The "What If He Returns"

[Ms. Joolie]

It's a difficult time in our lives when we lose love. It's like our heart is missing, or as if someone took all the joy and happiness out of our world. My break up was with my first love of my life. I saw a future with this man. I had hoped that he was going to be the one for me, that he was going to be my husband. I've never wanted to let go of that dream, until reality came along.

 

In short, I couldn't possibly expect him to marry me. We had been on and off for over three years. I hadn't even given him a steady relationship and yet I had hoped he would marry me. It's true, true and pathetic. And so that dream came crashing down.

 

We broke up this final time in late September. I'm proud of myself for hardly missing a beat. Sure I was depressed, but I also moved forward. I'm surprised how much Love Shack has helped me in my journey, and can never doubt the relief and the reward of sharing what we are going through.

 

The first week I was on Love Shack, I mostly read other people's stories, and commented on the ones that were similar to mine. It felt good to give a hand, somehow it felt good that we were all in this together. Not because it feels good to go through this, but it was easier to see that we all go through this. It was easier to see that this isn't the end, that from here we can still take action, still take control of our lives.

 

The second week I was on Love Shack, I started to put myself out there, really going into the story of what happened. I got good input and it changed how I saw things. I felt officially over the past. I didn't even want what I had anymore. I saw all the mistakes, I saw it more for what it really was. I came to new realizations. It was fantastic, and I dropped a huge part of the pain that way. I began to feel strong again. I only hope I didn't give too much input to other people's threads. I'm only trying to help them along in their journey, as I was helped. Only trying to share this strength so that they too can get to the next phase.

 

This will be my third week on Love Shack. I'm not exactly sure where I'm at now. I have broken down a few times and cried this week. Yes, I began to think of the good things in our relationship, I began to remember that dream. But I was so proud of myself for snapping out of it. It was more an emotional rememberance than an unbearable pain.

 

What I'm aware of at this time is the future of this relationship. I don't want the past, I'm over it. Yet I still find that there is a possiblity that he will come back. Is THIS helping me move along, this slim chance? Is he really going to contact me again in December like he said he would? Am I only bracing a false strength.... one that is waiting to crash down in December if he doesn't email? Is he going to keep his word, his word that he "can't let me go forever?" Has he changed his mind?

 

So you see, there is a a sort of falsity in my recovery that I'm aware of. That lingering hope, or at least, it is a curiosity.

 

I don't want that.

 

I detached myself from my past with this man, and I want to detach myself from a future with this man. I don't want to hope in anything with him, not because I don't want it, but because I fear the crash of this dream. I want to disown the dream.

 

That's where I'm at now.

 

I want to be at the point where, if he were to come into my life again, I could refuse a new relationship. I want to be at the point where if he were to come into my life again, I'd refuse thinking we were meant to be together. I want to be prepared, that's all! Is this wrong? Is it arrogant to prepare myself for the "what if" scenario that he will return?

 

If he returns, we can no longer be lovers.

If he returns, we will not sleep with each other right away.

If he returns, I will not go into "where's this going" mode.

If he returns, I will ONLY be friendly.

If he returns, I will not have that same love for him.

 

IF HE RETURNS! Ugh. I knew this would happen. I knew it was going to be difficult letting go after he mentioned that he would contact me in December. It's not like I have this lovey dovey feeling over it. There's just a slight tug at my heart, or a small chain, holding onto the possiblity that he may contact me again.

 

I don't want that.

 

So THAT'S what I find myself thinking about. Will he contact me? Also, his dad is attending a 10-session seminar series that I am also taking, and it lasts until February. So there is another false hope. Will I see him again? Will his dad be our connection throughout this time, not allowing me to truly let go but giving me this 'hope'?

 

So I'm wrestling with these ideas right now. Trying to find the strength to completely let go.... let go of what we had, let go of what is, and especially trying to let go of the 'what ifs'.

Edited November 8, 2009 by Ms. Joolie

[GrayClouds]

I suggest give the what ifs the heave ho.

 

Focus instead doing the things you should be doing; exercise, hobbies,friends, family, exercises (yes I know I already said that and did it for a reason), and every things else that helps you heal. Then the what ifs will take care of themselves.

[Ms. Joolie]

I suggest give the what ifs the heave ho.

 

Focus instead doing the things you should be doing; exercise, hobbies,friends, family, exercises (yes I know I already said that and did it for a reason), and every things else that helps you heal. Then the what ifs will take care of themselves.

 

Yes, and I am doing those things. In fact, today I am making a ten year plan. I got myself all excited about where I want to be in ten years. This will help me see in detail what I need to be doing. I know that my romantic life will take care of itself. All I have to do is take care of me now.

 

I guess with this thread I was just handling what is left of my thoughts when it comes to that relationship. I think I'll take your suggestion and give those what ifs the heave ho.

 

It's going to take an awareness on my part. When I start thinking about the what ifs in that relationship, I'll have to recognize it as such. So in other words, I shouldn't be thinking about the relationship at all. It's over. And there's a whole world, my whole life, to look forward to.

[GrayClouds]

I got myself all excited about where I want to be in ten years.

 

WOW I am impressed, my ten year plan is to avoid being that guy asking if you want a cart at Wal-Mart.

