Why can't I find a good man?

[Jaytb]

If you're a man:

looks

intelligence

sanity

You only get a woman with 2 out of 3

 

if you're a woman:

money

looks

faithfulness

You only get a man with 2 out of 3

 

that about sums it up, right?

[Sam Spade]

As I stated previously, the ex about whom I had major financial concerns earned $12k, and he preferred to save as much of that as possible, then take time off work (thus earning nothing at all) and flit off round third world countries. I fail to see how I could have any sort of decent lifestyle (or raise a family) with a man who earns $12k. I resented being pretty much the sole provider - I don't want to feel like the "man" in the relationship, I don't want to carry someone else (and shouldn't have to). My current boyfriend is broke, not because of receiving a particularly low salary, but because of paying child support, alimony, and discharging debts incurred from his marriage and divorce - I question how I could have a stable future with him given that he can hardly meet his rent, never mind afford to have a family with me. I'm not asking for a rich guy, just someone who earns a reasonable amount which isn't eaten up by alimony and child support etc.

 

 

That's because you're a MAN, so you're naturally unconcerned with your woman not being the breadwinner, and you wouldn't find a woman who needed support to be unattractive (you might even find her dependency appealing). Women, on the other hand, usually want a man who they see as the protector and breadwinner - in general they find a strong and protective man to be sexually attractive, and a weak man who they have to support as unattractive. I don't want the masculine role in the relationship, I don't want a weak man who I have to support - I want a strong and desirable man who is at least somewhere close to being my equal. With regard to the other things that I want a man to bring to the table - it's mostly to do with me not being burdened with someone else's mistakes. I don't want someone else's debt, someone else's kids, someone else's problems or addictions. The parts of relationships that are supposed to be complementary are not things like him having debt when I have none, him having kids when I have none, him being an alcoholic when I am not... that's not complementary, that's me being burdened with his baggage.

 

 

On the contrary, intelligence is a very important issue. For one thing, I could not spend a large amount of my time with a companion who could not keep up with me intellectually - we'd have nothing to talk about and no interests in common, I'd go crazy if I was stuck with someone who had no appreciation of what I was talking about half of the time. For another thing, men and women tend to view intelligence differently. A man might enjoy being more intelligent and having a woman look up to him, whereas a woman is more likely to look down on a man for being less intelligent than her. I wish I could find a guy who I could look up to intellectually - I'd be so happy if I had a guy who I could respect - but that's not very likely so I at least want someone who I don't look down on.

 

I already decided on my priorities - I prioritise intelligence and decency far above looks, and if I was really pushed I might compromise on his baggage and solvency as long as he was well up there in the intelligence and niceness stakes. It seems unfair that I have to compromise though, since he doesn't really have to compromise on any of those issues at all.

 

 

Wow, I had no idea we're actually talking minimum wage here, that's indeed destitute. (It begs the question how did you hook up with a basically homeless AND apparently not very sharp guy in the first place?? If all your assets are true, you basically literally had to go out of your way, no?)

 

I understand how women want to feel secure and protected and all, but in this day it is time to tone it down just a bit. If you make your own money and he makes his own money you'll be fine. In fact, I wouldn't find complete helplessness in a woman appealing - I'm just assuming that she'll earn some money (at least enough for the yearly vacations), and so should you, whoever your partner ends up being.

 

On the issue of intelligence - i certainly don't undervalue it, it is ideal if it is present, I'm just saying that it is not nearly as important as other relationship skills/assets. I have a PhD, my ex gf will have a PhD in rocket science (literally, i.e. aerospace engineering) any day now; on the contrary, all that my current gf has is bad grammar , and one day - an MA. Yet I don't feel like I'm conversing with a dumb person - she's plenty thoughtful to be pleasant to communicate with. On the flip side, my ex's caltech degree and perfect GRE score didn't mean zilch in the face of her emotional issues that eventually ruined the relationship; so, intelligence is great, but it really is icing on the cake;

[JellyTot]

Wow, I had no idea we're actually talking minimum wage here, that's indeed destitute. (It begs the question how did you hook up with a basically homeless AND apparently not very sharp guy in the first place?? If all your assets are true, you basically literally had to go out of your way, no?)

