Maybe it's over.

[Els]

A few days ago, I posted this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t208700/

 

Today, it all culminated. We were just chatting about the most normal of things... and suddenly, for NO reason whatsoever, he started snapping at me in anger. Bewildered, I asked him if anything was wrong.

 

After lashing out, "I don't know, and I don't want to talk about it! Alright?!?", he then decided to ignore me. Simply lay down and shut his eyes while I, bewildered and confused, tried to ask him why. Once he burst out, "I told you I don't know, and am NOT repeating myself. Can't you just let it rest?!", and then promptly ignored all of my responses again.

 

I don't remember what I said, but it was essentially along the lines of, "How can you think it's okay to lash out at me in anger for no reason and then expect me to just sit down quietly and take it without questioning you or trying to work it out?!"

 

After about 15 minutes of me sobbing in bewilderment and him ignoring my crying, I finally burst out, "I can't take this any more." What followed was an extremely angry tirade on his part, involving a decent amount of shouting. I don't recall everything exactly, but I think he was yelling something about just not being able to control himself, in a rather roundabout way.

 

So, I said, "Alright, can we just talk about this when you're feeling better?", and the answer was, "NO!! Why can't you just be quiet and let it rest?! God!!"

 

I then showed him the abovementioned post from my private journal (I actually made that post from an adaptation of one of the entries, leaving out the more private bits). It was the first time I'd ever implied the possibility of breaking up with him.

 

He wasn't completely heartless, thank God. When he spoke, he was a lot quieter, and said, "I hope it's over when I get my results, too."

 

I -thought- he was somewhat sorry for having done all that, from his tone of voice. As snot was literally leaking everywhere by then, I told him I'd go bathe, in hopes of having him in a better mood when I got back. I was still crying when I left.

 

When I came back, he was sleeping. Like a f'ing baby without a care in the world. And there I was, still sobbing on the way out of the bathroom. He doesn't even have class or studying or anything to do the next day. A little voice in me whispers, if he cared, he would have stayed up. He saw the state you were in when you left for the bathroom. Essentially, what he did was lash at you angrily, lash at you more when you asked why, ignored you, and then went to sleep with not a single demonstration of remorse or apology on his part.

 

I don't know, honestly, I don't know. For those who know my history, you would know that he's a wonderful guy for the most part. He's never really been like this for the 1.5 years we've been together... except for the past month or two. He'd have occasions when he'd get moody and stuff, but then usually he'd just say 'Ahhh, feeling quite headachey. Don't really feel like talking', and I'd leave him be, and all was good. Had there not been the past month leading up to it, I would almost think he was possessed, when I compare him to the guy of the past. He's done things, sacrificed things for us that no other guy would. I believe I listed several of them in that thread above, and in previous ones.

 

But is that reason enough to put up with this on a constant basis? As I said before, this isn't the first time he's done it, although it's the worst of the lot. The last time was barely 2 days ago. I just cried, decided not to press the issue... and let it rest. It sure as hell looks like emotional abuse to me. And I've no interest in being a punching bag, to soak up his anger silently whenever he feels like it.

 

Please help. I've not cried this badly for a long, long time. I would bring this up with him tomorrow or something.. but I honestly think it would just lead to another bout of... this. He'd just say he doesn't know and ignore me when I press further. He himself told me so. He evidently thinks I should just drop it. But drop it... until when?

 

It all just feels futile to me right now. The voice telling me that I'm a fool for putting up with all of it, the logical one telling me that I don't deserve any of this, is getting stronger and stronger.

Edited November 8, 2009 by Elswyth

[Miad's Princess]

Hi Elswyth,

 

I am sorry you are going through all this. ((hugs))

I have just recently came back to the boards so I am not sure of your history, but from what you write it seems there is something in his mind which he is not telling you about?

I gather he was stressed before his exams and you acknowledged that, but they are over now.

Something is bugging him, and I believe that is why he is lashing out at you. You are being affected by whatever it is.

 

BUT....you don't need to put up with it, you are no one's emotional punch bag.

 

When he is calm bring up how you feel (again) tell him you don't accept how he is treating you etc....and if he says he doesn't wish to discuss it. I would tell him "well when you do let me know because until then I don't wish to spend time with you"

 

Then maybe pull away a little, and see if that gets him to open up.

 

You don't need to take my advice, but I hope you feel better whatever you do

[Els]

Thank you, Miad. I really appreciate it. My history is listed in previous threads... but it you've gotten it pretty much right regardless. I agree that he is going through immense stress, but after the finals it really should have gotten better and not worse.

