lostsoulmate Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I justified it back then - we never had a passionate sex life and I always felt guilty about that. So I felt sort of sorry for him. But now, years later - it infuriates me. Good! Now use that anger and move "you" toward your goal of being free, finding yourself, figuring out how to love (or what it is), taking care of your children. Keep you chin up!
Author ann09 Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 It's amazing how we grow and change. Back then I was timid and stupid. If that happened to me now, holy hell I would have freaked. I was almost testing him - I kept thinking - noooo, he won't.....omg he is! It was as if I wasn't in my body - I just laid there in disbelief. Why I didn't get up and freak out I don't know.
floridapad Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 So you are comparing your feelings with other couples? Uh oh!! That is envy. You are exactly like my wife. Funny thing is though my W went into therapy after her affair and said to the IC i have never felt like this before with the OM and I never was in love with my H. I love him, but the core of the relationship is not what I had imagined it should be. She doesn't remember the feelings she had for me. After much counseling and a few wake up calls from her sister and brother-in-law of how she used to look forward to seeing me, being with me and spending time with me and envisioned me as her life partner that she finally realized "OK long ago I was in love with him but I am not now." The feelings she had in the affair is still screwing with her head. Counselor also told her if she doesn't learn about love she will end up in the same place in her future LT relationships. I guess the whole point of the OM thing is you need to close one door before you open another in order to really understand things obejectively. You did not close the door on your M before you opened the door on the OM. This is a recipe for utter confusion in the LT. Sure it feels like the right thing now because you feel you found what "falling in love: is really like. TheM is over in your mind so I honestly think you should persue the OM whole heartedly to bring it to its conclusion. I'm pretty sure you will, but just be open and honest with people about it. Yuo may down the road come to the conclusion that you could be happy with your H and realize that in a 14 year relationship "feelings" don't just happen. You make the choice to make them happen. You look at your husband for all his good accept the bad, but that is your journey.
hopesndreams Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I justified it back then - we never had a passionate sex life and I always felt guilty about that. So I felt sort of sorry for him. But now, years later - it infuriates me. You felt sorry for him when it happened? Or sorry for him after many years when your R with the OM brought it to light? Ann, in all seriousness, the OM has been clouding your judgement and perhaps bringing forth false memories.
Author ann09 Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 Good! Now use that anger and move "you" toward your goal of being free, finding yourself, figuring out how to love (or what it is), taking care of your children. Keep you chin up! Again, thank you.
Author ann09 Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 You felt sorry for him when it happened? Or sorry for him after many years when your R with the OM brought it to light? Ann, in all seriousness, the OM has been clouding your judgement and perhaps bringing forth false memories. I always felt sorry for him because I wasn't all over him or passionate or very affectionate. I tried very hard to be that way. But it was hard. Rejecting someone isn't much fun. When that night happened I justified it because I felt "the poor guy isn't getting much sex from me so what do I expect?"
hopesndreams Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I always felt sorry for him because I wasn't all over him or passionate or very affectionate. I tried very hard to be that way. But it was hard. Rejecting someone isn't much fun. When that night happened I justified it because I felt "the poor guy isn't getting much sex from me so what do I expect?" Spare me.
lostsoulmate Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 will she/you say the same if it was OM...i don't think so.... i think you are supporting her because you did the same thing in your life tooo....sure nobody wants to be alone in that boat u r in ..... your words "that I did the exact thing you are" nobody will remember u or ann or me over here as the time passes (u need to use the search button to find your own posts after some time...u r just a history to the LS database)....so do not worry abt whether we care for u or not ...nobody gives a damn abt u or ur life problem is u can not able to digest the truth.....seems bitter reply but take it ,its the truth(i have written this in half sleep) Yes I would say the same thing if the OM raped her while she was passed out. I give a damn about my life (and it's non of my business what you or anyone else thinks), and I have had an experience close to Ann's. So I am actually trying to help her. Tell all of us again why you are here? (your post from yesterday at 7:13pm) Ann, here we go... what the fing hell u f'up piece? of fck u fing a** humping c** drinking f'up fck face what the fing hell is worng with u , u f'up d*** sucking a** licking fck bag a** hole retard fckd*** face ... these are my actual thoughts on your thread I'll ask again why are you here? IMO your words are still disgusting.
hopesndreams Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Yes I would say the same thing if the OM raped her while she was passed out. I give a damn about my life (and it's non of my business what you or anyone else thinks), and I have had an experience close to Ann's. So I am actually trying to help her. Tell all of us again why you are here? (your post from yesterday at 7:13pm) here we go... what the fing hell u f'up piece? of fck u fing a** humping c** drinking f'up fck face what the fing hell is worng with u , u f'up d*** sucking a** licking fck bag a** hole retard fckd*** face ... these are my actual thoughts on your thread I'll ask again why are you here? IMO your words are still disgusting. I didn't agree with that post either but why is it still up? One has to wonder... Maybe, just maybe, no one found it as offensive as you think it is. Sometimes, there are no words, just frustration.