He wasn't destitute - he was a bright guy with a degree in Business and he had (very nobly) chosen to work for a charity and accept minimum wage so he could dedicate his time to doing activities with mentally disabled children. I met him through my amateur dramatics group when I was in my 20s. He lived with his parents until he met me and eventually he moved into my place, but I eventually got tired of him being constantly broke and living off me. I suggested that his current occupation wasn't a long term prospect if we wanted to get married and raise a family, and I suggested he train in something like child psychology so he could still work with children in a more lucrative role. But he refused - he said he liked his job and his colleagues and the kids he worked with, and he liked the flexibility that allowed him to choose the hours he worked, and he liked to go backpacking abroad for a few months each year. I told him if he wasn't prepared to make changes that would allow us to build a life together then the relationship was over - so it was.

 

I understand how women want to feel secure and protected and all, but in this day it is time to tone it down just a bit. If you make your own money and he makes his own money you'll be fine. In fact, I wouldn't find complete helplessness in a woman appealing - I'm just assuming that she'll earn some money (at least enough for the yearly vacations), and so should you, whoever your partner ends up being.

I fully intend to earn my own money - probably more than my partner earns - I just don't want to carry someone else financially, same as you don't. A guy can be just as broke from alimony/debt/CS as he can be from being in a low-wage job.

 

 

On the issue of intelligence - i certainly don't undervalue it, it is ideal if it is present, I'm just saying that it is not nearly as important as other relationship skills/assets. I have a PhD, my ex gf will have a PhD in rocket science (literally, i.e. aerospace engineering) any day now; on the contrary, all that my current gf has is bad grammar , and one day - an MA. Yet I don't feel like I'm conversing with a dumb person - she's plenty thoughtful to be pleasant to communicate with. On the flip side, my ex's caltech degree and perfect GRE score didn't mean zilch in the face of her emotional issues that eventually ruined the relationship; so, intelligence is great, but it really is icing on the cake;

I'm not asking for a genius with a PhD, just someone with whom I can have a reasonably intellectual conversation and discuss issues that interest me. But as I said before, men and women have different views of intelligence - men like being looked up to intellectually but women don't so much, they're more likely to look down on a less intelligent guy. I just feel like I have no respect for a guy who isn't even as bright as I am - how am I supposed to look up at him as a strong protective man when he isn't even as smart as I am? A weaker man just isn't sexy.

[thegreatmoose]

I'm in my early 30s, well educated with a professional career, and nice looking (in my youth I made extra cash from modelling, and I still turn heads when I walk down the street). I'm in good health and I exercise regularly; I'm 5 feet 7 inches tall and a US size 6, with perfect teeth and no grey hair. I have never been married and have no children. My hobbies including amateur theatre (so I can sing, dance and act) and jewelry making (so I'm good with my hands). I'm very well read and can converse on any subject from Shakespeare to Roman history, from finance to evolutionary biology. I think I'm a reasonably good catch, so why can't I find a man to spend the rest of my life with?

 

The problem isn't finding men who are attracted to me, because I could go out any night of the week and get hit on by half a dozen guys. The problem is that I can't find a guy who I actually want to date! Here are some of the guys I've dated:

 

 

Ex #2: Stunningly good looking, very well educated, good job, no bad vices, no baggage. Unfortunately he was very big headed and wanted to spread his wonderfulness around a bit; he was incapable of commitment and cheated on me a few times.

I see that Ex #2 cheated on you a few times. Does this mean you gave him several chances? I have to wonder if you might be holding hold onto exes that you know are not ideal for too long. It takes up your time, which could be used on finding someone who is a better match.

 

Your requirements do not seem to be unreasonable, but in some cases you might want to consider bending a bit if he is great in other ways. For example, let's say you meet a man making more than the 12k of ex #4, but still much less than you, but is wonderful in other ways. Would that be good enough? How about a man who is ok or maybe marginal, but not ugly in looks and wonderful in other ways. Would that work? Only you can decide.

