seraphim mom Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 My husband filed almost 4 months ago for a supposed infedelity which was in reality me being raped by a co worker, took me 2 weeks of trying to actually tell him since in all the fights we had I was only able to get 2 words in. Now its november and I'm still messed up, I mean some days I have good days but since halloween its been bad days mostly since we went together with our girls one is his bio kid and the other he inherited her when we got married to a halloween thing in town, and it was like nothing happend and everything was fine, ever since then I've been trying to talk to him dumb I know since all it is doing is pissing him off. All I want is some advice on how either to move on or get him back since this is a mistake since the problems we have can be fixed by counseling. Also I would think if a 31 yr old guy who married a 22 yr old woman who was head over heels for him wouldn't just drop everything and go the divorce route.
boldjack Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 What was the nature of your relationship before the incident? What happened, that would lead him to believe it was infidelity instead of rape?
Author seraphim mom Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 Well about a month before the rape we had had a fight and he screamed he didn't know if he loved me anymore than appologized and I tried to be more affectionate, I mean I was working 12 hour days and coming home to take care of 2 young girls and the house and he would get mad since we didn't have enough sex, and he had been cheated on before by past gf's and has major trust issues, we met when we were both active duty and got married like a month after I got out of a bad relationship, and during the 2 years we were friends I learned a lot about how past women treated him, I was the first girl he brought home to meet his parents his longest relationship and the prettiest girl he'd ever been with, this is actually true I have seen his exsone seriously looks like mr. Burns, but we got married after a month of dateing I was 20 and he was 28 8 months later I was preg, but he is holding me accountable for other womens mistakes he blames me for putting myself in that position, he blames me for letting it happen, well I'm sorry if it was at a co workers going away thing and he slipped something in my drink, I mean I thought I could trust those people....bottom line since I'm rambling it has been 4 months since he left and almost 4 months since I told him and still nothing I'm at my witts end since I did nothing wrong and yet my husband has left...its like a double whammy of traumatic experiences
boldjack Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 What did you do, about the incident? Did you call the cops, or tell your h about it immediately? If you tried to hide it or didn't do anything to the co-worker, then your H will probably not believe it was rape.
Gunny376 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I'm not sure how to word this? But I will try. There is a such thing known as "surivor's guilt' In which someone whose lost someone close to them is guilty that they survied and the other didnt'. That they let them down. Now take that to your being raped? Its very likely that he's guilty and overcome with such that he wasn't there to "protect" you and prevent. He then turns his anger, embarrsement, shame for such against you. That is to say he's feeling guilty for not having been there for you, and for letting you down. Of course there's the anger, the shame, the depression, the anxiety, etc that goes with all of that. Rape doesn't just affect the party that was raped. It affects any and all those around them, a part of them. It destroys relationships, marriages, families. It doesn't just tear them apart ~ it shreades them. I would hope that at the very least your getting IC? If not for you? For your children. What you need to work on right now is yourself! Then your children, so you can be there for them. I sense your military. If so report this SOB! If you need an advocate? I'm your man! Just PM me and I'll make the telephone calls and write the letters!
boldjack Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Gunny, read the post. Her H filed 4 mos ago. That means that the incident happened longer ago than that. The chances of proving anything are almost nil. Any drug would be long out of her system.
Gunny376 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 What was the nature of your relationship before the incident? What happened, that would lead him to believe it was infidelity instead of rape? One of the reasons I'm a retired United States Marine Gunnery Sergeant and not a United States Marine Master Sergeant is because I went head to toe with a United States Marine Baptist so called "Born Again Baptist Major/Executive Officer over a Marine Women Marine Lance Corporal right to have an abortion. Not that I'm for abortion. But he wanted to Court Marital her because she got pregno with a drunk Marine with less than 30 days left in the Corps who wasn't going to be around for the birth let alone the raising of the forth-coming child. The charge? Under The Uniform Code of Justice, Fornication! Having sex with someone not you lawful wedded spouse! WTF? It cost me a stripe! For those not educated on military justice? If convicted she would have had to 'register' whenever she moved with the local sheriff's office as a felon. She couldn't own a gun In some states she couldn't buy a house nor land! In some states she wouldn't have been allowed to vote! All because of third rate rendezvous
boldjack Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Well, I'm no Jarhead, just a former SSG in the old "herd". But I know a little about the UCMJ. This poster hasn't come back to give us the info we need to help her. If she reported the rape or had a police report on file, then that would prove to her H that she was not a willing party.
