Why did I do that.... 10 steps fwd, 3 back...

[kickintheaz]

Hey all,

 

first time poster, but have found a lot of the threads here very useful in the last few weeks..

 

briefly, broke up earlier in the year, did NC, then LC, then NC, (did the Gym, got fit and healthy again, finally got the dog I (we) always wanted, looked after number 1 basically) then in the last month we went back to LC, I was the dumper earlier in the year (commitment issues).. realised over the months I wanted her back (as my commitment issues were b/s and I know I wanna marry this girl, and I know she wanted to marry me too, then I couldn't commit) hence recent LC, told her how I felt and what I wanted, literally put every card I have on the table... initially she resisted and that has moved into 'I need time and am thinking on it'... told her she can have time but I ain't waiting round forever..(had previously dated whilst on NC, confidence booster more than anything and I can't spend another 6 months wondering what shes thinking)

the initiation of contact varies, last month it was me, then she txts a few days later, that gives rise to another conversation where she is not sure loves me enough to try again, leave it a week then she had some family difficulties and who did she call?? and who answered.. yep, me!.. it kinda goes like this for the last 5 weeks...

 

anyway, was a heartwrenching few weeks, even worse than the original breakup.. but I've no regrets bout pouring my heart out, have done all I can in the begging/pleading stakes now

 

she calls me friday, 'wanna go to cinema?'.. well, like a lot of people here, ya know its nice to see them,(however hard it might be) so I did tonight. Nice meal, like old times, with no romantic stuff/looks/touches.. crap film (all about relationship issues..) and then a few kisses on the cheeks and a couple of hugs and home (alone.. again).. she txt me when home to thank me for a lovely evening..

 

feel like crap, again.. not back to square one but certainly a few steps back. I know she'd originally said she'd love to stay friends, but I realise now that that is more to help her potentially transition me into 2nd place, and I am deffo not going there, I am better than that and will not be downgraded again (was for a little while in earlier LC and realised the error of my ways)

 

Why do women play these games? I know if she's thinking on it, she may be watching all I do and say to try and see if I am that person she wanted to marry a while back (before commit issues surfaced) and I know it could take time and patience as she slowly builds trust/attraction etc.. problem I am facing, I'm 32 and she's near 35, so I know theres possibility of her feeling time is not on her side to achieve marriage and kids soon, and I know she could take me back just to 'settle' for me as she now knows I want the same as her (which I seriously doubt I could handle.. a half hearted marriage? no thanks!)..

 

I really don't know what I need to know now, I think I'm just trying to formulate all this into something on a screen to try get clarity... she has told me recently she hasn't moved on as far or as fast as she is letting on, that its just an act, we were 3+ years together and we survived indifelity, serious family issues, work issues (Where we met).. I know or at least feel she is the one for me and I am thinking positively (well up to tonight) cos she gives no indication she even REMEMBERS the conversations, but obviously she does, its the big white elephant in the room when we're together..

 

I am half thinking of slipping away from LC now and back into NC.. but this far along into a break up (circa 5/6 months) and with me spilling my heart out last month, I not sure if thats the way to go. I know I will wake up tomorrow and be back to my confident happyish self, knowing I can get thru at least a couple of days of NC with no great issues, as I have filled my life up with distractions now.. so I am not doing NC this time round purely to fix me, I'm prob a good ways there now, but days like today are a pain in the proverbials.. I think I'll be doing it to see what she is feeling, will she call? will she txt/email? whilst that can be construed as 'mind games' me iniating contact does nothing, its like I'm not allowed mention the elephant, she rolls her eyes and says very little...

 

I removed her from my electronic life a few months back (and her friends) from facebook, no more joke emails sent from work, however she still comments on my friends pics.. (she barely saw em when we were together, but thats more how me and my friends operate, catch ups once a month or two as we are spread all over and it works for us, she and her friends are on the phone and other mediums at least once a day.. (thats a girl thing though I think!)..

 

I digress.. anyway, to sum up, I am confused, annoyed that I may be being strung along again til she decides its time to tell me she just wants friendship (she isn't dating at the moment, though she did briefly, and has made a point of telling me this) and also weirdly hopeful that she'll come round and realise she does want me..

 

TO NC or NOT TO NC?? I think that is the question now... (Unless anyone else can think of any others please?)

 

thanks for reading my ramblings if ya get this far!!!

[brokenrightnow]

hi. I am going through similar situation. my bf broke up with me 2 weeks ago. pretty much because he is afraid of the next step (marriage/kids), commitment issues.

 

would like more insight on what you were thinking. and how long before you realized you made a mistake?