[Sam Spade]

He wasn't destitute - he was a bright guy with a degree in Business and he had (very nobly) chosen to work for a charity and accept minimum wage so he could dedicate his time to doing activities with mentally disabled children. I met him through my amateur dramatics group when I was in my 20s. He lived with his parents until he met me and eventually he moved into my place, but I eventually got tired of him being constantly broke and living off me. I suggested that his current occupation wasn't a long term prospect if we wanted to get married and raise a family, and I suggested he train in something like child psychology so he could still work with children in a more lucrative role. But he refused - he said he liked his job and his colleagues and the kids he worked with, and he liked the flexibility that allowed him to choose the hours he worked, and he liked to go backpacking abroad for a few months each year. I told him if he wasn't prepared to make changes that would allow us to build a life together then the relationship was over - so it was.

 

 

I fully intend to earn my own money - probably more than my partner earns - I just don't want to carry someone else financially, same as you don't. A guy can be just as broke from alimony/debt/CS as he can be from being in a low-wage job.

 

 

 

I'm not asking for a genius with a PhD, just someone with whom I can have a reasonably intellectual conversation and discuss issues that interest me. But as I said before, men and women have different views of intelligence - men like being looked up to intellectually but women don't so much, they're more likely to look down on a less intelligent guy. I just feel like I have no respect for a guy who isn't even as bright as I am - how am I supposed to look up at him as a strong protective man when he isn't even as smart as I am? A weaker man just isn't sexy.

 

Sounds like pretty unfortunate combination of events. I'm all for people pursuing their dreams instead of slaving to the man, but minimum wage isn't pursuing your dreams - it's insane. Even in the non-profit sector there are decent money to be made. I bet there are bigger issue here - Very few men will be content making this little money - it's not enough even for beer and cigarettes.

So, it's not too much to expect a guy to make something at least in the 50-60k range.

[DollWelch]

You're insane. And I don't mean that in a bad way. You're, just, drowning in an unattainable degree of love, only found in Dreamland.

 

Are you even remotely realistic about finding a "good man", contrary to "ideal man"? There is a big difference.

 

Because, in the end, you'll be searching for this special person for a looong time!

 

You're in your early 30s, you're not getting any younger. As a matter of fact, by the time you find your "Mr.Right" or "Soul-mate", you'll be immersed in baggage, old and wrinkly -and he probably wouldn't want you. No offense. He'd go for the young 24 year old, with a bubbly personality, and a brain made of plastic, but a personality and body to boot, nonetheless.

 

Spare yourself years of wandering, and find a "good man" that fits some of those criteria you have, but one that actually has a genuine soul -as opposed to a "Soul-mate", that's worth 6 figures and painted picture perfect.

 

You can't always get what you want in life. In due, you'll experience things in life, that will better enhance your view and understanding of the world and what it means to be a woman. Think about it.

[MeganDoll]

Dont settle,i wont until a find a guy like i see on tv, i see all these jow w around where i live it annoys me

 

I want someobdy gorgeous

[pandagirl]

You're insane. And I don't mean that in a bad way. You're, just, drowning in an unattainable degree of love, only found in Dreamland.

 

Are you even remotely realistic about finding a "good man", contrary to "ideal man"? There is a big difference.

 

Because, in the end, you'll be searching for this special person for a looong time!

 

You're in your early 30s, you're not getting any younger. As a matter of fact, by the time you find your "Mr.Right" or "Soul-mate", you'll be immersed in baggage, old and wrinkly -and he probably wouldn't want you. No offense. He'd go for the young 24 year old, with a bubbly personality, and a brain made of plastic, but a personality and body to boot, nonetheless.

 

Spare yourself years of wandering, and find a "good man" that fits some of those criteria you have, but one that actually has a genuine soul -as opposed to a "Soul-mate", that's worth 6 figures and painted picture perfect.

 

You can't always get what you want in life. In due, you'll experience things in life, that will better enhance your view and understanding of the world and what it means to be a woman. Think about it.

 

Well then, I'm living in "Dreamland," too. I don't believe in soulmates, and I don't think what the OP is looking for is crazy or unrealistic. I can name five women off the top of my head who didn't get married until their late 30s -- to wonderful, handsome men.

 

For me, finding a mate will not make or break me, so I'd rather be "alone," than be lukewarm about someone. OP, hold out until you find the real thing.

[simply]

I don't think you are being unreasonable about the qualities you want in a man, I think you are being unreasonable about what your looking for period. You arent looking for love, your looking for a guy you can partner up and play house with. You feel like you are losing valuable time that could be spent making a family and home. Thats what happens when you wait until your 30s to start getting serious. Most of the good ones are gone by then.

