JellyTot Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Hi all, I've been lurking for a while and this is my first post. My question is, why can't I find a good man? (I'm female) I'm in my early 30s, well educated with a professional career, and nice looking (in my youth I made extra cash from modelling, and I still turn heads when I walk down the street). I'm in good health and I exercise regularly; I'm 5 feet 7 inches tall and a US size 6, with perfect teeth and no grey hair. I have never been married and have no children. My hobbies including amateur theatre (so I can sing, dance and act) and jewelry making (so I'm good with my hands). I'm very well read and can converse on any subject from Shakespeare to Roman history, from finance to evolutionary biology. I think I'm a reasonably good catch, so why can't I find a man to spend the rest of my life with? The problem isn't finding men who are attracted to me, because I could go out any night of the week and get hit on by half a dozen guys. The problem is that I can't find a guy who I actually want to date! Here are some of the guys I've dated: Ex #1: OK looking, very intelligent, good career, but he drank a lot (at least a bottle of wine every single day) and he got the shakes if he missed his daily alcohol ration. He also had a history of sleeping around and was a bit over-sexed; luckily I found out about this before I made the mistake of sleeping with him - he'd even been with prostitutes! Ex #2: Stunningly good looking, very well educated, good job, no bad vices, no baggage. Unfortunately he was very big headed and wanted to spread his wonderfulness around a bit; he was incapable of commitment and cheated on me a few times. Ex #3: Intelligent and nice, committed and trustworthy, good career, but not at all physically attractive (a factor which I tried unsuccessfully to overlook). He was also jealous and possessive. Ex #4: Also intelligent and nice, committed and trustworthy, but he was in a dead-end job - he liked his job, but it was so dead-end that he couldn't even support himself, let alone support a family with me, and he was subsidised financially by his parents and also by myself (until I got sick of him sucking all my money away). Ex #5: Nice and trustworthy and decent, wanted to marry me, but not the brightest spark, and very overweight and unfit. Current boyfriend: OK looking, the most intelligent and kind and considerate person I've ever met, and a perfect boyfriend who would marry me immediately. However he has very little education and no career to speak of (he's in a dead-end unprofessional job), plus he's divorced with kids. I question whether he could realistically marry me and support a family given his financial commitments to his kids and his lack of a good career, not to mention that I'm not overly keen on his baggage in the first place. So as you can see, none of the guys I've dated have been a realistic prospect for the future - there are a few others who I dated briefly but there were always the same sort of issues. Either he's good looking but unfaithful, or he's smart but ugly, or he's decent but comes with a lot of baggage, etc. I don't think I'm asking for a lot - I'm not asking for a millionaire, or a movie star - all I'm asking for is someone who's equivalent to myself. Someone who's roughly my age with a bright mind and a decent career, reasonably nice looking with no baggage or serious vices, trustworthy and kind and committed to having a relationship and a family. It just seems to me like I'm always getting the raw end of the deal, because someone else gets all that from me and yet I have to put up with less than that from him. I'm just beginning to feel disillusioned and depressed, because time is ticking away and I still haven't found a guy who I'm totally in love with and who loves me in return. I'm becoming doubtful that the guy I'm waiting for will ever come along, and it makes me so sad to think that I'll never have true love in my lifetime. I'm beginning to think that my standards are too high - but is it really too much to ask to be loved by someone equivalent to yourself? My current boyfriend is great if it wasn't for his baggage and his financial situation, so I'm hanging on in the hope that he can sort those things out in the next couple of years, because really I don't have any better options. I'm not totally in love with him, but he's decent and kind and wants to marry me, so maybe I should be happy with that and not expect to have true love. What do you think? Are my expectations unrealistic? Should I just settle with my current boyfriend (who is the best so far) and give up on this fanciful idea of true love?
