Dilemma

[A O]

First of all u ignorant nothing, IO CLEARLY STATE THAT I MARRIED B/C I HAD A SICK CHILD

You did not mention this in your opening post. The closest you got was telling us that you got married simply because you got pregnant.

 

The opening post sets the tone for the thread. Your number one concern centred around the man you're having an affair with, and what could be done to get him to express his feelings more. The vast bulk of your OP centred around this man and the enjoyment he gives you. This is your issue, not your child.

 

And so what. Yes i cheated yes im a bad person

Not interested in judging you this way, am interested in the welfare of your husband though.

 

I am looking for advice, maybe some assistance with this, maybe some guidance and u have done nothing but be a complete ass.

You're looking for people to validate your behavior (obviously you've found a few) I'm attempting to do what you're failing to do....look after the interests of your husband.

 

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[crazy_grl]

sky, I personally think that being in a relationship with the same person since you were a teenager tends to stunt a person's emotional growth. So, while some of what you say does seem immature, I don't think it's without a valid cause. You haven't had the relationship experience that a other people have.

 

I think you should break it off with OM and, as I hope you're still going to do, talk to a good therapist. After talking to the therapist, if you decide it's best to divorce your husband, do so. Then stay single for awhile. Don't get immediately involved with OM again. He may be what you think you need right now, but once you've worked out some issues in therapy, you may see that he's not right for you either. (Or maybe you'll still think he is. If that's the case, you can always get back together with him. If he loves you, he'll understand you wanting to take time to sort things out.)

[road]

itswd

 

"I am looking for advice, maybe some assistance with this, maybe some guidance and u have done nothing but be a complete ass. Shut the **** up and stop posting "

 

You are not looking for advice.

 

You are only looking to be told what you want to do is the right thing.

 

You are looking to justify your affair.

 

You are looking for ways to not be honest and continue lying.

 

You have gotten the best advice. Because it is not what you what to do you refuse to follow it.

 

One more time. This affair is not just about you because you are not the only one involved.

 

You need to dump the OM, now.

 

You need to tell the OMW, now.

 

You need to tell your BH, now.

 

Why should you get to divorce BH?

 

Doesn't BH deserve to file for himself?

 

Why do you continue be a cheater, sneak, and, a liar?

 

Before you start to bee-itch about "being judged" you cheated on your BH, you snuck around behind BH's back, you told lies and refuse to be honest with all the betrayed parties now.

 

These are your actions. No one forced you to do these things. Your continued actions only confirm the titles you have earned.

 

These titles were not given to you, your actions earned them.

 

Only the new actions that you refuse to do can rid you of these names.

[intheskywithdiamonds]

You did not mention this in your opening post. The closest you got was telling us that you got married simply because you got pregnant.

 

The opening post sets the tone for the thread. Your number one concern centred around the man you're having an affair with, and what could be done to get him to express his feelings more. The vast bulk of your OP centred around this man and the enjoyment he gives you. This is your issue, not your child.

 

Not interested in judging you this way, am interested in the welfare of your husband though.

 

You're looking for people to validate your behavior (obviously you've found a few) I'm attempting to do what you're failing to do....look after the interests of your husband.

 

.

 

I did not say at no time that was in my opening post, but to feed into your heartless body, I never mentioned her because I did not feel at the time it was necessary. This is a forum not a medical center where I need to run down my entire life history, especially to an ******* like u. My child should not BE the center of this. And if I ask for advice about the OM should not concern you. My husband is not the best person in the world. I have gottne stuck in a marriage where i am alone. I have to spend 9 months out of the year by myself b/c my husb feels that money is better than anything, and takes every contract overseas he can get. Where is my need, where is my affection. When he actually is home, he just wants to spend the money he made, and travel with his buddies. And before you open your fat hole in your face, this has been for the past 8 years, not since I have been having an affair, so the two do not have any interest.

[harmfulsweetz]

Everyone calm down.

 

OP, everyone here feels (I don't doubt) incredibly sorry for your loss. I am sorry for it, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I think you should seek grief counselling for it.

 

However, I fully agree with A O and Road on this. It isn't fair to keep this from anyone involved. You came on here for advice, you've been given it. No one on here is going to tell you what you are doing is right, or allow you to justify it. It's unjustifiable IME. I understand (or I can try to) the impact losing your child has on you, but think about it like this. How would you feel if your H was the one cheating on you? After all you've been through together, he cheats on you and causes you more heartbreak. Think about him instead of you.