Steadfast Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 It was one incident. But it is one I will never forget. If your wife passes out, shouldn't you take care of her? Pull the covers up and kiss her forehead?? Yes Ann, that's what he should have done. No question. That's what I would -and have- done. I have avoided this topic because it's so personal, but I will ask why you didn't say 'no' or 'don't'. To any man with honor, this is automatic stop. I'm not justifying or condoning anything, just an observation; after the fact. Ann, I hope you don't consider me one of the 'bitter' men you mentioned. I ask because you have not responded to any of my posts. That's fine and even understandable, because it seems this thread is almost out of hand. I have not agreed with everything you've said and feel you're blindly following a pattern long established by others. I only ask you to consider looking at where that path has led them. I do admire your courage. Ann, we never find peace by heaping mistakes upon other mistakes. I do believe cheaters can find happiness and change, but only after realizing true happiness comes from giving, not taking. It takes faith and strength. Someday, you'll look back at where this path has led you and you'll see it clearly. The question is, what will you see? That is what you must ask.
cyabye Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 What would his side be exactly? I was horny and she was there - passed out - so I got to get my rocks off and she never will even know? Again, I am not putting that ONE incident as an excuse to leave him. He's not a rapist. It was one incident. But it is one I will never forget. If your wife passes out, shouldn't you take care of her? Pull the covers up and kiss her forehead?? Maybe that's just me idealizing what a marriage should be. Ok Anne. Since you asked I will repy. 2 sides? Yes. Because you are not the most honest person. So, would I like to hear his side before making a definate opinion? Yes. Cheaters re-write the history of the relationship. That's all I am going to say about that. I firmly believe (even with ETOH aka alcohol)you could have stopped it if it was forcible and you were unwilling if you wanted to. You knew what whas happening but didn't say a word or second guess it unitl it was over? Until now after you are in an affair? Nuff said. cya
HarmonyHope Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I didn't agree with that post either but why is it still up? One has to wonder... Maybe, just maybe, no one found it as offensive as you think it is. Sometimes, there are no words, just frustration. No, I found it incredibly offensive and reported it yesterday.
FeelingLonely98 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Ok Anne. Since you asked I will repy. 2 sides? Yes. Because you are not the most honest person. So, would I like to hear his side before making a definate opinion? Yes. Cheaters re-write the history of the relationship. That's all I am going to say about that. I firmly believe (even with ETOH aka alcohol)you could have stopped it if it was forcible and you were unwilling if you wanted to. You knew what whas happening but didn't say a word or second guess it unitl it was over? Until now after you are in an affair? Nuff said. cya Exactly ... Maybe a million people are wrong and ann09 and lostsoulmate are right? Funny how when you wear rose hued glasses everything looks rosy!
floridapad Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Ann, I now you feel like you are getting kicked in the gut by everyone. Some of it is out of bitterness but some of it is trying to give you a kick to look at yourself much much closer and look at the truth. (Tough love some will call it). Your husband is not perfect but you do love him so please be careful not to demonize him with the materialistic stuff or "ho hum" father stuff. You were with him for 14 years. Now your wants and desires in life are changing and that is ok but running away or saying you are unhappy with the H because you are not "in love" with him may not be looking at yourself hard enough. Have you considered the possibility that you yourself are to blame for your unhappiness. Your desire to be "in love". What happens when the "in love" feeling goes away with your next H (which it will) will you still be happy. Many Many women who have walked away from a decent H (not saying he was perfect) to persue an OM or ideas of being "in love" end up in the same place in the relationship. Unhappy. Please take a look harder at yourself and how your desire for something different or more is making you unhappy. Yes you may say "well is it wrong to want to be happy?." Of course it is not. But when you attain this "in love feeling" with OM or anyone else and the "feeling" wears off how will you be happy. Please consider all this. It is important to your happiness. As far as Lostsoulmate goes. She also is an adulterer and she can empathize with you. After my W had her affair she started hanging out with people that accepted her. Fellow wifes who also committed adultery. (We call them the desperate housewives.) She kept going down the path that you yourself would probably never have considered in a million years 10 years ago. Please be careful not to surround yourself with people who try to justify adultery. My W is doing it. It just keeps sucking her into that world and she is having a hard time dealing with it.
