faithfulone Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 My story is kind of long so I will try and give the abbreviated version and probably come back later to fill in the gaps: I have had this feeling in my gut for about 4 months now that something has gone terribly awry in my marriage. I have never been of the "fairy tale ending" state of mind, so I know that every day is not gong to be sunny and shiny.... My husband has a cellphone that is email enabled...the other night while he was passed out from a night of drinking, I looked at his email and came across one from a woman. The first one said that she hadn't heard from him and want to know why. According to her work email address (yes, I have that now), she lives about 600 miles from us. The only way that I can say that he comes in contact with her is when he goes away with his friends for Bike Week in Myrtle Beach, SC. His response was that he had been working really hard. Nothing too crazy. So I look at another email (the same day) and she sent him a group picture that included her (I know she was in the picture because a follow-up email asks him why he didn't say anything about her picture). In one of his responses, he must've asked her who the guy was in the picture (there's only one w/about 8 women) because she says to him that the guy was one of her friend's boyfriend. Why did she feel the need to explain and why does he need to know? In another response he says to her, "you're looking really sexy babe". He calls me babe. I know that it sounds really inmature but all of our friends have jokingly talked about how its so "sweet" the way he calls ME babe. I have been walking around pissed off because I want to say something to him but I am ashamed that I looked at his email. I have always prided myself in the fact that I have NEVER been a snoop. I trusted that he would be faithful to me. I'm not sure if that is the case anymore. I don't have any "solid" proof of infidelity but **** is not adding up. Am I jumping to conclusions? How do I bring it and not have him think that I have been snooping all along? Any ideas?
2sure Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I have been walking around pissed off because I want to say something to him but I am ashamed that I looked at his email. I have always prided myself in the fact that I have NEVER been a snoop. I trusted that he would be faithful to me. He has betrayed you. You dont know to what extent, but he has betrayed you none the less. Your gut instincts have proved correct. The reason you have had this feeling is because your marriage is being undermined ...he has betrayed you. You trusted him, He broke that trust. Now...are you going to let your marriage continue to be undermined by his betrayal and at the same time begin to undermine it yourself by constantly being suspicious, paranoid, and insecure...(because you should be) OR are you going to tell him: Look, I have sensed something is wrong. I have sensed you have not been honest and open with me. I have become insecure and I looked at your secret emails. Put it out there. What the hell have you to lose?? Your afraid of ...what? Yes, he is going to be pissed off. Yes, he is going to deny and make you the crazy one and himself your victim. But thats not the way it is. One of you is going to have to deal with reality and its you. The only other option is to pretend your wrong. You really think you want to do that?
Lizzie60 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Well that would be 'solid proof' enough... He obviously knows her very well.. (calling her 'babe')... I just don,t get it.. why people are 'ashamed' of snooping.. when you have doubts.. then it's OK to snoop, hire a PI... do whatever you need to do to know.. simple as that.. What if you never snoop..and he keeps cheating with 2-3-4 women.. how would YOU know.. IT IS OK TO SNOOP IF YOU DOUBT SOMETHING IS WRONG!!!! trust me.. he would DO the exact same thing.. and I doubt he would need any 'more solid' proofs..
Author faithfulone Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 Thank you so much for responding to me. I didn't think anyone would. 2sure you are absolutely right. I need to confront him. Honestly, I'm scared. I do not work and am not financially able to leave him at this point. As soon as I found this stuff out, I immediately started secretly planning my departure. An affair, be it emotional, physical or both is a definite deal breaker for me. For some reason, I thought I had made that clear to him EARLY on. Guess he didn't believe me. I want to call the sender of the email (my issue is not with her, but she would probably be the one that would give me the truth, because in essence SHE has nothing to lose). What do you think? Should I call her? I just want to know if she sees him when he is in SC every year. Do they have a standing date? I am so confused, angry, hurt, you name it.
tami-chan Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Uggghhh....Sorry you are going through this....I agree with 2sure, your husband has betrayed you...and you need to let him know. No two ways about it -if you are interested in giving your husband a chance to explain or redeem himself. I would first get as much info about this woman, send her an email that you do not appreciate her emails...and tell her you know where to contact her and her job(even if you don't)....THEN tell your husband. Do not give him time to have a plan of action developed with that woman.
