intheskywithdiamonds Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I have been married for 11 yrs next month. Since April I have been havin affair with a man I met 2 yrs ago. A little "me" history. I got married at 19, and was major tomboy. I never crushed on anyone, never been attracted to ANYONE, and got married cause I got pregnant. I grew to love my husband but he was a virgin and still cannot give good sex. Even after my advice, and now im tired of trying. Anyway, this other guy is the first 1 ever I have been attracted to. From the day we met, he ran through my head 24/7. I never had that b4. In jan we started workin 2gether, and got very close, and in april well it happened. I am truely in love. This is also the first person that has ever gotten me off without me having to assist. I have a difficult time with this, but he can make it happen in minutes. I never told him my feelings, and want to know how he feels. He is currently married and been unhappy for years. (his wife is my friend from 4 yrs ago) he married cause she was pregnant. I know him very well to the point that I know he will not say he loves me even if he does. He does not use that word, EVER. Which is my dilemma. I do not want him upset and force him to do what is outside his box. The furthest I have gotten from him was he cares a great deal, and I didnt ask him. its just through conversation and such. I know its not just about sex cause we will get a room for the night and never engage in anything. We just sleep, cuddle, play video games, just want to be together, which is how I know he got something there. I need to know what I should do. But I dont want to hear that I am a bad person, I know what I am doing is wrong, but I also think I married to early, and its not meant to be. So please spare me of this and help me for real. How do I get him to say his feelings without crossing a boundary.
Devil Inside Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 OP, what is your question? The way I read it, it seems you are looking for help with getting him to open up about his feelings. Is this accurate or do you also want advice about the whole situation in general?
Author intheskywithdiamonds Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 I think maybe both. I am so confused and this entire thing is eating away at my insides. I really need to know where he stands cause that can be a big factor in our future (for both us and our spouses)
boldjack Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 First things first, divorce your husband, if you can't be faithful to him. He deserves a loyal wife, just like you deserve a loyal husband. Your OM will probably not say anything as long as you are married to another, and probably will not leave his wife either. You should try to be more mature in your thinking.
Devil Inside Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I think maybe both. I am so confused and this entire thing is eating away at my insides. I really need to know where he stands cause that can be a big factor in our future (for both us and our spouses) OK...well in that case. First, just so you know where I am coming from, I am married and had an affair with a woman that was married and then divorced. That affair ended over five months ago. I am also a therapist. I mostly speak form personal experience, but I can't help but use my education when discussing these issues. First, I would advise that you figure out what you want, separate from him. Here is what I mean...first, figure out if you want to stay married. I also married young because my wife was pregnant. Like you, I was not sexually satisfied. Like you, my lover seemed to show me what physical pleasure was meant to be. So I get how you feel. I fell in love with her. I wanted to leave my marriage for her. I wanted to marry her. However, whenever I thought about going to my wife and telling her I was leaving, I could not do it. I thought about the implications to my children. I thought about how everything would change. I thought about taking this risk. I could never pull the trigger. For this reason I tell you, no matter how unhappy he may seem, regardless if he professes unending love for you, I would not count on what he says to base your decision on. If the only way you would leave your marriage is if he did, then I would not leave until he did first. However, I say you really soul search and figure out if you can stay married. If you can't, then get a divorce. The other thing I would advise is that you think about ending the affair. It is extremely difficult to make decisions about your marriage when you are involved in a triangle. Which you are. If I were in your shoes I would tell your lover that you need time to figure out your marriage, then work on that task first. If you decide to leave, then you are free to pursue whatever relationship you want. Look, I know how overwhelming these situations are. I know the roller coaster you are on. Please, please, please, think before your act. Think about everyone that will be effected by your actions. Good luck, and keep us posted.
Author intheskywithdiamonds Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 For ur information, he is separated from his wife already. In this state u must first separate for a year by court standards before divorce is granted. So he IS leaving his wife. And this happened before we started.
Devil Inside Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 For ur information, he is separated from his wife already. In this state u must first separate for a year by court standards before divorce is granted. So he IS leaving his wife. And this happened before we started. So let me ask you this...would you still leave your husband if you knew you would not end up with him...or would you only leave if he could guarantee you that you would be together?