 

You don't seem awfully bothered by what you are subjecting your H to, and that to me, after all you've been through together, is rather callous and unfeeling. And selfish. And this level of selfishness is bad. Very bad.

 

Tell him and let him file for divorce. It's clearly what you want, so do it.

 

No offence intended, I'm offering advice as is everyone else. Sometimes tough love is the best love you'll get. Cruel to be kind and all that jazz.

[road]

itswd

 

"this has been for the past 8 years, not since I have been having an affair, so the two do not have any interest. "

 

Again with the attempts at justifying your banging the OM.

 

Being a bad husband or wife does not allow one to be cheated on.

 

Being unhappy gives a spouse the right to demand MC, IC for both, work on improving the marriage. If things are that bad, and can not be improved, then one is justified to file for a divorce.

 

No where does spouse have the right to bang an OP.

 

Maybe you did not go to school on the day "two wrongs do not make a right".

 

Did BH hold a gun to your head so you would let the OM have a good time with you?

 

Did anyone coerce you to bang the OM?

 

You need to tell the OMW and your BH.

 

Time to start doing what is right.

[crazy_grl]

To those of you basing sky, I agree with your position, but (no offense) I just don't agree with the way you're voicing it. I don't think you're going to convince anyone of the error of their ways by belittling them and making them feel bad about themselves.

 

That kind of attitude is more likely to make a person cling to their ways out of defiance/spite. Of course what she's doing is not right, but she needs to get some therapy so that she can come to that conclusion for herself.

[Lish]

Devil: I do love my husband but Im not in love with him. The OM is his friend, and his wife is mine. We r a group. My husb and I I think have been holding on b/c we had a daughter who died at 2 yrs old from heart disease. We were in the military and spent 18 months of her 2 years in hospitals and in ICU. We wrote bad checks togehter for her, and took high balance credit cards for her. We also filed bankruptcy to stay out of jail cause of this. We had it rough and been through the mill cause of it. I have that problem of not being able to break his heart, only cause of what we share. Not many ppl have gone through this and we are each others support. If this makes any sense.

 

I am sorry for your loss. I really am. HOWEVER, that is where my sympathy ends.

Not only do you not have the balls to confront your husband about your betrayal, you are also sleeping with his friend?

 

I honestly don't care what excuses you try to come up with here (your husband being quite bad in bed or whatever else). You have broken your marriage vows and not only that, were instrumental in his friend also betraying him.

I feel sorry for the guy, he really landed on his ass when he met you.

 

Tell him and let him get on with his life.

[A O]

That kind of attitude is more likely to make a person cling to their ways out of defiance/spite.

The problem with this is that she's showing no inclination to change. She's not here to change, she's here to get a perspective on the dude she's cheating with. So, while I'm all for empathy and understanding under the right conditions, this is clearly not one of these times.

 

People need to learn to be a lot more discerning over when to show empathy or understanding otherwise all you're doing is "enabling" the person to continue their behavior, and that's far worse, absolutely far worse than telling it to them straight.

 

.

[crazy_grl]

The problem with this is that she's showing no inclination to change. She's not here to change, she's here to get a perspective on the dude she's cheating with. So, while I'm all for empathy and understanding under the right conditions, this is clearly not one of these times.

 

People need to learn to be a lot more discerning over when to show empathy or understanding otherwise all you're doing is "enabling" the person to continue their behavior, and that's far worse, absolutely far worse than telling it to them straight.

 

I would agree with you if her answer to the suggestion of seeing a therapist had been outright refusal. She already stated her intent to find one. That to me signals willingness to change.

 

It's only been 3 days since the initial post. That's not enough time to have a grand revelation and change your whole way of looking at your life.

 

I keep seeing "divorce your husband" and "tell everyone about the affair". Despite the general consensus, I don't agree that that approach would even be fair to the other parties involved until sky has had some counseling. I think the best way to start to handle the situation is what sky has already agreed she should do.

Edited November 12, 2009 by crazy_grl

[A O]

I would agree with you if her answer to the suggestion of seeing a therapist had been outright refusal. She already stated her intent to find one.

What do you think is the primary reason for her being here. Do you think its to seek help or seek insight into her other man's behavior? And if you think its the former, on the first page alone, can you find evidence that justifies your claims that she's here to seek help. I'm giving you the opportunity to sift through at least six posts, not just the OP, to find evidence to support your stance.

 

Oh, and btw, you'll soon notice that she's already tried therapy and that evidently didn't produce much.

 

.

