Dilemma

[A O]

A O. He was separated before we started.

Maths never was my strong point. So I'll rejig my view somewhat....

 

Leave your husband and forget about the man whose having an affair with a taken woman.

 

Leave them both.

 

.

[intheskywithdiamonds]

inthesky

 

"so dont judge me "

 

It's eay to judge you. You come here an justify why you are banging your BH's best friend.

 

The way you gave yourself to BH's friend you could of insisted on sex counseling together for you and your BH.

 

You did more than betray your BH you doubled betrayed him by having his best friend as your OM.

 

Then it can be said that being the OMW is your friend I guess we can call it a triple betrayal, or at least a double double betrayal.

 

Remember that those that will cheat with you will cheat on you.

 

Your actions shows your maturity and the ability to pick a new man with such great morals to be your husband and father to you future children.

 

You can start to doing something right to end this mess.

 

You must tell your BH that you have been cheating on him with his BF.

 

You must tell your BF/OMW that you have been banging her husband.

 

Both of these BS's deserve the truth. And, need the truth for them to decide to do what's right with there live's for themselves.

 

Whether there are divorces or not the truth must come out.

 

You should not even hesitate to tell the BS's because you say your not doing anythng wrong.

 

So being your are justifying what you are doing as not wrong. Then tell your BS's about the affair because it's right. Being your actions are right you have nothing to hide.

 

 

 

U have obviously not read any of these posts, and only my inital thread. U will see that my Husb and I have been to counseling, And I never said I wanted to spend my life with the OM either. Furthermore, I am not looking for another husband or father to my children. And the OM knows this. He is well aware that I will never pop out another child, but he is also supportive in that. U also do not seem to understand this entire issue.

[intheskywithdiamonds]

DI is telling you the straight up. Find an individual therapist, who special izes in grief therapy. You already have a very good handle about the rest. BTW, just ask the other man why he is having trouble confiding his feelings to you. Maybe he thinks you already have enough on your plate and doesn't want to burden you further. Or maybe he really doesn't have any idea, what HE wants either. It sounds like more of a miss-communication thing to me.

 

 

Hi Boldjack: I dont think its an issue with telling me his feelings. He just doesnt express his feelings period. He does not do this. I dont know how to explain it better, except his family never heard his express before either. I dont know if he doesnt do it cause of a past experience I dont know about, or if its his nature. This is what bothers me. I want to know but dont want to go against what I know about him. I dont want him to think im tryingto change him when im not.

[Devil Inside]

Sky...any luck finding a therapist?

[road]

You have chosen to not respond so I will ask you again.

 

Have told your BH that you have been cheating on him with his BF?

 

Have you told your BF/OMW that you have been banging her husband?

 

"U have obviously not read any of these posts, and only my inital thread. U will see that my Husb and I have been to counseling, And I never said I wanted to spend my life with the OM either. Furthermore, I am not looking for another husband or father to my children. And the OM knows this. He is well aware that I will never pop out another child, but he is also supportive in that. U also do not seem to understand this entire issue."

 

I have read your posts. You have not answered those questions. Lets start with you answering those questions.

[intheskywithdiamonds]

You have chosen to not respond so I will ask you again.

 

Have told your BH that you have been cheating on him with his BF?

 

Have you told your BF/OMW that you have been banging her husband?

 

"U have obviously not read any of these posts, and only my inital thread. U will see that my Husb and I have been to counseling, And I never said I wanted to spend my life with the OM either. Furthermore, I am not looking for another husband or father to my children. And the OM knows this. He is well aware that I will never pop out another child, but he is also supportive in that. U also do not seem to understand this entire issue."

 

I have read your posts. You have not answered those questions. Lets start with you answering those questions.

 

Read all the posts and u will see that I have not told my husband, and as for my friend, I dont need to tell her. He is technically not her husband anymore by court standards. If he wants her to know then he will tell her. I did not start sleeping with him until after.

[harmfulsweetz]

She is your friend though. In all fairness, I don't think friends should sleep with their ex hubbies. No offense.

[boldjack]

Diamonds, Why did you snap at me for? I'm not judging you. Do you have anger-management problems? I'm trying to give you some advice.

[road]

"I have not told my husband, and as for my friend, I dont need to tell her. He is technically not her husband anymore by court standards. If he wants her to know then he will tell her. I did not start sleeping with him until after."

