lissar Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 I've been reading a bunch of the boards on this site in the past few days and many people say, "if they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you" if you decide to continue a relationship with them once both of you are single. I'm a MW thinking about divorce, for reasons not related to the separated MM I was slightly involved with (I haven't seen him in two months now). My h doesn't know about this other guy because we were long distance at the time. I've been in LC then NC since the h has been here, and we're working on our relationship. So when thinking about what others say about people who cheat, and knowing what I did, am I doomed? Whether I stay in this marriage or enter a new relationship at some point in the future? I think the fact I was with this other guy was more of a symptom of other issues...and now I wonder if I'm the one now who's always going to be the cheat.
whichwayisup Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 If you don't want to cheat again, get help. Understand WHY you cheated, face those issues, whether it be your confidence level, or not communicating your needs properly, take responsibility for it and do whatever is necessary to change so you DON'T cheat again in the future, whether it be on your husband or someone else (if you and your H don't work out). People CAN change, but they have to want to change.
datura_noir Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Most people who are in long term marriages or relationships have contemplated a love affair with someone else. Yes they do. Evevn those who say they don't. It is my personal belief that this is a normal process when tied to one person for so long. You tend to question if the person you are with is really "the one". But, (and isn't there always a but?), as an adult, we must make the most effort in renewing and refurbishing our marriages. Why? Well, unless you are in a physically abusive situation, or financially, or your mate is a serial philanderer, you CAN put the effort forth to find what it was you once had. It's not easy, but nothing worthwhile is. You are no longer in "dating mode", you are married. Growing up sucks sometimes, doesn't it? During the time my husband was having his affair, (and I was unaware), I found myself magnetically drawn to a beautiful man. I saw him at the store one day, and we just locked eyes, never let go. He followed me to see where I lived, and I searched for him every weekend and found him. Not a word was spoken between us. But I knew that feeling of fireworks. I also knew what I would be doing would be wrong, and so I never pursued any further. I am so happy I didn't, as my H and I have something that cannot be replaced. It is precious, and it is so sad that it took infidelity on his part to realize that.
datura_noir Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I just wanted to add, also, that not all people who cheat are repeat offenders. If you focus on yourself and why you allowed such a breach in your relationship, I think you will grow, and hopefully not repeat your mistakes. You can be a faithful and loving wife.
MizzBlue72 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I don't think that all people who cheat once will cheat again. I cheated once. I learned a huge lesson - I'm horrible at it, it hurts too much and I can't do it again. I know that when I make a promise now - I will keep that promise because I WANT to.
ADF Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I've been reading a bunch of the boards on this site in the past few days and many people say, "if they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you" if you decide to continue a relationship with them once both of you are single. I'm a MW thinking about divorce, for reasons not related to the separated MM I was slightly involved with (I haven't seen him in two months now). My h doesn't know about this other guy because we were long distance at the time. I've been in LC then NC since the h has been here, and we're working on our relationship. So when thinking about what others say about people who cheat, and knowing what I did, am I doomed? Whether I stay in this marriage or enter a new relationship at some point in the future? I think the fact I was with this other guy was more of a symptom of other issues...and now I wonder if I'm the one now who's always going to be the cheat. Most people who cheat do it repeatedly. The best guide to what someone is likely to do in the future is what they've done in the past. It's not a perfect guide, but it is usually better guide than what people say. If you think your situation is different, maybe it is. I wouldn't talk about it to future partners, however.
OWoman Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Most people who cheat do it repeatedly. This is an untested assertion. Provide evidence, from proper scientific studies, and someone might be more inclined to believe you. Especially since what you say next contradicts it: The best guide to what someone is likely to do in the future is what they've done in the past. If this WERE the case, no one would ever "cheat", since there'd never be a first time - their behaviour would forever be guided by their past behaviour (of not cheating) so they'd never get to take that first step of cheating the first time. Lissar, it's up to you. No one is doomed by their past actions. You can do things differently - if you want to, and if you understand what made you act that way in the first place. If you had needs that were not being met, and chose to meet them that way, you will need to consider what those needs were, and why you didn't address the unmet need in another way. It's perfectly possible for people who "cheated" once not to do so again. Many of us can cite examples of people we know well who've done so - and there are countless examples on LS too. If you're seriously worried that this is somehow out of your hands, then consult a counsellor. Take back the power in your own life. You are not a slave to fate.
stuckinoz Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I do not believe the "Once A Cheater Always A Cheater" theory. But, I do believe that if you have cheated & or been cheated on - you are much more cautious with your next relationship. You don't blindly trust. I see it this way - If you learn your "Lesson" so to speak, as I did, you won't ever cheat again. In my situation, the hurt all around - Everyone - was way too painful to ever put myself in a situation such as that ever again.
