girly81 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I am in the process of wrapping up what I have come to consider an EA. We haven't ever spoken about our relationship, but there is no way he could consider it appropriate. I have struggled with thinking it is all in my head though. Last week was quiet. The previous week, even though things worked out that I ended up seeing him nearly every night in social situations, I was trying to send clear "I need some space signals". I realized last thursday that he got it when as I was leaving and he was coming in, he quietly said " You don't have to leave on account of me". He went out of town for the weekend and then we exchanged maybe two texts over the weekend. It was a quiet, guarded week. But I knew we were both expected at a dinner party this Friday. On Friday he calls me three times...about dinner. The first call was excusable but he had no excuse for the second two. He easily could have called the host or my husband. And I could have easily not taken his call. His wife is out of town and at the last minute my husband has an emergency for his company and bows out. The first hour was very awkward. We were both uncomfortable. Things start to relax and we were able to just hang out. The friend who was hosting is the only person I have confided in about this. I have struggled to explain this to her because nothing really inappropriate has happened. Afterwards I asked her what her impression was and she was very honest. She said it was very obvious that we have a strong connection and the one word she used repeatedly was "intimacy". She mentioned that we touch a lot, lean in when talking, and of course eye contact. She said she felt she was the third wheel and that we would have just preferred to be alone. (We have never been alone) My H. felt bad for bailing the night before and invited him over steaks the next night. (His wife was still out of town). Then H spent most of the night in the other room on the phone. S was obviously uncomfortable at first but by the end of the night, we are back to legs touching under the table, fingers brushing when we pass something, unnecessary eye contact... And before I get flamed... I didn't choose this and I am trying to reign it in. There has been a connection since the moment we met and I have been trying to find a happy medium that preserves our family's friendship and establishes boundaries despite my very intense feelings. And this morning I text him and no response....which is good. We are back to ignoring each other..but man this is hard.
seibert253 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I don't have to tell you where this is going, you already know. Thus your attempts at boundries. So, are you willing to destroy two families by your choices? Because that's where your headed. You know this is wrong and disrespectful. Not only to your spouses, but to each other. I'm going to leave the flaming and burning for Dexter and the others, but I'll leave you with this one caviote: You sound as if you know what is the right thing to do. Then do it. End all contact with the OM. Want to ensure NC is maintained, I'm sure your husband and the OM's wife would help if they knew what's going on. Sometimes the right things are not popular and they are not easy.
lkjh Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 You are kidding yourself of you believe you can stay friends with him. You need to end the complete relationship or tell your H about it. Also, you did choose this. Everyone forms crushes but not everybody acts on them and you are acting on it. You can easily not play footsie's under the table but you choose to.
Tincup Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 are you fooling yourself, because you are not fooling anyone else here. You know what you are doing is not right or you would not be posting on this forum. You made a commitment to your husband when you married him. How about showing him a bit of respect and either ending it with the other man, or telling your husband what is going on. If you are hiding things from your husband, and saying things to this man that you would be embarrassed if your husband knew than this is not an appropriate relationship.
offset_man Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I am not going to judge you or play GOD here, since I have had my own problems. But let me ask you, "what are you looking for, if anything?" You are obviously very attracted to the man. Are there weaknesses in the marriage that are driving your curiousity? You are extremely vulnerable just now and you need to look deep inside of yourself. You are playing with fire, and these things always end badly. Trust me, Girly.
2sure Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 My H. felt bad for bailing the night before and invited him over steaks the next night. (His wife was still out of town). And before I get flamed... I didn't choose this and I am trying to reign it in. Can you drive a car, balance a check book, hold a job...stuff like that? Then certainly you should be able to prevent someone you have an inappropriate relationship with (or even attraction to) from having dinner with your husband in your home. Try a little harder.
offset_man Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Girly shouldn't be flamed here. She is struggling with a problem, and it is easy for us t sit back and say, "reign it in". I know what she is going through and she shouldn't be "screamed" at.
