bafflednhurt Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Sorry this is kind of long, but this is my story. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]First of all my ex and I were together almost 4 years (anniv would have been Nov. 12). I haven’t really seen anyone else posting about being in a gay relationship, however, I still hope I will be able to benefit from participating in this forum. Love is love right? I am 35 and my ex will be 30 in December. When my ex and I met we both just clicked instantly. We both knew that we were soul mates. She is a medical resident at one of the local teaching hospitals. We met in her third year of medical school. She was/is very busy and we didn’t get a whole lot of time together. She easily pulls in nearly 100 hours a week. I had isolated myself from all my friends because I didn’t want to seem like I was having fun while she was always working. Guilt is reckon. She chose to stay in town to do her residency because she couldn’t stand the idea of us being apart or in a LDR. I had told her that she really needed to think about her choice because I didn’t want her to resent me 2-3 years down the road for choosing to stay here. She said oh never. Well, she told me this past july that she is resenting me because she hates it where she is at. She was also feeling stressed because I was in my last semester of graduate school and was battling depression issues (didn’t know it at the time-never really been depressed) and was leaning on her probably too much to comfort me. She already has enough stress with work. To top it all off, this past May I had to take my mother to ER for neurological symptoms and she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She was immediately admitted and was in the neuro ICU for nearly 2 weeks and she had 2 brain surgeries. This is the same service that my ex is on. She is a neurology resident at the same hospital. Anyway, my mother’s illness was a real strain and I kind of just was in another world for about a month. This took its toll on us. mother is fine now. HURRAY. Anyway, during all this my ex had reconnected with an old acquaintance. A basketball coach/teacher she had in junior high. The teacher is 22 years her senior. In june they started really talking and sending emails back n forth. I suspected something was going on and even confronted her about it and she kept telling that she is like a mother figure to her. This woman at one point came to our house and asked my ex to come sit in the car with her in the driveway so they could talk (they talked for nearly 2 hours). Weird! Just several little incidences of things like that. My ex said she needed space and asked if I could go somewhere for a while. I did and then 2 weeks later she said I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t think I can fall back in love with you again and I needed to find a new place to live. Let me also say that she never acted any different towards me until this woman came back into her life. she had just given me one of those long romantic cards saying stuff like “I can’t believe out of this whole world I found you, yadda, yadda, yadda…” Our intimacy hadn’t changed. Nothing. I was very confused when she just all of a sudden wouldn’t even so much as sit on the same couch with me. I did the stuff you shouldn’t do like trying to find out was she thinking and what was going on and pushed her more and more away. I moved out all my stuff last weekend. She has been seeing the woman for nearly 2 months now and they alternate staying at each other’s house. She had changed the locks on me so she controlled when I could come get my stuff. When I went to get my stuff I also saw torn up pictures of us on the floor which is just so not like my ex. Neither was changing the locks. I have been pretty patient through all this and kept thinking that she is just going through some major stuff right now and she will kind of come back around, but that doesn’t seem the case. She does not have my new email or cell phone number. She cut off my cell because we were on a family plan and I had to get a new email cause I cancelled cable. I just don’t understand how someone can just completely cut off their feelings for someone and be so hateful. She has truly broken my heart and I just wanted advice on the no contact thing. It has been 2 weeks since we had any contact. and that was when she responded to an email I sent her basically in an unemotional way that don’t contact me, I’ll contact you when I’m ready. I miss her like crazy and it hurts that she is likely not missing me at all and all slung up with her old basketball coach. What do y’all think?. I haven’t spoken to her on the phone in about 2 months and I haven’t seen her since 3rd week of august. She did an off rotation out of state for the month of September. She called me a couple of times while she was out of state and we talked a couple hours each time. She had technically broken up with me or rather told me “she didn’t think she could fall back in love with me and I probably needed to find a new place to live” right before she left. She also sent me a text out of the blue the last sunday she was away on her rotation because she said she saw Madagascar hissing cockroaches at the botanical gardens and thought about the reason she knew what they were (I’m an entomologist). Anyway, I could tell she was thinking about me so I had a letter for her when she got back saying that I respected her decision to break up, but if she were willing, I would also be willing to work on us. she got livid and sent me an email saying she couldn’t believe she had to deal with this **** when she got back. Blew me away. Anyway, I haven’t talked to her since. That was September 30. just texts about logistical things. She says she does want to know what happens with my mother and friends. Help!! [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]This is the response to the email I sent her about not contacting me after I moved my stuff out. I never responded to this. I have been full NC ever since. she sent it the 28th of Oct. the NC email I sent was on the 26th. Don’t know why she had to wait so long to respond. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]"wtf? i didn't tear up your picture. i thought you tore it up and left in on the counter. and sue was not "in the area". i was post call and staying awake and away until i knew you were finished. all i asked for was the decency to let me know you were done so i could come home. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]i have been getting home very late but still worked hard to try to pack up your stuff and get it out of the attic so you wouldn't have to spend as much time there. there was no need to go through things and take stuff of the wall (i.e. the Glacier pic I bought and you had framed for ME) or plants out of the yard. and to even take a magnet off the fridge....please, grow up! i didn't get the last christmas box out of the attic because alot of that stuff was mine and i didn't have time to go through it yet. don't tell me about the bigger person....you talk all this crap about how you've changed and all your self-help books have made you realize things....that's all bull****....you are still the same manipulative, self-centered person you have been in past relationships...you were no different with me.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]i have said these things to you and that's as far as they go. i wouldn't dare talk negatively about you to anyone else...including your "friends" who no doubt saw you show your ass while you were getting your stuff out of the house. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]again, you can have all the time you want. i would rather not be in touch with you AND i would rather you NOT call my parents again. i will get your saw from Daddy as soon as i have means to do it....there is no need for you to contact them for anything. please leave me and my family alone. good luck with your decisions."[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Just to clear up a couple of things in this email she sent. Sue is the old basketball coach and I know she was in the area because my old neighbor called to tell me that not 5 minutes after I left, sue pulled in the driveway. I told her over 2 months ago that her dad could keep the saw. I only called her mother with my new cell number in case of an emergency. Her mother stood by my and my mother’s side while mom was in ICU. We talked about nothing and we never have. I’m not stupid. I have no idea what my ex is talking about in any other parts of the letter. It’s like it doesn’t even make sense. Show my ass? Let’s say I did, how would she even know? manipulative? NO. self centered? Perhaps at times, but who isn’t. she doesn’t know what I’m reading!! Wtf is her problem and where does she get off being mean and angry at me? Any advice is surely welcome. I have read through a lot of the posts on this site and there sure is a ton of experience and good advice. I want her back so bad, but she doesn’t seem to want me. It is crushing. [/FONT][/sIZE]
ElChup Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 Its a tough one. Had my ex behaved like that then quite possibly I would be dealing with the break up more easily...well, I say that but I mean from the point of view of accepting it's over. Your ex's behaviour seems to me to be a clear indication that she is ready to move on, with that in mind perhaps it is time to do the same? Indeed, it sounds as if she's been pretty horrible at a time when you haven't needed it. Changing the locks? Things like that sound pretty nasty to me. I know its tough doing no contact, it doesn't work for me, but then my ex was never bad to me and only split uo because she felt we weren't fully compatible, therefore we're both still suffering and care for each other. However, if your ex has someone new then it seems that you are the only one who is truly suffering, That should make no contact a little easier, no?
Author bafflednhurt Posted November 8, 2009 Author Posted November 8, 2009 well, she had made it easier not to want to contact her because of how nasty she has been. but i guess i am overanalyzing. which i need to stop doing. i figured well, if she didn't care she wouldn't have responded at all when i said don't contact me or she would have just said "ok." she's the one that lied and cheated on me so i am confused as to where she gets off being angry and nasty to me. i also know that this relationship with someone 22 years her senior isn't gonna last, but i need to let that go. this woman is someone she used to refer to as the mother she never had. anyway, i am trying to move on and stop clinging to hope that she will want me back when it doesn't work out with this former teacher of hers. and i keep telling myself even if she did, why in the heck would you want her back?