 

I'm not sure it's fair to him to act like nothing happened tomorrow, and to bring it up another time when he's calm... but might have forgotten about it entirely. I think I won't be contacting him tomorrow, perhaps, and see what happens. I am entirely sick of all this.

Edited November 8, 2009 by Elswyth

[carvidep]

I agree with MiadsPrincess, it sounds like something's really bothering him. You said he's still waiting for the results, right? Maybe he thinks he did a bad job and is afraid to see his grades, beating himself up about it. I really hope he calms down and apologizes to you like you deserve. Good luck hun!

[Els]

I truly am worried, though. Even IF he apologizes sincerely... if he refuses to address the issue, it's going to pop up every single time he's stressed/bothered. And stress happens a lot in life.

 

I think, if he contacts me tomorrow, I'm going to tell him that I don't really want to talk until he's ready and willing to discuss this issue properly and sanely. I can only shudder to think of what will happen if he simply refuses, though. I'm not even sure I won't cave in. I was always the one to try and contact him to make up after arguments, anyway. Ugh.

Edited November 8, 2009 by Elswyth

[Miad's Princess]

I truly am worried, though. Even IF he apologizes sincerely... if he refuses to address the issue, it's going to pop up every single time he's stressed/bothered. And stress happens a lot in life.

 

I think, if he contacts me tomorrow, I'm going to tell him that I don't really want to talk until he's ready and willing to discuss this issue properly and sanely. I can only shudder to think of what will happen if he simply refuses, though. I'm not even sure I won't cave in. I was always the one to try and contact him to make up after arguments, anyway. Ugh.

 

It is going to pop up until you get to the bottom of it unfortunately.

 

I think you are right in what you intend to say if you talk tomorrow, he seems a lil controlling to me (by the refusal to talk) and if he refuses to talk, stay strong, try not to cave. Otherwise this issue/pattern is going to continue.

[Els]

Thank you for your support, guys. I'll try. It's going to be rather hard when I'm the one crying my eyes out for hours over this tonight while he's sleeping peacefully, though.

[Person012345]

I agree with MiadsPrincess, it sounds like something's really bothering him. You said he's still waiting for the results, right? Maybe he thinks he did a bad job and is afraid to see his grades, beating himself up about it. I really hope he calms down and apologizes to you like you deserve. Good luck hun!

I don't believe it's that. Surely you would tell your gf if it was something like that?

 

I don't know what it could be that is making him so agressive. Personally I tell my S.O. everything. I certainly would if something in the relationship was bothering me and I would not snap at her like that. In certain situations I've need to collect my thoughts before explaining what wrong, but I say that and then get back to her. Maybe he needs some time, but he should not be so rude and insensitive about it. But I know not everyone is like me.

 

There is also the possibility he has done something against you, hence why he doesn't want to tell you. Just a possibility.

 

It is also possible he is doing something for you and doesn't want to give away the surprise, but to me it doesn't sound like a nice thing if it's getting him so wound up.

 

If I were you I would not let this go. I would find out what's wrong. To me if the S.O. can't tell you about what's going on in his life... as far as I am concerned, mine and my S.O's life is as one. Although due to my complete lack of confidence she hasn't had everything she would like from me (for which I am sorry), I don't believe there is anything I would refuse to tell her about myself emotionally or what's going on in my life. It is hers to share too. Besides that I depend on her for emotional support, so to not tell her would be detrimental to myself.

 

What I guess I'm saying is as above, I don't really think you should let it lie, get to the bottom of it or whatever little secret it is, or the fact that he can't tell you about it could tear the relationship apart, I'm obviously different to your SO though, so I can't really say.

 

Whatever happens I hope it is for the best. Good luck.

[Els]

Thanks, Person012345, but I'm positive that him doing something against me is not the case. He's brutally honest with me, almost to a fault. And with that sort of exam stress, trust me, sex will be the last thing on his mind.

 

He also, unfortunately, tends to be quite the caveman and retreat into that damned cave whenever he's moody. However, that's not the real problem - I can accept "I'm in a bad mood and I don't feel like talking about it" because that's just how some people deal with their problems... I can NOT accept what he just did.

 

I'm actually wondering if he has undiagnosed bipolar disorder or something.

[KikiW]

Hey Els, I read your post before and was hesitant to write, but since you brought it up I guess I will toss this nugget out there...