 

If you were looking for love instead of a man that meets your grocery store-esque checklist you might find happiness. I would know, I let mine go already

[eiithan]

There certainly is an over-romanticised image of philanthropists, activists, revolutionaries, etc in the history. Behind the scene is his/her family suffering in support of the publicly glorified person. Helping strangers at the cost of the close ones is a hypocrisy in my opinion. The idea is noble and respectable, yet one has to be no burden on the beloved ones before helping other people. And in that regard, I find the OP's boyfriend's refusal to earn a higher degree in psychology a red flag. If he's really committed, he should know that it is only a step to reach his ultimate goal (helping the disabled kids) in a more sustainable long term prospective. At least that is how I see it.

[JellyTot]

Sounds like pretty unfortunate combination of events. I'm all for people pursuing their dreams instead of slaving to the man, but minimum wage isn't pursuing your dreams - it's insane.

I think he prioritized his comfortable lifestyle above earning a decent salary - he liked to work fewer hours and have more time for travelling and reading and writing music.

 

I see that Ex #2 cheated on you a few times. Does this mean you gave him several chances?

Yes, I gave him a couple of chances because he was perfect in every other way; he said he was sorry and I sincerely wanted to believe him. It was a waste of time though.

 

Your requirements do not seem to be unreasonable, but in some cases you might want to consider bending a bit if he is great in other ways. For example, let's say you meet a man making more than the 12k of ex #4, but still much less than you, but is wonderful in other ways. Would that be good enough? How about a man who is ok or maybe marginal, but not ugly in looks and wonderful in other ways. Would that work? Only you can decide.

Yes, I'd be happy if the guy made a decent amount (even if it was less than me), or if he was only acceptable looking, but was wonderful in other ways. As long as I looked up to him in some sort of way, it would be ok.

 

I've thought about this at length, and I've come to the realization that I have to look up to a guy and respect him in order to be in love with him and feel sexual attraction for him. I don't know if that's true of all women - they say that women's ideas of attractiveness are formed by their fathers; my father is very strong and capable and intelligent, and I really look up to and respect him. I find it very off-putting when I have to call my father to sort something out because my boyfriend isn't capable, and I find it off-putting to see a boyfriend next to my father and realize that he isn't as strong or capable.

 

The only two men I've ever been in love with are the ones who I really respected. The first one was physically unattractive and not quite as intelligent as me, but I was smitten with him because he was strong and confident and capable, and I felt safe with him. The second one was a bit more attractive and intelligent, but I found his strength and confidence and respectability to be incredibly appealing. The guys who I wasn't in love with generally didn't have my respect for whatever reason - lack of intelligence, not working for a decent living, having illegitimate children, alcohol addiction, etc. For me to find a guy attractive he doesn't have to exceed me in intelligence, earning potential, looks... he just has to be high enough on those scales to be viable, and be generally respectable with no major dealbreakers, physically strong and confident - I have to look up to him as a decent man and feel safe and protected with him. Thinking about it in this way, I can identify exactly what made me feel unattracted to some of my exes - it's very illuminating

[Boundary Problem]

My question is, why can't I find a good man? (I'm female)

 

Current boyfriend: very little education

 

or he's decent but comes with a lot of baggage,

 

it makes me so sad to think that I'll never have true love in my lifetime.

 

 

There are lots of good men out there. There are no perfect men out there. You are looking for perfect.

 

I consider education in a mate - absolutely essential.

 

Everyone has baggage. Those that have dealt with their baggage are actually better company than someone with "no baggage", because they have a maturity and acceptance about life that is very appealing. They have a humanity to them that will replenish your soul. Baggage that hasn't been dealt with is a deal-breaker though - you are right.

 

True love is essential. I won't settle down again without it.

 

Once you find true love - Be polite, but relentless until you wear him down, like water wears down a stone.

[JellyTot]

You arent looking for love, your looking for a guy you can partner up and play house with. You feel like you are losing valuable time that could be spent making a family and home. Thats what happens when you wait until your 30s to start getting serious. Most of the good ones are gone by then.

To be fair, I've been looking for a serious relationship since the age of fifteen - I never wanted to date around, I just wanted one guy who I could love and spend my life with. He never came along, and I've been looking for the best part of two decades now I only started thinking about playing house with someone when I came to the conclusion that it was the best I could hope for, because Mr Right ain't coming.