GrayClouds Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Sorry this is kind of long, but this is my story. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]First of all my ex and I were together almost 4 years (anniv would have been Nov. 12). I haven’t really seen anyone else posting about being in a gay relationship, however, I still hope I will be able to benefit from participating in this forum. Love is love right? I am 35 and my ex will be 30 in December. When my ex and I met we both just clicked instantly. We both knew that we were soul mates. She is a medical resident at one of the local teaching hospitals. We met in her third year of medical school. She was/is very busy and we didn’t get a whole lot of time together. She easily pulls in nearly 100 hours a week. I had isolated myself from all my friends because I didn’t want to seem like I was having fun while she was always working. Guilt is reckon. She chose to stay in town to do her residency because she couldn’t stand the idea of us being apart or in a LDR. I had told her that she really needed to think about her choice because I didn’t want her to resent me 2-3 years down the road for choosing to stay here. She said oh never. Well, she told me this past july that she is resenting me because she hates it where she is at. She was also feeling stressed because I was in my last semester of graduate school and was battling depression issues (didn’t know it at the time-never really been depressed) and was leaning on her probably too much to comfort me. She already has enough stress with work. To top it all off, this past May I had to take my mother to ER for neurological symptoms and she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She was immediately admitted and was in the neuro ICU for nearly 2 weeks and she had 2 brain surgeries. This is the same service that my ex is on. She is a neurology resident at the same hospital. Anyway, my mother’s illness was a real strain and I kind of just was in another world for about a month. This took its toll on us. mother is fine now. HURRAY. Anyway, during all this my ex had reconnected with an old acquaintance. A basketball coach/teacher she had in junior high. The teacher is 22 years her senior. In june they started really talking and sending emails back n forth. I suspected something was going on and even confronted her about it and she kept telling that she is like a mother figure to her. This woman at one point came to our house and asked my ex to come sit in the car with her in the driveway so they could talk (they talked for nearly 2 hours). Weird! Just several little incidences of things like that. My ex said she needed space and asked if I could go somewhere for a while. I did and then 2 weeks later she said I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t think I can fall back in love with you again and I needed to find a new place to live. Let me also say that she never acted any different towards me until this woman came back into her life. she had just given me one of those long romantic cards saying stuff like “I can’t believe out of this whole world I found you, yadda, yadda, yadda…” Our intimacy hadn’t changed. Nothing. I was very confused when she just all of a sudden wouldn’t even so much as sit on the same couch with me. I did the stuff you shouldn’t do like trying to find out was she thinking and what was going on and pushed her more and more away. I moved out all my stuff last weekend. She has been seeing the woman for nearly 2 months now and they alternate staying at each other’s house. She had changed the locks on me so she controlled when I could come get my stuff. When I went to get my stuff I also saw torn up pictures of us on the floor which is just so not like my ex. Neither was changing the locks. I have been pretty patient through all this and kept thinking that she is just going through some major stuff right now and she will kind of come back around, but that doesn’t seem the case. She does not have my new email or cell phone number. She cut off my cell because we were on a family plan and I had to get a new email cause I cancelled cable. I just don’t understand how someone can just completely cut off their feelings for someone and be so hateful. She has truly broken my heart and I just wanted advice on the no contact thing. It has been 2 weeks since we had any contact. and that was when she responded to an email I sent her basically in an unemotional way that don’t contact me, I’ll contact you when I’m ready. I miss her like crazy and it hurts that she is likely not missing