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feelings vs reality

wheelwright

By wheelwright
in The Other Man / Woman

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NowhereToHide Established Member

NowhereToHide

Posted
Posted
And here's the problem I have.

You claim to love the OM but you won't leave your H to be with him.

You claim to love your H but then you go and cheat on him.

 

To me, if you truly loved your OM you would would be with him legitimately.

If you loved your H, you wouldn't cheat.

 

Yes, its really that simple.

 

 

Yes, I do love my xAP. And no, I wouldn't leave my family for him because I didn't love him ENOUGH to do what I had to do to be with him (which would have been considerable). Neither one of us could see a way where we could have ended up together without leaving a path of pain and destruction. We weren't willing to do that to our children. Again -- love, but not enough.

 

<-----SO, saying that if I truly loved my xAP enough I would be with him is just short-sighted and ridiculous. It doesn't take into consideration any other factors at work.

 

Yes, I do love my H. But, as I've said in many other posts, the majority of blame for my affair rests squarely on my shoulders. Issues that I have that I am working on in therapy. I don't blame him. My marriage isn't solid, but there were many factors that lead to me cheating.

 

<------SO, saying that if I truly loved my H enough I wouldn't have cheat misses the point that many people cheat due to defects within THEMSELVES, having nothing to do with love for a spouse. Some individuals are just plain broken....

 

It must be comforting to live in your happy, simple, black and white world where everything makes sense and there is no consideration for anything else other than the "view from your window". Life just isn't like that.

 

And, to be clear, I'm not saying that cheating isn't wrong. IT IS. What I did was wrong. Period. But trying to put your own narrow labels on other people's experiences isn't really fair.

jwi71 Established Member

jwi71

Posted
Posted
Yes, I do love my xAP. And no, I wouldn't leave my family for him because I didn't love him ENOUGH to do what I had to do to be with him (which would have been considerable). Neither one of us could see a way where we could have ended up together without leaving a path of pain and destruction. We weren't willing to do that to our children. Again -- love, but not enough.

 

Exactly...you don't love him ENOUGH. Glad we agree.

 

<-----SO, saying that if I truly loved my xAP enough I would be with him is just short-sighted and ridiculous. It doesn't take into consideration any other factors at work.
Huh? In the first quote you say you don't love him enough.

NOW you say that "saying you don't love him enough" is ridiculous.:confused:

 

I think, semantics and contradictions aside, we AGREE.

 

You DIDN'T love him enough. It IS that simple. I'm not judging you on it, simply stating you didn't love him enough. Whatever your "other considerations" were/are...it wasn't enough.

 

Yes, I do love my H. But, as I've said in many other posts, the majority of blame for my affair rests squarely on my shoulders. Issues that I have that I am working on in therapy. I don't blame him. My marriage isn't solid, but there were many factors that lead to me cheating.
I NEVER said you didn't love your H. I said you didn't love him enough.

I fully agree you are 100% responsible for your A, that's ALWAYS the case whether the WS wants to admit it or not. Glad to see you have progressed to that...that you own it. You may not save your M but you will ultimately emerge...stronger and more able to handle "issues".

 

I would say, that if you loved your H enough, you would have addressed your "issues" in a manner that didn't involve hurting him and your family. I have yet to meet the perfectly psychologically healthy human. We ALL have "issues" and demons...but NOT all cheat to assuage them. The need to soothe "whatever" needed soothing was greater than your love for your H.

 

<------SO, saying that if I truly loved my H enough I wouldn't have cheat misses the point that many people cheat due to defects within THEMSELVES, having nothing to do with love for a spouse. Some individuals are just plain broken....
I hope I answered this above.

It must be comforting to live in your happy, simple, black and white world where everything makes sense and there is no consideration for anything else other than the "view from your window".

My life is ANYTHING but simple. Trust me...its a complete disaster at this point. But, getting better every day.

 

Life just isn't like that.
That's funny, I always believed life is what you make of it.
White Flower Established Member

White Flower

Posted
Posted (edited)
I have never loved like I loved MM. Perhaps the same back from him.

 

Commitment to others makes it a difficult choice.

 

So the question is, do people choose what they choose on the basis of the depth of their feelings, or on the level of commitment? If a MM chooses his M, is this to do with shallow feelings about MW, or about commitment to a life plan/love for what they have shared with BS?

 

And if the feeings are love, how do we all get over it if we choose commitment? Why is commitment such an important part? I am not strong enough to refuse love in the face of commitment. Is this to do with my feelings about love, or about my lack of commitment?

You may be stronger!

 

Why does one have to cancel the other? I left my M because I no longer loved my exH. He would never benefit by a commitment from me because he deserved honest feelings and desire, not faked ones.

 

I am a terribly committed person but I commit BETTER when I love that person. Just ask my friends. I might not feel like going out on the town with a friend of mine but I will because I love her to pieces. I feel committed as a friend and do things for her even if I don't neccessarily feel like doing it myself. That is commitment driven by love. I have other friends that don't get that kind of attention from me because I don't care about them in the same way.

 

To me, commitment is better when it is driven by love. Then you have AND GIVE the best of both worlds.

 

I believe women tend to throw commitment away for love generally while men tend to value commitment over love (but have no problem keeping an OW). Women tend to love one at a time while men tend to somehow wrestle an idea that it's ok to have love on the side as long as they are holding up their commitment.

 

I think it was Jennie-Jennie who started a thread on Alberoni who wrote books on the idea that men who (cheat but) stay M do it because of altruistic reasons. As long as they benefit the W in most all other capacities, he doesn't have to feel guilty, or as guilty, about having an A.

Edited by White Flower
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