lostsoulmate Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Ann, I now you feel like you are getting kicked in the gut by everyone. Some of it is out of bitterness but some of it is trying to give you a kick to look at yourself much much closer and look at the truth... As far as Lostsoulmate goes. She also is an adulterer and she can empathize with you... I did tell her to find herself, if she chooses to be with the OM fine, if not fine. That is her choice. Floridapad... I am not an adulterer (I was not married). I did cheat. I won't say it wasn't wrong. It was.
floridapad Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 (edited) Lostsoulmate, These are ALL her choices but the implications are life changing not just for her but for her family. It's funny you should tell her to "find herself". That's exactly what my W said when she was with the OM. EXACTLY. Her exact words after feeling all the Euphoria of being "in love" were "I'm sorry I found myself through someone else". Huh? Did you REALLY find yourself? Now that the OM is gone and her "feelings" are slowly eroding she has admitted she did not find herself. Now she looks around at the devistation she has caused and is STRUGGLING to justify her actions but she can not and she has had a nervous breakdown. I don't want Ann to go down that same path. In the end finding yourself is not about being "in love", it's about being happy with all the things you have and not chasing/desiring a feeling that fades realtively quickly in the grand scheme of things. "Finding yourself" is about "discovering" yourself, adjusting to life, appreciating what you have and accepting what you don't have. Would it not be better to truly find herself with her family and go down that path while in her primary marriage, with her children, BEFORE she "finds herself" in the exact same situation with someone else only to realize then that happiness comes from appreciating what you have? She will have to live with that for the REST OF HER LIFE. Thank you for the clarification on your situation lostsoulmate. Cheating is not much better but leaving your family and tearing it apart to be with an OM or to find "yourself" is simply horrible. It WILL bite her in the ass down the road. Does she have to be with an OM or feel the need to be "in love" to find herself or to be eternally happy. If so, she is in a world of hurt in any LT relationship down the road. A world of hurt for her children her family but more importantly herself. The statistics on these things (affair relationships) speak for themselves. She will have to find that out for herself. If she is intent on leaving then I would encourage her wholeheartedly to persue the OM sho she can see that for herself or she will run around with those "soul mate" images for the rest of her life. Edited December 2, 2009 by floridapad
Meatballsmom Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Mr. Barracuda: I wish it was that simple. Ann: I am convinced. I agree with you, get your divorce. As a woman nearing my 60's I also understand what you are going through. The male posters on this thread can never understand as they are men. I am about 20 years ahead of you and can reflect that I had two sexual peaks, with the second coming about the age of 40. You need to do what Gunny says, do this for yourself. Live alone, find out who Ann is and what Ann needs to have a fulfilling and happy life. In order to do this you have to divorce your H and your OM. You are switching from depending on your parents, to your H and now the OM. Also you need to do this for your relationship with your children. They will grow up sooner than you think. As a mother to a mother, I am sure that you are going to find at the top of your list of emotional needs is the love and respect of your children and future grandchildren. All children are affected by divorce. They are going to be hurt because you are cheating on their father and destroying the family. This is not an attack on you, I am trying to reach Ann the mom and get her to see the truth. "the worst Christmas ever" your children are not going to forget this Christmas, as it will probably be one of the low spots in their lives. They have expectations of a season of magic, happiness and joy, but instead it will be fillled with the pall of saddness. This is bad timing on your part as in their eyes it is you who are bringing this into their lives. You and the OM, and they will never forget. Your children will not understand that you are in search of finding your own happiness. They will not understand that you fell out of love with their father. They will not see their father as controlling. These are adult concepts, they are children and they will blame you and the OM. Things might be different if you H was an alcoholic or abusive to them. But from your description he has been a good provider, and that is what they see. They cannot see him from your P. O. V. Divorce is too common in our times, almost every adult that I know has been through it, and while the children are affected, they do somehow live through it. The problem is the unseen scars, that might take years to come to the surface. My two co-workers were in your shoes, they divorced their H's to spend their lives with the love of their lives. They both won primary custody of the children and brought the OM into their children lives. That was a mistake. When their children reached adult hood, they rebelled against their mothers. Their children deny them access to their grandchildren partly out of revenge, and