betamanlet Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Hi all, I've been lurking for a while and this is my first post. My question is, why can't I find a good man? (I'm female) I'm in my early 30s, well educated with a professional career, and nice looking (in my youth I made extra cash from modelling, and I still turn heads when I walk down the street). I'm in good health and I exercise regularly; I'm 5 feet 7 inches tall and a US size 6, with perfect teeth and no grey hair. I have never been married and have no children. My hobbies including amateur theatre (so I can sing, dance and act) and jewelry making (so I'm good with my hands). I'm very well read and can converse on any subject from Shakespeare to Roman history, from finance to evolutionary biology. I think I'm a reasonably good catch, so why can't I find a man to spend the rest of my life with? The problem isn't finding men who are attracted to me, because I could go out any night of the week and get hit on by half a dozen guys. The problem is that I can't find a guy who I actually want to date! Here are some of the guys I've dated: Ex #1: OK looking, very intelligent, good career, but he drank a lot (at least a bottle of wine every single day) and he got the shakes if he missed his daily alcohol ration. He also had a history of sleeping around and was a bit over-sexed; luckily I found out about this before I made the mistake of sleeping with him - he'd even been with prostitutes! Ex #2: Stunningly good looking, very well educated, good job, no bad vices, no baggage. Unfortunately he was very big headed and wanted to spread his wonderfulness around a bit; he was incapable of commitment and cheated on me a few times. Ex #3: Intelligent and nice, committed and trustworthy, good career, but not at all physically attractive (a factor which I tried unsuccessfully to overlook). He was also jealous and possessive. Ex #4: Also intelligent and nice, committed and trustworthy, but he was in a dead-end job - he liked his job, but it was so dead-end that he couldn't even support himself, let alone support a family with me, and he was subsidised financially by his parents and also by myself (until I got sick of him sucking all my money away). Ex #5: Nice and trustworthy and decent, wanted to marry me, but not the brightest spark, and very overweight and unfit. Current boyfriend: OK looking, the most intelligent and kind and considerate person I've ever met, and a perfect boyfriend who would marry me immediately. However he has very little education and no career to speak of (he's in a dead-end unprofessional job), plus he's divorced with kids. I question whether he could realistically marry me and support a family given his financial commitments to his kids and his lack of a good career, not to mention that I'm not overly keen on his baggage in the first place. So as you can see, none of the guys I've dated have been a realistic prospect for the future - there are a few others who I dated briefly but there were always the same sort of issues. Either he's good looking but unfaithful, or he's smart but ugly, or he's decent but comes with a lot of baggage, etc. I don't think I'm asking for a lot - I'm not asking for a millionaire, or a movie star - all I'm asking for is someone who's equivalent to myself. Someone who's roughly my age with a bright mind and a decent career, reasonably nice looking with no baggage or serious vices, trustworthy and kind and committed to having a relationship and a family. It just seems to me like I'm always getting the raw end of the deal, because someone else gets all that from me and yet I have to put up with less than that from him. I'm just beginning to feel disillusioned and depressed, because time is ticking away and I still haven't found a guy who I'm totally in love with and who loves me in return. I'm becoming doubtful that the guy I'm waiting for will ever come along, and it makes me so sad to think that I'll never have true love in my lifetime. I'm beginning to think that my standards are too high - but is it really too much to ask to be loved by someone equivalent to yourself? My current boyfriend is great if it wasn't for his baggage and his financial situation, so I'm hanging on in the hope that he can sort those things out in the next couple of years, because really I don't have any better options. I'm not totally in love with him, but he's decent and kind and wants to marry me, so maybe I should be happy with that and not expect to have true love. What do you think? Are my expectations unrealistic? Should I just settle with my current boyfriend (who is the best so far) and give up on this fanciful idea of true love? Re: ex #4. If he liked his job, and was happy with it, but was not financially independent, do you expect a man to provide for you one day, yet you have a problem with you having to p rovide for a man? You do realize that for men, it's basically an accepted part of life that most guys (unlike this g uy) have to spent a LOT and LOT of money on women, yet women always seem to hold the reverse against guys... I think a lot of men resent being considered walking ATMS. Always have to pay for absolutely everything, and you held his money making abilities against him. Imagine if he had held your money making abilities against you had the roles been reversed? I think otherwise your standards are pretty realistic.