 

There are two types of lying.

 

Lying by Commission, and, lying by Omission.

 

Lying by Commission is to tell a lie.

 

Lying by Omission is fail to tell the truth, to withhold the truth.

 

When are you going to stop lying?

 

Your BH deserves the truth. There is no way around this.

 

Your friend the OMW deserves the truth. No way around that also.

 

Your refusal to tell only supports that your affair is wrong.

 

If your affair is justified then you should have no trouble revealing it.

[intheskywithdiamonds]

Diamonds, Why did you snap at me for? I'm not judging you. Do you have anger-management problems? I'm trying to give you some advice.

 

 

Bold I dont thinkk I was snapping at you. If I did im sorry, it wasnt intended and maybe my typing just incinuated so. U have given me advice and thank you.; Again im sorry

[intheskywithdiamonds]

Diamonds, Why did you snap at me for? I'm not judging you. Do you have anger-management problems? I'm trying to give you some advice.

 

 

Bold, last i posted to you was explaining about his feelings and why I think he dont express them. I think u were reading a post I had to someone else where I was heated based on their response. LOL not at you.

[intheskywithdiamonds]

"I have not told my husband, and as for my friend, I dont need to tell her. He is technically not her husband anymore by court standards. If he wants her to know then he will tell her. I did not start sleeping with him until after."

 

There are two types of lying.

 

Lying by Commission, and, lying by Omission.

 

Lying by Commission is to tell a lie.

 

Lying by Omission is fail to tell the truth, to withhold the truth.

 

When are you going to stop lying?

 

Your BH deserves the truth. There is no way around this.

 

Your friend the OMW deserves the truth. No way around that also.

 

Your refusal to tell only supports that your affair is wrong.

 

If your affair is justified then you should have no trouble revealing it.

 

 

I never said I didnt think I was doing something wrong. I clearly did state that I know its wrong. the OMW may still be my friend, but at the same time, she is not innocent. The reason for their separation from the beginning is b/c she slept with her husb friend 2 years ago, then a year ago her husb BROTHER. They are separating because of their problems, not ours. If he wants her to know, then he will tell her. He also dont want her thinking that he did this to get back at her, b/c he didnt. Its his wife, and he will tell her when he is ready. If everyone told their secrets then it would be: I tell my husband and I tell my friend. The OM tells my husband and his wife. His wife tells my husband and my husband tells his wife. There is just too much of reinformation and every time someone hears it it will hurt. So I tell the person that is more important to me b/c it will hurt him and I know it, and the OM can tell her.

[A O]

So I tell the person that is more important to me b/c it will hurt him and I know it, and the OM can tell her.

Telling your husband is only one part of the process - leaving him is the next. He's simply not the man for you.

 

.

[silverfish]

Telling your husband is only one part of the process - leaving him is the next. He's simply not the man for you.

 

.

 

I don't know if that's true. Sexually, maybe, who knows. After everything they've been through, who can say how they'd cope with that? Not to trivialise it, but the experience of losing a child must have an affect on your sex life in a massive way.

 

A break from all this has to be on the cards now. You have every right OP to just back off from everyone and sort your own feelings out right now. There is a lot - too much - going on. De-drama your life for a bit, and a good starting point *might* be telling everyone the truth then locking yourself away with a bit of therapy and no drama for a while.

 

Your H sounds like he is a friend and you dont know if your OM is or not but you dont need either of them - you need to believe in yourself and take the lead here, and that could & should be a positve thing for you.

[A O]

I don't know if that's true. Sexually, maybe, who knows. After everything they've been through, who can say how they'd cope with that? Not to trivialise it, but the experience of losing a child must have an affect on your sex life in a massive way.

First off, losing her child is a red herring because it hasn't stopped her from getting her leg over with someone else. She's played the sympathy card and a few people have fallen for it. Next, she hasn't mentioned anything about wanting to stay with her husband nor fix the marriage. She is only interested in whether the other guy and her are remotely compatible.

 

So, she needs to stop being selfish and leave her husband. Let her husband have a chance to be loved in a way that she's incapable of doing.

 

A break from all this has to be on the cards now. You have every right OP to just back off from everyone and sort your own feelings out right now.

This is a no-brainer. She can do this after she's left her husband.

 

.