partly as they do no want their children exposed to the lives of the cheating co-worker and OM. One of my co-workers spent thousands of dollars in a grandparents right suit, and lost. That is why her parents and family have totally cut her out of the family. They have a relationship with their great grand children and do not want to lose it. It is by court order that she is not allowed to see her grand children. My co-workers are in the shoes of Jacob Marley, there is nothing that they can do to restore their relationship with their children. They will carry the chains that they forged with the OM for the rest of their lives. One of them asked me to call you a wh*re, to wake you up. Wh*re. I hate the word, it sickens me. My abusive XH used to call me that for no reason, and still it hurt. Mr. Barracuda is a stranger, and still you reacted. My co-worker told me to tell you to wait until you hear that word coming from one of your own children. Your baby! The baby you gave life to, the baby you nursed, they baby you diapered, the baby whose first words were "dadda" and followed by "momma", replaces "momma" with "wh*re". It has happened to both of my co-workers. What can you do, you own that word, you chose to cheat on their father. As your H missed the signs that your marriage was failing, you too are missing the same signs that your relationship with your children is failing. "my relationship with my children will be fine" and "my children are suffering because I am not happy" are only half truths, you are lying to yourself. You too will suffer the same fate as your H, it is too late for him to save his M, and it will be too late for you to save you R with your children. You are in the shoes of Mr. Scrooge and can still make changes. The choice is yours the love of you life OM or a future with your children and grandchildren. You can't have both. One of my co-workers is over the moon with joy, as she has learned that her grandchildren are attending church and will be in the Christmas pagent on Christmas Eve. They can't stop her from attending church. But now she is wandering whether she should go or not. She has climbed out of the depth of her depression and seeing the child just for that short time might put her back at rock bottom. It is a dangerous time of the year for those so depressed. Please reread my previous post to you as it will give you some insight in to what you will be facing in your future. I do have hope that I will again become part of my grandbaby's life in a few years. But there is no way that when this happens that I will be able to fill that hole in my soul of missing her develop from a child into womanhood.
Meatballsmom Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Mr. Barracuda: I wish it was that simple. Ann: I am convinced. I agree with you, get your divorce. As a woman nearing my 60's I also understand what you are going through. The male posters on this thread can never understand as they are men. I am about 20 years ahead of you and can reflect that I had two sexual peaks, with the second coming about the age of 40. You need to do what Gunny says, do this for yourself. Live alone, find out who Ann is and what Ann needs to have a fulfilling and happy life. In order to do this you have to divorce your H and your OM. You are switching from depending on your parents, to your H and now the OM. Also you need to do this for your relationship with your children. They will grow up sooner than you think. As a mother to a mother, I am sure that you are going to find at the top of your list of emotional needs is the love and respect of your children and future grandchildren. All children are affected by divorce. They are going to be hurt because you are cheating on their father and destroying the family. This is not an attack on you, I am trying to reach Ann the mom and get her to see the truth. "the worst Christmas ever" your children are not going to forget this Christmas, as it will probably be one of the low spots in their lives. They have expectations of a season of magic, happiness and joy, but instead it will be fillled with the pall of saddness. This is bad timing on your part as in their eyes it is you who are bringing this into their lives. You and the OM, and they will never forget. Your children will not understand that you are in search of finding your own happiness. They will not understand that you fell out of love with their father. They will not see their father as controlling. These are adult concepts, they are children and they will blame you and the OM. Things might be different if you H was an alcoholic or abusive to them. But from your description he has been a good provider, and that is what they see. They cannot see him from your P. O. V. Divorce is too common in our times, almost every adult that I know has been through it, and while the children are affected, they do somehow live through it. The problem is the unseen scars, that might take years to come to the surface. My two co-workers were in your shoes, they divorced their H's to spend their lives with the love of their lives. They both won primary custody of the children and brought the OM into their children lives. That was a mistake. When their children reached adult hood, they rebelled against their mothers. Their children deny them access to their grandchildren partly out of revenge, and partly as they do no want their children exposed to the lives of the cheating co-worker and OM. One of my co-workers spent thousands of dollars in a grandparents right