[intheskywithdiamonds]

I would agree with you if her answer to the suggestion of seeing a therapist had been outright refusal. She already stated her intent to find one. That to me signals willingness to change.

 

It's only been 3 days since the initial post. That's not enough time to have a grand revelation and change your whole way of looking at your life.

 

I keep seeing "divorce your husband" and "tell everyone about the affair". Despite the general consensus, I don't agree that that approach would even be fair to the other parties involved until sky has had some counseling. I think the best way to start to handle the situation is what sky has already agreed she should do.

 

 

Thank you so much crazy grl. That is the problem I have been dealing with here. I am receiving nothing but negotive feedback about what I did instead of help. Devil was the only one who helped me, and really helped!!! For the record, I feel that although I do love my husband, which in our history and length I will never get rid of that feeling, however I am not "in love" with him, which makes a world of difference. I do know that what I am doing is wrong, but hell, everyone makes mistakes and has skeletons in their closet. This is mine. I have spent the last 15 years with the same man and never had a bad thought, until now. I believe that there is a reason for this and that is some of the advice I was looking for. I also do intend on telling my husband, and we have been to therapy together several times already. We first saw grief councelors, and support groups, then we saw marriage councelors, then we saw an intimacy therapist, I think that is what the title was. After all this nothing has changed. I however will be seeing an individ this sat. I am not looking to save my marriage b/c even if I never strayed, I know it cannot be saved. Its amazing we hung on 8 more years after the death. 99% break up directly after. I do however want to stay close with him, I need him, he is the only one that understands what we went through, and he needs me for the same reasons.

 

I hope this can clarify some negotivity going around.

[intheskywithdiamonds]

What do you think is the primary reason for her being here. Do you think its to seek help or seek insight into her other man's behavior? And if you think its the former, on the first page alone, can you find evidence that justifies your claims that she's here to seek help. I'm giving you the opportunity to sift through at least six posts, not just the OP, to find evidence to support your stance.

 

Oh, and btw, you'll soon notice that she's already tried therapy and that evidently didn't produce much.

 

.

 

I now realize that there is absolutely nothing in this world that can make you ever have a good thing to type. No matter what the situation. I looked at hundreds of threads today, and constantly see you being the same way to these ppl, so just leave this one alone. Its not bothering me which is your intention, and you seem to be pissing everyone else off at the same time. I personally could care less what you have to say from this point onward, and will not be reading anymore replies you think you are offering. I have already received the information I wanted, well before you stuck your obnoxious self into this. The rest of the replies I have read and take into consideration, as well as any future ones. You yourself need to see someone. BTW, your message above about my therapy not working, it was my husband who didnt want it to work. He wanted to get out as soon as the session started so he can get home, get in his truck and get out with friends. We had homework every week, I did mine, and he never once in 3 years did his. Leave me alone.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Thank you so much crazy grl. That is the problem I have been dealing with here. I am receiving nothing but negotive feedback about what I did instead of help. Devil was the only one who helped me, and really helped!!! For the record, I feel that although I do love my husband, which in our history and length I will never get rid of that feeling, however I am not "in love" with him, which makes a world of difference. I do know that what I am doing is wrong, but hell, everyone makes mistakes and has skeletons in their closet. This is mine. I have spent the last 15 years with the same man and never had a bad thought, until now. I believe that there is a reason for this and that is some of the advice I was looking for. I also do intend on telling my husband, and we have been to therapy together several times already. We first saw grief councelors, and support groups, then we saw marriage councelors, then we saw an intimacy therapist, I think that is what the title was. After all this nothing has changed. I however will be seeing an individ this sat. I am not looking to save my marriage b/c even if I never strayed, I know it cannot be saved. Its amazing we hung on 8 more years after the death. 99% break up directly after. I do however want to stay close with him, I need him, he is the only one that understands what we went through, and he needs me for the same reasons.

 

I hope this can clarify some negotivity going around.

 

You know what, when all is said and done. your just like all the other pathetic women that trapise along this board. Your affair isnt special, the om is no saint and you are no mother teresa. What you want is validation for your bad behavior.

 

Why dont you just move out and file for divorce? Stop talking about it, and be about it!!!

 

For once in yur life instead of shagging someone else. because you cant control your emotions because you guys are soulmates! LOL. (yeah,right)

 

file for divorce, make way for the woman that your husband truly deserves. And you and the OM can ride off into the sunset and you can be together forever!

[A O]

BTW, your message above about my therapy not working, it was my husband who didnt want it to work. He wanted to get out as soon as the session started so he can get home, get in his truck and get out with friends. We had homework every week, I did mine, and he never once in 3 years did his. Leave me alone.