 

what led you to break up with her? what were you thinking...did she do something in particular? was this something you were thinking fo doing or did it just happen?

 

I'd like to know becasue this will bring some closure to my situation.

[kickintheaz]

hi. I am going through similar situation. my bf broke up with me 2 weeks ago. pretty much because he is afraid of the next step (marriage/kids), commitment issues.

 

would like more insight on what you were thinking. and how long before you realized you made a mistake?

 

what led you to break up with her? what were you thinking...did she do something in particular? was this something you were thinking fo doing or did it just happen?

 

I'd like to know becasue this will bring some closure to my situation.

 

hi there, well I can understand where you are at so, having seen it in my ex and I am sorry to hear you have to go through this.. Men can be asses when it comes to commitment stuff...

 

I'll try make this a little clearer than my first post: well within a year and a half we were talking marriage, kids, house together etc, not definite plans, just how cool its gonna be for us.. what happened in march was, I think, typical of a lot of us guys, she seemed to have an endless amount of friends havin babys around that time and all our conversations suddenly started focusing on that one topic, I felt like everything else we had was gone and there was suddenly one goal. I did talk to her about it but she dismissed it as just 'making conversation'.. [From my point of view i had a previous ex in my early 20s who I was very serious with initially, bought houses together and that, but she was going thru a divorce at the time (Was separated when we moved in together) and she kinda turned me against marriage etc, my recent ex changed that until this year when the thoughts of being 'trapped' surfaced again, briefly I might add].

 

I was working elsewhere at the time then and all my friends were single and me and ex weren't spending the time together that I knew we should so when we did it was full on chats bout kids etc.. (in my mind, could be completely wrong about that..)

 

I decided one day after a few nights out with the lads (and not being fully compes mentes with a hangover) that I needed to talk to her so I dropped her an email (wrong wrong wrong, have learned since to talk face2face) telling her we should talk and as i hit 'send' i realised I had basically written a break up email.. she wrote back and I think we may have talked on the phone that night and then nothing for prob 5/6 weeks. then LC for a while, during this time I started to calm down, had settled into the new job and life i had, stopped goin out 24/7, started gettin fit and healthy again and began to really really think.. I think I knew after about 3 months I had erred seriously but took another 3 to have the guts to go tell her.

 

I have sat and listed everything I want in my life and she has seen all this now. She knows what I want and to be honest, from one or two conversations we have had, I think she is very confused now listening to me talking about playing with my friends kids and how I can't wait to have my own...

 

I basically did a 180 over 6 months and am happy with what I want now. Its not panicking, its not to fill the void, its what I want. I have read so much these last few weeks and talked to so many people about it and have asked myself and been asked every question under the sun and then some... All I need to complete my picture of life is her!.

 

Now, what advice can I offer you? well, has he admitted that he is just scared or has he definitely said that he doesn't want the next step? very different, scared is a fear and can be allayed with a chat, definitely not wanting it could be exactly that, which is a difficult place to start from or could be just that he is scared and cannot articulate it..

 

has he contacted you in the last 2 weeks?

 

Have you tried to talk to him about the issues, I am presuming its a long termer ye guys have and he could be just at that point where he has single mates goin out every week and he thinks by actually committing to you now he will 'lose' the potential for his independence... (and make no mistake, we will commit initially to being a boyfriend, as soon as wedding bells start to toll in the distance that is a whole other commitment we have to consider, I don't believe its as natural a transition for some guys as for girls)

 

If his friends are single, there is a chance they are filling his head with 'the grass is greener over here' type scenarios, I know my friends did, (but they did not have the full info on how I felt about ex at the time and they have since told me they would NOT have let me carry on the way I did, neglecting her, if they even thought we were headin for the aisle)

hope he has the sense not to take it to heart.

 

Now, having read so so much on this and other forums (and about a dozen books I bought!) NC may be the way to go for you now, if you are already in it, stick with it. if you are not, start. Unless your situation does not lend itself to that (shared home, kids etc, then try LC and make sure it is about the common thing ye have, not relationship stuff) He's not going to forget you in a matter of weeks. Maybe he needs time to think about what he wants in life, if he is mature enough, he will, believe me. At the moment time is on your side, if you still truly want to be with him, it may happen, I do not want to give false hope, so get out there and do the things for you that you want. You derive your happiness from you so go and be happy. I know it sucks, big time, but right now the ball is in his court, any pleading/begging on your behalf prob won't work ( I know if my ex had I would've dismissed it).

