Do you think my ex had cheated or is what she did technically OK?

[jayboy]

Hi I would be grateful for some advice or opinions on my situation below please.

 

- My girlfriend of 8 years told me she no longer wanted to be with me or loved me out of the blue 6 months ago. (There were intimacy,affection issues but nothing that couldn't be worked on IMO)

 

- She moved to her Mums. I checked her e-mail account and found a photo from an ex work colleague (Dave) with no text, and a photo of her to him again with no text.

 

- I asked her a few days why she had left and she said I said horrible things when we fought and I had a temper. I asked why she was exchanging photos with Dave and she said she had asked all of her friends for photos so she could put them on her iphone. (There were no other pictures or requests for picture in her e-mail account). I asked whether she liked Dave, she says she likes him as moe than a friend and wants to see if anything develops.

 

- I see her a few days later and ask what is happening between her and Dave. She says that she was lieing about him so that it would make me think she had moved on, and that she hoped it would make me move on.

 

- A few weeks later I visit her at her Mums. My ex is in a terrible state as her Mum is giving her a hard time about walking out on me. I ask her to give me a chance she says no. I ask her to move back into the flat for a few months to get her head togehter and to think about what she is doing (throwing away our relationship and our home). She agrees on the provisio that I move back to my Mums and that I hand over my key. I agree in depseration.

 

- My ex moves back to our flat and I move out. My ex disconnects the landline and I subsequently hear that she is always seen carrying a large sports back out in the morning and returing days later.

 

- During the next 3 months I ask for her reasons for leaving and am again given very weak answers, and she also repeats that she is happy with choice and she will not give me another chance at all.

 

- She tells me she is going away for the week for her birthday with friends but refuses to tell anyone where she is going and with whom.

 

- She agrees to sign over the flat to me with no fight whatsoever....a little odd considering she should be upset I have forced her into ending the relationship as she implied.

 

- I met her for dinner and ask if she is seeing anyone or has been seeing anyone....she denys being involved with anyone.

 

- After 6 months and us done and dusted, I start to think why would she leave so suddenly and give up everything just to go to her Mums, without even giving us a try. So I phone her and catch her bluff by saying she should come clean as I know everything about her and Dave. She confesses that she has been seeing him for a few months.

 

- She maintains that she broke up with me because she fell out of love with me, and then 2 months later hooked up with Dan. If this is true would someone who loved me for 8 years get with someone else after 2 months just like that?.....Seems a bit convenient to me?

 

- Her Mum says that since she moved back home she has spent every weekend at her "friends house"...though in all likelyhood she has probably been at Daves. Just last week Dave picked her up from her Mums and my ex wanted him to meet her Mum....hardly the behaviour of a relationship that has supposedly only been going on for a couple of months?

 

- Throughout all of this she has tried to convince me and everyone else that the split was due to my behaviour (This made me feel terrible/remorseful for 6 months)...but now she confesses to seeing Dave, but its unrelated?

 

Now my questions:

 

1. Do you think she is telling the truth when she says our split was solely because she fell out of love with me, then by conincidence 2 months later she hooks up with a guy who she has been acting very suspiciously about?

 

2. Or do you think it more likely that they had been planning this from before the split in order to engineer the split. Thus leaving her technically single when he hooked up with him? If this is true is this acceptable?

 

3. Do yo uthink she has been cheating or do you think she has done things by the book?

 

 

Grateful for any views.

Thanks

 

Sorry for the long post, but grateful for any views.

[jayboy]

can anyone offer any advice ?

[Davey McG]

It doesn't matter either way. Its over and you need to accept that.

 

She probably broke up with you to be with Dave (what a handsome name) and didn't tell you that was why to spare your feelings.

 

Sounds like she probably did it by the book and you need to let her go. You should probably not be asking these questions of her and stop contacting her so you can get on with your life.

[jayboy]

It doesn't matter either way. Its over and you need to accept that.

 

She probably broke up with you to be with Dave (what a handsome name) and didn't tell you that was why to spare your feelings.

 

Sounds like she probably did it by the book and you need to let her go. You should probably not be asking these questions of her and stop contacting her so you can get on with your life.

 

Oh I am not asking her, as I doubt I will get the truth. Its just that to my mind you don't throw away 8 years with someone on the off chance that a blossoming new relationship will work....which makes it seem like this has been going on for some time?

[Boundary Problem]

1. Do you think she is telling the truth when she says our split was solely because she fell out of love with me, then by conincidence 2 months later she hooks up with a guy who she has been acting very suspiciously about?

 

2. Or do you think it more likely that they had been planning this from before the split in order to engineer the split. Thus leaving her technically single when he hooked up with him? If this is true is this acceptable?

 

3. Do yo uthink she has been cheating or do you think she has done things by the book?

 

 

Global answer - none of it matters. She has moved on and you need to move on. If you convince yourself she was cheating - you will gush about it anytime someone asks about your divorce and that is unattractive. Better is "it didn't work out" and switch the topic fast.

 

But here are my specific thoughts:

1. I agree with her that the split was because she fell out of love AND she refused to try to do anything to try to fix it. Her haste in finding another warm body was unseemly (at best)

 

2. Exchanging pictures is usually done pretty early in. I don't sense a "master plan" from you told me. I sense she was done with you and interested in him. And then she took steps to execute.