2sure Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 No one has screamed at her. Whether her actions are right or wrong are not the topic of the thread...she has asked for advice regarding her feelings given that she is married. Its good advice for anyone to NOT invite OM to dinner with the husband. For someone to say its something unavoidable is simply justifying it and OP sounds intelligent enought to see the difference. Having OM to dinner in home with her H is clearly an emotional conflict.
offset_man Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I have to admit that having the guy to dinner with her H is just a little tooooooo weird. Anyway, it happens and without stories like this, wouldn't life be just so boring.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I'm going to leave the flaming and burning for Dexter and the others, but I'll leave you with this one caviote: in other words, you'd really like to flame, but you'll just let someone else do it and claim the good guy role;)
Fallen Angel Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 As someone who is the OW, let me tell you, it doesn't get any easier.. you still can stop this, before it reaches a point that there is no turning back. Right now all there has been is some unacceptable flirtations. I implore you, if you love your husband, if he loves his wife, the two of you need to put an end to this NOW. Not tomorrow, not next week. NOW. The more time you spend together, especially alone, the more connected you will become emotionally. And most likely, in time it will move from the emotional to the physical... and once that damage is done, there is no way to undo it. You can appreciate him as someone special, but knowing that your feelings for him are less than honorable, you must stop this, or risk destroying your family and his. It seems to me that you are feeling ignored by your husband (you reffered to him backing out of a dinner engagement and then being on the phone through the course of the uncomfortable dinner). I would suggest you speak very honestly with your husband about the feelings of loneliness you are suffering. He is not a mind reader, if you need more of his attention tell him. Give him a chance to help you save your marriage before there is nothing left to save. Perhaps some MC and IC could help fix whatever it is you feel your marriage is lacking. Be strong, do what is best for everyone involved. Good luck, and good love.
eyeswide Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 (edited) Ok -- I'm going out on a serious limb of dangerous revelation here, but I can't just let you fall into the abyss, Girly81... Here's the thing I think I've learned about people in the early stages of love, especially when that love is somehow "problematic", shall we say...most of your rational parts are still functioning -- the parts of your mind that listen to people's words of caution and say "uh huh, I know - that's true - people can get hurt" but when you are in falling in love there's a little worm in your mind that cuts through all the rational chatter saying: "maybe this will be different somehow -- maybe our love is so perfect and meant to be that somehow all this madness will work out..." But you need to think of that little worm as a parasite -- it is feeding off your emotions and wanting to stoke the fire even more. It's enjoying soaking in all those crazy love chemicals that are firing off in your brain like its mezcal and it doesn't care what has to give in order to get more. This worm, I've felt it before myself. But worse, it infected my husband's mind in a situation far too similar to yours for me to look away. Two families -- almost completely destroyed. Four long, beautiful friendships most definitely destroyed. Our life does not look or feel the same anymore. I wake up every morning with painful thoughts of my ex-friend in my head. She haunts my dreams. My H and I will probably never be completely "over" any of this. You have a chance to stop this -- (my gosh, I am so envious of your H right now!) Here's the deal, though, I truly believe that if you want to minimize the destruction the only thing you can do is this. All 4 of you in a room together. You tell them all what's going on and that you want it to stop now so no one gets hurt. All of them. No joke. There will be fall-out -- but when the dust settles I think they will see that your intentions were good and you will have a chance to survive this without destroying yourself or those you love. And I'll bet that putting the feelings out there in the cold light of day will chill some of those feelings out pretty darn quick. The little worm is screaming in response to me "NO! NO! Don't do it! Feed me Girly! Feed me!" You know what I think you should say to the little worm... Good, good luck Girly. Please do the right thing. Edited November 10, 2009 by eyeswide spelling
Dexter Morgan Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 And before I get flamed... I didn't choose this and I am trying to reign it in. uh, wrong. You DID choose it.....or was it some paranormal force that made you do all those things? you were owning it, up until you said you didn't choose it. There has been a connection since the moment we met and I have been trying to find a happy medium that preserves our family's friendship and establishes boundaries despite my very intense feelings. with feelings like that, there is no happy medium. you can't be friends with someone you have a romantic interest in if you are married. and if you think I'm wrong....then tell your husband and see what he says about it. I highly doubt he'll say, "oh, so you want him? oh, thats ok, we should have them over more often"
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