My boyfriend thinks I am beautiful but is no longer sexually attracted to me

[FeelingBlue]

We have been together for 6 years, living together for 4. We bought a house together and just got a puppy. I love him to death and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We are both extremely good looking people (ex models), and our looks haven't changed since we met. But for some reason, our sex life is almost non-existent. I thought that I was lacking in hormones but with the help of a therapist I have realized it is more psychological. Through out our relationship I have been the one to do the special things to spice things up but I have come to resent the fact that he doesn't try. I brought this up to him in a letter yesterday and today after he had time to think it over broke some very hurtful news to me. He told me that while he loves me a great deal, and thinks we're a good team, he just doesn't find me sexually attractive and therefor doesn't have the desire to have sex with me. He's been keeping these feelings bottled up for a long time. I know that relationships go through different stages, but is it possible to regain this attraction or are we doomed?

[A O]

But for some reason, our sex life is almost non-existent. I thought that I was lacking in hormones but with the help of a therapist I have realized it is more psychological.

Did your sexual appetite lessen? If not, then he maybe playing away.

 

I know that relationships go through different stages, but is it possible to regain this attraction or are we doomed?

If both of you want it (and you're sure that he's not playing away) then yes its possible. I suggest marriage counseling. If he's not interested though, then I think that tells you everything.

 

.

[Sam Spade]

What the hell? His wife is a model and he's not interested??? Hello, urgent medical/counselling attention!

 

I've been i a long relationship before (5 years), and while sex always taprs off, it was always a functino of me being lazy and comfortable, rather than lack of attraction. You can figure out whatever is the problem, but both need to participate.

[FeelingBlue]

Did your sexual appetite lessen? If not, then he maybe playing away.

 

We talked some more this afternoon and he really let go emotionally. It was the first time I have ever seen him cry (really sob). He told me that he doesn't know if he can remain faithful to me. With a little prodding on my behalf he came clean and told me that he has cheated on me a few times while away on business. He said he didn't care about them, that it was just because it was someone new. He said they weren't even particularly attractive. I was so numb by this point from all of the crying I've been doing and the lack of sleep that I hardly had a reaction. I guess part of me figured it had happened or was bound to happen since he is a man and our sex life is almost non-existent. I think that because he told me about it and was extremely ashamed and hurting because of it and also because I am able to distinguish between love and sex, it really hasn't changed my feelings for him. We have actually had a 3some with another woman before, so I saw him having sex with her and it didn't bother me. I was hoping that because I was willing to do that (for myself as well), that it would prevent him from doing it behind my back. I guess it's not the same.

We tossed around the idea of an open relationship. If anyone has any experience with that or knows anyone who does I'd really like to hear about it.

We are going to see my therapist this week together. I hope he has some positive things to say. I can't imagine my life without my boyfriend and I know he wants it to work too he just can't see right now how it can.

[torranceshipman]

Oh God, this is awful, I feel horrible for you. He cheats multiple times, and all you do is say that you are ok with it?-and that he has your blessing to have sex with whoever he likes in future, AND stay with you, just so you stand a chance of keeping him? I know you are heartbroken and I am so sorry to hear that, but you are being a complete doormat to try and keep a guy who has already emotionally checked out. Don't lower yourself like this. Btw whose idea was the threesome, was it his? Or yours, in an attempt to try to get him feeling some form of excitement (i.e. via letting him have sex with nother girl)?

 

He is feeling something that is normal and natural (i.e. loss of attraction) - don't drag all of this out through therapy, as if he needs something fixed-he doesn't. I am sure he is kind of heatbroken over this too, as he loves you, and probably really wishes things could be different so he wouldn't have to hurt you...it's sad when things end, but it's ended...you deserve someone who thinks you ar the sexist, most desirable, fulfilling girl in the world, and you will find him in the future as long as you don't waste years trying to hold on to the wrong man.

[A O]

He told me that he doesn't know if he can remain faithful to me.

That's fairly obvious, nonetheless, I'd love to know why. Do you know what caused him to stray? If you don't know, your therapist will soon find out. The answer will go a long way in telling you whether this can be worked through.