Author JellyTot Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 (edited) I realized that ex #4 was a nice guy, and I respected that he was happy with his job and wanted to continue doing it, but I didn't want to support him for the rest of my life. I don't expect a guy to support me, but I do expect him to contribute a reasonable amount to our life together; I don't want to have to carry him. Ex #4 couldn't even contribute 50% of our living costs - he earned about $12k running outdoor activities for disabled kids, and he loved it and it was a very worthy occupation, but that amount couldn't support a family even if I worked too (which I would intend to do anyway). Before I came along, his parents subsidized him - when he moved in with me I basically ended up supporting him, which didn't exactly make me look at him as a strong desirable man, and over time our relationship deteriorated. I guess a lot of men have the same view of women - they want a woman who will contribute something, not someone they have to carry financially. Edited November 9, 2009 by JellyTot
homersheineken Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 "I'm asking for is someone who's equivalent to myself. Someone who's roughly my age with a bright mind and a decent career, reasonably nice looking with no baggage or serious vices, trustworthy and kind and committed to having a relationship and a family." And If he's missing one, he's not good enough. That's not a good man, that's a perfect man
ZoomAround Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 JellyTot, What you are describing does not exist. Every man you are going to run into will have something about them you don't care about and from the sound of your post, if you don't find something at first you will dig and dig into him until you find something wrong with him. I think like most women out there now a days like you are brainwashed by Sex and the City and various chick flicks to think that you MUST find the perfect man with a fairy tale wedding which includes horses and a 18th century church. No one is perfect and neither is any man you or any other girl on this earth is going find. You need to remember that. It sounds like you already found some good men, but you aren't looking for a good man, you are looking for something only seen in movies.
pandagirl Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I can relate to this situation. I admit, I am very picky! A guy peaks my interest maybe once a year, but I am OK with that. I'd rather not just date someone I'm only half into. But, I would like to point out that out of all your ex's, the only one you seemed into was Ex #2, the extremely good-looking one who cheated on you. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to think a guy who is very good-looking doesn't feel like he has to settle down until much later in life.
Author JellyTot Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 OK, so does that make me the perfect woman because I bring all of those qualities to the table? As I said, I'm not asking for perfection, I just want someone who's equivalent to myself. I'm not so arrogant as to think I'm so perfect that there are no guys out there who can match what I have to offer - I just figure that if I can offer those things in a relationship, there must be a guy who can also offer them to me, and I find it very frustrating that there seems to be nobody who can. Perhaps I do feel that a guy isn't "good enough" if he can't offer me the same things I can offer him. Is it so unreasonable to want someone who can give the same as they receive?
rod_in_gtown Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Sounds like you're being too mathematical about certain things. Are you a lawyer? In my experience is just a matter of putting yourself out there so that the perfect match for you will find you. Doesn't sound like you're too hung up on looks (which is good) because looks do fade and when you're looking for a companion it's more about how you get along together than the physical attraction (there must be at least some in this department). In my case it just happened, It took many many years and a ton of dates. But now I've found someone who is not only very very introspective and intelligent, sensitive and with a depraved sense of humor, but is also kind, respectful and communicative. I'm attracted to her and she is to me. The hard part is looking past what's on the surface and actually trying to see what's inside. It sounds like #4 was a wonderful man, unfortunately not liquid enough for you. Just because someone is not in the perfect place financially at the moment you meet doesn't mean they won't get there. You need to have some patience in that department, and if money and physical comforts are important to you, then you should think about making sure you can get those things yourself. It's a huge double standard that women expect their partners to be generous and provide for a family regardless of their own accumulation, but when the man makes less than them, then they're "tired of him draining my resources". If you expect your mate to be selfless about money, shouldn't he also expect the same from you?
rod_in_gtown Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 JellyTot, What you are describing does not exist. Every man you are going to run into will have something about them you don't care about and from the sound of your post, if you don't find something at first you will dig and dig into him until you find something wrong with him. I think like most women out there now a days like you are brainwashed by Sex and the City and various chick flicks to think that you MUST find the perfect man with a fairy tale wedding which includes horses and a 18th century church. No one is perfect and neither is any man you or any other girl on this earth is going find. You need to remember that. It sounds like you already found some good men, but you aren't looking for a good man, you are looking for something only seen in movies. I concur, if you're looking for a perfect mate, are you willing to be perfect yourself?