[silverfish]

I hardly think losing a child is a 'red herring' or 'playing the sympathy card'. I know a few women who have been through various situations - not as serious as this, but losing a child does make you a little bit cold inside, which could explain her behaviour.

 

She might be focusing on the OM and his feelings because it gives her the chance to 'start over' and go back to life before all the tragedy with the death of her child. Theres nothing wrong with that in a way, its a way of dealing with something that few people have experienced.

 

OP. The sex and intimacy you are experiencing with your OM are a false dawn. You will at some point come to realise that your feelings and your shared experiences with your ex, who you obviously still love, are very real. I hope at some point that you are build on this in whatever way you feel makes you happy in the future

[A O]

I hardly think losing a child is a 'red herring' or 'playing the sympathy card'. I know a few women who have been through various situations - not as serious as this, but losing a child does make you a little bit cold inside, which could explain her behaviour.

In the context of this situation - you betcha it is. There's nothing cold about the OP, she's as happy as larry. Please don't be fooled.

 

She might be focusing on the OM and his feelings because it gives her the chance to 'start over' and go back to life before all the tragedy with the death of her child.

She's focusing on the other guy because he rocks her world, sexually speaking. It's as simple as that.

 

Theres nothing wrong with that in a way, its a way of dealing with something that few people have experienced.

On top of the sex, she's realized (and squillions of people end up in this situation) that she married too young in a time when she neither knew herself nor what she wanted in a man. She has a far clearer picture now.

 

OP. The sex and intimacy you are experiencing with your OM are a false dawn. You will at some point come to realise that your feelings and your shared experiences with your ex, who you obviously still love, are very real. I hope at some point that you are build on this in whatever way you feel makes you happy in the future

Unbelievable.

 

.

[silverfish]

In the context of this situation - you betcha it is. There's nothing cold about the OP, she's as happy as larry. Please don't be fooled.

 

 

She's focusing on the other guy because he rocks her world, sexually speaking. It's as simple as that.

 

 

On top of the sex, she's realized (and squillions of people end up in this situation) that she married too young in a time when she neither knew herself nor what she wanted in a man. She has a far clearer picture now.

 

 

Unbelievable.

 

.

 

AO have you got any personal experience that you can draw on to add to the Ops situation or are you just here to judge people?

[A O]

AO have you got any personal experience that you can draw on to add to the Ops situation or are you just here to judge people?

Do you believe that she's not selfish? Do you condone her behavior, if so - why?

 

Myself, I'm a message board veteran in relation to relationship issues as well as dealing with many situations like this in person. As for my judgments, there are two types of judgments - practical judgments and value judgments.

 

In this circumstance, she is selfish, that's a practical judgment. Practical judgments are perfectly fine, to be encouraged actually. Value judgments on the other hand, rarely will you get one of those out of me.

 

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[silverfish]

Do you believe that she's not selfish? Do you condone her behavior, if so - why?

 

Myself, I'm a message board veteran in relation to relationship issues as well as dealing with many situations like this in person. As for my judgments, there are two types of judgments - practical judgments and value judgments.

 

In this circumstance, she is selfish, that's a practical judgment. Practical judgments are perfectly fine, to be encouraged actually. Value judgments on the other hand, rarely will you get one of those out of me.

 

.

 

Yes I agree she is being selfish, and i dont condone the behaviour, but i don't agree if that is what you are implying - that selfishness is a bad thing...just the manifestation of that selfishness is understandable considering what she has been through..

 

I don't really understand your stance as to 'values'. its easy enough to judge, but judgement isnt what people come here for - advice is i guess.

 

I found it hard to continue a relationship after the loss of a child, so I'm speaking from the voice of limited experience. I behaved badly at times as did my ex. We are still friends, if not together, but who knows what the future holds.

 

I don't like and havent for a while (no offence particualrly to you AO) the feeding frenzy on this site over people who have complicated situations. It's stopped me, for one posting my own story on here because I know how it would go....I admire people that do though, such as the OP for their honesty and 'values' in being true to themselves at least on here as a starting point, and I would hate if the reactions they got put them off dealing with their reality

[A O]

Yes I agree she is being selfish, and i dont condone the behaviour, but i don't agree if that is what you are implying - that selfishness is a bad thing...just the manifestation of that selfishness is understandable considering what she has been through.

