring you in the face wondering how you could do that to his mom, or how dad could do this with you, the OW? If we choose to live this life, the consequences are so deep, its unbelievable.

 

I've been on both sides of this. And neither time was there any "kids staring the OW in the face, wondering how she could do it to mom" stuff. With my Dad's OW I was curious, when I met her, to see that she wasn't at all what I'd expected - but thrilled that he'd found someone he was happy with, and once I got to know her I liked her immensely. With my H's kids, I was worried about the converse - that he'd built me up so to them that they'd be disappointed that I couldn't walk on water - but they were cool and relaxed and we get on really well. No judgment either way.

 

WHO wants to admit they fell in love with the OW while being married....? and then explain the love story and moments you shared, which were moments he was lying to others...

 

Perhaps it's different in my case, since my H was pretty open about me to everyone except the xW, so there are no awkward pauses or gaps to fill in. When we meet new people, it might take them a while to fill in the missing pieces if they don't know, don't ask or need a timeline, but I've yet to come across anyone for whom it's been an issue at all.

[OWoman]

I think that if you ask all the parties that are involved in an A(whether by choice or not) the consensus would be....it wasn't a good thing.

 

In my sitch, there'd be near consensus (with one possible dissenter) that it WAS a good thing.

[wendy37]

im on the receiving end of an affair and im totally left broken down and unable to cope.hes done it before and he came back after tears and sorrys then does it all again yet this time im finding it harder..i think these people that have affairs have no respect for the person who is left broken and left to pick the peices up.my ex clearly cant do without having emotional affairs.it all started on stupid facebook and let to internet dating sites..this man has completely got me that low that im not coping one bit.i have today pulled the plug on my relationship for my own sanity.yet this is going to be the hardest thing ever.he has bare face lied to me and i bet the other women has no idea i even exsist..trying to work out why he even texts me as recent as yesterday telling me he loves me! i then found myself begging this isiot to plz come and see me to resolve this issue (this is how low he has me) yet he then shuns away from me when i ask him?? so why say these things to me when he wont sort things out..my emotions are shot and im up and down with the lies...how the hell does anyone cope when a man has got u to this stage?

[MaureyL]

Affairs are about extreme highs/intense joy and unbelieveable lows. As for myself, I was so keen to be with this person that I made EVERYTHING absolutely okay. I listened to him talk about how much he loved his girlfriend (this was while he was in bed with me) and I put zero pressure on him. Because, I knew as we all do, if we start making demands or become more troublesome than we're worth, we won't have the relationship any longer. I just hoped that he would fall in love with me so deeply and completely that he would have to leave his plans and his girlfriend behind... now I can see plainly how foolish that was. We both cried our eyes out on the last day we were together but in the end, that was that.

 

After he left but still stayed in touch I began to make statements about what I would like and what I wanted to happen with us. All these requests were completely ignored/stonewalled. But the texts and emails kept coming, so consistently that you could set your watch by them... all about his school, his training, his parties he was going to... blah blah blah until I started getting fired up about the ridiculousness of the situation. And then, predictably, they stopped and ebbed away. I was in the middle of writing a play based on the relationship that I was taking to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival last year. He texted me asking how rehearsing the play was going and I sent him a copy of the script. He called to talk about it and I basically asked him why he was bothering. It drew a line under the situation. And I got the information that I was waiting for, which was whether or not he was going to return from the Southern Hemisphere and the answer was...no. Good!

 

Sorry to waffle on and on. What do you want? What do you need? My advice is to ask for these two things and then watch your AP run for the hills. That's what mine did, at least. If you are happy with what they can provide, then so be it. If not, then it is best to get out of the situation and suffer the temporary pain for something much more fulfilling in the end.

 

xx

[GreenEyedLady]

No matter how deep the love and time commitment these MM put toward the OW, things seem to never end well...I mean why should they really?

 

WHoever wants to glamorize an affair can go right ahead, but basically they are a twisted mess of crap. Most men will not choose you in the end no matter what, or there would not be hundreds of thousands of people posting here. Sure some Marriages end and the the OW and MM end up together, but usually enough damage has been done to ruin it in the end anyway. Not being a downer, but being a realist. Something borne from lies, has the potential to bear more lies and pain....right?

 

You cant trust him, and maybe, just maybe this wonderful married man also cant trust you and lost some respect for you, the other woman, you or me, whomever. I mean if you were willing to be in a relationship with him, willing to settle for this, maybe eventually they start loosing respect for you, for doing what you do. You are living the lie right along with him....so a MM will pick or end up with a woman that wont tell, that will meet his needs, and be the fntasy, but in the end, when you start having needs and speaking them, and they see you are not the exact same way you were in the affair, they bolt. Affairs are selfish and lead to a whole boat load of crap, how on earth can we think the majority or some will end will, when most do not.

 

All three people have been scared for life probably, sorry but this is how I see it. SO lets just assume as the OW he choses you in the end? And you were a secret for 1 year or 5 years...how does he then expalin all the time, and bring you into the family, and how do you keep your own dignity with his kids staring you in the face wondering how you could do that to his mom, or how dad could do this with you, the OW? If we choose to live this life, the consequences are so deep, its unbelievable.

