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Posted

Hello all, and thank you for reading my post. I'll try to be specific as possible and hopefully you can give me some advice.

 

I have now been married 6 months, and even though our marriage has been tough at times I still love my wife and she still loves me very much. Divorce isn't on the horizon and I sense a lot of great years ahead of us.

 

However, something came up recently which I feel compelled to act on.

 

Being a member of Facebook, I noticed that a Facebook friend of mine (she was closer with one of my friends and I just sort of knew her through him) became friends with a girl that I had this MASSIVE crush on in college about 10 years ago.

 

A little background information on me: I'm the type of guy who never hides his feelings. I feel stifled and worked up whenever I can't get something off my chest. It makes me feel good to release whatever I'm feeling - no matter the consequence.

 

What I'd like to do is tell this girl that I had a crush on her in college and just have general conversation with her just to see what she like. It is NOT my intention to cheat on my wife and do not plan on ever hooking up with this woman. This woman seems to be unmarried based on her profile and I don't see her with other guys in her photos.

 

Is my PM to her is out of line even if the intention is just be friendly and nothing more? I'd like hear how you women would deal with a random PM from a guy you don't know.

Posted

Only think I can say is how would you react to your wife sending some guy she had a huge crush on a PM. On top of that, saying "I had a huge crush on you". My feeling is that it's sending the wrong message. If you want to open up a conversation with this person, it's probably best to do it in a public forum, where there is nothing to hide. Also, if what you would say in a PM is different than what you would say in public, you need to think long and hard about sending it.

 

"intention is just be friendly and nothing more?"

 

I read somewhere about some road being paved with good intentions :)

Posted

Yeah it is out of line, especially if you do it without your wife's knowledge. What good can come of this? This seems like an unhealthy curiosity to me. Were you good friends with this person before? If not, then I seriously doubt you are looking for any kind of friendship now. It seems like more of an ego boost thing to me. You are playing with fire.

Posted
I have now been married 6 months, and even though our marriage has been tough at times I still love my wife and she still loves me very much. Divorce isn't on the horizon and I sense a lot of great years ahead of us.

You may love your wife, but it seems you don't respect her, or your marriage vows if you're considering telling your crush how you feel. NO GOOD CAN COME OF IT.

 

However, something came up recently which I feel compelled to act on.

 

Compelled to act upon, but you're a married man now, so wanting to do something about it is just plain wrong. Imagine your wife doing what you're doing, how would YOU feel?

 

Being a member of Facebook, I noticed that a Facebook friend of mine (she was closer with one of my friends and I just sort of knew her through him) became friends with a girl that I had this MASSIVE crush on in college about 10 years ago.

 

So what? Everyone has crushes. It's how you handle them, keep it in perspective. Just because you have a crush on someone from your past doesn't mean you have to tell her.

A little background information on me: I'm the type of guy who never hides his feelings. I feel stifled and worked up whenever I can't get something off my chest. It makes me feel good to release whatever I'm feeling - no matter the consequence.

 

IS the consquence of hurting your wife worth telling your crush how you feel? Is possibly losing what you have now worth it? Come on. You're an adult, not a kid anymore. Stop being selfish, it isn't just about you - YOU have a wife to think of.

 

What I'd like to do is tell this girl that I had a crush on her in college and just have general conversation with her just to see what she like. It is NOT my intention to cheat on my wife and do not plan on ever hooking up with this woman. This woman seems to be unmarried based on her profile and I don't see her with other guys in her photos.

 

It doesn't matter if she's married or not, YOU are married! Going back in time, reaching out to someone you once knew, had a crush on is SO pointless and all it will do is tempt you.. Why bother? An ego feed to see if this chick likes you? That you still "got it" even though you're married?

 

You say your intention is NOT to cheat on your wife, then why open the door and tempt yourself? WHAT IF you and this so-called crush hit it off and there's feelings on her side as well..What then? THINK this through, don't just act on impulse and be selfish. Again, NO good can come of this.

 

Is my PM to her is out of line even if the intention is just be friendly and nothing more? I'd like hear how you women would deal with a random PM from a guy you don't know.

 

Yes it IS out of line, for so many reasons.

 

I would really wonder why some guy would PM me, especially if he was married. DON'T DO IT.

 

What's wrong inside of you, that you feel the need to do this? You say you love your wife, but the actions you're about to do show otherwise.

  • Author
Posted

 

Yes it IS out of line, for so many reasons.