The cause of her selfishness is where you and I differ. I firmly believe that the loss of her child as absolutely nothing to do with her behavior.

 

I don't really understand your stance as to 'values'. its easy enough to judge, but judgement isnt what people come here for - advice is i guess.

A practical judgment of this situation is to call the OP selfish. A value judgment is to call her a selfish 'whore'. The implication here being that she is a person of low moral integrity, hence her value is low. I use the former a lot, I rarely if ever use the latter.

 

I found it hard to continue a relationship after the loss of a child, so I'm speaking from the voice of limited experience. I behaved badly at times as did my ex. We are still friends, if not together, but who knows what the future holds.

I'll take that on board for future reference. Thank you.

 

I don't like and havent for a while (no offence particualrly to you AO) the feeding frenzy on this site over people who have complicated situations.

Sorry, but this is not a complicated situation.

 

It's stopped me, for one posting my own story on here because I know how it would go....I admire people that do though, such as the OP for their honesty and 'values' in being true to themselves at least on here as a starting point, and I would hate if the reactions they got put them off dealing with their reality

I appreciate your empathy but all you're doing is 'enabling' the OP to continue on as is. The reality of this situation is patently obvious, she does not love her husband, therefore she needs to come clean to him and leave him (if he doesn't leave her first after finding out). If things are in fact the way that you interpret them to perhaps being, then they can work through that after she's come clean.

 

Number one goal here is for her to be truthful to her husband, it is that simple.

 

.

[silverfish]

Paragon / AO take your personal beef with women on this board out of peoples personal problems you ridiculous little man

[A O]

Paragon / AO take your personal beef with women on this board out of peoples personal problems you ridiculous little man

I don't know where this all came from, but back to the OP. If you check out her opening post, you will see that not once does she mention the loss of her child, but she makes no bones about the quality of the sex she's received from the other guy and she also mentions the relatively young age she got married.

 

Now, if things ran more along the lines that you've mentioned then you would have thought that she would have prefaced her opening post with a lot more details about the loss of her child, and certainly, less details about the sexual side of things. Therefore, its pretty clear as to the true motives behind her behavior.

 

.

[intheskywithdiamonds]

In the context of this situation - you betcha it is. There's nothing cold about the OP, she's as happy as larry. Please don't be fooled.

 

 

She's focusing on the other guy because he rocks her world, sexually speaking. It's as simple as that.

 

 

On top of the sex, she's realized (and squillions of people end up in this situation) that she married too young in a time when she neither knew herself nor what she wanted in a man. She has a far clearer picture now.

 

 

Unbelievable.

 

.

 

 

First of all u ignorant nothing, IO CLEARLY STATE THAT I MARRIED B/C I HAD A SICK CHILD AND WE BOTH DECIDED THE MILITARY INSURANCE WAS THE BEST AND WE NEEDED IT, AND NEEDED THE SUPPORT TOGETHER. MY ONLY CONCERN AT THE TIME WAS GETTING MY DAUGHTER THE BEST ****ING CARE SHE COULD GET. SHE HAD A HEART CONDITION THAT HAS NOT BEEN SEEN SINCE 1957 AND NO ONE KNEW HOW TO HELP- IT. I HAD THE BEST SURGEON FLOWN IN FROM MOROCCO, AND SAW A CARDIOLOGIST IN GERMANY AND EVEN AFTER ALL THIS SHE STILL DIED. I ALSO GAVE PERMISSION TO HAVE HER CASE IN THE MEDICAL BOOKS SO THEY CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT THE **** TO DO FOR THE NEXT BABY. BTW IF ANYONE IS A DOCTOR MY DAUGHTER IS KNOWN AS CASE GERMAN SAM.

 

And so what. Yes i cheated yes im a bad person, no i dont only care about the OM, as I clearly stated to devil, that i do not intend on staying with my husb b/c the OM may not want me, I will chose to be alone, I dont need either of them, I am looking for advice, maybe some assistance with this, maybe some guidance and u have done nothing but be a complete ass. Shut the **** up and stop posting

[boldjack]

Maybe she didn't mention her life's history, because she didn't hink she would be given the third Degree. OP, You should be square with your H, divorce him, and find your own way in life. What has happened in the past, take and use as a learning experience. Find a person , who is a good fit for you and never cheat again. Good Luck & be happy.:D