 

WHO wants to admit they fell in love with the OW while being married....? and then explain the love story and moments you shared, which were moments he was lying to others...

its all a bunch of crap, lol

Sorry i am a bit angry today and need to get off these groups for a day, lol

the stories are unreal, and so painful, and its just sad.

 

this place can make you crazy, lol..LOVE SHACK BABY!...thats where it at...I got me a Chrysler, that sits about 20, so hurry on up and bring your jukebox money, LS, baby LS...okay I digress. We all need a song now and then

 

Dating a MM is truly troublesome, is it not?

 

LFMM

 

You know, my middle name is trouble.

 

And I married my MM. I wasn't a secret. He didn't bolt when I put my foot down, either. He never hesitated telling people he loved me or how we met. It wasn't dirty or sordid and is actually a cute story.

 

I trust him and he trusts me.

 

I know you're trying to tell yourself things to make you feel better. But sometimes it does work out. And everyone is pretty happy in the end.

 

All R's are not meant to work out. That's why M's break up and single people break up.

 

Take your anger and put it into something positive. Take what you need to learn from the experience and move on.

 

GEL

[Confused4Now]

You know, my middle name is trouble.

 

And I married my MM. I wasn't a secret. He didn't bolt when I put my foot down, either. He never hesitated telling people he loved me or how we met. It wasn't dirty or sordid and is actually a cute story.

 

I trust him and he trusts me.

 

I know you're trying to tell yourself things to make you feel better. But sometimes it does work out. And everyone is pretty happy in the end.

 

All R's are not meant to work out. That's why M's break up and single people break up.

 

Take your anger and put it into something positive. Take what you need to learn from the experience and move on.

 

GEL

Well I have....I'm a bit butt hurt but I knew when I came back I knew I needed actions in order for me to come back and I didn't enforce my boundaries....Like GEL says....it's about what they do!!!! I'm trying to focus back on me and my kids....be positive so you don't have all that anger!!! I do believe we have to grieve but MOVE FORWARD!!!

[jwi71]

 

And I married my MM. I wasn't a secret. He didn't bolt when I put my foot down, either. He never hesitated telling people he loved me or how we met. It wasn't dirty or sordid and is actually a cute story.

 

GEL

 

Didn't your now H lie to you about his marital status when you two first met? Or have I confused you with another?

 

Sorry, hard to keep everyone's story straight at times...if I'm wrong, I'd like to hear how you two met (I could use the pick me up today).

 

JW

[learnfrommymistakes]

Okay okay

I was expressing anger or frustration in these posts to get out some of my thoughts at the time. It is a great outlet, and its healthy to experience all the emotions, it is whats gets people through or moving forward. What doesnt move you forward is pretending you are not angry when you are, pretending you have no guilt when you do, etc etc.

 

I actually am in a good place based on expressing myself here and DIRECTLY to my ex mm the other day, so this is moving in the right direction...for me. I have angry moments (when I posted this originally) and I have great moments when I feel strong and happy and proud that I dont want to be involved in an unhealthy relationship anymore.

 

So I got people talking and thinking and I am truly glad some people find their happiness with another person. I just wish we all could wait until that person is free, to avoid hurting everyone. So no, I am not riding the "bitter bus" today, I just had to express some thoughts and also let people know it is not a picnic and that sometimes, yes sometimes, MM will lie to you, often to keep you there, while he is lying to his wife...and it becomes a cirlce of lies and hurts, thats all.

 

So, I am going to ease up on posting, and just sit with my thoughts...I am a positive person, but i dont need to be positive about an affair or past affair....its nothing to be proud of..what i can be proud of and positive abt is that the exmm brought out something in me I did not even know I have, that I felt electricity and just fell in love, for the first time ever. But what I really thank him for is that if it were not for the affair, i never would have done some deep deep self work, analysis and transform parts of my life to have a lot more self respect, dignity and strength. Because I was weak for him and with him, and did not like my behavior and actions being with a MM, I did some soul searching abt how I wanted to live my life, and I did not want to be in a triangle and be with a man who was lying to his wife to be with me, it never felt ok...never. Never will. I pray for her, and him...whether they are together or apart, i always hope for the best for people, including her...no matter what

 

happy happy joy joy....

lfmm

[Heather1]

Thata girl! Turn it into a positive of what you want out of life & what you believe in. I'm so grateful for the AP to have been in my life, and that's a fact. I needed that, kind of a fork in the road we all have. With an A, it's what your expectations are of the relationship that's painful. When one person expects more (and it's almost always the woman, because we're biologically wired that way), it's a lot harder to get to the next level in this type of R.

[learnfrommymistakes]

Heather

You know it girl, turn it into a positive...for sure!!!! I was just having an angry moment or two when I originally posted. It is actually my bad behavior (or unnaceptable behavior of myself) which led me to stop being self abusive...if that makes sense, lol. Now I am still weak for my now divorced married man, but I am a different, stronger person, and see it for what it is and was.

