cdt76 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 So last night was the first night I dreamed about my ex. We were in a relationship for 8 months, she moved in with me, I showed her my life, introduced her to friends and she went and started a relationship with a co-worker of mine. Left me completely broken hearted because I felt she was the ONE. I'm 38, she is 31. I fell head over heals. So it's 3 months since she left me. NC since Sept 3 or so, though I see the A-hole co-worker every other day or so. Last night was the first time I've had another woman in my bed who actually likes me. We did not have sex and just fell asleep in that uncomfortable place between tired and aroused. I slept great until about 2 a.m when I awoke in an all out sweat from a dream about my ex, co-worker, and friends. Basically I was beating everyone up just to get to talk to the ex. A lot has happened in my life since she left. I got offered a promotion but in Washington DC but I have 2 little kids from a previous marriage, of whom I have half custody. So my question is this: My subconscious (and conscious) is obviously not over the ex. How do we make rational decisions in times of emotional turmoil and is it fair to this new girl to start something? Deep I know.
Calendula Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 If you really like the new woman you're with, I would suggest opening up to her and letting her know where you are at emotionally. If she is the one for you she will understand and help you through it. She may have similar things she is dealing with, so why not talk about it and decide together if it is fair to both of you or not. If you two get serious, eventually you will have to face the past, anyhow, so why not lay it on the table for discussion sooner rather than later. This way you can perhaps avoid a bit of delayed emotional turmoil if you get attached and then she ends up not being supportive in the way that you need. So I would suggest taking some time to seriously think about where you are at emotionally and then discuss this with her. If you are seriously thinking about letting her be a part of your life, let her have a say in your decision.
Author cdt76 Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 I don't even know if this is someone I'm going to have around for very long. Honestly because I don't have the same feelings in my stomach as I did for the ex when I first met her. Fact is, I've never felt like that towards anyone I've ever met before so is every other woman going to be compared to and not live up to the ex's standard (the standard I had for her anyway)? What a mess. This sucks!
Calendula Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I think I know what you mean about not having the same feeling for someone. It sounds like you still need some time, and that perhaps the woman you are with now is rebound. If you think this may be the case, perhaps you could discuss this with her instead. A rebound relationship is sometimes part of the healing process, something to fill some of the hole created by the person who left, until you can find the strength to put yourself back together again for you. From what you wrote, it sounds like you still have a lot of accepting of the past to do before you can let go and move on. If you are worried about being fair to her, you could at least let her know that she may just be rebound so she doesn't lay her emotions totally on the line for you and end up getting hurt herself. Then the two of you at least know where you stand and it would be one less thing for you to worry about. In the mean time you could both perhaps benefit from the contact and companionship (with or without the sex) which could help you with the process of healing. Do you have any idea what she has been through, your new woman that is? You may end up with a close friend out of her even if she isn't your next long term partner. I guess my main point is this: talk to her, see what she says, take it slow, and make sure you two lay down boundaries and rules for what you are willing for your relationship to become early on. Figure out what you want and tell her with as much detail as you can. If I was in her position, I know I would appreciate the communication and any attempts you made to open up. A good relationship takes two people communicating; you don't have to make the decision about what to do alone. She took a risk, and gave you her trust, by ending up in your bed last night, now it is your turn to take a risk and trust her with what you are thinking.
Author cdt76 Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 I have been open and honest with the new girl, especially about the moving part. Come December first I leave for 3 months for a trial period in the new job. She knows this. As for the relationship part, she knows how badly it tore me up because I told her I was on medication and suffering from depression. So, I have been honest with her. She is still around and she likes me. Her situation is up in the air as well, so I think we might both be a rebound for each other. I was hoping not to have a rebound at all. I don't like the term and I don't like the negative conotations that come with it. I am definitely not over the ex. I'm not over how a close friend and co-worker could betray me like this. The 3 month detail to DC is a good way to get out of this office and clear my head but then I think and feel like I'm running away. The promotion is a great opportunity career-wise. But leaving my kids behind is something that I am not sure I can do. This is all just a little too stressful. I think Monks have the right idea.