suit, and lost. That is why her parents and family have totally cut her out of the family. They have a relationship with their great grand children and do not want to lose it. It is by court order that she is not allowed to see her grand children. My co-workers are in the shoes of Jacob Marley, there is nothing that they can do to restore their relationship with their children. They will carry the chains that they forged with the OM for the rest of their lives. One of them asked me to call you a wh*re, to wake you up. Wh*re. I hate the word, it sickens me. My abusive XH used to call me that for no reason, and still it hurt. Mr. Barracuda is a stranger, and still you reacted. My co-worker told me to tell you to wait until you hear that word coming from one of your own children. Your baby! The baby you gave life to, the baby you nursed, they baby you diapered, the baby whose first words were "dadda" and followed by "momma", replaces "momma" with "wh*re". It has happened to both of my co-workers. What can you do, you own that word, you chose to cheat on their father. As your H missed the signs that your marriage was failing, you too are missing the same signs that your relationship with your children is failing. "my relationship with my children will be fine" and "my children are suffering because I am not happy" are only half truths, you are lying to yourself. You too will suffer the same fate as your H, it is too late for him to save his M, and it will be too late for you to save you R with your children. You are in the shoes of Mr. Scrooge and can still make changes. The choice is yours the love of you life OM or a future with your children and grandchildren. You can't have both. One of my co-workers is over the moon with joy, as she has learned that her grandchildren are attending church and will be in the Christmas pagent on Christmas Eve. They can't stop her from attending church. But now she is wandering whether she should go or not. She has climbed out of the depth of her depression and seeing the child just for that short time might put her back at rock bottom. It is a dangerous time of the year for those so depressed. Please reread my previous post to you as it will give you some insight in to what you will be facing in your future. I do have hope that I will again become part of my grandbaby's life in a few years. But there is no way that when this happens that I will be able to fill that hole in my soul of missing her develop from a child into womanhood.
floridapad Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Meatballsmom. I'm confused. She should leave her husband because she is in the middle of a sexual peak or because she has to find her self or because she is not in love? What does a secual peak have to do with life long committment and happiness except in the moment of course!!
FeelingLonely98 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I am convinced. I am about 20 years ahead of you and can reflect that I had two sexual peaks, with the second coming about the age of 40. You need to do what Gunny says, do this for yourself. Makes sense??? When sexual peak arrives ladies - time to fly if the current H can't keep up. WOW! Very sad post ...
SimplyBeingLoved Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Lostsoulmate, In the end finding yourself is not about being "in love", it's about being happy with all the things you have and not chasing/desiring a feeling that fades realtively quickly in the grand scheme of things. "Finding yourself" is about "discovering" yourself, adjusting to life, appreciating what you have and accepting what you don't have. Would it not be better to truly find herself with her family and go down that path while in her primary marriage, with her children, BEFORE she "finds herself" in the exact same situation with someone else only to realize then that happiness comes from appreciating what you have? She will have to live with that for the REST OF HER LIFE. Ann has not said she wants to leave because she desires being "in love" more than anything... she wants to leave because she is NOT HAPPY with her husband. What is so hard to understand about that? Why should she settle? She has learned about herself, and realized that the things she THOUGHT would make her happy... DON'T. A girl growing up has all of society telling you ... "find a good man who's responsible, loyal, earns a lot of money, and you will be happy the rest of your life." So you go down that road, and realize... no... that is not what makes me happy. So you're just telling her she needs to appreciate what she has? Why should she just accept, instead of learn for herself what truly makes her happy? And so she might find the OM doesn't make her happy... but there is no way she will learn that lesson except by going through it. FP, if you were in a job you were truly unhappy with, and you had known it for years and years, and there was a potentially better job being offered although you knew it might not work out/you might not get it anyway... how would you feel if everyone around you said, "You just need to appreciate what you have, learn acceptance, no other job will make you happier, job satisfaction is fleeting anyway." You really think that is the answer? You are asking her to settle. Why should she? How do you KNOW she won't be happier elsewhere? How do you know BETTER than SHE... She's the one living her life.. not you... but you are making a sweeping assumption based on what happened with your wife, that Ann is the same way. You DON'T know.