Author faithfulone Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 Lizzie60-why do you think that is the case? Why is it that if a man had the same exact information that I do, nothing more nothing less....he would resign immediately to the fact that I was having an affair? And yet, hear I am trying to find more....just to be sure.
Lizzie60 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Thank you so much for responding to me. I didn't think anyone would. 2sure you are absolutely right. I need to confront him. Honestly, I'm scared. I do not work and am not financially able to leave him at this point. As soon as I found this stuff out, I immediately started secretly planning my departure. An affair, be it emotional, physical or both is a definite deal breaker for me. For some reason, I thought I had made that clear to him EARLY on. Guess he didn't believe me. I want to call the sender of the email (my issue is not with her, but she would probably be the one that would give me the truth, because in essence SHE has nothing to lose). What do you think? Should I call her? I just want to know if she sees him when he is in SC every year. Do they have a standing date? I am so confused, angry, hurt, you name it. Don't call her.. leave her out of this.. she probably wouldn't give you the time of the day anyway.. why would she? She owes you nothing... and if you call her.. she will contact your H and let him know what's going on.. then he might plan something with her... not a good idea. Since you're not financially secure.. you can't leave right now.. do you have children? If I were you (that,s what I did with my first ex, but I was working).. I would put money aside (as much as you can)... enough for you to get on your feet (a few months).. get a job, an apart. some used furniture... some food... Do you have friends or family that can take you with them?
2sure Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 faithfulone... Its up to you whether this betrayal is a deal breaker for you. Whether it is or it isnt...certainly your marriage is about to face a crisis. Any crisis ultimately ends with a turning point, one way or the other. Divorce or a changed marriage. Regardless of the extent pf his betrayal , the most important issue is that he has not been honest and open with you. You have not been secure and happy. What he has been, who knows? This crisis will create a turning point and it should. As to contacting this other woman...I would first try to find out a bit more, such as her full name and phone numbers...then check his cell records for contact. When contacting anyone or asking any questions regarding infidelity and betrayal.... I have found it is best to KNOW the answers before you ask the questions. Or at least some of them.
Lizzie60 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Lizzie60-why do you think that is the case? Why is it that if a man had the same exact information that I do, nothing more nothing less....he would resign immediately to the fact that I was having an affair? And yet, hear I am trying to find more....just to be sure. Because.. he IS having an affair.. I wouldn't need any more 'proofs'.. what you read is proof enough...
FreezorBurn Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 He has betrayed you. You dont know to what extent, but he has betrayed you none the less. Your gut instincts have proved correct. The reason you have had this feeling is because your marriage is being undermined ...he has betrayed you. Listen to 2sure. I never snooped, on my wife and thats how she was able to easily carry on a EA for over a year! THE END JUSTIFIES THE MEANS! Now go an confront him. Remember there is no Middle ground it must end completely.
tami-chan Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 get more info (not so you can "prove" to yourself if he is cheating or not....he is-but you know, more knowledge, more aces up your sleeve)....check the cellphone again for more emails..before you confront your H...
FreezorBurn Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 get more info (not so you can "prove" to yourself if he is cheating or not....he is-but you know, more knowledge, more aces up your sleeve)....check the cellphone again for more emails..before you confront your H... Tami is right, But be smart don't wait so long that there routinely screwing before you confront him. I could not wait. as soon as I had a little evidence I confronted right away (11:30pm at night woke her up holding a print out in my hand.)
65tr6 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I want to call the sender of the email (my issue is not with her, DONT call her ! SNOOP a lot more until you get more evidence. You call her, she will tell you nothing. Infact she WILL alert your husband. Is your husband checking his email from home ? And dont worry about snooping. You are doing this to protect yourself. I had to do the same to my wife. I hated it.
EarthGirl Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 That's funny. "Babe" is what my grandparents used to call eachother through over 60 years of marriage and probably before. I always thought it was so much cuter and nicer than "honey" and such. A few years ago I asked my guy to call me that cause of them and he has since.
tami-chan Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Tami is right, But be smart don't wait so long that there routinely screwing before you confront him. I could not wait. as soon as I had a little evidence I confronted right away (11:30pm at night woke her up holding a print out in my hand.) Right. We are not talking MONTHS here...ok, OP? maybe a couple of days....pay $14.95 online to trace who the owner is of that email..BTW, open an FB account, dont use your name and create a separate email account for this....post some sexy pictures of some woman (not you, of course)....add some random people on your account then ask your H to add you as a friend! ...yes, I know so deceptive...but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do...better yet, hire a PI.