 

Actually 2 things combined helped me see I deserved better. The affair itself, let me know what I DO and DONT want to feel like when with another person. I crave or would love to find that insane passion and chemistry, but I also dont want to be anyones secret or 2nd choice. I dated a wonderful, prince of guy on and off for two years, and he helped me grow and see things in a new light, and I treasured having a loving, great man whom I loved and treated well. We broke up, I was not in love although I loved him deeply and still do, but he set the bar high.

 

So through the affair and then a healthy relationship I know what I want for myself, and my dignity. SO I am grateful really for all of it....in some ways, tho I do regret being with another womans husband, I will never excuse that, even tho he was separated when we met, he went back, and i still had a LDR with him once a year.

 

SO here is to better, not bitter

So here is to healthy not harsh

So here is to life, not lies

So here is happiness!!!!!!!!!

I will drink to that, lol

lfmm

[fooled once]

THIS is by far some of the best advice I have ever seen on here

 

Posted by OW......

 

If you're willing to settle for an immature jerkoff who struggles to take responsibility and to face the world as an adult, and to be treated badly in the process, then yes, that may well be what you end up with. But if you have more self-respect, expect to be treated properly and make it clear that you won't put up with idiocy, why should you?

 

This applies to ANY relationship ANY person has....

 

Whether it be love, friendship or work.

 

IF you allow someone to treat you poorly, then that is what you get.

 

IF you demand respect, than that is what you will get.

 

It really is THAT easy.

 

If you settle for being the OW/OM, then that is what you will be.

 

If you decide you want better for yourself, then you won't be the OW/OM.

[Lizzie60]

 

If you settle for being the OW/OM, then that is what you will be.

 

If you decide you want better for yourself, then you won't be the OW/OM.

 

I don't get it.. what about the women out there who prefer to be the OW.. who don't want full-time commitment..

[fooled once]

Those are different Lizzie.

 

MOST people who post here aren't those like you who prefer affairs.

 

MOST of the women posting here are trying to NOT be the OW.

 

By "better for yourself" I mean you don't want to be 2nd, you don't want to be hidden, you don't want to be the one left alone when he goes home to his wife. You PREFER to NOT be in a monogamous relationship. But I would be willing to bet most women who are in affairs would prefer to have the man to themselves and not be sharing him with his wife/girlfriend.

[GreenEyedLady]

Didn't your now H lie to you about his marital status when you two first met? Or have I confused you with another?

 

Sorry, hard to keep everyone's story straight at times...if I'm wrong, I'd like to hear how you two met (I could use the pick me up today).

 

JW

 

No you have it right. He said he was divorced. I too was divorced so it was like perfect, right?

 

I however do not believe that our actions define us forever. I trust my husband because he has proven he is trustworthy. And I choose to trust him. He gives me no reason to think otherwise. He made bad choices in the past. We can not change the past but we can make better choices in the present and the future.

 

And I guess the bottom line is that I forgive him for lying.

 

But here's our story:

 

I am a teacher who teaches children with mild to moderate disabilities. We were doing a Fire Safety Unit and I called the local fire station to see if they could come and do a presentation for my class.

 

Four firemen responded. They talked to my students and showed them around the truck and talked about how important fire safety was and gave them tips. They got a call and left with lights and sirens going. Awesome for my students.

 

We started working on thank you cards for the station and later that week I went to check my box and found a bunch of fire badge stickers and a letter from one of the firemen. At first I wasn't sure if he was being nice or if he was interested, but I gathered up the cards and took a tin of chocolate chip cookies to the station as a thank you. He was there and the rest shall we say is history.

 

So TMI, I know, but who cares now? We've been married a year so I guess it doesn't matter.

 

I look at it positively. I met my husband with good intentions. It ended up working out for us.

 

His XW seems perfectly content with her life and can now find someone who won't cheat on her.

 

As for my H, he's working on his issues and I'm there to support him. He wanted to change and make things work.

 

A happily ever after of another kind...

 

GEL

[learnfrommymistakes]

GEL

I am glad things worked out for you and you are happy. I know that some people end up in a nice situation. I have colleagues who were both in bad marriages, they were good friends at work, just friends and over time in grew into attraction. They both ended up divorced at the same time, and are happily married, I was at their wedding actually. They are in love..and happy. I think in this case it is better for everyone...there were 4 unhappy people before, now there are two happy people and two ex spouses free on bad marriages, so I realize it aint all bad....i was venting :-)

lfmm

[boldjack]

As I said before, nobody can name an affair that has ended happily for everybody concerned. There is always a patsy. Someone , who takes the fall. Many times it is the OM/OW, sometimes it is the BS, rarely is it the WS. Before everybody starts, I KNOW that there are exceptions, and I KNOW that the fallout lessens with time, But that , in no way , means that affairs are generally considered to be a positive way of life. Some people , if you give them a lemon, will make lemonade, others are allergic to lemons.