Gunny376 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Well, I'm no Jarhead, just a former SSG in the old "herd". But I know a little about the UCMJ. This poster hasn't come back to give us the info we need to help her. If she reported the rape or had a police report on file, then that would prove to her H that she was not a willing party. First off ~ give some respect! jarhead! If you find yourself in a firefight with a mechanized Army solider? Pray! If you find yourself with a Marine mess cook? Ask him which way to shoot! One shot ~ one kill! Every Marine is an infrantryman! Cook,baker matters not!!
Gunny376 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 (edited) Deleated! Deleated! Edited November 9, 2009 by Gunny376
Author seraphim mom Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 Sorry for not replying, I'm guessing we are in diff time zones and some people have to sleep and I do have 2 young children to take care of, thank you gunny for your info, yes I am getting counseling, and yes I am getting help from family advocacy, I did tell my husband I did try hiding it for like a week from him since I felt ashamed and I really just wanted to push it to the back of my head and drive on you know, but then it got to much to handle I started to tell him and he flew off the handle before I could finish and he called me you know every nasty name in the book, I went to the cops and was treated like cr*p, like I had something they called buyers remorse or something, since any drug would have been gone in 72 hours, I asked for a female cop( the cop who interviewed me was a black male, which is the same as the person who raped me, now I'm not racist its just that right there triggered some fear, plues what happened well I would rather talk to a female) well what it all boils down to was I was told that they really couldn't do anything since I had waited and listened to my attackers threats so I mean they said they could try to prosecute but they couldn't guarantee anything would come from it, I told my husband all of this showed him the copy of the police report and he still dosent care or believe me...........but yeah for some people maybe they don't believe me since I didn't reply to the post quick enough...the last posting I did was @ 2230 and it is no 0813 my time...sorry if some people have to sleep.
Author seraphim mom Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 Also its kinda rude when I just found this site like 2 days ago and for the past 4 months I've been going thru this kinda on my own, I mean my lawyer god knows what he is doing since anytime we have a sit down with the lawyers my h always ends up getting his way and paying a pitance for child support. My therapist wants to just make sure I'm not to depressed, I have no on in az at all the only person I know is like my husband since I have distanced myself from all my old co workers, and all my other friends are back home in ca, deployed, or some where in the u.s or world since they pcs'd. So I'm kinda on my own and all I'm asking for is maybe support and info. I knew I shouldn't have posted
boldjack Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 OP, as it stands right now, it's your word against that of your co-worker. You have no proof that anything illegal happened, so your ex-husband did not believe you, and thinks that you cheated with a black guy, is that basically what is going on? If so , you have probably no chance of reconciliation, if your husband isn't willing to participate in any form of counseling. I'm sorry, but there it is. Do you have any witnesses to back up your story. It would go a long way to easing your ex's anger, if you had at least one piece of evidence that you are telling the truth. I think that first, you get a lawyer that YOU trust, and find out why you were interviewed by a male officer instead of a female as you requested. Then make sure that your husband knows IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS, that you did not willingly engage in bad behavior. Have you ever cheated on your husband, before? Where did the rape take place? If you are to have any hope, you must be strong and smart and get all of your facts straight. It's YOUr life. You must take charge. You should not want to be known as a s**t, but as a victim of rape. We are all here to help. but you must give us enough info to understand the situation. Good Luck
Auroracoladybug Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Whoa!!! You need the support and the understanding...nobody is judging you...they don't understand all of this and even you don't...take the criticism and let it roll of your back and get the advice you want...please take a breath and realize that many of us truly care. When I first posted it took a couple of weeks for some to really understand what I was saying and where I was coming from...please keep posting
Gunny376 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 As in real life and real time ~ your going to get different reactions from different people. If you touch another person ~ without them wanting them to touch you? Legally that's assault. A lot of people would say,.......................phhhhffff to that, But technically and legally its assault. The proverbial putting a finger upon someone. When it crosses the line between assault>sexual assault>to rape are lines of demarcation? Usually in the eyes of the vicitim. Usually in the eyes and mind of the person that was assaulted/raped. It matters not, in that you initially posted about your DH's repsonse to your having been raped. No one here can say you were or not? For that a trial would have to be held with evidence to such? What is at issue here is your DH's reaction to such? Blaming you (as if you went out an hanged a bill-board on yourself saying "Rape Me") for having been raped. What is and isn't rape is subjective ~ but here it matters not. What matters is that in your mind you were. And what matters in this fourm is how to reconcile such with the DH.