me at all and all slung up with her old basketball coach. What do y’all think?. I haven’t spoken to her on the phone in about 2 months and I haven’t seen her since 3rd week of august. She did an off rotation out of state for the month of September. She called me a couple of times while she was out of state and we talked a couple hours each time. She had technically broken up with me or rather told me “she didn’t think she could fall back in love with me and I probably needed to find a new place to live” right before she left. She also sent me a text out of the blue the last sunday she was away on her rotation because she said she saw Madagascar hissing cockroaches at the botanical gardens and thought about the reason she knew what they were (I’m an entomologist). Anyway, I could tell she was thinking about me so I had a letter for her when she got back saying that I respected her decision to break up, but if she were willing, I would also be willing to work on us. she got livid and sent me an email saying she couldn’t believe she had to deal with this **** when she got back. Blew me away. Anyway, I haven’t talked to her since. That was September 30. just texts about logistical things. She says she does want to know what happens with my mother and friends. Help!! [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]This is the response to the email I sent her about not contacting me after I moved my stuff out. I never responded to this. I have been full NC ever since. she sent it the 28th of Oct. the NC email I sent was on the 26th. Don’t know why she had to wait so long to respond. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]"wtf? i didn't tear up your picture. i thought you tore it up and left in on the counter. and sue was not "in the area". i was post call and staying awake and away until i knew you were finished. all i asked for was the decency to let me know you were done so i could come home. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]i have been getting home very late but still worked hard to try to pack up your stuff and get it out of the attic so you wouldn't have to spend as much time there. there was no need to go through things and take stuff of the wall (i.e. the Glacier pic I bought and you had framed for ME) or plants out of the yard. and to even take a magnet off the fridge....please, grow up! i didn't get the last christmas box out of the attic because alot of that stuff was mine and i didn't have time to go through it yet. don't tell me about the bigger person....you talk all this crap about how you've changed and all your self-help books have made you realize things....that's all bull****....you are still the same manipulative, self-centered person you have been in past relationships...you were no different with me.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]i have said these things to you and that's as far as they go. i wouldn't dare talk negatively about you to anyone else...including your "friends" who no doubt saw you show your ass while you were getting your stuff out of the house. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]again, you can have all the time you want. i would rather not be in touch with you AND i would rather you NOT call my parents again. i will get your saw from Daddy as soon as i have means to do it....there is no need for you to contact them for anything. please leave me and my family alone. good luck with your decisions."[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Just to clear up a couple of things in this email she sent. Sue is the old basketball coach and I know she was in the area because my old neighbor called to tell me that not 5 minutes after I left, sue pulled in the driveway. I told her over 2 months ago that her dad could keep the saw. I only called her mother with my new cell number in case of an emergency. Her mother stood by my and my mother’s side while mom was in ICU. We talked about nothing and we never have. I’m not stupid. I have no idea what my ex is talking about in any other parts of the letter. It’s like it doesn’t even make sense. Show my ass? Let’s say I did, how would she even know? manipulative? NO. self centered? Perhaps at times, but who isn’t. she doesn’t know what I’m reading!! Wtf is her problem and where does she get off being mean and angry at me? Any advice is surely welcome. I have read through a lot of the posts on this site and there sure is a ton of experience and good advice. I want her back so bad, but she doesn’t seem to want me. It is crushing. [/FONT][/sIZE] Can you distill that down?