rod_in_gtown Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 OK, so does that make me the perfect woman because I bring all of those qualities to the table? As I said, I'm not asking for perfection, I just want someone who's equivalent to myself. I'm not so arrogant as to think I'm so perfect that there are no guys out there who can match what I have to offer - I just figure that if I can offer those things in a relationship, there must be a guy who can also offer them to me, and I find it very frustrating that there seems to be nobody who can. Perhaps I do feel that a guy isn't "good enough" if he can't offer me the same things I can offer him. Is it so unreasonable to want someone who can give the same as they receive? You're describing me, unfortunately I'm taken
betamanlet Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I realized that ex #4 was a nice guy, and I respected that he was happy with his job and wanted to continue doing it, but I didn't want to support him for the rest of my life. I don't expect a guy to support me, but I do expect him to contribute a reasonable amount to our life together; I don't want to have to carry him. Ex #4 couldn't even contribute 50% of our living costs - he earned about $12k running outdoor activities for disabled kids, and he loved it and it was a very worthy occupation, but that amount couldn't support a family even if I worked too (which I would intend to do anyway). Before I came along, his parents subsidized him - when he moved in with me I basically ended up supporting him, which didn't exactly make me look at him as a strong desirable man, and over time our relationship deteriorated. I guess a lot of men have the same view of women - they want a woman who will contribute something, not someone they have to carry financially. What about all the men out there that work who have wives that don't so they contribute absolutely no income. How come these men don't dump the women, and why did you dump him? He's doing something he loves. Do you see the double standard here?
ADF Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Hi all, I've been lurking for a while and this is my first post. My question is, why can't I find a good man? (I'm female) I'm in my early 30s, well educated with a professional career, and nice looking (in my youth I made extra cash from modeling, and I still turn heads when I walk down the street). I'm in good health and I exercise regularly; I'm 5 feet 7 inches tall and a US size 6, with perfect teeth and no gray hair. I have never been married and have no children. My hobbies including amateur theater (so I can sing, dance and act) and jewelry making (so I'm good with my hands). I'm very well read and can converse on any subject from Shakespeare to Roman history, from finance to evolutionary biology. I think I'm a reasonably good catch, so why can't I find a man to spend the rest of my life with? The problem isn't finding men who are attracted to me, because I could go out any night of the week and get hit on by half a dozen guys. The problem is that I can't find a guy who I actually want to date! Here are some of the guys I've dated: Ex #1: OK looking, very intelligent, good career, but he drank a lot (at least a bottle of wine every single day) and he got the shakes if he missed his daily alcohol ration. He also had a history of sleeping around and was a bit over-sexed; luckily I found out about this before I made the mistake of sleeping with him - he'd even been with prostitutes! Ex #2: Stunningly good looking, very well educated, good job, no bad vices, no baggage. Unfortunately he was very big headed and wanted to spread his wonderfulness around a bit; he was incapable of commitment and cheated on me a few times. Ex #3: Intelligent and nice, committed and trustworthy, good career, but not at all physically attractive (a factor which I tried unsuccessfully to overlook). He was also jealous and possessive. Ex #4: Also intelligent and nice, committed and trustworthy, but he was in a dead-end job - he liked his job, but it was so dead-end that he couldn't even support himself, let alone support a family with me, and he was subsidised financially by his parents and also by myself (until I got sick of him sucking all my money away). Ex #5: Nice and trustworthy and decent, wanted to marry me, but not the brightest spark, and very overweight and unfit. Current boyfriend: OK looking, the most intelligent and kind and considerate person I've ever met, and a perfect boyfriend who would marry me immediately. However he has very little education and no career to speak of (he's in a dead-end unprofessional job), plus he's divorced with kids. I question whether he could realistically marry me and support a family given his financial commitments to his kids and his lack of a good career, not to mention that I'm not overly keen on his baggage in the first place. So as you can see, none of the guys I've dated have been a realistic prospect for the future - there are a few others who I dated briefly but there were always the same sort of issues. Either he's good looking but unfaithful, or he's smart but ugly, or he's decent but comes with a lot of baggage, etc. I don't think I'm asking for a lot - I'm not asking for a millionaire, or a movie star - all I'm asking for is someone who's equivalent to myself. Someone who's roughly my age with a bright mind and a decent career, reasonably nice looking with no baggage or serious vices, trustworthy and kind and committed to having a relationship and a family. It just seems to me like I'm always getting the raw end of the deal, because someone else gets all that from me and yet I have to put up with less than that from him. I'm just beginning to feel disillusioned and depressed, because time is ticking away and I still haven't found a guy who I'm totally in love with and who loves me in return. I'm becoming doubtful that the guy I'm waiting for will ever come along, and it makes me so sad to think that I'll never have true love in my lifetime. I'm beginning to think that my standards are too high - but is it really too much to ask to be loved by someone equivalent to yourself? My current boyfriend is great if it wasn't for his baggage and his financial situation, so I'm hanging on in the hope that he can sort those things out in the next couple of years, because really I don't have any better options. I'm not totally in love with him, but he's decent and kind and wants to marry me, so maybe I should be happy with that and not expect to have true love. What do you think? Are my expectations unrealistic? Should I just settle with my current boyfriend (who is the best so far) and give up on this fanciful idea of true love? OP. I'm gonna say something I usually say to men rather than women. People don't owe it to you to love you just because you think you're so wonderful. Yes, your standards are unrealistically high. Nothing you described was unreasonable per se, but your post gives the impression of an extremely picky, judgmental person. Here's a reality check: "The One" is a lie. The One doesn't exist. No two people are compatible in every way. There is no settling down without some settling for. And that goes for both sexes.