 

He said he didn't care about them, that it was just because it was someone new. He said they weren't even particularly attractive.

That's just a line that cheaters love to use - dismiss it. You want someone that cares for you, these are not the actions of a caring person.

 

I was so numb by this point from all of the crying I've been doing and the lack of sleep that I hardly had a reaction.

Terrible, simply terrible, I feel for you

 

I think that because he told me about it and was extremely ashamed and hurting because of it

He wouldn't have told you if you hadn't have asked, he'd still be on his merry way. Think about that.

 

We are going to see my therapist this week together. I hope he has some positive things to say. I can't imagine my life without my boyfriend and I know he wants it to work too he just can't see right now how it can.

Good luck, I don't fancy your chances, and I can't say that that's necessarily a bad thing in this instance. You deserve better than this.

 

.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

This thread is supposed to assure everyone that we don't all want or need to be models, or "model types".

 

With all of the attention heaped onto them by the rest of the world, they can get attention at any point, and for their always having that attention at their fingertips, they really don't have to cultivate any depth to their personalities (of the sort which would be oh so helpful right about now, when they are in desperate need of communication).

 

 

 

They sure have some great genetics though.

[DanielMadr]

He stated it quite rude for someone who loves you.

 

He maybe does not love you anymore unless he cuddles and kisses you frequently. If that is the case and only the penetration is an issue I would say he has some problems with his tool like performance anxiety or erectile dysfunction.

 

Or he just doesnt find you sexually attractive-doesnt love you. It happens when you look on the same body for 6 years. And dont tell me you havent changed a bit. Probably his love was not strong enough to get over a not so firm breasts now.

 

Or he is gay. Models tend to be.

 

btw I know lot of female models who are not sexually attractive....they look like 16yo boys....designers are mostly gay and simply prefer women who look boyish.

[DanielMadr]

Did your sexual appetite lessen? If not, then he maybe playing away.

 

We talked some more this afternoon and he really let go emotionally. It was the first time I have ever seen him cry (really sob). He told me that he doesn't know if he can remain faithful to me. With a little prodding on my behalf he came clean and told me that he has cheated on me a few times while away on business. He said he didn't care about them, that it was just because it was someone new. He said they weren't even particularly attractive. I was so numb by this point from all of the crying I've been doing and the lack of sleep that I hardly had a reaction. I guess part of me figured it had happened or was bound to happen since he is a man and our sex life is almost non-existent. I think that because he told me about it and was extremely ashamed and hurting because of it and also because I am able to distinguish between love and sex, it really hasn't changed my feelings for him. We have actually had a 3some with another woman before, so I saw him having sex with her and it didn't bother me. I was hoping that because I was willing to do that (for myself as well), that it would prevent him from doing it behind my back. I guess it's not the same.

We tossed around the idea of an open relationship. If anyone has any experience with that or knows anyone who does I'd really like to hear about it.

We are going to see my therapist this week together. I hope he has some positive things to say. I can't imagine my life without my boyfriend and I know he wants it to work too he just can't see right now how it can.

 

Im sorry to hear that. I suggest to cut down the humiliation and kick him out.

Decent man does not cheat and if he does he lies and lies and lies. And he lies more when he still has feelings for his SO.

 

Kick him out, that sobbing SOB.

[ADF]

We have been together for 6 years, living together for 4. We bought a house together and just got a puppy. I love him to death and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We are both extremely good looking people (ex models), and our looks haven't changed since we met. But for some reason, our sex life is almost non-existent. I thought that I was lacking in hormones but with the help of a therapist I have realized it is more psychological. Through out our relationship I have been the one to do the special things to spice things up but I have come to resent the fact that he doesn't try. I brought this up to him in a letter yesterday and today after he had time to think it over broke some very hurtful news to me. He told me that while he loves me a great deal, and thinks we're a good team, he just doesn't find me sexually attractive and therefor doesn't have the desire to have sex with me. He's been keeping these feelings bottled up for a long time. I know that relationships go through different stages, but is it possible to regain this attraction or are we doomed?