Author intheskywithdiamonds Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 Devil: I do love my husband but Im not in love with him. The OM is his friend, and his wife is mine. We r a group. My husb and I I think have been holding on b/c we had a daughter who died at 2 yrs old from heart disease. We were in the military and spent 18 months of her 2 years in hospitals and in ICU. We wrote bad checks togehter for her, and took high balance credit cards for her. We also filed bankruptcy to stay out of jail cause of this. We had it rough and been through the mill cause of it. I have that problem of not being able to break his heart, only cause of what we share. Not many ppl have gone through this and we are each others support. If this makes any sense.
Bejita463 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Please, please, please, think before your act. Think about everyone that will be effected by your actions. Sound advice, though it would have been more applicable in April than now.
boldjack Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Well, OP that solves 1/2 of your problem. You still have to decide if you want to be an honest person, or not. You obviously don't feel any love or respect for your husband, so why not divorce him and pursue the other guy?
Author intheskywithdiamonds Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 Sorry Devil that short post was for BOLDJACK. To answer ur question, I believe if I can master up the courage to confront him, I would leave even if I cannot be with the other. I dont think I should stay just becauseI have no one else. I can see we are falling apart slowly, even before this started, and dont think he should be forced to stay cause we took vows either. I love him enough to want him to be happy, no matter who is laying next to him or who ring is on his finger.
Devil Inside Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 It makes all the sense in the world. Sky...I am very sorry for your loss. I cannot even begin to say I know how that would feel...I have children...I have had scares...but I still have them both. It sounds like in may ways you and your husband have bonded through this trauma. It is very difficult to tell someone like that something that would devastate them. However, what you are doing now is equally as devastating. Having an affair with his friend...ouch! I recommend that you get into therapy. I think that it could be helpful. It will help you sort all of this out. It seems to me that you may have a guilt complex over leaving your husband because it may represent your connection to the daughter you lost. This would be a natural response to this kind of trauma. However, in time, you may really come to resent your husband and feel trapped...when in reality, you can leave, that is an option.
Author intheskywithdiamonds Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 Yea the friend thing is probably going to b the hardest, especially when he realizes all the times he left us alone or sent us 2 do something alone. I guess the same will go for his wife, as my friend. Needless to say, we both will lose a friend in this for sure. I have tried therapy and we both have went, and it didnt help. We went to see why we were falling apart, but the affair never came out only when I was alone, but the lady just kept telling me to do what is best for me, and that didnt help me any.
Author intheskywithdiamonds Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 Bold dont tell me I dont feel or respect my husband. Its ppl like u that make the world hate. Im sure u have made a many mistake in ur life, so dont judge me on mine. U have no idea what we been through, and what it is like to live every day of ur life with this burden now. I never in a million years expected I would do this, especially after being married for 11 yrs and being together since I was 15. I got married b/c I was pregnant, and he wanted our daughter to have military insurance with her condition, and be able to live together to deal with the situation. If I knew she was going to die I would have never done it. So dont judge me, I tried to save my daughters life and give her a chance.
Devil Inside Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I have tried therapy and we both have went, and it didnt help. We went to see why we were falling apart, but the affair never came out only when I was alone, but the lady just kept telling me to do what is best for me, and that didnt help me any. Then go find someone that will help you sort out your own dilemmas. Not a marriage therapist, an individual therapist. Someone that can help you with the trauma of losing your daughter. The affair and your marriage. How to leave the marriage, if that is what you want to do. Find someone that can really help you, someone that seems to understand. Do this for your own sanity.
boldjack Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 OP, you already know that you should be honest with your H. You both went through a lot together and have become friends, because of the shared trauma, but that does not equal being in love. I simply can't imagine what you went through with your little girl and you have my depest sympathy. Let the other man go for a while and work on parting from your husband in an honest and civil way.If the OM cares for you, he'll be around, don't worry.:)
Author intheskywithdiamonds Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 LOL sanity is the key word there. TY also, will start in the am looking. I just got discouraged and thought they all were going to be the same. Talking to you I see its not the case. Will keep u posted.