 

Helping strangers at the cost of the close ones is a hypocrisy in my opinion. I find the OP's boyfriend's refusal to earn a higher degree in psychology a red flag. If he's really committed, he should know that it is only a step to reach his ultimate goal (helping the disabled kids) in a more sustainable long term prospective.

He felt that he was happier in his current job than he would be if he had a higher degree and a more stressful job. He liked helping kids, but a major factor was that he liked his comfortable lifestyle with short and flexible hours and lots of free time to indulge his hobbies. He didn't want to get a higher degree and a professional job which would require him to be in an office for 8 hours a day, he liked to wander home at lunchtime and compose music all afternoon in the spare bedroom. When he refused to change jobs he didn't do it for the kiddies, he did it because he liked his easy lifestyle.

 

For me, finding a mate will not make or break me, so I'd rather be "alone," than be lukewarm about someone. OP, hold out until you find the real thing.

This is exactly why I've never married - I'd rather be alone than be stuck with someone who I only feel lukewarm about, all the while still wondering if the guy I would have been totally in love with is still out there somewhere. It's only now that I'm in my 30s and my biological clock is ticking that I'm thinking about making a pragmatic choice and settling for someone who I don't really love

[pandagirl]

 

I've thought about this at length, and I've come to the realization that I have to look up to a guy and respect him in order to be in love with him and feel sexual attraction for him.

 

I completely agree. Respect and admiration are KEY elements.

[aerogurl87]

I'm reading this thread and the word that keeps popping up in my head is anomaly. She's looking for Mr. Perfect, but he doesn't exist. She even mentioned that she thought one of her exes was Mr. Perfect till he cheated. Well I say don't settle for second best, but at the same time stay realistic.

[JellyTot]

Everyone has baggage. Those that have dealt with their baggage are actually better company than someone with "no baggage", because they have a maturity and acceptance about life that is very appealing. They have a humanity to them that will replenish your soul. Baggage that hasn't been dealt with is a deal-breaker though - you are right.

 

It depends what the baggage is - some baggage can't be dealt with and doesn't go away. Bad relationships can be dealt with and put in the past, but kids are always going to be hanging around. I'm happy to help someone deal with bad experiences or solve temporary debt problems, but I'm not prepared to put up with issues that they aren't even trying to fix (such as my alcoholic ex) or to service ongoing financial responsibilities (such as supporting kids for years on end). I can even deal with some permanent issues such as illness or allergies or disabilities etc, as long as the person is positive and trying to make the best of it. So I suppose when I say "no baggage" I mean "nothing that hasn't been dealt with, or which you're not in the process of dealing with, or which will never go away and is a serious dealbreaker".

[pandagirl]

 

This is exactly why I've never married - I'd rather be alone than be stuck with someone who I only feel lukewarm about, all the while still wondering if the guy I would have been totally in love with is still out there somewhere. It's only now that I'm in my 30s and my biological clock is ticking that I'm thinking about making a pragmatic choice and settling for someone who I don't really love

 

While I've always wanted kids, when I turned 30 (31 now), I decided that I didn't want my desire to have kids lead me towards making the wrong decisions. I saw women my age getting desperate and bitter about not being able to find "a man" to lead the "Fairy Tale" life with, so they settled and now they are married and have kids with a father who their mother isn't in love with. Don't settle just to fulfill your biological clock. That's my own personal opinion. You have good fertile years until 40, and even then, you can always adopt!

 

Life shouldn't be practical. It should be meaningful.

[aerogurl87]

He felt that he was happier in his current job than he would be if he had a higher degree and a more stressful job. He liked helping kids, but a major factor was that he liked his comfortable lifestyle with short and flexible hours and lots of free time to indulge his hobbies. He didn't want to get a higher degree and a professional job which would require him to be in an office for 8 hours a day, he liked to wander home at lunchtime and compose music all afternoon in the spare bedroom. When he refused to change jobs he didn't do it for the kiddies, he did it because he liked his easy lifestyle.

 

He was happy, what's wrong with that? If I were happy with my job and lifestyle I wouldn't give it up for a more stressful lifestyle just because it would give me with more money. True happiness is priceless and probably the most rare commodity we have in our world today. As they say, if it ain't broke don't fix it. But that also just goes to show you need to find someone who matches what your looking for in a lifestyle.