 

I would really wonder why some guy would PM me, especially if he was married. DON'T DO IT.

 

What's wrong inside of you, that you feel the need to do this? You say you love your wife, but the actions you're about to do show otherwise.

 

You jump to conclusions so quickly. What part of my post did you not understand? I don't intend on cheating on my wife. I love this woman. Besides, my wife actually has some of her old boyfriends (people she actually slept with) as Facebook friends. Does this make me jealous? Not at all. We have a strong relationship and openly talk about everything. She even tells me when she finds another guy attractive. I'm not affected by this because I trust her - and vice versa.

 

As I've stated before, I'm the type of person who needs this type of release and to know the unknown. When did "ego" become attached to friendliness? How is this self-serving when the purpose is to communicate and find out a little more about someone else? When did talking with someone become such a taboo thing? I can admit that telling her that I HAD a crush on her back might not be the right thing to do, but I can also admit that I have NEVER EVER cheated on anyone that I have ever dated. Two people sharing the commonalities of a college experience is not wrong in anyway - especially considering the fact that we know several of the same people.

Posted

Whether it is out of line or not depends completely on what your wife thinks of it.

Posted

Yeah mail her BUT tell your wife you are doing so!

 

If you have nothing to hide then why hide it? Be open about it. I cant see what the problem is?

Posted

I always ask myself a simple question. Would I be cool if my wife did what I am about to do?

 

I would NOT be ok with my wife doing what you are about to do. No way.

 

 

 

 

Hello all, and thank you for reading my post. I'll try to be specific as possible and hopefully you can give me some advice.

 

I have now been married 6 months, and even though our marriage has been tough at times I still love my wife and she still loves me very much. Divorce isn't on the horizon and I sense a lot of great years ahead of us.

 

However, something came up recently which I feel compelled to act on.

 

Being a member of Facebook, I noticed that a Facebook friend of mine (she was closer with one of my friends and I just sort of knew her through him) became friends with a girl that I had this MASSIVE crush on in college about 10 years ago.

 

A little background information on me: I'm the type of guy who never hides his feelings. I feel stifled and worked up whenever I can't get something off my chest. It makes me feel good to release whatever I'm feeling - no matter the consequence.

 

What I'd like to do is tell this girl that I had a crush on her in college and just have general conversation with her just to see what she like. It is NOT my intention to cheat on my wife and do not plan on ever hooking up with this woman. This woman seems to be unmarried based on her profile and I don't see her with other guys in her photos.

 

Is my PM to her is out of line even if the intention is just be friendly and nothing more? I'd like hear how you women would deal with a random PM from a guy you don't know.

Posted
You jump to conclusions so quickly. What part of my post did you not understand? I don't intend on cheating on my wife. I love this woman. Besides, my wife actually has some of her old boyfriends (people she actually slept with) as Facebook friends. Does this make me jealous? Not at all. We have a strong relationship and openly talk about everything. She even tells me when she finds another guy attractive. I'm not affected by this because I trust her - and vice versa.

You obviously do not understand the possibilities of launching into something that has the potential to be an EA.

Emotional Affair. Nobody's jumping to conclusions.

Some even speak from the sharper end of unfortunate experience.

This is, after all a relationship forum....

 

As I've stated before, I'm the type of person who needs this type of release and to know the unknown. When did "ego" become attached to friendliness?

Because your ego wnts to know if (one) she remembers you, and (two) what if she feels the same way....?!

How is this self-serving when the purpose is to communicate and find out a little more about someone else? When did talking with someone become such a taboo thing? I can admit that telling her that I HAD a crush on her back might not be the right thing to do, but I can also admit that I have NEVER EVER cheated on anyone that I have ever dated. Two people sharing the commonalities of a college experience is not wrong in anyway - especially considering the fact that we know several of the same people.

 

Methinks the lady doth protest too much...:rolleyes::mad:

 

You asked for opinions, you got them.

Most are telling you that you're playing with fire, and the sure-fire way of NOT getting burned, is to tell your wife all about it - and ask her how she feels.

If for any reason - ANY reason - you hesitate to tell your wife, then you need to really ask yourself why this would be.....

Posted
Hello all, and thank you for reading my post. I'll try to be specific as possible and hopefully you can give me some advice.

 

I have now been married 6 months, and even though our marriage has been tough at times I still love my wife and she still loves me very much. Divorce isn't on the horizon and I sense a lot of great years ahead of us.