Devil Inside Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 LOL sanity is the key word there. TY also, will start in the am looking. I just got discouraged and thought they all were going to be the same. Talking to you I see its not the case. Will keep u posted. That is the spirit. Growth is always a painful process...one I know all to well. Do keep me posted...and if you need any tips on how to weed out the quack therapists just ask.
boldjack Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 DI is telling you the straight up. Find an individual therapist, who special izes in grief therapy. You already have a very good handle about the rest. BTW, just ask the other man why he is having trouble confiding his feelings to you. Maybe he thinks you already have enough on your plate and doesn't want to burden you further. Or maybe he really doesn't have any idea, what HE wants either. It sounds like more of a miss-communication thing to me.
A O Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Since April I have been havin affair with a man I met 2 yrs ago. Leave your husband. That's a no-brainer. Divorce your husband. If my maths is right, you were having an affair with the other dude before he separated therefore - leave him too. I know, I know, I know, you ain't gonna do that but the chances of you too staying together are very slim. Leave you husband - now. .
road Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 inthesky "so dont judge me " It's eay to judge you. You come here an justify why you are banging your BH's best friend. The way you gave yourself to BH's friend you could of insisted on sex counseling together for you and your BH. You did more than betray your BH you doubled betrayed him by having his best friend as your OM. Then it can be said that being the OMW is your friend I guess we can call it a triple betrayal, or at least a double double betrayal. Remember that those that will cheat with you will cheat on you. Your actions shows your maturity and the ability to pick a new man with such great morals to be your husband and father to you future children. You can start to doing something right to end this mess. You must tell your BH that you have been cheating on him with his BF. You must tell your BF/OMW that you have been banging her husband. Both of these BS's deserve the truth. And, need the truth for them to decide to do what's right with there live's for themselves. Whether there are divorces or not the truth must come out. You should not even hesitate to tell the BS's because you say your not doing anythng wrong. So being your are justifying what you are doing as not wrong. Then tell your BS's about the affair because it's right. Being your actions are right you have nothing to hide.
harmfulsweetz Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I'm sorry for your loss. I truly am. God, I can't imagine, so sorry. You need to be honest, though. You don't want to be in this, and it's about you now, not 'us'. And it becomes about the individuals, it's over. I would personally stop seeing your OM while you figure out what YOU want. It isn't fair to break his heart because you're too scared to admit your feelings, to betray him in such a selfish way (and it is selfish) is below the belt. You've been through loads together, and as individuals, this does not give you a free pass to do as you will to people you were meant to love. How would you feel if he did it to you?
Devil Inside Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 inthesky "so dont judge me " It's eay to judge you. You come here an justify why you are banging your BH's best friend. It is easy to judge anyone here...anyone anywhere really. However, as you are telling OP to show maturity in her actions and not do what comes easy in finding comfort in this other man....we too have a responsibility to show the maturity to not judge a person...but instead try to meet them where they are at. It does not mean you condone their actions...but that you can see past them to the pain that it is causing. Very few people do things because they are intentionally trying to hurt another...most of the time it is a poor solution to other issues they are trying to resolve. OK...I'll get off my soapbox now.
seibert253 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I feel sympathy for Inthesky, but she's wrong, and she knows it. While somewhat confusing, this actually is pretty simple. Difficult yes, but simple: 1. Tell your husband what you've been doing, and leave, seperate from him. 2. You need some serious IC. There are a number of issues you need addressed, the death of your child is just one of them. 3. Distance yourself from the OM. If he can't commit to you, why are you committing to him? Seperate from him, and your husband. This will give you time to repair you, and figure out what's best for you. Right now, your thoughts are confused by all the emotions you are feeling. The decision about the rest of your life needs to be made logically, not emotionally. You need time and distance to regain the logic in this mess, then make your decisions.
Author intheskywithdiamonds Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 Leave your husband. That's a no-brainer. Divorce your husband. If my maths is right, you were having an affair with the other dude before he separated therefore - leave him too. I know, I know, I know, you ain't gonna do that but the chances of you too staying together are very slim. Leave you husband - now. . A O. He was separated before we started.
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