sumdude Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Don't really have an answer for you. What you want isn't entirely unreasonable, though everyone you meet will probably have at least one quality you don't like. Heck I'm 41, divorced (not my choice), no kids, good career etc etc But I'm still a smoker so that's an instant dealbreaker for a lot of women. Yes it's something I can and should change but I'm not there just now. Keep your eyes and mind wide open. If you already know this relationship isn't for you get out now before it drags on even longer.
boogieboy Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 You will have to play the numbers to get the guy you want. But most of the guys that approach you have their choices, so they wont want to commit. I dont know how many guys you actually approach that may be shy and good guys, but you have alot more dating to do before you find the guy equivalent to you. So you shouldnt be staying with guys that dont meet your standards, cut them loose and keep looking. If youre just sitting by waiting for them to hit on you though, youre going to keep getting dissappointed.
betamanlet Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 OK, so does that make me the perfect woman because I bring all of those qualities to the table? As I said, I'm not asking for perfection, I just want someone who's equivalent to myself. I'm not so arrogant as to think I'm so perfect that there are no guys out there who can match what I have to offer - I just figure that if I can offer those things in a relationship, there must be a guy who can also offer them to me, and I find it very frustrating that there seems to be nobody who can. Perhaps I do feel that a guy isn't "good enough" if he can't offer me the same things I can offer him. Is it so unreasonable to want someone who can give the same as they receive? But would you like a guy who is okay looking, is educated, makes good money, but doesn't provide drama? That's basically me. What do you really want, not what you say you want, but what is it that you really want? You'd think I'd be a hot commidity because I'm not bad looking, am loyal, and caring, am educated, make good money, yet I see women going for abusive guys all the time while I go dateless. Are you sure you know what you want? Not trying to say I'm ideal, at all.. But I think very few women actually want what they say they want.
betamanlet Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Sounds like you're being too mathematical about certain things. Are you a lawyer? In my experience is just a matter of putting yourself out there so that the perfect match for you will find you. Doesn't sound like you're too hung up on looks (which is good) because looks do fade and when you're looking for a companion it's more about how you get along together than the physical attraction (there must be at least some in this department). In my case it just happened, It took many many years and a ton of dates. But now I've found someone who is not only very very introspective and intelligent, sensitive and with a depraved sense of humor, but is also kind, respectful and communicative. I'm attracted to her and she is to me. The hard part is looking past what's on the surface and actually trying to see what's inside. It sounds like #4 was a wonderful man, unfortunately not liquid enough for you. Just because someone is not in the perfect place financially at the moment you meet doesn't mean they won't get there. You need to have some patience in that department, and if money and physical comforts are important to you, then you should think about making sure you can get those things yourself. It's a huge double standard that women expect their partners to be generous and provide for a family regardless of their own accumulation, but when the man makes less than them, then they're "tired of him draining my resources". If you expect your mate to be selfless about money, shouldn't he also expect the same from you? There are MANY double standards involved with dating, and virtually all of them are applied against men. The only "double standard" that is not in favor of women is the "slut" thing, but only women really use that term to insult each other. I don't recall any guy using that term. But that's the only one I can think of... But the man is expected to earn more, etc...
