rdgunner Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I apologize if this gets to be a bit rambling, but I have never been to one of these sites before, however I really need some people opinions about my situation. I have been married for 9 years, and been with her for 13. We met in high school. To make a long story short, she cheated on me about a year into the relationship, and at the time, I (we) decided to try and move forward with everything. Now, this was in high school, so looking back it's a bit silly that I still even think about something that happened this long ago, but it was pretty devistating. One thing I had said at the time this all came out was that I would of course prefer that she not have any contact with this person, if it could be avoided. Again, this was school, so obviously she would run into him from time to time, but things like outside of school and whatnot. Everything has been great since then, we got married, had three children (8, 6 and 18 months), recently purchased a home. We've been through financial trouble, loss of family members and pretty much everything you can go through as a couple, and come out stronger if anything. About two months ago, I was helping her change around her myspace page, and notice she has him as a friend. I don't say anything, but the jerk in me comes out, and I go snooping. I know, I'm an ass, but that dark place I was in right after she told me about it came right back and I didn't know what else to do. I find a few messages, which she had tried to delete (not the most computer savvy person, which didn't help here) nothing too bad, there was an exchange of phone numbers, which is was caused me to confront her. This led to a big fight, which ended with us not talking for a few days, and she removed him from her friend list. So along we go for a few months, and she out of the blue says to me "Oh, I got a friend request (on Facebook this time) from him...". I'm absolutely floored. I don't really know what to do, so I kind of keep quiet. I'm not sure if she was baiting me into a fight, or just testing me, but either way I froze. We just had a huge fight about this, and right or wrong, she just dragged it back up. I went snooping (I'm bad, I know) again and found nothing but a few public comments left by her, which would have been nothing out of the ordinary if it were someone else's profile. A few days later she brings up something that he had posted, again I don't know what to do, so I don't say anything (mistake?). A day of me stewing about this goes by, and finally she asks me whats wrong, and I tell her. She gets upset, and tries to downplay everything. Her friend happened to be over, and asked what was going on. She told her, and her friend agreed that it's not ok to have him in her life at all considering what happened. After that my wife apologizes for not considering my feelings, and all is well. She says she will remove him from the friend list. Now, obviously there is something there. I'm not an idiot, if there was a female friend from my past that she didn't like, I wouldn't have them as a friend on some website, especially after we had a fight about it. I asked her if deleting him would be a problem, and she hesitiated and said, "well it's going to look wierd if all of a sudden I just remove someone, but he's not worth this, I need to stop worrying about what other people think". Later that night, right before bed, she says "I need your help, I don't know how to remove people" Which is a lie, she knows more about facebook than I do at this point, and has removed people before. Ok, I thought, maybe she just wants me there to 'prove' to me it's done. No big deal. That night she apologized again, but did say "This was 13 years ago, I was in high school, you need to get over it", which I thought was a bit of a slap in the face, its not like I keep bringing it up, but it feels like it's getting put in my face. That was three days ago, and as of this morning, he's still there. I'm really having trouble dealing with this again, I would love to just not care but its not that easy, and I hate to throw out ultimatums like "either him or me" but I feel like its headed there. Here's my questions - Am I right in asking her to not have contact with him? I have no problem with her other male friends. Should I bring deleting him up to her, if so, how? Does it sound like I'm missing something, and there is more to this whole thing? How do I go about dealing with this all over again? I don't want to come off as bitter when talking about these things, and nobody wants all this to go away more than me, but it has to be dealt with for my own sanity.. Thanks for any advice, and sorry for such a long post!
Author rdgunner Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 An update of sorts.. He has been removed.. Now I just hope she did it for the right reasons, and not to avoid conflict. EDIT: She removed him without me bringing it up again.
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