lostsoulmate Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Ann has not said she wants to leave because she desires being "in love" more than anything... she wants to leave because she is NOT HAPPY with her husband. What is so hard to understand about that? Why should she settle? She has learned about herself, and realized that the things she THOUGHT would make her happy... DON'T. A girl growing up has all of society telling you ... "find a good man who's responsible, loyal, earns a lot of money, and you will be happy the rest of your life." So you go down that road, and realize... no... that is not what makes me happy. So you're just telling her she needs to appreciate what she has? Why should she just accept, instead of learn for herself what truly makes her happy? And so she might find the OM doesn't make her happy... but there is no way she will learn that lesson except by going through it. FP, if you were in a job you were truly unhappy with, and you had known it for years and years, and there was a potentially better job being offered although you knew it might not work out/you might not get it anyway... how would you feel if everyone around you said, "You just need to appreciate what you have, learn acceptance, no other job will make you happier, job satisfaction is fleeting anyway." You really think that is the answer? You are asking her to settle. Why should she? How do you KNOW she won't be happier elsewhere? How do you know BETTER than SHE... She's the one living her life.. not you... but you are making a sweeping assumption based on what happened with your wife, that Ann is the same way. You DON'T know. Well said.
floridapad Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 SBL - The girl in society also has all of society implying love and happiness through Cinderella, Beauty and the beast, Prince charming, Notting Hill Sleepless in Seattle etc. etc. If she wants new love and that makes her happy then go. My point is when that wears off and the LT relationship side sets in and you realize after 4 or 5 years that Prince Charming is well...Not Prince Charming and just a man, and the real man comes out and the real W comes out, is it right to say I have grown/changed and he has not grown with me and he makes me unhappy so I am going to leave again (works both ways). She has every right to be happy. Every right. But she herself has equated her happiness with not being "in love". I'm just saying make sure she looks real hard at herself before she blames all her unhappiness on her husband. Do some real reading, researching etc. etc. about the realities of LT relationships and secrets of couples who grow old together before she runs off to "feelings" of in love with the OM.Thats it. She herself said she loved him and that he was a good decent man (despite some flaws he may have). What is TRULY makig her unhappy. That is all I am asking. Can she point to it TRUTHFULLY. Has she done enough reading, soul searching and said "it is because he doesn't put my needs ahead of his or he is not rmatic enugh etc etc." Does she TRULY know her own needs or is she really just wanting that "in love" feeling. Don't you think that is an important process to go through and be 10000% honest with yourself before you destroy the family. Regading your job comment. If your looking at marriage, children, family, love etc and equating that to leaving a job then that is your view. Most definately not mine.
HeavenOrHell Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I'm sure Ann knows that love changes and morphs and isn't always the heady excitement of the early years of the relationship. But, I am still in love with my (now) ex, even after 18 years, I feel romantically towards him, our love went into something deeper, I'm sure Ann would love to have that deep relationship with OM and grow old with him, knowing she is with the right person. As I said even if OM disappears it will not make her love her husband or want to be with him, she didn't suddenly not love her husband when OM came on the scene, she never did truly love him. Any marriage or long term relationship surely cannot last or be a happy one if you do not know in your heart they are the right one for you. Heaven or Hell, The point is not just the OM but the "idea" of love. If her version of love is represented by those feelings she had in an affair or with the OM prior to the marriage then that is her version. Unfortunately, her version is the same version that many people decribe as love only to find out later that all that stuff wears off. Divorce rate is 50%. Affairs in marriages are something like 40-50%. If you don't grow in your version of love and get past the notion of being solely "romatically" in love your done. Love changes love morphs. She will have to go find that out, but sorry if you think I don't beleive the OM has a little something to do with her inability to "try". If you attribute ALL of your unhappiness to the fact you are not "in love" your toast. My W also said she would rather be alone. Guess what? She is absolutely miserable. She has been alone for 6 months. She even went on a few dates on match.com, trying to find happiness. She said ALL the same thing to me that Ann is saying about her husband. ALL of the same things. Yet she wishes somehow she could go back to the way it was before the affair. Ann I truly do wish you luck. Persue your dreams with the OM. It will be the only way you will know for sure. You will kick yourself if you don't. I truly do mean that. It was the only way my W found out.
HeavenOrHell Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 She is not happy within or without while she is in a loveless marriage, her husband is not happy either. She hasn't found out what happiness is so far with her husband as they are not right for each other so why would she suddenly discover she is happy with her husband just if OM disappears. OM is a 'by product' of all this, Ann fell for him BECAUSE she is not in love with her husband. She would rather be alone than be with her husband. The problem Anne is you have no idea what happiness is. You are looking for someone to "make" you happy. Good luck with that. Your husband failed to do that and now you have another man that "makes" you happy for now. True happiness comes form within (or IMHO from above). Ditch the OM and find out what that means. cya
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