[BookerT]

Jellytot,

 

If you're hot as you say.

 

You're good in bed.

 

You are interesting to talk to and can make intelligent conversation. (I like to talk about finance, evolutionary biology too and Roman history too!)

 

You have a good sense of humor.

 

You're fit and up for outdoor activities.

 

You never cheat, and not a hypocite that holds yourself to the same standards you expect your men.

 

You're nice and supportive, but not clingy and needy.

 

Then you can add me on facebook. Willie Booker, I'm the guy in the pic with 2 girls and a guy. Dressed as a Native American (was Halloween)

 

I'll marry you if you fit my criteria.

[Boundary Problem]

It depends what the baggage is - some baggage can't be dealt with and doesn't go away. Bad relationships can be dealt with and put in the past, but kids are always going to be hanging around. I'm happy to help someone deal with bad experiences or solve temporary debt problems, but I'm not prepared to put up with issues that they aren't even trying to fix (such as my alcoholic ex) or to service ongoing financial responsibilities (such as supporting kids for years on end). I can even deal with some permanent issues such as illness or allergies or disabilities etc, as long as the person is positive and trying to make the best of it. So I suppose when I say "no baggage" I mean "nothing that hasn't been dealt with, or which you're not in the process of dealing with, or which will never go away and is a serious dealbreaker".

 

How long did you date the alcoholic ex?

 

What was your parents relationship/marriage like? Can we get a bit of backstory?

[rod_in_gtown]

If you live in the Portland OR area, I have a great guy for you to meet. He meets (and exceeds) most of your criteria. Except for the attraction because I cannot gauge that for you.

[thegreatmoose]

Yes, I'd be happy if the guy made a decent amount (even if it was less than me), or if he was only acceptable looking, but was wonderful in other ways. As long as I looked up to him in some sort of way, it would be ok.

 

I've thought about this at length, and I've come to the realization that I have to look up to a guy and respect him in order to be in love with him and feel sexual attraction for him. I don't know if that's true of all women - they say that women's ideas of attractiveness are formed by their fathers; my father is very strong and capable and intelligent, and I really look up to and respect him. I find it very off-putting when I have to call my father to sort something out because my boyfriend isn't capable, and I find it off-putting to see a boyfriend next to my father and realize that he isn't as strong or capable.

 

The only two men I've ever been in love with are the ones who I really respected. The first one was physically unattractive and not quite as intelligent as me, but I was smitten with him because he was strong and confident and capable, and I felt safe with him. The second one was a bit more attractive and intelligent, but I found his strength and confidence and respectability to be incredibly appealing. The guys who I wasn't in love with generally didn't have my respect for whatever reason - lack of intelligence, not working for a decent living, having illegitimate children, alcohol addiction, etc. For me to find a guy attractive he doesn't have to exceed me in intelligence, earning potential, looks... he just has to be high enough on those scales to be viable, and be generally respectable with no major dealbreakers, physically strong and confident - I have to look up to him as a decent man and feel safe and protected with him. Thinking about it in this way, I can identify exactly what made me feel unattracted to some of my exes - it's very illuminating

Your standards seem reasonable overall. I did notice one thing that jumped out at me though which is comparing boyfriends to your father.

 

A father and a boyfriend are two different animals. Everybody has different skills. No matter who your boyfriend is, there are going to be things that you will have to call your father for that you boyfriend simply can not do. On the other hand, your boyfriend will likely be able to do many things that your father can not do. Most men would not want to be compared to your father. That puts a lot of pressure on us! Now, if your boyfriend were to have very few skills and you constantly have to go to your father because he is not capable, then it is probably a good idea to find someone else.

 

You mention physically strong and confident are important. These are two more things that are not measured in absolutes. What if they are great in others areas, but come up a bit short in one of these areas? How much is acceptable to you? It's your decision no matter what anyone says here. Is it possible that you are eliminating prospects that might turn out to be good?