Calendula Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 While the term may not be terribly appealing, I truly think that positive things can come from rebound relationships. Think of it as a time for healing with someone by your side who just accepts it all and doesn't expect anything from you but what you are currently able to give. Sure you may not know her as well as you might like to, she may not be your next long term partner, and you still have your issues to deal with on your own, but it is ok to lean on someone else for a period of time, even if only for just the physical comfort of having someone around. No matter how strong we all think we are, we still need support and acceptance from others at certain points in our lives. If you both recognize your relationship as a rebound, then you are already on the right track towards acceptance and healing. If you have been open and honest with her, and she still likes you fine as you are and accepts your upcoming move, then I would say enjoy it while it lasts. Don't worry about negitives and just let it be what it is - two adults finding comfort and healing in each other's company (this is what it seems like from my perspective, anyway, based on what you've typed). IF she knows what is going on with you, and she is still making the choice to spend time with you, than just accept it and appreciate it - don't worry about if it is fair to her or not. She will let you know if she isn't getting what she needs (I would hope), by either telling you or ending the relationship on good terms. I read a few of your other posts from the past month or so, and I think I got a decent picture of what you've been dealing with, especially the anger and the hurt. It seems like you really do need a change and a new beginning. You'll find a way to be with your kids. If you believe this, that you will find a way, then you will be able to, if only based on the strength of your conviction and your love for them. Things WILL work out for you. Believe this, and it will happen. I wouldn't think that you are running away by moving to a new job for 3 months. I would view it instead as you finding a way to move on and leave the past behind you. No matter where you go, your past experiences will always be with you, but starting over physically, in a new place, can sometimes help you come to terms with those past experiences and accept them as simply things that happened in the past which can't be changed. A new job in a new place would give you something to look forward to, new experiences to occupy your mind, while you continue to try and find ways of leaving the past in the past and not dwelling on it. By spending time with your new woman, you are starting over emotionally, even if on a tentative level, and the new job would be a way of starting over mentally with a new focus for your life and your time and energy. The longer you dwell on the events of the past and the anger and hurt those events have caused you, the longer you will be allowing people who you despise to influence your feelings and your future. You've wasted so much energy already on them, why continue further? So what are your current primary sources of stress, and what ways can you come up with for relieving some of that stress? What could you have an affect on, or positively do something about, that could make things better for you or easier in the next few months? List them out, brainstorm for ideas, see what you come up with, and try to focus on positive things that you can actually influence. If you want to do it here, I can try and give you feedback...
Author cdt76 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 Right now my stresses come from seeing the co-worker regularly and knowing he is still in a relationship with her. Knowing other co-workers knew about it and didn't tell me and they still act like it's ok to talk to me. The other stress in my life is thinking about leaving my kids and how it will effect them and their lives over the next several years. I love them to death even though i'm not a very good father. I try. I've tried a lot harder over the last couple of months for them and they have been the best distraction anyone could ask for. As for dealing with the stress, I took up boxing. I spar once a week, so I actually get to hit and hurt another human and it's totally legal. I'm actually going to fight in a charity police v Firemen event the day before Thanksgiving and tonight I spar with one of them to be matched for the event. It has helped a lot. I'm in great shape physically and still working on the mental part. My ex-wife is very considerate of the dilemma I am in. She is willing to work with me on the schedule with the kids. If I move. The other stressor I have is whether or not I could even sell my house. The market in my area sucks and the rehab work I did may have priced myself out of the market. I put a lot of pressure on myself because I thought I found the perfect woman for me. I will always compare the next to her. The one I have found now is very nice. And you are right, we are both in it for the right reasons and the truth is/was easy to tell because I didn't care at the time if I hurt or anyone else did either, but the truth was the truth and I wasn't going to hide it. She is helping me cope in a way, I didn't think I needed help. And that is to be next to someone and yet not have the intense love feelings flowing through me like I used to. That issue was probably what caused the dream in the first place. I love where I am, in my career, but there is this promotion that takes me to a place I can't reach here. The anger comes and goes now. I will never forgive or build a bridge back to the co-worker/friend. He ruined that and for it, he is not a person I would ever associate again. Unfortunately, with that comes a lack of trust with other co-workers that I am trying to work through on a daily basis. I might be forever scarred in that areas as well, even if I moved to a new city with new co-workers. I have a weeks vacation coming up next week to Florida. I'm looking forward to it. Getting away and thinking about nothing. I thank you for your help. I thank you and all the people on this site because going through this, has been the 2nd most terrible thing to ever have happened to me. Hopefully the last too. I haven't made a decision on whether I'm going to accep the job. I just don't know.
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