Now, there is an important point to make. WHEN he does want to talk to you you need complete clarity on what he wants and remember actions prove it not words. There is a tendency if he comes back and asks to go again, you jump at it. But, you now have to rebuild the trust in him that he won't do this again, you need to know that if he promises you the sun, moon and stars, that he actually will deliver on it. You do not want to be back here in 3 months time. Why do I say this? march was the 2nd time I had commitment issues, 6 months before we had a mini break cos I was getting scared again, but I got her back after being somewhat of the 'dumper'.. I guess after march I thought, I click my fingers, she'll come back.. but nope, she is protecting herself now and I completely understand that. I burned her twice, bad things happen in 3's.. so why wouldn't she expect me to go there again..

Be careful for you, mind yourself, you are probably in emotional hell right now, he may and I hope he does, realise the error of his ways and want to reconcile, if that is what you want, set your boundaries, get your answers and go for it, but unless ye both go back in 100% it will more than likely fail. remember 'Never sign up to something under someones else conditions in compromise of your own'.

If he does not, well m'dear, you have loved and lost and will have valuable lessons tucked under your belt for when that special someone really does walk into your life.

 

Is there any clarity in all that rambling? apologies, I think I have too much goin on in my head and whilst trying to answer you I guess I am also trying to clear it up for me..

 

whatever happens, stay strong, positive (which can be hard at times I know) and keep the eye on the prize.. you know what direction you want your life to go in, if he has any sense he will realise his is the same, I heard a good one the other day bout breakups/reconciliations etc

 

"Expect Everything but wait for Nothing"..

 

kinda how I living my days, well, a goodly portion of them!

[mundane mind]

wow, i just want to say thank you. My bf broke up with me a few months ago for the same reason...commitment issues so that was a good read for me.

 

To answer your question...I think you should do NC. Do NC but tell her that you are doing NC because you respect her request that she needs time. You have to be clear in saying though that you are not necessarily waiting for her. That you will go on with your life, not really proactively look for someone but is open if someone comes along.

 

I really think that she needs time. You have to understand that you broke this girls heart twice. You have to realize that you are the one who in a way have strung her along for months and now you are being impatient with only one month in the waiting. Ask yourself again, do you really want this girl or do you just want to get married?

[kickintheaz]

thanks mundane mind for your reply. Sorry to hear you were a 'victim of one of us'! Hope ya doin ok?

 

I think you are right, things looked different this morning and although she has already mailed me to 'see how I slept' and other trivial stuff i have not replied. If I tell her I am going NC then it will be face to face, she deserves that rather than more electronic messages. Good point on the not waiting for her, I do want to live as if she is gone forever (if only to stop further heartbreak down the road if it ends like that) but tis easier typed than done!

 

I know she needs time and you are correct, I probably have been a bit guilty of stringing her along too and yes I am impatient... kinda hypocritical eh? gave her all this info she didn't have before about me and want her to act on it NOW... just cos i've made my peace with it I expect her to do the same..

 

As to your last question, that was one of the hardest ones I asked myself in the last few months and I have had several friends ask me it too (constantly!). Absolutely yes to both questions: I want to get married, I know that now, but not to just anyone, I want that elusive 'one' to be standing beside me when I do it and I do know, 100% with not a shred of doubt in my mind, that ex is that girl.... which kinda puts anyone else at a disadvantage were this girl to remain lost to me.. oh dear, that is some bridge I hope I never have to cross!!!

[brokenrightnow]

kickintheaz--- wow, thank you so much for your insight.

 

he called me and told me he wante dto talk, only after I deleted him from facebook.

 

 

we talked and he told me that-- he is afraid if the next step right now, he is afraid that we may be married down teh road and have a change of heart...blah blah..

 

his roomate also broke up with his girlfriend a week before we did. Both of them are livign single life, going out every night and getting drunk. So I am sute they both sit down and talk about their relationships and "egg" eachother on.

 

he told me he still loved me and he knew we wer egoing to be fine. But I told him...'no! I am no going to sit here and wait.'

 

So right now I've cut him off completely, I have deleted him from Facebook, email, phone, and taken down all our pictures. He is dead to me. He knows where to find me.

 

kickintheaz-- any way I can talk to you in private? I'd like to aks you more questions...if its possible.

[kickintheaz]

hi brokenrightnow.. welcome..

 

well, first off at least he's given some reason, albeit its a b/s one.. thats him showing he's scared of the future, but sure we're human, we're meant to not know whats coming down the road... once I realised that I severely deposited my foot in my derrier...

 

as to roommate breaking up too, well you hit the nail on the head they are possibly treating their breakups the same and as 2 diffferent people in 2 different relationships thats not right.. been there done that, and hopefully yours wakes up not hungover one day and realises what he's missing and what he wants..