[simply]

I think you are scoring yourself too high on the catch meter. Us girls tend to do that (admit it, we do). Because if you were really that great of a girl, you would have met a great guy by now, seeing as how youve been searching since you were a teenager and are now in your thirties. Thats a lot of time. I think you have an unrealistic view of yourself, maybe your parents brought you up telling you that you only deserve the best, while you may not have the qualities needed to net the absolute best (which is really what you want, wether you admit it or not). I think if that oh so great guy you have been holding out for was going to come alone, he would have by now. Its probably time to reexamine yourself and the decisions you made in the past.

[JellyTot]

I think you are scoring yourself too high on the catch meter. Us girls tend to do that (admit it, we do). Because if you were really that great of a girl, you would have met a great guy by now, seeing as how youve been searching since you were a teenager and are now in your thirties.

My parents did bring me up to have some self esteem - but I don't think I'm scoring myself too high, because I'm not looking for a man who exceeds anything I have to offer. I would settle for a decent nice guy with no serious baggage, who's roughly equivalent to me in earning potential and looks, intelligence etc - he doesn't even have to match me, just be close enough to be bearable and for me to be able to respect him. The thing is, I haven't even seen such a guy - you'd think I'd notice someone like that, even if he was already taken, or gay, or otherwise unavailable. The only guys who came close were the two I was in love with, although one lacked looks and the other lacked a conscience.

 

Your standards seem reasonable overall. I did notice one thing that jumped out at me though which is comparing boyfriends to your father.

I think respect is they key thing which makes me fall in love with a man, and lack of respect is the thing that prevents me from doing so - perhaps that's a throwback from my childhood feelings towards my father. I'm not looking for a guy who's perfect in every area, I'm just looking for someone I can respect and feel safe with. I've been trying to break it down in my mind, to figure out why I loved some guys and not others, and all I can think of is that the guys I was in love with seemed very strong and confident and capable (sort of like my father) while the guys I wasn't in love with seemed weak (physically or mentally weak, unable to take care of themselves financially, prone to addictions, lacking ambition and drive, etc).

 

How long did you date the alcoholic ex?

 

What was your parents relationship/marriage like? Can we get a bit of backstory?

I dated the alcoholic ex for over a year, because he was a nice guy who I liked in other respects. I tried to persuade him to drink less and exercise more, and when he objectified women I tried to ignore it and tell myself that he wasn't really such a bad guy. In the end I just had enough - I had to concede that although he was very smart and ok looking he simply wasn't a good relationship prospect.

 

My parents' relationship was stable, but not passionate or affectionate. I never saw them kiss or even hold hands. My father clearly looked down on my mother for her lack of intelligence (she's a wonderful woman and a hard worker, but she's not particularly intellectual). He always felt that he couldn't connect with her on an intellectual level, and in his more unpleasant moods he would say he made the mistake of being led by his you-know-what and he only married her for her looks. As time passed he withdrew further and further from the marriage, which resulted in her leaving him some ten years ago because she couldn't handle his cold silence any longer. I've always been determined not to make the same mistake he did - I don't want to marry someone who I can't connect with intellectually and don't respect, I don't want the uncommunicative and unaffectionate relationship that my parents had. This has led me into a few bad relationships with men who are very bright intellectually but perhaps not ideal in other ways.

[GorillaTheater]

My parents' relationship was stable, but not passionate or affectionate. I never saw them kiss or even hold hands. My father clearly looked down on my mother for her lack of intelligence (she's a wonderful woman and a hard worker, but she's not particularly intellectual). He always felt that he couldn't connect with her on an intellectual level, and in his more unpleasant moods he would say he made the mistake of being led by his you-know-what and he only married her for her looks. As time passed he withdrew further and further from the marriage, which resulted in her leaving him some ten years ago because she couldn't handle his cold silence any longer. I've always been determined not to make the same mistake he did - I don't want to marry someone who I can't connect with intellectually and don't respect, I don't want the uncommunicative and unaffectionate relationship that my parents had. This has led me into a few bad relationships with men who are very bright intellectually but perhaps not ideal in other ways.

 

I think this is somewhat illuminating, and may indicate an issue regarding your perspective. You state that you don't want to make the same mistake your father made, which is interesting since, based on what you wrote, I'd submit that it was your mother who made the "mistake" in marrying a man who was cold (yet emotionally abusive) and arrogant. It seems to me that it's her mistake you should avoid, not your father's. Put another way, maybe your father is more of a model for your life than he should be.