 

It sounds to me like your BF is trying to get out of the relationship.

[FeelingBlue]

It sounds to me like your BF is trying to get out of the relationship.

 

He is a strong man, if he really didn't want to be with me, he would have the strength to leave. He told me that if it wasn't for the fact that he truly loves me and loves being with me (in a non-sexual way) that it would have been an easy choice to leave. But that's not the case. I know he loves me because he is very affectionate with me still.

As the numbness is wearing off and the reality of the situation is kicking in, I really don't know what is going to happen. I really don't want to lose him but I'm not sure if I will be able to deal with everything. I am not going to make any decisions until after we speak with my therapist.

What makes this situation even more difficult is for one thing, we have a 6 month old puppy who neither of us would be able to handle on our own right now. And secondly, in the last couple of years I have lost my 2 best friends. My boyfriend is really the only friend I have left that I can count on for support when I need it. The only family I have lives in Edmonton while I live in Toronto. If we were to break up, I would have nothing left to keep me in Toronto except for a career in the fashion industry that I am striving for. If I moved to Edmonton, work-wise, there would be nothing there for me in my industry and I would end up having to do something that would be unfulfilling.

I know that sounds like the wrong reasons to stay, but the real reason I want to stay is because aside from the issues I have discussed here, he is truly a wonderful man and has all of the qualities I want. I was single for many years before I met him. I had lots of dates but no guy ever measured up to what I wanted until I met him. It would be really hard to give all of that up. He is extremely intelligent, very funny, super nice, generous, caring, supportive, athletic, loves the outdoors and animals, close with his family, wants to make a difference in this world, hard worker, very handy and very good looking. An extremely well rounded person, which is so hard to find.

[TaraMaiden]

He is a strong man, if he really didn't want to be with me, he would have the strength to leave.

 

Bull$h1t. If he were a strong man, he would never have cheated in the first place. he might seem handsome strong and virile to you, but trust me, he doesn't come across that way. A cheater is not strong. No way.

 

He told me that if it wasn't for the fact that he truly loves me and loves being with me (in a non-sexual way) that it would have been an easy choice to leave. But that's not the case. I know he loves me because he is very affectionate with me still.

More bull. he's spineless and has his bread buttered on both sides. sex with whomever he wants, when he wants it, and a beautiful woman on his arm, who would do anything for him, when he doesn't.....

 

 

As the numbness is wearing off and the reality of the situation is kicking in, I really don't know what is going to happen. I really don't want to lose him but I'm not sure if I will be able to deal with everything. I am not going to make any decisions until after we speak with my therapist.

Well, he did. He made the decision - on more than one occasion - to put his dick inside other women. So I guess you could be forgiven for making the equally rash decision of kicking him out.... but hey, you won't do that, will you....?

 

 

What makes this situation even more difficult is for one thing, we have a 6 month old puppy who neither of us would be able to handle on our own right now. And secondly, in the last couple of years I have lost my 2 best friends. My boyfriend is really the only friend I have left that I can count on for support when I need it.

 

Then it's not love. It's need. I think you're dependent on him for lacking affection, but I think it's a misplaced love....

 

The only family I have lives in Edmonton while I live in Toronto. If we were to break up, I would have nothing left to keep me in Toronto except for a career in the fashion industry that I am striving for.

That's a great, independent, free-moving and emancipated reason....

 

If I moved to Edmonton, work-wise, there would be nothing there for me in my industry and I would end up having to do something that would be unfulfilling.

So....? Stay here then....

 

I know that sounds like the wrong reasons to stay, but the real reason I want to stay is because aside from the issues I have discussed here, he is truly a wonderful man and has all of the qualities I want.

No, he doesn't. he has no consideration for your physical needs, and he's selfish and thoughtless. he's screwed around and is a cheating liar.

 

I was single for many years before I met him. I had lots of dates but no guy ever measured up to what I wanted until I met him.

He still doesn't measure up if he's a platonic celibate room-mate, does he???

