confession. scared.

[ann09]

Heaven or Hell,

 

The point is not just the OM but the "idea" of love. If her version of love is represented by those feelings she had in an affair or with the OM prior to the marriage then that is her version. Unfortunately, her version is the same version that many people decribe as love only to find out later that all that stuff wears off. Divorce rate is 50%. Affairs in marriages are something like 40-50%. If you don't grow in your version of love and get past the notion of being solely "romatically" in love your done. Love changes love morphs. She will have to go find that out, but sorry if you think I don't beleive the OM has a little something to do with her inability to "try". If you attribute ALL of your unhappiness to the fact you are not "in love" your toast.

 

My W also said she would rather be alone. Guess what? She is absolutely miserable. She has been alone for 6 months. She even went on a few dates on match.com, trying to find happiness. She said ALL the same thing to me that Ann is saying about her husband. ALL of the same things. Yet she wishes somehow she could go back to the way it was before the affair.

 

Ann I truly do wish you luck. Persue your dreams with the OM. It will be the only way you will know for sure. You will kick yourself if you don't. I truly do mean that. It was the only way my W found out.

 

 

I pretty much expect to be alone. But I am not so sure I would be more miserable than I am right now.

[FeelingLonely98]

I only came here to vent - get some clarity - not for validation. Even the most difficult posts I appreciated. I never expected to get an award for being a cheater. I never expected a pat on the back. Just wanted a little clarity for myself. I got it. Just frustrating because it's impossible to explain everything in a post.

 

Being judged is hard - but that's what you get when you come into a public forum such as this. And I knew that I would hear all sorts of opinions when I came here. I am not looking for everyone to applaud me at all. I do feel everyone here wants me to get defensive - and that at times I am "that woman" that scorned everyone and they can all throw daggers at me. But that's ok. Like I said countless times, no one here can hurt me as much as I have hurt myself.

 

Be honest. Have integrity. Be good to your loved ones. I don't ever recommend marrying anyone for the wrong reasons - or cheating. I don't recommend doing anything I have done. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. But this is my life and I have to keep living it. Just trying to do it in the best way possible so that when I am old I can say I haven't any regrets.

 

Ann - with all sincerity, I wish you the best and hope you find peace. I hope you stick around LS ...

 

p.s., I am now a BS. But 18 years ago I was in your shoes. Left my son's Mother. Maybe I loved her, maybe I didn't, I was young and dumb. I left her for the OW (not my current STBXW). Anyway, if the A with the OW ended quickly I probably would have gone back to my Son's mother (my xw) and MAYBE I could have made it work and I would have been there every day for my sons. (That's why it hurts me when WS's seem to give up. I said "Seem"!!!)

My 1st marriage was f*ck*d up.

Now my second one is as well.

I'm on a roll.

I wish someone could fix a runaway train of a M like mine. Or yours.

Seems like they are all doomed.

 

PEACE!

[ann09]

Ann,

 

whom u r dodging from ?..people in this thread or yourself...

these are the people whom u don't know...

actually they are getting frustrated by your reply's and stubborn attitude...

imagine how the people know abt u r going to feel(X100 times worse than this)

 

the thing is you never knew or never tried to knew what love is...let's just say if you met with an accident or in real danger. whom you are going to call first (except 911)THE OM(love of ur life from the other thread) or YOUR H(one u r not in love with for years)....there are no guesses here(not reqd) ...

try calling your love of your life tell him you got surrounded by thugs...asking for the money else they r going to kill you(wht do you think is going to happen)...there are no guesses here also

 

 

 

problem is u r still a cheater,liar...nothing will ever going to change this...even if you die tomorrow or 50 yrs later u will die with those placates in your hand....

 

k, let's meet your future now......u can count on me on this one(iam really getting bored now;))...

 

i will write it afterwords....

 

thanks

Scorpmale

 

 

While I respect your opinions - please don't come back like you did last night. You can judge me and say all you want - but to come back with degrading profanity is only insulting. Just sayin'...

[ann09]

well you have not answered my questions....thats fine, i have a conf call to attend...why can't you take little bit of hard truth(while you are hurting innocent souls)...i.e the beauty of the truth ,it really hurts isn't it (after 20 yrs u can say u have never loved ur husband ...within 2 months after meeting a person u can say he is love of your life)....

 

 

Clarify the q's you want me to answer. What am I dodging from? Maybe it is myself. Not sure.

 

Yep the truth most certainly does hurt. I will agree with you on that. I never said I never loved my H....I have never been in love with my H. There is a difference. But way back then I didn't realize it.