 

3. A tiny bit of overlap is not uncommon when a marriage breaks down because the thrill of the new possible person gives the impetus to take the scary step of separation. I wouldn't call it cheating. I call it the actions of a weak person who is showing disrespect to the person they are still legally married to.

 

 

 

Takes two to build a marriage. It only takes one for it to fail. Which is frustrating for the spouse who did everything he could.

 

 

The more you demonize her in your mind, the more importance she assumes.

 

Do you think she is worrying about you right now?

 

no.

[jayboy]

Thanks for the reply Boundary Problem.

 

My parents say she seems like the type to run from problems and that they doubt she will find happiness....I am sure they are trying to support me, but do people think there is any truth in that?

 

I mean to my mind its pretty cold hearted to leave me after 8 years, project the blame to me, not try to regain the love and meet someone so quickly?

[NopeNah]

Look,man..You can try and get to the bottom of this for years.. short story IS..you guys didn't work out. The faster you take this in and deal with it the better off you'll be. It's over! NO over thinking or reasoning will change things..it's done!

[harmfulsweetz]

Why are you checking her email account btw?

 

Sorry, but she's an ex. That's an invasion of privacy.

 

She doesn't have to explain anything to you, you are an ex too.

 

Yes, eight years is a damn long time, and I'm sorry for your pain, but you can't mull over what was, what could have. It's the what is that counts. Be realistic here-you won't ever know if she cheated, so save yourself the agony and say she didn't.

 

Move on. She has.

[Boundary Problem]

Thanks for the reply Boundary Problem.

 

My parents say she seems like the type to run from problems and that they doubt she will find happiness....I am sure they are trying to support me, but do people think there is any truth in that?

 

I mean to my mind its pretty cold hearted to leave me after 8 years, project the blame to me, not try to regain the love and meet someone so quickly?

 

 

She chose not to invest further in your marriage. I don't know that I would describe it as running from problems. Your parents are obviously in your corner and take their efforts to cheer you up as just that.

 

The marriage ended (for whatever reason), each will naturally blame the other (the divorce carwash).

 

What I sense is that when you settle down again you want to make sure divorce doesn't happen again. So you are trying to source the reason.

 

Until you are honest with yourself as to how you contributed to the death of the connection between you - you won't be able to put your finger on the problem.

 

A starting point is perhaps looking at her negative behaviours and then how did you respond to her negative behaviours throughout the marriage. Once you see a pattern emerge then you can try and put a 'label' on the behaviour patterns and then go about rebuilding your internal engine for success.

 

 

By the way, I started a thread in the Marriage section about men leading - and it is something I need help on. Everyone thinks it is a troll thread, but it isn't and is something I could use your advice on...if you have time

thx

Boundary Problem.

[AnthonyMalibu]

Its just that to my mind you don't throw away 8 years with someone on the off chance that a blossoming new relationship will work....

 

Ah, see - here's where you're wrong.

 

I'm betting your romance had big problems for the final few years of the relationship. All too often people stay in a relationship way past the point where it's already gone. Then, when they finally leave, the partner can't understand why they'd "throw away" those years.

 

I also agree with Sweetz (who can load a mean dishwasher, by the way...) about the invasion of privacy and cheating thing. Your ex has moved on, and you're still trying to rationalize things in your mind (maybe she really didn't cheat... maybe they're just friends... maybe there's still a chance... etc...) Instead of spending all this energy on a dead relationship you should be spending it on moving on.

 

It's hard to get over a long-term relationship, but you're going to have to.

[harmfulsweetz]

Anthony, I can Oh yes I can. I just need a robot chef and I'm away! :laugh:

 

Focus on what you think went wrong between you two, not this other guy (who may be or may not be, or who she may have cheated or may not have).

[jayboy]

Ah, see - here's where you're wrong.

 

I'm betting your romance had big problems for the final few years of the relationship. All too often people stay in a relationship way past the point where it's already gone. Then, when they finally leave, the partner can't understand why they'd "throw away" those years.

 

I also agree with Sweetz (who can load a mean dishwasher, by the way...) about the invasion of privacy and cheating thing. Your ex has moved on, and you're still trying to rationalize things in your mind (maybe she really didn't cheat... maybe they're just friends... maybe there's still a chance... etc...) Instead of spending all this energy on a dead relationship you should be spending it on moving on.

 

It's hard to get over a long-term relationship, but you're going to have to.

 

Well in the final year of the relationship she took me to a family reunion overseas to introduce me to everyone, a few months before the split she asked me to marry her, we bought our own home and more....hardly the actions of someone who thought the relationship had big problems...in fact surely the complete opposite?

 

Still as you say its done and dusted now

[AnthonyMalibu]

If I may ask, why did it take you eight years to decide to marry her?

[jayboy]

If I may ask, why did it take you eight years to decide to marry her?

 

I think a combination of me being her first boyfriend when she was 21....I never wanted her to feel pressured into marrying me and wanted her to experience life a bit and we wanted things to be perfect in the sense that we wanted to own our own home together before we were married. For the last five years property prices where I am were ridiculous so that was difficult also.

 

Lastly I think for the first 2 years of our relationship I helped my ex and her Mum sort out their financial mess...so it took us a while to recover from that.