 

It would be really hard to give all of that up. He is extremely intelligent, very funny, super nice, generous, caring, supportive, athletic, loves the outdoors and animals, close with his family, wants to make a difference in this world, hard worker, very handy and very good looking. An extremely well rounded person, which is so hard to find.

Look. I do understand how you feel. believe me, I do.

I have been in your situation.

Difference being that my guy would rather have slit both his wrists than sleep with anyone else while he was with me.....

 

The fact is, and the fact remains, that he was willing to betray you and he did so, more than once.

He Cheated, and again, and again.

All thought about, all choices, all decisions.

The fact that he sobbed his heart out was because he had to come clean and had the truth wheedled out of him. Not because he showed remorse and had to confess.

That makes him a hypocrite.

If he wants to make a difference in this world, he could do to start small and work on himself, first.

And I'm afraid you need a reality check.

[A O]

He is a strong man, if he really didn't want to be with me, he would have the strength to leave.

Strong men don't cheat, they have the strength of character to walk away from temptation.

 

He told me that if it wasn't for the fact that he truly loves me and loves being with me (in a non-sexual way) that it would have been an easy choice to leave.

Truly loving people do not hurt the one's they supposedly love.

 

What makes this situation even more difficult is for one thing, we have a 6 month old puppy who neither of us would be able to handle on our own right now.

That's an excuse.

 

And secondly, in the last couple of years I have lost my 2 best friends.

And yet he still cheats. Yeah, he's an ever-loving guy alright.

 

My boyfriend is really the only friend I have left that I can count on for support when I need it.

He ain't no friend

 

If we were to break up, I would have nothing left to keep me in Toronto except for a career in the fashion industry that I am striving for.

More excuses

 

If I moved to Edmonton, work-wise, there would be nothing there for me in my industry and I would end up having to do something that would be unfulfilling.

You're really trying hard to rationalize, to justify his behavior. That's sad. Expect to be 'feeling blue' for a long, long time.

 

I know that sounds like the wrong reasons to stay, but the real reason I want to stay is because aside from the issues I have discussed here, he is truly a wonderful man and has all of the qualities I want.

There's no shortage of wonderful men out there who do not stray, who will not hurt you, who will love you, who will be truly, your best friend.

 

They're out there - waiting for you.

 

It would be really hard to give all of that up. He is extremely intelligent, very funny, super nice, generous, caring, supportive, athletic, loves the outdoors and animals, close with his family, wants to make a difference in this world, hard worker, very handy and very good looking. An extremely well rounded person, which is so hard to find.

Looks and personality should always play second fiddle to behavior - to how a person treats you.

 

.

[harmfulsweetz]

He is a strong man, if he really didn't want to be with me, he would have the strength to leave. He told me that if it wasn't for the fact that he truly loves me and loves being with me (in a non-sexual way) that it would have been an easy choice to leave. But that's not the case. I know he loves me because he is very affectionate with me still.

As the numbness is wearing off and the reality of the situation is kicking in, I really don't know what is going to happen. I really don't want to lose him but I'm not sure if I will be able to deal with everything. I am not going to make any decisions until after we speak with my therapist.

What makes this situation even more difficult is for one thing, we have a 6 month old puppy who neither of us would be able to handle on our own right now. And secondly, in the last couple of years I have lost my 2 best friends. My boyfriend is really the only friend I have left that I can count on for support when I need it. The only family I have lives in Edmonton while I live in Toronto. If we were to break up, I would have nothing left to keep me in Toronto except for a career in the fashion industry that I am striving for. If I moved to Edmonton, work-wise, there would be nothing there for me in my industry and I would end up having to do something that would be unfulfilling.

I know that sounds like the wrong reasons to stay, but the real reason I want to stay is because aside from the issues I have discussed here, he is truly a wonderful man and has all of the qualities I want. I was single for many years before I met him. I had lots of dates but no guy ever measured up to what I wanted until I met him. It would be really hard to give all of that up. He is extremely intelligent, very funny, super nice, generous, caring, supportive, athletic, loves the outdoors and animals, close with his family, wants to make a difference in this world, hard worker, very handy and very good looking. An extremely well rounded person, which is so hard to find.