 

and well done to you. That is the strongest and bravest response you could give. and best option. He will think about the implications of what you have done and may see sense, but until he is willing to have a grown up responsible and respectful conversation then keep nc. When I deleted my ex from f/b, i got nothing!.. when I deleted her friends one of em mailed me wondering what she had done... !!

 

I can't pm here as not on long enough, but catch me at [email protected] and I'll try help any way I can..

[brokenrightnow]

kickintheaz-- just sent you an email. thanks!

[kickintheaz]

ok quick update.. its the anniversary of the passing of one of her family, had discussed this with her a week ago (reason being we went on our mini break this time last year and I neglected to remember it so I made a conscious effort this year to question her on the exact date).. I mailed her earlier to just tell her I was thinking of her today and hope she is ok... I know I know, breaking the rules, can;t even do 1 dam day!.. I didn't even think when she rang me then I just picked up, had a pleasant 20 min conversation where she thanked me for being so thoughful but no mentioning the elephant in the room and it finished with her saying that she'll give me a call during the week. now thats the call I will have to be careful about picking up as I do not want to slip back into the whole circle of she can ring for a friendly chat when she wants, she knows there is only one thing I want to have a proper conversation about...

 

Now, I'm not sad, regretful I did it or anything like that, in fact it made me smile a little inside, I guess when we do nice things for those we love we're allowed feel like that?

 

I know its not the call one wants, no talk of reconciling, working on things, even meeting up in the near future to discuss things, but look, I'm a softie, I freely admit that now, I did a nice thing in her eyes and she knows how I feel about her so yeah this reinforces that, yeah she might feed off the attention, yes, she may have me where she wants me, but right now, I not thinking about that...

 

in fact I'm thinking more about the compliment i received on f/book before the phonecall from a female ex work colleague (where there is NO romantic links and nor will there be, just friends) who I met on friday night when I went to a birthday party.. proper confidence booster!!! (and probably came at the right time for me!)

 

just thought I'd share.. in case anyone is in a similar type position and is wondering what to do.. I went with the contact route on a day close to her heart and whether it works or pushes her further away, who knows.. its that far into the break up that I may never change her mind, but if theres even a glimmer then so be it.. I have a timeframe in my head for absolutely strict no contact when all hope is lost and I am working towards that, on that date I will be in a position where I am happy with who I am and what i have done, I willl have no regrets about my actions and I will confidently and happily accept the reality presented to me and move on.

Even typing that is something I could not have done 3 weeks ago.. I am healing and I have a lot of posters on this site to thank for that... reading others words of advice/encouragement has given me the strength to be in this position today.. so thanks all!

[sean1970]

kickintheaz

 

I hear what you are saying, and I think many here (including myself) have been exactly where you have been and are now...

 

The questions still needs to be asked (maybe even to yourself if I may be so bold); do you really think you are at the point where you can be just friends with her (if all the current emotions you write about are accurate and honest, then there are indications that this is what is happening) or are you hoping for that 'magic moment' where she realizes she wants to be with you?

[kickintheaz]

sean.. thanks for input

 

 

NOPE... I thought about it a lot today, i have something in work she asked me to pick up for her last week and I mailed to say I would drop it by this eve (I know I know, doormat!).. anyway she started suggestin meeting at the weekend to walk our dogs or she'd pop by and pick it up and I thought, nope, can't do it, not another pseudo friend meeting,,, so I mailed her,. told her we need to talk a bit, if she is seriously considering what i have told her over the last month then we need boundaries (I.e. time in NC before meeting again).. I feel its slipping into friendship again and I get the impression she is hoping by not addressing the issue at hand that we will comfortably become lifelong friends and she won't have to face this reality i have given her. I cannot do that, I will not go through another 7 months or more of turmoil... we cannot be friends, I understand now why, I love her too much, if she thinks she loves me we owe it to ourselves to make it work as a couple.. if there is nothing left then that is it, I will take what i have accomplished so far and continue to move on but without her in my life... it is getting too frustrating and my thoughts are consumed again by her today.. I wish she'd just dam well ring, (or lol, turn up at the door!)..

 

I wish I was Data in star trek and could turn off my emotion chip, wouldn't life be grand then!!!

[sean1970]

I wish I was Data in star trek and could turn off my emotion chip, wouldn't life be grand then!!!

 

And you are speaking to a lifer Star Trek Fan

 

My wish has been a time machine, however. I think that regret has been harder for me to deal with than the breakup itself. Still so very hard not to blame myself for the breakup...

[kickintheaz]

ha ha..

 

well I guess I AM to blame for ny breakup, stoopid commitment issues.. when/if she rings later she is getting it one more time, if she can't be happy with me we have to find happiness apart.....