USMCHokie Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 While responding to another thread, I stumbled upon something that has been on my mind lately...is there a difference between accepting that a relationship is over and getting over an ex? I've long accepted that my relationship with my ex was over...yet I don't feel like I'm over her...even though I know she probably won't speak to me again... (we're NC almost 2 months now and she has the option of contact again) She still feels like a person I could spend the rest of my life with, and I tell myself that she's just going through a tough time in her life...but at the same time, if she loved me enough, she'd want me there to support her through it...but flipping the coin again, there are some things that people have to figure out and go through on their own without the stress of a relationship... So many conflicting feelings, thoughts, and emotions... Can you really accept that there will be no second chance and yet not be over that person? Or are we just fooling ourselves...? If you aren't over that person, then you're not fully accepting that the relationship is over...? Just curious...
GrayClouds Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Can you really accept that there will be no second chance and yet not be over that person? Or are we just fooling ourselves...? If you aren't over that person, then you're not fully accepting that the relationship is over...? Just curious... Fooling yourself but that is ok for a little while. Fake it until you make it true. It is when you get to the point that you not even thinking about her is when you are healed. It takes time so be kind to yourself as you get there.
Taucher Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Yes, I think it IS possible to get over a relationship before being over an ex. Sometimes you have to face facts and admit that the relationship is over and sometimes it is so obvious that it is over that you cannot deny that fact any longer. Does not mean that you stop being in love with the ex though. I am not convinced that anyone ever really truly gets over their ex. I still think about my previous ex from before my most recent ex. I still wonder what she is up too occassionally and still regret the mistakes I made in our relationship even though with hindsight I realise I was not really in love with her. I was over her in about 3 weeks when she left me in Jan 2004. But we spent 5 years together which is going to always be a massive part of my life. T
Ilovecake Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Accepting That It's Over is a big step on the way to being over your ex.
rickigal Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I believe that it is possible to accept that the relationship is over WAY before you actually get over the ex. I think I am at that point now. I no longer think he will come crawling back to me or obsess about it. I do think about him and still love him and miss him but I know logically and in my heart that it will never be again.
4givrnt4gtr Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 You know ive been asking myself the same question lately. I wonder how is it that I finally have come to terms with the fact that rationally, we will never be together again, yet I still believe he is one of the best people ive met. I do accept that I still love him, I miss him once in a while, but it is quite liberating to know one thing for sure. What we had is in the past and we could never be together again As someone else said, there are people you wont fully "forget" or completely get over. Usually these are the people that influenced us to a great extend and made us better people. Sometimes, as is the case with my ex, we think they are the best thing since sliced bread, sometimes they have behaved horribly yet still got to you. Actually, thinking of it, there has been one other guy I fell really hard for a while back. I dont think i ever fully got over him, but after a while I realized he wasnt good for me and was able to let him go. A few weeks ago i found out he is getting married and though it kinda stung a little, im still happy for him. So....yeah i think there is a difference, but i dont think you're fooling yourself. Sometimes just getting over the hope is hard enough as it is so dont think it means nothing.
hellopack Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I think you have raised a really interesting question here. In my circumstances, I can fully accept my relationship is over. I realised my ex lied and cheated on me and therefore there is no way I would ever want to get back with her. I put her on a pedalstool when I went out with her, I was really proud to call her my g/f but now realise that during the last few months of our relationship she changed from the person that admired into someone else who I now pity. However, it is still difficult getting over her. I havent dwelled on the past at all, however I still feel sad about the fact our future plans about getting married and having children together are gone. I also worry if I will ever meet anyone else again and realise these plans. When I was speaking to my mum about it, she summed it up really well. When a relationship ends in a way its as if that person has died. You still have the memories but all your future plans have been lost. The only difference is in this case that person is still alive just living their life without you. For me, after I split up with her, my mates invested a lot of time in me and I was always busy. I began to think pretty soon afterwards I was over her. Now its only when I am quiet that I dwell on the breakup, when I am busy I am completly fine and dont give it or her a second thought. The grieving process takes time. Its easy to say I know but from what I can see from reading the posts on here things do get better just at different speeds fro different people. I just try and remember, I lived a perfectly happy life without here before we met and I am capable of doing the same again in the future.
Author USMCHokie Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 I understand what everyone is saying, but if you're truly not over an ex, wouldn't that mean that somewhere inside you, there's a part of you that still yearns for that feeling to love them and have that love returned...? Even though I've accepted that it's over, what if she comes back...? I know I would have an easier time saying I wouldn't take her back now since I don't have that expectation of her return, but if she actually came back...? To be honest, I don't think I could say no...because I'm not over her yet... Does that mean I'm not fully accepting that the relationship is over...? The heart strings I have attach me to the idea of her...not necessarily the relationship itself...I'm slowly realizing that I'm not as far along in the healing process as I originally thought... I guess this pertains more to where practical matters, circumstances, or just time ruined a relationship, rather than misconduct by one or both parties...or maybe not...I'm not sure anymore...