So he's putting his cheating a$$ on you? Oh I'm not attracted anymore, so I'll cheat, that ok with you? He's giving all of that up. Don't you want to be with someone that wants you as bad as you want them? Who won't cheat? Who you won't have to have a threesome with to keep them from doing it behind your back?

 

Sorry sweetie, but he's a cheat and he's making you feel bad for it. I don't doubt he feels terrible, but when it's gone, it's gone. if he wanted to save it, and get it back, he shouldn't have cheated. What would you say to a friend going through this? Think about it. Be honest. Would you say go to therapy? Or would you say dump his cheating a$$? If you're honest, it's the latter. And that's what you need to do. He's not going to change, he doesn't fancy you. When you don't fancy your partner no more, cheating happens. Not all of the time, but most. Think about it-if he cared for the R, he wouldn't have cheated. He cheated because you'll let him get away with it.

 

Maybe he does love you, but he's not in love with you. That's a big dividing line right there. Being in love with your partner is crucial to a successful relationship. Otherwise, you love them like a friend, a brother, a sister, they aren't bringing anything unique to your life. Leave please. Take the puppy and go! Puppies grow out of their naughtiness! But this won't grow into more, and won't get better love.

 

I get where he's coming from, I've been there, lost the spark, I didn't cheat though. He's being awfully selfish staying with you, despite knowing how he feels.

[FeelingBlue]

He's being awfully selfish staying with you, despite knowing how he feels.

 

I think he is staying with because he loves me (maybe not "in love"), because he cares about me and because he feels sorry for me. He knows I have been abandoned by a lot of people in my life and I don't have many left. He doesn't want to do the same thing to me. A nice gesture but not a good reason to stay, I suppose.

[TaraMaiden]

The reason he's staying with you, is because he - like the people in your History - has cr@pped on you, and feels guilty for it.

 

This in no way excuses his behaviour, or lets him off the hook (of my previous post) in any way at all.

But what, on the other hand, are you doing that leaves you vulnerable to this cycle of people doing things like this to you?

 

You need to up your self-esteem, my dear.

You do not need to put up with this.

There is nothing forcing you, or obliging you to put up with this.

The only thing compelling you to defend him is your fear of losing him.

 

Trust me - if he was my BF?

He'd be without his pair by now.

[Malenfant]

Looks and personality should always play second fiddle to behavior - to how a person treats you.

 

 

that is 100% bang to rights spot on correct.

 

also, he's not your BF, he's like a brother, or a best friend. the dynamic is way off for a successful intimate relationship.

[harmfulsweetz]

He's doing it to be selfish as well, he doesn't want to let you go. When really, he should. As long as you stay in an R like this, you are in limbo. Stuck with a guy who cheats, who isn't in love with you (why else would you get into an R with someone?). Loving you like a friend is in no way compensation for not being in love with you. While you are with him, you could be missing out on someone who is in love with you, who wouldn't cheat and who wouldn't put it on you.

 

He's being incredibly unfair to you by staying. I'm sorry you've been abandoned,but he is going to do it sooner or later, love. I really feel for your situation, because it's a lose-lose on your part. If he had wanted to get the 'spark' back, he would have stayed with you, and worked it out. Not gone off and cheated. Actions speak louder than words. He gave up his right to work it out when he entered the bedroom with another woman. I just don't want you to turn around in 2 weeks, 2 months, five months whatever it is-and find him walking out on you. You want to do the walking. Seriously. He will walk, it's just a matter of time. He'll either walk, or he'll continue to cheat.

 

It's about what you want to do with your life, and how long are you prepared to stay in a loveless relationship. It may not seem it now-but there are so many better men out there, who'll give you the world. It's an end of a bad R, time to look to fresh beginnings. It's up to you-stay in this, continue to hurt and worry and not trust him (because you can't) or leave it, work on you for a bit, (you will move on) and find someone new and better.