One Crazy Relationship... !!!

[mrgerbick]

Hello Everyone,

 

I just typed a really long message, and just trying posting it, but it timed out and I lost it all. So, this may not be as detailed as the first one, but here we go….

 

Im 30 and I've been dating a girl who is 28 for the past 8 months. We have a history, which I posted when we broke up last year here is the link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t163748/

 

We got together 2 times after we broke up, because we ended up conversation at work functions and one thing led to another. When I started expressing how I felt about her she became stand-offish and eventually resulted in us not talking again. I moved on, even though she was right there everyday. We had no contact and I continued to date and just do my own thing.

 

In April of this year a good friend of mine was killed in a brutal car accident, with dealing with that and realizing how much time we have to live our lives, I sent her a text apologizing for anything mean I may have said or anything I may have done to hurt her, because I felt like we had a real connection at one point and she was an important person in my life. I honestly was not expecting a reply and I was content with that, I just need to express my apologies to her. Needless to say, she did reply and expressed that she missed me and we continued to talk from there. We ended up hanging out and getting close again. We discussed out past in detail and she explained that she wasn't ready for a relationship at that point. I explained that I did enjoy spending time with her, and that I would be lying if I said I wasn't skeptical. She said she understood and was willing to try the relationship again.

 

After a few weeks of spending time with her and no problems occurring, I felt good about us, and feelings started increasing and I became more expressive with them, about how I liked spending time with her and how I felt we had a real connection. Once that happened she became obviously stand-offish again. When I confronted her about the stand-offishness, she would deny it. She would say it was all in my head, which I knew it wasn't. We would get into lengthy conversations about this and she would compare me to her ex, who she was burned by really bad. Saying that I was needy and that I wanted her to play a motherly role. I'm really not sure how she came to that conclusion, when I just wanted a relationship that both people wanted to be a part of. These conversations turned into battles. She would get really defensive and literally lose it. It was like she would black out and wouldn't let me speak and just go on rants about everything in her life, while screaming at the top of her lungs. Everything from her past relationship, to her individual goals, the her home situation, to wanting to be independent, to feeling like she can't lose herself in the relationship, to to feeling stuck and feeling depressed, the list goes on. I was sympathetic to all of this and tried being understanding, and tried focusing on all her issues, talking to her about her issues if she needed to vent, helping her work towards her individual goals. Then we would get into arguments because she said she wanted to be an individual and doesn't want my help, that I am not her counselor. This really through me off because here I am addressing her issues and trying to be supportive with her and I'm still wrong. I don't know if its a complex about relationships or being independent or what? I explained to her that I am not nor trying to be her savior, but I do care about her, so I would help with whatever I can. Our fights began to escalade, to where she was talking about ending the relationship every week. The pattern of our fights are, she would lose it, she would want to end it, then she would cool down and want to work it out. After cooling down, she would tell me that she knows i'm in her life for a reason, and that I must truly love her, because she knows most people wouldn't stick around for her ups and downs. During all of this, I am getting more and more skeptical because I am getting no reassurance, her talking about ending it every week is has taken a toll me, I have no security or assurance in this, when she is the one who left last time. I'm starting to think that she may be bi-polar.

 

The thing that is weird about this relationship, is that when we do spend time together we have an unbelievably good time. All of these problems occur when she goes home and we don't hang out for a few days. That is when she becomes stand-offish. I don't know if that when her mooned stops racing, or if there is something at home that get to her, or if its just being at home that gets to her. Even if that's the case, after we have a great time together, she will say that she spends all of her free time with me and she gets nothing done for herself, so even spending time with me becomes an issue. Even in the process of all of this, she stated that she loves me. The first time she said it, I was excited. Then she told me that she loves me but shes not "in love" with me. Needless to say, I was confused by all of this. SHe says she is in love with me now, but I am not sure what to think anymore.

 

The most recent episode is what led me to make this post. There was appoint in the past I suggested possibly getting a place together. My reasoning for it was I was in the process of leaving where I was at and I figured that since she is depressed at home, maybe this would make her feel somewhat accomplished. We get along so great when we are together, all of this arguing is either through text, IMing or over the phone, but when we are together we are all smiles for the most part. She said that she wasn't ready for that because we have so many problems and that she believed I only wanted her financial help. I was offended by that, which did spark an argument, but I left it alone after awhile. So, last week we were out and having a great time, and out of nowhere she said, "Let's move in together in January!" I questioned it multiple times, asking if she was sure. Her response was "Yes, I seriously want this." I was like okay, January it is. I was excited. A few days later I brought up and she she was like I don't want that anymore, I feel like I need to do it on my own. She said she really did want that at the "moment" she said it, but she said reality set in and she needs to do it on her own. I was pissed. I was pissed because this time she brought it up and I had no influence on it. I was pissed because she knew it was something I wanted with her and didn't think before she spoke on an important matter like that. I was pissed because it was the same old routine, one day she wants this the next day she wants that. We got into an argument about this because I felt my feeling didn't even matter enough for her to think about this before she gives things hope, then just takes them away with no regard for the other persons feelings. Then the argument became all about her again, all of her issues, and everything became the subject of the argument again. It was all over the place. It is a vicious cycle, that I am not sure if it will end.