 

However, something came up recently which I feel compelled to act on.

 

Being a member of Facebook, I noticed that a Facebook friend of mine (she was closer with one of my friends and I just sort of knew her through him) became friends with a girl that I had this MASSIVE crush on in college about 10 years ago.

 

A little background information on me: I'm the type of guy who never hides his feelings. I feel stifled and worked up whenever I can't get something off my chest. It makes me feel good to release whatever I'm feeling - no matter the consequence.

 

What I'd like to do is tell this girl that I had a crush on her in college and just have general conversation with her just to see what she like. It is NOT my intention to cheat on my wife and do not plan on ever hooking up with this woman. This woman seems to be unmarried based on her profile and I don't see her with other guys in her photos.

 

Is my PM to her is out of line even if the intention is just be friendly and nothing more? I'd like hear how you women would deal with a random PM from a guy you don't know.

 

If I would get this type of email.. I wouldn't think too much of it.. it always depends what the email is saying though... but if you just want to know what's going on with her.. then yes.. email her..

 

If you have nothing to hide and you're OK with telling your wife.. then it's all good.. she does it.. then why can,t you... ;)

Posted (edited)
You jump to conclusions so quickly. What part of my post did you not understand? I don't intend on cheating on my wife. I love this woman. Besides, my wife actually has some of her old boyfriends (people she actually slept with) as Facebook friends. Does this make me jealous? Not at all. We have a strong relationship and openly talk about everything. She even tells me when she finds another guy attractive. I'm not affected by this because I trust her - and vice versa.

 

As I've stated before, I'm the type of person who needs this type of release and to know the unknown. When did "ego" become attached to friendliness? How is this self-serving when the purpose is to communicate and find out a little more about someone else? When did talking with someone become such a taboo thing? I can admit that telling her that I HAD a crush on her back might not be the right thing to do, but I can also admit that I have NEVER EVER cheated on anyone that I have ever dated. Two people sharing the commonalities of a college experience is not wrong in anyway - especially considering the fact that we know several of the same people.

 

It doesn't matter what people on the internet think, just go and ask your wife. If you don't want to because you don't think she will approve, don't do it. If she says she doesn't care, then you have nothing to worry about.

 

You have yourself a can of worms and a can opener. Be careful.

Edited by rdgunner
typo
Posted
I'm the type of guy who never hides his feelings....It makes me feel good to release whatever I'm feeling - no matter the consequence...

Given the above, I suggest you tell your wife that "divorce isn't [yet] on the horizon", and that you feel "compelled" to discuss your [former?] feelings of attraction with their [former?] object and "share" "commonalities".

 

I sense a lot of great years ahead of us [wife and me].
You know, those years won't just gently drop down in front of you like raindrops from heaven upon the place beneath. You have a big effect on whether those years happen at all, and if they do, whether they're great, mediocre or searingly painful.

 

Thanks for coming along to the 'Shack to ask for permission to start an EA. As you've seen, our answer is No, you may NOT. Good luck!

Posted

Glad that I'm not the only one who sees things a certain way..

 

You jump to conclusions so quickly. What part of my post did you not understand? I don't intend on cheating on my wife. I love this woman. Besides, my wife actually has some of her old boyfriends (people she actually slept with) as Facebook friends. Does this make me jealous? Not at all. We have a strong relationship and openly talk about everything. She even tells me when she finds another guy attractive. I'm not affected by this because I trust her - and vice versa.

 

I am only going on what you've told me. Chill out buddy!:)

 

The difference is, your wife is NOT crushing on anybody else! You ARE.

 

As I've stated before, I'm the type of person who needs this type of release and to know the unknown. When did "ego" become attached to friendliness? How is this self-serving when the purpose is to communicate and find out a little more about someone else? When did talking with someone become such a taboo thing? I can admit that telling her that I HAD a crush on her back might not be the right thing to do, but I can also admit that I have NEVER EVER cheated on anyone that I have ever dated. Two people sharing the commonalities of a college experience is not wrong in anyway - especially considering the fact that we know several of the same people.

Ever hear of boundries? Even more so since you're married! Not everyone WANTS to know that someone has the hots for them, or has a crush on them. WHAT is the point of telling someone you have a crush on them when it is going to lead to nowhere land? Seriously, maybe you do need to think about this. It IS about you and how YOU feel.

Posted

Just being honest, I think you hope something will happen.

 

Why put yourself in that position.