Interesting isn't it, that you never mentioned this tidbit within that particular post, but you didn't hesitate to mention your affair and how that managed to stay intact. I could say more, but hey, until you decided to give me yet another serve, I was leaving you alone.

 

.

[crazy_grl]

Interesting isn't it, that you never mentioned this tidbit within that particular post, but you didn't hesitate to mention your affair and how that managed to stay intact. I could say more, but hey, until you decided to give me yet another serve, I was leaving you alone.

 

I just read her post about her therapy, and that's not how it went. She didn't talk about how the affair managed stay in tact. She mentioned that nothing about the affair had come up in therapy. She also mentioned that the therapy didn't work and she had never been to individual therapy.

 

I also do intend on telling my husband

 

I hope your therapist is able to help you on Sat. Obviously everything may not be resolved within the first session. But hopefully you will have a little more clarity. And maybe you can work out the best ways to approach your husband with this.

 

At the risk of giving people more to attack you with, have you given thought to what you're going to do with the OM while you work with a therapist and how to deal with OM in regards breaking things off or not seeing him until you've resolved things with your H?

 

(PS: There is an option to put individuals on an ignore list, which makes it easier to skip their posts. Also, if your focus has changed from your original post, it might be best to start another thread... if you still think this place can be of help to you.)

[Lish]

I now realize that there is absolutely nothing in this world that can make you ever have a good thing to type. No matter what the situation. I looked at hundreds of threads today, and constantly see you being the same way to these ppl, so just leave this one alone. Its not bothering me which is your intention, and you seem to be pissing everyone else off at the same time. I personally could care less what you have to say from this point onward, and will not be reading anymore replies you think you are offering. I have already received the information I wanted, well before you stuck your obnoxious self into this. The rest of the replies I have read and take into consideration, as well as any future ones. You yourself need to see someone. BTW, your message above about my therapy not working, it was my husband who didnt want it to work. He wanted to get out as soon as the session started so he can get home, get in his truck and get out with friends. We had homework every week, I did mine, and he never once in 3 years did his. Leave me alone.

 

 

Lol.

You are laughable.

 

I feel beyond sorry for your husband.

 

You are a liar.

You are a cheater. You try to justify yourself but really, you would cheat on ANYONE. If you can do it once, you can sure as hell do it again.

You are disrespectful. You claim to love this man, when infact you don't. Any woman who has any respect or love for someone, DOES not open her legs to their friend. I swear, if you love this man, then I'm a 6'4" American pygmy.

& for you to post on here, telling people to get help when infact,you are the liar, the cheat and the one who opens her legs to her husbands friend, is in my opinion, completely hypocritical. YOU are the one who needs help, sweetheart.

You need to take responsibility, tell this man what you've done and leave him the hell alone. You've aready cheated on him, lied to him and shagged his friend; what more do you have planned?

 

You should be ashamed of yourself. As I said before, this man should regret every second he's wasted being with you. I'm sure he has faults and is no angel, but compared to you, he's like the reincarnation of Mother Teresa.

 

Just get a divorce & then you can go swanning off and live with your prince, who is also a liar and a cheat..... how fitting

[crazy_grl]

sky, forget about answering my question about OM. People will just use anything else you say here to attack you... as if that helps anyone. I suggest not posting anything further on this thread.

[Lish]

sky, forget about answering my question about OM. People will just use anything else you say here to attack you... as if that helps anyone. I suggest not posting anything further on this thread.

 

She came on this board asking for help and advice and we've given her it.

 

She wants acceptance for opening her legs when she's married and you're giving her it.

 

She needs to own up & take responsibility for her actions. END OF. She has done absolutely nothing but think of herself and her own feelings all the way through, so encouraging her to continue lying to her husband just so *SHE* can get in the right frame of mind with a therapist is just ridiculous and is only giving her the justification she's been looking for.

[intheskywithdiamonds]

I just read her post about her therapy, and that's not how it went. She didn't talk about how the affair managed stay in tact. She mentioned that nothing about the affair had come up in therapy. She also mentioned that the therapy didn't work and she had never been to individual therapy.

 

 

 

I hope your therapist is able to help you on Sat. Obviously everything may not be resolved within the first session. But hopefully you will have a little more clarity. And maybe you can work out the best ways to approach your husband with this.

 

At the risk of giving people more to attack you with, have you given thought to what you're going to do with the OM while you work with a therapist and how to deal with OM in regards breaking things off or not seeing him until you've resolved things with your H?