boldjack Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Well, "Gunny", I served in the old 173rd Abn Bde, and have had to bail out Marines too many times. So I'm not really impressed.
Gunny376 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Well, "Gunny", I served in the old 173rd Abn Bde, and have had to bail out Marines too many times. So I'm not really impressed. You did yours and I did mine! I could really care! Just damn glad I had a Marine covering my twelve, three, six and nine!
boldjack Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Hmmmm, most Marines can't even spell twelve, three , six and nine, let alone cover it. I'm just kidding. Just a little good-natured ribbing. At least you're not AF or Navy, those guys don't do anything.:D
Author seraphim mom Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 Hey all well just got back from seeing my lawyer, I lawyerd up the second he did, and I think we had a good meeting, he wants this to get done a.s.a.p so me and the girls can move back home, and the fact that in az its only supposed to take 90 days and I think we are past that. I don't know if I have any witnesses, since by the time I really came too everyone was gone.....I bet he shoed them out pretty quick, I did have a hand mark on my neck since what I do remember is trying to get away but really couldn't since my whole body felt heavy and wierd, from when he flipped me over and pushed my face into the couch......and I did bleed pretty bad after the attack for a couple of days but I don't know. And after that I quit my job real quick and stopped talking to the people I used to work with. I never have ever cheated on him he is just going off past relationships and the fact I have many male friends from my time in the army. And just the fact that he is horribly paranoid and jealous. And I don't know I requested a female officer more than once since I wasn't comfortable telling what happened to me to a male. But yeah thanks for the support, and I don't know what to do I mean this a totally new thing for me, and I wouldn't wisj it on my enemy.
Author seraphim mom Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 I hate having to deal with him but I have to twice a day 6 days a week since we have a daughter together....it just makes me mad that he has totally abandoned my other child even though when she sees him she goes " daddy's home!" And then its like when he picks up the baby and drops her off he either yells and threatens me or he acts lik everything is great and he is 10 times happier now than he was when we were together....when he does that it hurts 10 times worse, just seeing him like that makes me feel so unimportant and tossable, like in the whole time we were together I never did anything for him to love me and have him think I was worth something and special......just depressed and babbling.
Author seraphim mom Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 Also tomorow is my stbxh birthday, what do I do? Do I recognize that it is his bday or pretend like its just another day?
Auroracoladybug Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Also tomorow is my stbxh birthday, what do I do? Do I recognize that it is his bday or pretend like its just another day? If he is acting like an a$$ then it is just another day...if he says something than just say happy birthday and leave it at that with no emotion.
Author seraphim mom Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 Thanks its just weird since this will be the first bday that we haven't spent with eachother in 3 years, even when the army had us at diff bases we always made it for the bday....its also another special day he has ruined....to include our daughters first bday, halloween, and the upcoming thanksgiving...I'm just hopeing he remembers how great I made his badys and come home.....because they were pretty awesome.....goshjumble of thoughts and emotions
boldjack Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Seraphim, Why did the cops say that this was a case of "buyers remorse",? I want you to know that I believe that what happened to you was assualt, but I'm just trying to get a grasp on the chain of events.
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