Author JellyTot Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 What you are describing does not exist. On the contrary: I exist, and I offer all of those qualities. Are you suggesting that nobody else exists who can match me? That there is nobody else who is single, solvent, intelligent and faithful? It sounds like you already found some good men, but you aren't looking for a good man, you are looking for something only seen in movies. So should I have married the alcoholic who had the shakes, the cheater, or the guy who bled me dry financially? But, I would like to point out that out of all your ex's, the only one you seemed into was Ex #2, the extremely good-looking one who cheated on you. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to think a guy who is very good-looking doesn't feel like he has to settle down until much later in life. I actually thought he was Mr Perfect for quite some time, until he cheated on me. I was madly in love with him because he appeared to be everything I ever wanted - until he cheated and we broke up. I'm also beginning to think that the handsome guys are the ones who are most unfaithful Sounds like you're being too mathematical about certain things. Are you a lawyer? No, not a lawyer - a scientist. Doesn't sound like you're too hung up on looks (which is good) because looks do fade and when you're looking for a companion it's more about how you get along together than the physical attraction. I started off by dating attractive guys, but (as evidenced by my list of exes) they turned out to be alcoholics and cheaters. So I disregarded looks completely and went for a nice guy, but discovered that it doesn't work if there's absolutely no attraction. I then tried to ignore other factors such as solvency and intelligence, but I couldn't see a future with those guys. I finally resorted to dating a guy with a ridiculous amount of baggage, simply because he was good in most other respects, but I'm still not really happy Just because someone is not in the perfect place financially at the moment you meet doesn't mean they won't get there. You need to have some patience in that department, and if money and physical comforts are important to you, then you should think about making sure you can get those things yourself. He was never going to be in that place - he was adamant that he enjoyed his lifestyle and didn't want to do something more lucrative, even if it enabled us to support a family together. As well as not earning much, he would periodically take time off work and spend the little money he saved on travelling, which is not what I want a man to do - I want a stable and solvent guy to marry and buy a home with, I don't want to go flitting round third world countries. Of course I can obtain money and physical comforts myself if I want them, but why should I have to provide them for someone else too? I just want to build a life with someone who can meet me more or less halfway.
pandagirl Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 There are MANY double standards involved with dating, and virtually all of them are applied against men. The only "double standard" that is not in favor of women is the "slut" thing, but only women really use that term to insult each other. I don't recall any guy using that term. But that's the only one I can think of... But the man is expected to earn more, etc... OP didn't say she wanted a guy to make millions of dollars, she just wants someone who isn't struggling for money.
ZoomAround Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 You'd think I'd be a hot commidity because I'm not bad looking, am loyal, and caring, am educated, make good money, yet I see women going for abusive guys all the time while I go dateless. That sounds a lot like my situation sometimes. I am not a bad looking guy, I am 27, with a good career and education, loyal, super nice and caring. Pretty much the ideal "nice guy" girls are always looking for. Yet for example, a girl who I lived with for two years who cheated on me when I was over in Iraq (I used to be in the Marines) is now living with a guy who chokes her, throws her against walls, and vows to never marry her. Last time I talked to her she was trying to get pregnant by the guy at least since he won't marry her. Other girls I have been with love how I am a nice guy at first because they have never had one, but then it gets to their head and they starting treating me like crap thinking they can "get away with it" because I am so nice.
espec10001 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 While self confidence is good, you are never going to find the "perfect" man. And you should realize that you are not "perfect" either. Everyone has problems and faults, it makes them real.
Author JellyTot Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 I concur, if you're looking for a perfect mate, are you willing to be perfect yourself? I don't claim to be perfect, or to be looking for perfection - I just want someone who can offer the same as I can, i.e. someone single with no ex-spouses or kids, ok looking, reasonably intelligent and solvent, and no unmanageable vices. What about all the men out there that work who have wives that don't so they contribute absolutely no income. How come these men don't dump the women, and why did you dump him? He's doing something he loves. Do you see the double standard here? If men want to work to support women, then they're fools - I refuse to labour so that someone else can have a cushy life, and I don't expect anyone to do that for me either. It would only be a double standard if I expected something that I'm not prepared to provide, but that's not the case - I support myself so I expect my partner to do the same. But would you like a guy who is okay looking, is educated, makes good money, but doesn't provide drama? That's basically me. What do you really want, not what you say you want, but what is it that you really want? I don't want drama, I want stability! I want a generally good guy who's prepared (and able) to build a life with me, who's attractive enough to have a physical relationship with and bright enough to have interesting conversations with. OP didn't say she wanted a guy to make millions of dollars, she just wants someone who isn't struggling for money. All I'm looking for is equality, or even near-equality would do. I don't want to carry someone else, and I don't expect them to carry me - I just want a partnership where we can treat each other as equals.