Author bafflednhurt Posted November 8, 2009 Author Posted November 8, 2009 basically, my ex started having an emotional affair with an ex teacher/coach of hers from junior high. the woman is 22 yrs her senior. the old teacher came back into the picture while my mother was ill in the hospital. my ex began talking to her and they basically haven't stopped. i confronted her about it before we split and she kept saying that this woman was like a mother figure to her. eww!! anyway, my ex told me she didn't think she could fall back in love with me and that was about 2.5 months ago. i still hung on to hope and we texted a little and talked a couple times. the last time she text me she said she was thinking about me. that was about 1.5 months ago and it confused me. at first i made all the mistakes of asking questions and letters and such. the last letter i wrote her was after she sent the text she was thinking about me. she gave a nasty response and the only contact i have had with her since was logistical texts involving moving my stuff out. i have had full no contact with her for 2 weeks. i had sent her an email 2 weeks ago telling her to not contact me and she had a nasty response to which i did not respond. and now here is where i sit. she is 29 and the old coach is 52. i am 35. i am crushed and have no faith that her new relationship will work out. because of this it makes cling to hope that she will realize this and want me back. i don't want to cling to hope. i want to move on, but i can't help it. i do not understand where she gots off thinking she has the right to be angry and nasty to me. i wasn't perfect, but i did get depressed about 6 mo. before all of this went down. my mothers illness also wore on our relationship even though the intenseness of it only lasted 5 wks. she has a brain tumor and has undergone 2 surgeries and my ex acted like my mom and myself were getting on her nerves. my ex is a neurologist and actually was quite involved in my mother's hospital stay. anyway, hope this condensed version is a little better. i am devastated and don't know if i should try to go NC indefinitely or contact her later when and if i feel ready. like i said, i have asked her not to contact me right now and so she hasn't. i do and don't want her back. ugh!! any suggestions? i have to admit that my ego is a little crushed considering who she had this emotional affair with. they have been staying at each other's houses since 1 week after our split. at first she wanted to be friends and i thought that's what i wanted cause like everyone else i thought i would lose her if i didn't. she kept telling me all the things she would miss. the big one being that my family accepted our gay relationship and considered her my spouse. anyway, i will stop rambling now. thanks for listening.
AnthonyMalibu Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 I'm a little confused by you calling her new romance an "emotional" relationship. Is she sleeping with her teacher/mentor? Or is it just a hang-out type of thing? The fact that she was still thinking about you six weeks ago is good, unless she was drunk-texting. It sounds a lot like you probably interrogated her since then, asking about the extent of her other relationship. She wants to be left alone about that, but at the same time she's still keeping you hanging on just in case it doesn't work out with this other girl. And that's not cool. Your recent NC with her is a good start. Unless you absolutely can't live without your stuff, I wouldn't even get in touch with her about that either. If this girl really loves you she'll do more than just miss you - she'll make a genuine attempt to get you back in her life. But if this has to happen after her new relationship fails? You're gonna have to swallow it. As much as the thought of it turns your stomach, it's her mistake to make. Try to put it out of your head, get on with your own life, and start moving in positive directions (instead of worrying about what may or may not happen).
ElChup Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 well, she had made it easier not to want to contact her because of how nasty she has been. but i guess i am overanalyzing. which i need to stop doing. i figured well, if she didn't care she wouldn't have responded at all when i said don't contact me or she would have just said "ok." she's the one that lied and cheated on me so i am confused as to where she gets off being angry and nasty to me. i also know that this relationship with someone 22 years her senior isn't gonna last, but i need to let that go. this woman is someone she used to refer to as the mother she never had. anyway, i am trying to move on and stop clinging to hope that she will want me back when it doesn't work out with this former teacher of hers. and i keep telling myself even if she did, why in the heck would you want her back? Think you hit the nail on the head with your last sentence.
Author bafflednhurt Posted November 8, 2009 Author Posted November 8, 2009 my ex had gone on an off rotation (neuro resident) in september to another state. she told me the week before she left that she didn't think she was in love with me anymore and she didn't think she could be again. i really didn't interrogate her about her emotional affair. she had the emotional part before we split, which i guess was when she told me she couldn't fall in love with me anymore. she never really said we're over she did say that maybe i should start looking for a new place to live. since she has gotten back from her rotation in september, her and this woman have been spending the night at each other's homes. so i am sure it has turned physical at this point. i moved all my stuff out 3 weeks ago. since she had been saying a few things either out of guilt or for whatever reason, it has caused me to cling to hope. but after i told her not to contact me....i would contact her when i was ready. she then told me she never wanted to speak or see me again ever anyway. what?? what the hell did i do to deserve that kind of response? anyway, it's been NC for 2 weeks now and i am still wanting her back even though she has put me through the ringer and given me moments of false hope. whether it was intentional or not. i know i am probably not making much sense right now, but i am still just so devastated over this. our anniversary would have been Nov. 12 and her birthday is Dec. 13 and with the holidays coming up i guess it is just making all this that much worse. i know i shouldn't, but all i think about is how miserable i feel and how euphoric she's feeling all slung up with her old junior high basketball coach.
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