 

 

and I suggest when you see the EX'x father at the conference spend every second you have contact with him to tell him about that plan with all your excitement. Try to be detail as possible and if your interrupted pick it back up the next time you bump into him. He will be completely impressed and go home and remind his some he is a idiot, or drop out of the sessions on the third day and you wont see him again. Either way, you win.

[Ms. Joolie]

WOW I am impressed, my ten year plan is to avoid being that guy asking if you want a cart at Wal-Mart.

 

haha. You should try it... I just wrote down all the things I want to accomplish by that time. It really got it out of my head. I think I'm big on making those kind of statements. Gives me something real to work with. No incredible details were made, just the outline, just enough to give me focus.

 

and I suggest when you see the EX'x father at the conference spend every second you have contact with him to tell him about that plan with all your excitement. Try to be detail as possible and if your interrupted pick it back up the next time you bump into him. He will be completely impressed and go home and remind his some he is a idiot, or drop out of the sessions on the third day and you wont see him again. Either way, you win.

 

I don't see myself going on and on about my future plans, but this does give me an idea on what attitude I should have when talking to the dad. I'm so glad you brought this up. Definitely won't be giving off the "I miss him, I want him, How's he doing" attitude.

 

I'll be confidant and happy.... and that's sexy. haha. I win.

[Thebob]

It's a difficult time in our lives when we lose love. It's like our heart is missing, or as if someone took all the joy and happiness out of our world. My break up was with my first love of my life. I saw a future with this man. I had hoped that he was going to be the one for me, that he was going to be my husband. I've never wanted to let go of that dream, until reality came along.

 

In short, I couldn't possibly expect him to marry me. We had been on and off for over three years. I hadn't even given him a steady relationship and yet I had hoped he would marry me. It's true, true and pathetic. And so that dream came crashing down.

 

We broke up this final time in late September. I'm proud of myself for hardly missing a beat. Sure I was depressed, but I also moved forward. I'm surprised how much Love Shack has helped me in my journey, and can never doubt the relief and the reward of sharing what we are going through.

 

The first week I was on Love Shack, I mostly read other people's stories, and commented on the ones that were similar to mine. It felt good to give a hand, somehow it felt good that we were all in this together. Not because it feels good to go through this, but it was easier to see that we all go through this. It was easier to see that this isn't the end, that from here we can still take action, still take control of our lives.

 

The second week I was on Love Shack, I started to put myself out there, really going into the story of what happened. I got good input and it changed how I saw things. I felt officially over the past. I didn't even want what I had anymore. I saw all the mistakes, I saw it more for what it really was. I came to new realizations. It was fantastic, and I dropped a huge part of the pain that way. I began to feel strong again. I only hope I didn't give too much input to other people's threads. I'm only trying to help them along in their journey, as I was helped. Only trying to share this strength so that they too can get to the next phase.

 

This will be my third week on Love Shack. I'm not exactly sure where I'm at now. I have broken down a few times and cried this week. Yes, I began to think of the good things in our relationship, I began to remember that dream. But I was so proud of myself for snapping out of it. It was more an emotional rememberance than an unbearable pain.

 

What I'm aware of at this time is the future of this relationship. I don't want the past, I'm over it. Yet I still find that there is a possiblity that he will come back. Is THIS helping me move along, this slim chance? Is he really going to contact me again in December like he said he would? Am I only bracing a false strength.... one that is waiting to crash down in December if he doesn't email? Is he going to keep his word, his word that he "can't let me go forever?" Has he changed his mind?

 

So you see, there is a a sort of falsity in my recovery that I'm aware of. That lingering hope, or at least, it is a curiosity.

 

I don't want that.

 

I detached myself from my past with this man, and I want to detach myself from a future with this man. I don't want to hope in anything with him, not because I don't want it, but because I fear the crash of this dream. I want to disown the dream.

 

That's where I'm at now.

 

I want to be at the point where, if he were to come into my life again, I could refuse a new relationship. I want to be at the point where if he were to come into my life again, I'd refuse thinking we were meant to be together. I want to be prepared, that's all! Is this wrong? Is it arrogant to prepare myself for the "what if" scenario that he will return?

 

If he returns, we can no longer be lovers.

If he returns, we will not sleep with each other right away.

If he returns, I will not go into "where's this going" mode.

If he returns, I will ONLY be friendly.

If he returns, I will not have that same love for him.

 

IF HE RETURNS! Ugh. I knew this would happen. I knew it was going to be difficult letting go after he mentioned that he would contact me in December. It's not like I have this lovey dovey feeling over it. There's just a slight tug at my heart, or a small chain, holding onto the possiblity that he may contact me again.

 

I don't want that.

 

So THAT'S what I find myself thinking about. Will he contact me? Also, his dad is attending a 10-session seminar series that I am also taking, and it lasts until February. So there is another false hope. Will I see him again? Will his dad be our connection throughout this time, not allowing me to truly let go but giving me this 'hope'?

 

So I'm wrestling with these ideas right now. Trying to find the strength to completely let go.... let go of what we had, let go of what is, and especially trying to let go of the 'what ifs'.

 

you sound like your moving on which is good. Keep up the NC ok? and don't look back. were all in this together.

 

thebob