 

(PS: There is an option to put individuals on an ignore list, which makes it easier to skip their posts. Also, if your focus has changed from your original post, it might be best to start another thread... if you still think this place can be of help to you.)

 

I havent thought about what to do with the OM right now. I want to make sure I have a purpose for him in the end or not. I dont know what will become of it, and right now I really dont care.

[Lish]

I havent thought about what to do with the OM right now. I want to make sure I have a purpose for him in the end or not. I dont know what will become of it, and right now I really dont care.

 

 

And there, darling, is your problem

[A O]

I just read her post about her therapy, and that's not how it went. She didn't talk about how the affair managed stay in tact. She mentioned that nothing about the affair had come up in therapy.

Point is, not what she talked about in therapy, it's what she felt she needed to say the most about her therapy session here, and that was to tell us all that her affair didn't come out. Now, you would think that if she were truly interested in saving her marriage, she would have mentioned more relationship specific details to us, especially one as big as her husband walking out on the session. But she didn't, she told us here that her affair wasn't exposed, that to me, tells me exactly where her head is at.

 

She also mentioned that the therapy didn't work and she had never been to individual therapy.

Well, in relationship to the specific post I'm commenting on, she mentioned that it didn't help, that much is true. But she did mention that she spent individual time with the therapist (probably courtesy of her husband walking out moreso than by design I imagine).

 

My point being, indicating that one may be interested in seeing a therapist is simply not enough to advocate the approach you're suggesting when the vast weight of evidence here suggests that saving this marriage is the last thing on her mind. And for those advocating individual therapy, that's perfectly fine, but she needs to do one thing first beforehand - come clean to her husband.

 

 

She needs to own up & take responsibility for her actions. END OF. She has done absolutely nothing but think of herself and her own feelings all the way through, so encouraging her to continue lying to her husband just so *SHE* can get in the right frame of mind with a therapist is just ridiculous and is only giving her the justification she's been looking for.

Exactly. The advice that some people are advocating here is just plain sad.

 

.

[crazy_grl]

And there, darling, is your problem

 

Holy, hell. Seriously, you people jump all over her because she is thinking of the OM and then you jump all over her for NOT thinking of him.

 

I've seen very little advice on this thread and lots of lashing out. You can voice your disapproval of someone's actions (which I have) and still treat them with basic respect. She's not cheating on any of YOU. If someone wants to tell her she's a worthless pile of crap with no sole and all that BS, it's up to her husband.

 

I personally think it's going to cause more heartache for the husband if sky doesn't work out how she feels about everything before telling him. What if he doesn't think she's the worst person in the world and wants to work things out? I think it's best to think clearly about the situation and assess what to do before announcing anything to the H to avoid situations such as giving him false hope, which could cause him more pain.

[crazy_grl]

Now, you would think that if she were truly interested in saving her marriage

 

She's said she's not interested in saving it at all. I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to stay in a relationship you're not happy in. I don't personally think there's anything more decent about trying to guilt your partner into "fixing the relationship". Once someone has cheated, the relationship is already broken.

 

I'm much more disgusted with people who sit and talk about how much of a mistake their cheating was and how badly they want to take it back and work things out with their partner. That's a bigger load of selfish BS. While she did a horrible thing, at the very least, sky is willing to accept that the consequence of her actions is the end of her marriage instead of expecting her spouse to just forgive and forget. (And we all know what those actions are and how selfish and unacceptable they are. I just don't feel the need to use vulgar, insulting terms to describe them.)

 

What difference does it make if she tells her husband today or next Wed? So waiting until after talking to someone makes her the scum of the earth but somehow if she walked up and told her H right now, she'd be a wonderful person whom you'd happily support?

 

I just don't understand the point of continuing to post if you think she has no interest in getting advice and changing...

Edited November 12, 2009 by crazy_grl

[crazy_grl]

I havent thought about what to do with the OM right now. I want to make sure I have a purpose for him in the end or not. I dont know what will become of it, and right now I really dont care.

 

That's not too bad of a stance to have right now, sky. While it would be great to be able to consider everyone's feelings in every situation, there's no way to properly handle 2 relationships at the same time (one reason why cheating is bad and never the solution to relationship problems). Even though you intend to leave him, your priority should be with your husband. Only after you've dealt with ending your current relationship will you be in any frame of mind to deal with another.

 

If you don't post again before then (and I can't blame you for not), I hope your therapy session goes well. Kudos on scheduling one so soon. I've seen people here pussy foot and make excuses for months without actually taking that step.