 

A close friend of mind has been married to someone for over 5 years, but together almost 15 - they started dating when she was 17. For many, MANY years, those around her were worried... Her husband has serious mental issues that have gotten worse as they years have gone on. She would complain about this or that, someone would point out the obvious and she would backpedal and blame it on him being raised by wolves or whatever...

 

Long story short, he finally turned on HER. When she thought she was his rock, he started an EA with an old girlfriend and started treating her like crap. Snapping at her, yelling at her for things he was clearly at fault for. It's been four months of hell for her, after about a year's lead up. She is a methodical person, however, and has wanted to allow him time to get medicated (he is now), seek therapy (he's in it now), go to AA (refuses). Just 2 days ago he finally asked for a separation and is ALREADY waffling on that.

 

the reason I tell you all this is because when I read your post I was like OMG that sounds like how X treats Y.

 

All I can say is that you deserve to be talked to like the precious treasure of a person you are, apologized to for the mistakes, and for god's sake he needs to stop being a farking caveman and TALK about what's going on. I'm so very sorry he's treating you the way he is/has, and I hope he takes a deep breath, realizes what he would be missing in his life without you and starts communicating like he should be.

 

My fingers are crossed for you, hon.

[2sunny]

my exH acted that way when he was having an affair... just thought i'd state my own experience with those lousy scenarios.

[Els]

Hey Els, I read your post before and was hesitant to write, but since you brought it up I guess I will toss this nugget out there...

 

A close friend of mind has been married to someone for over 5 years, but together almost 15 - they started dating when she was 17. For many, MANY years, those around her were worried... Her husband has serious mental issues that have gotten worse as they years have gone on. She would complain about this or that, someone would point out the obvious and she would backpedal and blame it on him being raised by wolves or whatever...

 

Long story short, he finally turned on HER. When she thought she was his rock, he started an EA with an old girlfriend and started treating her like crap. Snapping at her, yelling at her for things he was clearly at fault for. It's been four months of hell for her, after about a year's lead up. She is a methodical person, however, and has wanted to allow him time to get medicated (he is now), seek therapy (he's in it now), go to AA (refuses). Just 2 days ago he finally asked for a separation and is ALREADY waffling on that.

 

the reason I tell you all this is because when I read your post I was like OMG that sounds like how X treats Y.

 

All I can say is that you deserve to be talked to like the precious treasure of a person you are, apologized to for the mistakes, and for god's sake he needs to stop being a farking caveman and TALK about what's going on. I'm so very sorry he's treating you the way he is/has, and I hope he takes a deep breath, realizes what he would be missing in his life without you and starts communicating like he should be.

 

My fingers are crossed for you, hon.

 

Thanks for sharing, Kiki. Yes, it does sound like him. My own guy was given a hellish time during his childhood as well, now that you mention it.

 

Did they ever diagnose exactly what your friend's XH's mental issues were?

[Els]

I'm too damned soft. I can't do it. His university email (which he shared with me before so I could understand his schedule better) shows that they just divebombed him about that last small test - which he wasn't even supposed to NEED to take in the first place. Basically, they can't offer him the help he was expecting for it, and if he fails that then everything's for naught because they'll make him retake the whole year because of it. It's just one essay question, too.

 

Even though it doesn't really require studying, it does require a decent frame of mind, and if I drive him to despair or depression he may not be able to cope with it.

 

I just can't press the issue now.

[MindoverMatter]

Even though it doesn't really require studying, it does require a decent frame of mind, and if I drive him to despair or depression he may not be able to cope with it.

 

Dude went sleeping while you were in despair. Dude couldn't be bothered to care. Dude is not likely to end up depressed. Dude is gaslighting you.

[Mei Mei]

Dear Elswyth,

 

 

Sorry to hear what you are facing. To me, it seems like some mental issue than other issues are undergoing in your bf, though I can't rule out a relationship issue too.

 

It really takes some more time to see through how this is about. At meantime, you must protect yourself and prepare for sorts of changes that will not be fixed easily.

 

Oh Elswyth, you are a mature person, I hope you stay strong. Keep up posted and we are there to support you!

 

(((((( Hug ))))))

[KikiW]

Thanks for sharing, Kiki. Yes, it does sound like him. My own guy was given a hellish time during his childhood as well, now that you mention it.

 

Did they ever diagnose exactly what your friend's XH's mental issues were?

 

I couldn't say, he apparently has never discussed what he and his therapist discuss (despite trying to grill her on what she and HER therapist discuss). All I know is the only thing I can do is be supportive of her and hope that he will just go away - he's dragged her down so far, and it's really unfair how he's treated her.