silktricks Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I've been reading a bunch of the boards on this site in the past few days and many people say, "if they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you" if you decide to continue a relationship with them once both of you are single. I'm a MW thinking about divorce, for reasons not related to the separated MM I was slightly involved with (I haven't seen him in two months now). My h doesn't know about this other guy because we were long distance at the time. I've been in LC then NC since the h has been here, and we're working on our relationship. So when thinking about what others say about people who cheat, and knowing what I did, am I doomed? Whether I stay in this marriage or enter a new relationship at some point in the future? I think the fact I was with this other guy was more of a symptom of other issues...and now I wonder if I'm the one now who's always going to be the cheat. The idea that anyone is doomed to always repeat bad behavior is a falacy. No one "must" do amything. The reason people say that a person who has cheated will cheat is that they have shown in one instance that their coping skills may not be the greatest, and should be worked on. Some people never do that work, others do. Since you have cheated and don't want to do so again, you should work on your coping and communication skills for both your present and future relationships.
Fallen Angel Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I cheated once early in my marriage. I did it as a "get even" response to finding out my husband had been carrying on a long term affair that started two months after we married and lasted through my entire resulting pregnancy and through our child's first year. I was heartbroken, destroyed emotionally, and had a "fling" with his best friend (a very short EA *3 weeks* followed by an even shorter PA *we had sex twice in 24 hrs*) I felt so guilty afterwards that I admitted the affair to my husband and never cheated again over the course of our next 15 years despite his multiple affairs, drinking, drugging and emotional and physical abuse of me. In the last year of our marriage, I engaged in an EA with My now MM. I did not have a PA with My MM until after I had been away from my now xH for a few months. So, "once a cheater always a cheater"? Perhaps, but cheating is not in my nature, and I have absolutely no desire to go outside of the relationship I have with My MM. I can not imagine being with another man, I have no desire to even spend time with another man, let alone have sex with someone else. *shrug* So, I would say based on what I KNOW (which is only what I personally experience), I would say that old saying is NOT ALWAYS THE TRUTH! P.S. My mother was an OW to her MM for many years, as soon as his divorce was final, he married my mother. To my knowledge neither of them have ever so much as looked at another person since they fell in love. They have been like siamese twins for so long, hurting the each other would be inconcieveable to them.
boldjack Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I have never subscribed to the theory that "once a cheater,Etc) I was a serial cheater, but am not now. I cheated numerous times, with numerous women, but have been completely faithful with my present wife.
Fallen Angel Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I have never subscribed to the theory that "once a cheater,Etc) I was a serial cheater, but am not now. I cheated numerous times, with numerous women, but have been completely faithful with my present wife. Good for you Bold, you are helping restore my faith that there may just be some honest men left in this world, even if they come a little late to the game. *wink* Hugs, FA
Author lissar Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 Thank you for the responses. I think that it does have to do with recognizing why and addressing those issues. I am in IC discussing this very thing, as well as other stuff. No one is perfect. But, there are some people that are going to do it again...but they're the ones that don't take the time to look at themselves, and or don't care, and who would want to be with them anyway?
fooled once Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 for me, I believe that there are just some people who are going to cheat no matter who they are with. Individually, people who cheat do so for a reason --- and that reason is usually within themselves. Maybe they don't know how to communicate to their partner what they need, maybe they have self esteem issues, maybe they are justifying their cheating <as in "my spouse/partner cheated so I am going to cheat too>, etc, etc. I never cheated ON anyone. I was involved in relationship with a MM, but I wasn't married or in another relationship. I don't think I have the ability to cheat *shrug* Just not who *I* am. Some people don't care about others, some people don't have the morales I do, some people just enjoy the thrill of cheating/competition. I don't normally believe "once a cheat, always a cheat". I DO believe that people who can cheat for years without seperating or divorcing.... those are the people who I don't think can be trusted.
jennie-jennie Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I DO believe that people who can cheat for years without seperating or divorcing.... those are the people who I don't think can be trusted. I have read the opposite, that those in long term serious EMRs are not those likely to cheat again. Those in briefer EMRs are. Those in long term EMRs generally have a problem with connecting their emotional self and their desire to do "the right thing", while the ones in briefer EMRs have other motivations for their affairs, like sexual addiction, avoiding intimacy or conflict.
Confused4Now Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I have never subscribed to the theory that "once a cheater,Etc) I was a serial cheater, but am not now. I cheated numerous times, with numerous women, but have been completely faithful with my present wife. I think whatever changes people has to be some emotional event where they might have hit rock bottom. I know last year and some of this year I did that. I know after something like that....it makes people really search deep down. One thing I took from it was a couple of things....I will never ever put myself in a position to get a close to married woman at any level again and last but not least don't always follow your heart.....but always do what is right!!!
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