Posted

Mister, admit it ... you want to contact your ex as married life is a bit boring and you still fancy her ... if that was not the case you would just tell your wife and there would not be a problem

 

Pftttt ... people like you are the reason I never want to get married!

Posted (edited)

Your wife will want to know why you feel such a strong need to do this. If your wife asked you why, what would you tell her?

 

You do realize that no matter what you say or do, she is going to see it as a direct reflection on herself. How would you explain to her that it isn't, and how would you handle her inevitable sadness over your need to contact someone you had a crush on?

 

My exH did the same thing, and it was the beginning of the end for us. It was just prior to his ten year reunion, and he contacted this girl to tell her pretty much the same thing. It led to her reciprocating the emotion, and when he got back from the reunion, even as we met eyes when he got off the plane I knew our marriage was essentially over.

 

I don't think it was his intention to hook up with her, nor was it his intention to ask for that 'open marriage' (which basically just means it opens the door to divorce). But as soon as she returned those sentiments, it was game over.

 

Be careful. It is a slippery slope. I wish he had talked to me before and not after when it was too late. If you are seriously considering contacting her, perhaps your wife should know and know why. That might quell that desire to contact this woman that is eating you up inside.

Edited by LucreziaBorgia
Posted
Is my PM to her is out of line even if the intention is just be friendly and nothing more?

 

Ask your wife for her opinion. If you are as open and honest with her as you say, and you communicate about everything, and your intentions are so good, you should have no reason not to ask your wife what she thinks.

 

I'd like hear how you women would deal with a random PM from a guy you don't know.
Depends on my frame of mind at the time.

 

1. OMG, creepy stalker guy I never knew in college hunted me down on Facebook to let me know he's been crushing on me for 10 years...block block block private private private delete delete delete.

 

2. Who the f*ck is this guy? Does he send these random PM's to every woman on FB that he thinks is hot? And again, you'd be blocked and my profile would suddenly be private.

 

3. I'd look and see if you were someone I knew, and then I'd look and see which friend we had in common, and I'd wonder why you felt it necessary to contact me since we had never met. Curiousity might get the better of me, depending on how much I trusted the friend we have in common, and I'd ask the friend about you.

 

4. Completely ignore it and just delete it.

 

Under none of these scenarios would I reply with interest in getting to know you. I never reply to people I don't know on FB unless they are introduced by a friend for some reason.

Posted

That's the lamest attempt at rationalizing I've ever heard.LOL

Posted
Mister, admit it ... you want to contact your ex as married life is a bit boring and you still fancy her

 

I think you would be an idiot to tell your wife and to add more problems to an already fragile marriage.

 

Just don't do it. But I suspect you will, if you haven't already.

 

Chances are that this woman will just think you are a complete nut job and not want to communicate with you. I know I wouldn't. Be honest with yourself. She would have had to have been stupid not to have known you had this massive crush on her. You were likely the butt of many jokes between her and her friends. She didn't want you then so why would she want you now? Contacting her would be just plain creepy. Especially since her life has moved on and you are still holding a non reciprocal candle for her. Weird...just plain weird.

Posted

Oh look, quelle surprise! The OP hasn't been back for 3 days....

Maybe because he was expecting the boys to say:

 

"Yay!! You go buddy! Line em' up and shag 'em hard! The more the merrier! Find what you can and take what you're given! This is why we marry! One at home to pot-roast, the others to put jam on the toast! way to go!! wooo-Hoooo!!"

 

But they didn't.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:D

Posted

I doubt he's going to post back because he didn't like any of the replies. This guy is in total denial.. Anyway, I hope he comes back and rethinks things..Takes a look in the mirror so he can realize that telling someone from your past that you had a crush on them is one of the stupidest and biggest mistakes he could make. All it will do is open the door for reaction, and for this girl to say she feels the same way. And what then? Seems the original poster hasn't thought that far ahead - As it's ALL about HIM. Screw what his wife or this other girl might think.

Posted

But I don't think she is going to reciprocate. If they had been college sweethearts then I could see it. But this girl spent four years with this idiot running after like a puppy dog. She had to have known he had, as he put it, a MASSIVE crush on her. I'll bet you they didn't even have the same group of friends. He's an idiot. And a creepy little weirdo one at that!

Posted

Wow, I realize I'm late to the party, but how on earth would this be a good idea!!?! What good could ever possibly come of it? I wish the OP would come back and tell us what (if anything) happened just to appease my curiosity.

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