betamanlet Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 OP didn't say she wanted a guy to make millions of dollars, she just wants someone who isn't struggling for money. Yet should would expect him to date her even if she were struggling with money? Look at what I found today. http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/rnr/1458299756.html
rod_in_gtown Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 No, not a lawyer - a scientist. That's a close second hahahaha! I started off by dating attractive guys, but (as evidenced by my list of exes) they turned out to be alcoholics and cheaters. So I disregarded looks completely and went for a nice guy, but discovered that it doesn't work if there's absolutely no attraction. I then tried to ignore other factors such as solvency and intelligence, but I couldn't see a future with those guys. I finally resorted to dating a guy with a ridiculous amount of baggage, simply because he was good in most other respects, but I'm still not really happy It's important that you are happy, and I commend you on looking beneath the surface, the guy you are looking for is out there, it may just take more patience on your part. Not easy and horribly frustrating, I know. He was never going to be in that place - he was adamant that he enjoyed his lifestyle and didn't want to do something more lucrative, even if it enabled us to support a family together. As well as not earning much, he would periodically take time off work and spend the little money he saved on travelling, which is not what I want a man to do - I want a stable and solvent guy to marry and buy a home with, I don't want to go flitting round third world countries. Of course I can obtain money and physical comforts myself if I want them, but why should I have to provide them for someone else too? I just want to build a life with someone who can meet me more or less halfway. It sounds like he just wasn't the guy for you, a good fit for him would be a person who does the same kind of non-profit work and takes special interest in other world cultures and their issues. Don't worry, the perfect guy for you is out there looking, just make sure you're visible I met my gf on match.com, have you tried it?
betamanlet Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 That sounds a lot like my situation sometimes. I am not a bad looking guy, I am 27, with a good career and education, loyal, super nice and caring. Pretty much the ideal "nice guy" girls are always looking for. Yet for example, a girl who I lived with for two years who cheated on me when I was over in Iraq (I used to be in the Marines) is now living with a guy who chokes her, throws her against walls, and vows to never marry her. Last time I talked to her she was trying to get pregnant by the guy at least since he won't marry her. Other girls I have been with love how I am a nice guy at first because they have never had one, but then it gets to their head and they starting treating me like crap thinking they can "get away with it" because I am so nice. Most women need drama to be happy. Nice guys don't provide drama, hence why guys like us tend to fail with women. The small minority, say 10% of women that actually have self esteem and don't need drama and don't mind being treated well, and don't find that boring, are usually not single, and fortunately also, don't cheat... Your last comment actually touches home, though it doesn't apply to me. if you ask women about it, if you're "nice" they won't feel the slightest bit guilty using you, they think you deserve it. Now imagine if the roles were reversed, and you could sense some weakness in her you could take advantage of, you'd be a "pig." There's no shortage of women that wouldn't completely steal from a "nice guy" if she thinks he deserves it. Being a doormat to a woman gives her license to do whatever she wants without any feelings of guilt.
betamanlet Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I don't claim to be perfect, or to be looking for perfection - I just want someone who can offer the same as I can, i.e. someone single with no ex-spouses or kids, ok looking, reasonably intelligent and solvent, and no unmanageable vices. If men want to work to support women, then they're fools - I refuse to labour so that someone else can have a cushy life, and I don't expect anyone to do that for me either. It would only be a double standard if I expected something that I'm not prepared to provide, but that's not the case - I support myself so I expect my partner to do the same. I don't want drama, I want stability! I want a generally good guy who's prepared (and able) to build a life with me, who's attractive enough to have a physical relationship with and bright enough to have interesting conversations with. All I'm looking for is equality, or even near-equality would do. I don't want to carry someone else, and I don't expect them to carry me - I just want a partnership where we can treat each other as equals. Not bad. You live in the DC area by any chance?
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