1Angel Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Honestly, I'm scared. I do not work and am not financially able to leave him at this point. As soon as I found this stuff out, I immediately started secretly planning my departure. An affair, be it emotional, physical or both is a definite deal breaker for me. For some reason, I thought I had made that clear to him EARLY on. Guess he didn't believe me. It's ok to be scared. You should know to empower yourself! that even if you don't work outside home, there are laws to protect you financially. He will have to pay you child support if there are children and also alimony. He would also be made to pay temporary alimony while you sort things out. Check your state's divorce laws for specifics or go to divorce lawyer that offers free consultation and ask him or her just that. He may even have to pay legal fees if you decide on divorce later on.
Author faithfulone Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 DONT call her ! SNOOP a lot more until you get more evidence. You call her, she will tell you nothing. Infact she WILL alert your husband. Is your husband checking his email from home ? And dont worry about snooping. You are doing this to protect yourself. I had to do the same to my wife. I hated it. Yes, he checks his email at home but because he gets it on his phone he doesn't have to really get on the PC. I actually just finished checking the phone records for the last 3 moths and there have been no calls made to SC or from SC. From a man's perspective, FreezerBurn, if my husband thought that I was doing the same thing, do you think he would have already said something? I have come here for advice and I am getting a lot of helpful stuff, but I think the thing that holds be back most is just initially bringing up the subject. I do have children, so just packing up and leaving is not something that I can do. I have no relatives to speak of so that's out as well. I think if I can find the inner strength, I'd be alright.
tami-chan Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Yes, he checks his email at home but because he gets it on his phone he doesn't have to really get on the PC. I actually just finished checking the phone records for the last 3 moths and there have been no calls made to SC or from SC. hmmm...ok...is there a recurring number that you do not recognize...she might not have a SC cellphone number...just like I am in NJ but I have a Virginia cellphone number...OR...you husband has pay-as-you-go cell...search the car! or the OW knows he is married and is settling for email communication.
Author faithfulone Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 Wow....there's so much that I don't know about this cyber world. I will definitely look into that one. Thanks tami-chan
Author faithfulone Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 Ok....I get it. I'll check. I know I am going sound like an idiot (all of a sudden I feel like one) but what do I do with the number if I am not supposed to call. I have her work number, address and email account.
Author faithfulone Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 Just thought of something....could I bring it up by telling him that I want to ask him a hypothetical question: If a woman was emailing with a man that her husband knew nothing about and didn't know and also was telling this man how sexy he looks in his pictures, would that be considered cheating? Then wait for him to say yay or nay and then let him know how hypocritical is ass is because he is doing that very same thing?
2sure Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 It wont work. It wont work. Even if you print out the emails and put them on the table in front of him he will deny they exist. So - you are better off being up front from the get go. This is reality. This is your life. Your marriage. The way to counter betrayal and lies is NOT with manipulation and vagueness.
Author faithfulone Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 Once again 2sure, you are right. I thought the very same thing but its funny how stuff like this can have you second guessing yourself. We have been married for only 3 years now and I have fought off temptation and straying. I have been propositioned, approached and yet, I NEVER thought about going outside of my marriage. This latest "development", is a true test of my spirit. I looked at her picture, she looks nothing like me, not someone that I could ever actually see him being with, in my mind. I know that affairs are not merely based on the physical but that's all I have to go on right now. Why does this hurt so bad? Why would a man that could have ANYTHING he ever wanted and needed in ONE woman, stray? There is nothing that I would have not done, if it be within my power, for him. I feel like I've been hit by a truck and everyone is walking by watching me laid out in the street.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 FO, I'm of the mindset that you should have as much information, for your own peace of mind, before you confront. Also, you should be careful to make sure he has no reason to believe that you are questioning him right now. Get all of the info you can UPFRONT. Its easy to believe someone's spin when you want to badly enough.
2sure Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 faithfulone... I have to leave for the day, but I will look for your posts again. I have some hindsight that may be helpful to you. Nothing earth shattering of course. You are asking the right questions. You arent crazy. Take care.
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