 

As for hellish childhoods - I understand it. It sucks that some people who clearly should never parent are allowed to mess up a kid's head. But at some point they HAVE to accept that they are messed up from it and seek help sorting it all out so they can be a productive, active member of society.

 

Hang in there, Els.

[AnnPod]

Hello Elswyth,

 

there are people in this world who just keep things to themselves, even without a traumatic childhood or whatsoever. This tends to make people crazy who need to talk when something is bothering them. If two people who are opposite in this repect date, it can lead to huge misunderstandings. Your boyfriend might not get why you are going crazy, and you don't understand why he can't just say what's the matter with him.

 

Reading your post I can see that you are very upset now, and every step your boyfriend takes by not talking to you the way you want makes it worse. I would just suggest you should take a break for a couple of days until you calm down a little and think about if this situation is really healthy for you. I can not and don't want to make assumptions about what your boyfriend's issues are, and I wouldn't judge his behaviour. I always think a lot of the health of a relationship relies on how good you are with coping with each other's difficult sides. And according to my experience, people don't change. Maybe this has not bothered you before, because you two were never having issues that made your boyfriend act like that. Maybe it's frustrating for your boyfriend as well to see that you don't feel good and you give him the feeling he's just doing it wrong. People who are withdrawn like that will just not understand and never be willing to 'just talk.' I think you should just give him some space to fix things his way. From what you were writing before, I don't have the impression he would take advantage of you, or would be acting shady or anything.

 

And you, you should take care of yourself. As I said, take a break, focus on yourself, try to find things that make you feel better. Maybe you have issues as well that make you extremely tense, so find something not related to him that relaxes you a little.

 

Relationships to a certain extend mean compromisis, also emotional ones, no matter if LD or not. And one of the challenges is to find out how many compromises you can make without giving too much. So relax relax relax. I don't think it will be all fixed by one clear conversation, and he clearly is not willing to talk.

 

I wish you all the best

[Island Girl]

I am so sorry to see this thread from you Els.

 

I haven't been able to steel myself as of yet to read through the detail and formulate any kind of coherent reply.

 

I am just sorry you are going through anything like this.

 

I know how very hard it can be.

 

If I were anywhere near you we'd go out and get good and trashed and rant and cry and share right now.

 

{{{Elswyth}}}

[Els]

Thanks so much for your support, guys. As an update, he contacted me the next day, and there was a huge difference. I could see that he was making a huge effort to be the man he was before... and I could also see how miserable he was when he told me about his results, final test and arrangements (he assumed that I didn't read the mail). He assured me that it'd be better after all that... so for now, I'm not pushing the issue, since he's evidently still all miserable, so it'd be rather pointless.

 

Instead, I'm going to wait and watch - it'll all be over a mere week from now - and see how it's like after. I am, however, a little bit worried that even if he IS good, all the pent up resentment for what I had to put up with for this month or so might tempt me to subconsciously 'pay him back' for it once that's over. I hope I'll be more mature than that.

 

IG, it means a whole lot to me that you've found the time to respond to my thread despite being in grief yourself. I hope that you're taking care of yourself, and I'd totally love to have a rant outing if only you were here. You've been a really great friend throughout my time on this board, and even should my guy and I pull through to our ITR goal, I'll never forget that.

 

Hello Elswyth,

 

there are people in this world who just keep things to themselves, even without a traumatic childhood or whatsoever. This tends to make people crazy who need to talk when something is bothering them. If two people who are opposite in this repect date, it can lead to huge misunderstandings. Your boyfriend might not get why you are going crazy, and you don't understand why he can't just say what's the matter with him.

 

You've got it absolutely right. Yes, we are opposites in this aspect, and yes, we had trouble about it before. I somewhat learnt to accept that he might not want to talk about his problems, because he said it makes him feel worse to do so - it's just that this instance in particular was unacceptable because he was taking it all out on me, not merely not talking about it.

 

Relationships to a certain extend mean compromisis, also emotional ones, no matter if LD or not. And one of the challenges is to find out how many compromises you can make without giving too much. So relax relax relax. I don't think it will be all fixed by one clear conversation, and he clearly is not willing to talk.

 

I wish you all the best

 

Amazing insight here, and I thank you for it. I'm still having trouble with that - deciding if something I dislike about him is just something that I should accept as imperfection and be mature enough to tolerate.. or if it truly is a deal-breaker. I guess the only answer is experience.