 

I told her that I need my space this weekend. Throughout all of this, this is the first time I felt I needed a breather. I am not sure what to do anymore. I do love her and do care about her, but I need consistency and stableness in a relationship. She says she know she is up and down and doesn't want to be like that anymore, but it keeps happening. Am I crazy? Is she crazy? Is this relationship crazy? Please help.

[Miad's Princess]

Seems like she doesn't know what she wants!

 

I think you are being a bit of a doormat for her, I get the impression you need to stand up for yourself more. This isn't a healthy relationship.

 

Why do you accept her behaviour? I know you say when you are together physically it is great, but this must outweigh the good right?

 

What advice can I give... leave, but I don't think you are ready for that.

[mrgerbick]

When we are together it is all over great, not just physically. Does it really seem like I am doormat? Please elaborate...

[Johnny M]

This girl obviously has serious emotional baggage and psychological issues. You have to come to terms with the fact that she's not relationship material and will not become relationship anytime soon, if ever. Either let her go, or treat it as a short-term fling.

[mrgerbick]

I can't treat it as a short term fling, I have real feelings for her. I am just not sure what to do anymore.

[mrgerbick]

I am in some real need of advice, please help me out guys...

[Johnny M]

I can't treat it as a short term fling, I have real feelings for her. I am just not sure what to do anymore.

Well then you should just give up on her. I know that's not what you want to hear, but I don't see any other way. Her unresolved issues will not simply disappear, and your attempts to help her deal with them are clearly not appreciated. So you just need to move on with your life.

[Boundary Problem]

I do love her and do care about her, but I need consistency and stableness in a relationship. She says she know she is up and down and doesn't want to be like that anymore, but it keeps happening. Am I crazy? Is she crazy? Is this relationship crazy? Please help.

 

I bolded part of what you said.

 

There is no healthy future with this woman until she gets treatment.

 

You know how she makes you feel? Do you want your (future) children to feel like that, or do you want better for them and you?

 

I don't see a short term fling working because you find her too fascinating and besides that she keeps hurting you.

 

Did you notice that everything you wrote in your initial post was all about her? At what point was she trying to meet YOUR needs of "consistency and stableness"?

 

Relationships are like a mini-economy - supply and demand have to be reciprocal.

[mrgerbick]

Her unresolved issues will not simply disappear

 

There is no healthy future with this woman until she gets treatment.

 

Based off of this, you guys really think she has some serious issues? When I state I think she may be bi-polar, it was just an assumption, it's hard to think that about someone you care for.

[Johnny M]

Based off of this, you guys really think she has some serious issues? When I state I think she may be bi-polar, it was just an assumption, it's hard to think that about someone you care for.

Based on what you wrote in the OP, she's borderline psychotic (unless, of course, she's playing games and intentionally torturing you).

[mrgerbick]

Based on what you wrote in the OP, she's borderline psychotic (unless, of course, she's playing games and intentionally torturing you).

 

Would you really go that far to say psychotic? I mean she hasn't tried to stab me or anything wild like that.

[mrgerbick]

I mean what would you actually consider torturing me? The only reason I ask, is because I am sort of blind to this, because I have been dealing with it for 8 months, so it is almost a norm for me.

[Johnny M]

Would you really go that far to say psychotic? I mean she hasn't tried to stab me or anything wild like that.

Psychotic individuals are not necessarily violent. They are just delusional and/or irrational. Look at her a pattern of behavior:

 

 

1) You tell her that you care about her, she reacts negatively....and yet, she's still with you. I could understand if she needed you for financial support, from what you say it seems like your financial standings are pretty comparable.

 

2) The whole moving together thing. You suggest it and she accuses you of only doing it because you need financial help. Then she suggests it herself. Then changes her mind.

 

3) Not wanting to 'lose herself to a relationship'. That's a pretty bizarre concept in and of itself.

 

4) Constant mood swings.

 

5) Saying that she loves you, yet is not "in love" with you.

 

 

All of these are signs of an erratic, contradictory, illogical behavior. Of course, it would be nice to hear her side of the story, but assuming everything you've stated is accurate, she definitely has very serious issues.

 

As for torturing you, I mean playing with your emotions with cruel intent (i.e. #2 and #5 above can be interpreted that way). However, I think psychosis is a more likely explanation. Although it could be a combination of both.

Edited November 9, 2009 by Johnny M

[Boundary Problem]

Would you really go that far to say psychotic? I mean she hasn't tried to stab me or anything wild like that.

 

Your love will not fix her.

 

She does not love you and she is not 'in love' with you. If she did, she would be in treatment to make things better for both of you.