SummerLady Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 This is interesting. With my first love I intellectually knew the relationship was over but in my heart I may have felt it was not completely done. Secretly wishing but not outwardly showing it...Which in turn means I was not over him. So for me I say no. You have to know and feel the realtionship is over to get over the ex period. Ones comes with the other when it comes to the heart. Its a complete package. It took me a long long time..
4givrnt4gtr Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 hmmm interesting.... But ok, let me give you the opposite example. My current ex's ex gf cheated on him and ended their 5 year relationship. It took him literally at most a month to not want her back, even though she came crying to him. Yet, he still to this day is not over what happened. He isnt over the fact that someone could throw away 5 years just like that. For a while he thought he wanted a friendship with her, he went to a party where she was as well and their mutual friends kept telling him she still loved him. Again, though it hurt him to hear it, he wouldnt hear of it. After that he decided he didnt even want a friendship with her. His issue wasnt her (though i believe it was but thats my issue). He swore up and down that he was over her, but was having a hard time letting go of the actual relationship. Does that make sense? I guess in his mind he didnt love her anymore but couldnt accept that he had failed at maintaining the relationship. In any case, either way whether you're over the relationship and not the ex or the ex and not the relationship the point is that you're still half way thru the process...until you are able to say you are fully over both things, consider yourself still grieving and processing. (And for the record, yeah we did break up because of that, along with other practical issues like him moving 500 miles away, but truth be told, his heart was still occupied with his past, so there was no place for me. Therefore, unless you're 100% over the whole thing, dont attempt a new relationship, otherwise an innocent bystander will pay the brunt of it)
sedgwick Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 After 2.5 years, I have accepted that it's over with my ex. It doesn't mean I'm over him, but it helps. It took me a long time to get there, but one day recently I suddenly found myself (very!) attracted to someone else. I never thought this would happen, but now I think I might rather be with this new person than my ex.
Confused_Chump Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 (edited) This is such an interesting question and really makes you dig deep down to determine whether or not you're over your last relationship. It's been about 4 months since we said our goodbyes and I think I am at the point where I accept the fact that the relationship is over, but at the same time I am not over her. I still care and love for her since we left on good terms and there are times during the day where I think about her and wonder what she's up to. So in my case, I am half way to being healed, but the latter half is going to take me a long time I suspect. Edited November 12, 2009 by Confused_Chump
nobleguy Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Even though I've accepted that it's over, what if she comes back...? I know I would have an easier time saying I wouldn't take her back now since I don't have that expectation of her return, but if she actually came back...? To be honest, I don't think I could say no...because I'm not over her yet... Does that mean I'm not fully accepting that the relationship is over...? That sums it up for me. Your head may have logically accepted that it is over, but your heart still wants it all back again. I'm definitely in this position. It hasn't helped me in that despite our awful spiteful arguments she was still thinking about a reconcilliation last week (!?). It's almost like (although she dumped me...twice) she can't let go either... I have this uneasy feeling that in three-six months I'll be doing so much better and willl have made lots of progress, but then if I got a certain text or call from her to test the waters I might cave in again... My heart wants her to come back (and still thinks she might...) but my head is telling me it would be a disaster. I've (kind of) accepted that it's over, but I'm nowhere near being over her at all.
bluestraps Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I think the stages of loss do apply here. If you are wanting the person back, and feel there may be a chance, you may fall behind after realizing that its really over Accepting that its over is first before being over themAnd as life goes by other people and events take the place of thoes people and feelings. There's also some cases where your ex really was the one for you, they leave you and you may never get over it. This is where my head is at right now. My relationship is really like a divorce though because it was 10 years we were togtherwhich had the same ups and downs a marriage would have.It sometimes feels like with all the people in the world , once you've found that person you just dont feel you can ever have the same feeling with another person.
sean1970 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 After 2.5 years, I have accepted that it's over with my ex. It doesn't mean I'm over him, but it helps. It took me a long time to get there, but one day recently I suddenly found myself (very!) attracted to someone else. I never thought this would happen, but now I think I might rather be with this new person than my ex. Did it take you over two years to accept it?
sean1970 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 It sometimes feels like with all the people in the world , once you've found that person you just dont feel you can ever have the same feeling with another person. I have felt the same... I'm not sure how therapeutic this is but I have started to envision my new Girlfriend. What she would look like, how she would act, how she would get along with my family. I have found that what I am also doing in process is realizing the differences this new girl has with my ex. In other words, it has shown me, if not in a direct way, what I did not particularly care for about my ex.
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