[mrgerbick]

She does not love you and she is not 'in love' with you. If she did, she would be in treatment to make things better for both of you.

 

She went to counseling for 2 sessions, and on the third session the counselor did not show up, she left her a voicemail and the counselor returned her call a week later with no voicemail. She felt kind of betrayed by her.

[Boundary Problem]

She went to counseling for 2 sessions, and on the third session the counselor did not show up, she left her a voicemail and the counselor returned her call a week later with no voicemail. She felt kind of betrayed by her.

 

Give me a break.

 

When you want to fix something, you drive it to completion.

 

Why don't you go read up on bipolar and codependency. Maybe that will open your eyes.

[mrgerbick]

Psychotic individuals are not necessarily violent. They are just delusional and/or irrational. Look at her a pattern of behavior:

 

If I do decide to end it, we still work together. Actually once, I told her I couldn't handle it anymore and maybe we should part ways. She starting crying and saying that "I'll be fine, I always am." From what she told me, she was in one serious relationship, the one she compares me to...so the "I always am" part seems invalid, almost like she wants me to feel bad if I need to end it.

[Boundary Problem]

Is there something you have always wanted to learn, e.g. play guitar or snowboarding etc?

 

Pick the activity now.

 

Break up with her,

 

THen drown yourself in the new activity until you have mastered it.

 

Hopefully by then you will be out the other side of the h-ll you are in, and maybe you will meet a cute girl on the ski slopes!

[mrgerbick]

Give me a break.

 

When you want to fix something, you drive it to completion.

 

Why don't you go read up on bipolar and codependency. Maybe that will open your eyes.

 

That's another thing. She is a big time procrastinator and a big talker. So its understandable why she wouldn't want to go back based off of her personality. I am not trying to make excuses for her, I am just stating what she has done.

[Boundary Problem]

That's another thing. She is a big time procrastinator and a big talker. So its understandable why she wouldn't want to go back based off of her personality. I am not trying to make excuses for her, I am just stating what she has done.

 

 

Well AFTER she gets treatment and gets her sh-t together, then she can buy you dinner. She can do the work on her time, not yours.

 

Until then, she is not good enough for you.

 

She hasn't earned the right to your empathy. Just because you can withstand all this emotional pain, doesn't mean you should be volunteering for it.

[mrgerbick]

Well AFTER she gets treatment and gets her sh-t together, then she can buy you dinner. She can do the work on her time, not yours.

 

Until then, she is not good enough for you.

 

She hasn't earned the right to your empathy. Just because you can withstand all this emotional pain, doesn't mean you should be volunteering for it.

 

Wow. I never thought about it like that. It seems harsh, but yet true. I guess I will talk to her tomorrow. We haven't spoke all weekend, so I don't know what to do, what if she says she wants to really try this time? The reason I ask that is because I never asked for space like I did this weekend. So maybe that will open her eyes? I'm not sure.

[Boundary Problem]

Wow. I never thought about it like that. It seems harsh, but yet true. I guess I will talk to her tomorrow. We haven't spoke all weekend, so I don't know what to do, what if she says she wants to really try this time? The reason I ask that is because I never asked for space like I did this weekend. So maybe that will open her eyes? I'm not sure.

 

Until she gets her sh-t together, she is of no value to you. Yes she is good in bed and attractive. But you need oh so much more. So who cares what she says?

 

Until she fixes herself, she will only hurt you until one day you can barely get out of bed, you are so emotionally drained.

 

She is not good enough for you. Just because you are strong, and can take it, doesn't mean you should. You are robbing yourself of your future by staying with her (in my opinion).

 

What is your gut telling you to do?

[mrgerbick]

I'm not really sure what my gut is saying. It's on the border right now. I guess that is why I am posting my situation here.

[Boundary Problem]

deliberately turn off your mind (thinking) and your heart (fantasizing)

 

See what your tummy says.

 

Don't you get a wiggling feeling in your gut when she starts her screaming routine?

[Johnny M]

deliberately turn off your mind (thinking) and your heart (fantasizing)

 

See what your tummy says.

 

Don't you get a wiggling feeling in your gut when she starts her screaming routine?

I really hope the "wiggly feeling in the tummy" comment is not meant to be taken seriously. Otherwise, you'd have to break up with your SO every time you have diarrhea...

 

OP, just tell her to come back when she sorts out her issues. Tell her exactly what you told us: you are tired of all the BS and want some stability. If she really cares about you and wants to be with you, she'll find a way to get over herself.

 

The other thing that I just thought of is that perhaps all this uncertainty is due to the fact that she has mixed feelings about you. She's 28 and her biological clock tells her that it's time to get married and start a family. However, you are not her "perfect guy", so she's torn between settling for you and holding out a little longer for a chance to finally get swept off her feet by the knight in shining armor, as slim as that chance may be. Perhaps that's what she means when she talks about her goals/dreams and not wanting to be stuck in a relationship [with you].