 

And who the hell said anything about within 2 months from meeting the love of my life??

 

I'm smelling another bitter male here that's taking out his sorrowfilled love life on me. Sucks being lonely, doesn't it?

 

And after your filthy, childish rampage last night, I am having a hard time taking you seriously. There are plenty of people on here that are against me - but have taken the high road and have posted with a certain amount of respect and class. You can get your point across without crudeness. But I am sure your cold heart deters you from that.

I have reported that post of yours and am extremely disappointed it hasn't been removed.

Edited December 1, 2009 by ann09

[ann09]

oops, i am still in a call...

nice try , but u got me completely wrong...i am neither got cheated on nor in love wit sombody (doesn't mean that i havn't got laid....check my profile i think it can impress any body) ...i love myself more than anybody....it's 2:30 am in india(i have been working from last 18hrs...guys from morristown are bugging me **** SAP sucks....

 

 

ahhh ok then. well I appreciate your honesty.

[floridapad]

Ann,

 

I'm curious. What made you see the light that you were not "in love" with your H. I'm curious. It is really important. What was the defining moment. What made you say "I am unhappy because I don't love my husband". You nbeed to be 1000% honest on this. If it was feelings for the OM that opened your eyes then OK. If it is that you two drifted apart over the years then OK. But what was it.

 

Your Quote

 

Yep the truth most certainly does hurt. I will agree with you on that. I never said I never loved my H....I have never been in love with my H. There is a difference. But way back then I didn't realize it.

[lostsoulmate]

Ann,

 

I want you to understand something. No matter what these people say to you, only you know your situation.

 

HE RAPED YOU! HE RAPED YOU!

 

It doesn't matter if he is your husband or not. When you sit and cry in the bathroom because you felt obligated to have sex with him, that is WRONG, WRONG ON TOO MANY LEVELS FOR ME TO EVEN EXPLAIN!

 

People can say your a cheater, liar, whatever...

The truth is, the best thing I found out through my experience is "It is non of my business what other people think of me. I can only control myself. I have to learn to love myself again or I will die."

 

Please don't let what these people say make you self doubt yourself anymore than you already are. Dig deep inside and make the change for you.

 

If the OM is in the picture, great. If he is not, great.

 

Just know that the fear of the unknown is large and you have to step around it to get what you need to do done.

 

Please, please make sure you find love for yourself!!!!!!!!!

 

If you need anything PM me.

[ann09]

Ann,

 

I want you to understand something. No matter what these people say to you, only you know your situation.

 

HE RAPED YOU! HE RAPED YOU!

 

It doesn't matter if he is your husband or not. When you sit and cry in the bathroom because you felt obligated to have sex with him, that is WRONG, WRONG ON TOO MANY LEVELS FOR ME TO EVEN EXPLAIN!

 

People can say your a cheater, liar, whatever...

The truth is, the best thing I found out through my experience is "It is non of my business what other people think of me. I can only control myself. I have to learn to love myself again or I will die."

 

Please don't let what these people say make you self doubt yourself anymore than you already are. Dig deep inside and make the change for you.

 

If the OM is in the picture, great. If he is not, great.

 

Just know that the fear of the unknown is large and you have to step around it to get what you need to do done.

 

Please, please make sure you find love for yourself!!!!!!!!!

 

If you need anything PM me.

 

 

Thank you.

[ann09]

Ann,

 

I'm curious. What made you see the light that you were not "in love" with your H. I'm curious. It is really important. What was the defining moment. What made you say "I am unhappy because I don't love my husband". You nbeed to be 1000% honest on this. If it was feelings for the OM that opened your eyes then OK. If it is that you two drifted apart over the years then OK. But what was it.

 

Your Quote

 

Yep the truth most certainly does hurt. I will agree with you on that. I never said I never loved my H....I have never been in love with my H. There is a difference. But way back then I didn't realize it.

 

 

Hmmm...not sure....I love him - I do know that. But never FELL in love with him. Not sure of the defining moment. It wasn't when I met the OM I do know that. It was early on in our relationship. I looked at other couples - and thought - why don't I feel like that. It was strained I guess. When we had our babies I really just felt like...well NO ONE is having a passionate marriage at this stage - it's normal. Then when my daughter was about 2 - I really looked at myself and realized I was in a completely loveless marriage. And he seemed fine with it. That's when I really thought long and hard about it. Looking back - and thru therapy - I realized we don't have much of a foundation to build on.

[lostsoulmate]

Thank you.

 

I just want you to know, that I did the exact thing you are. Put my story up on here, was beat down, cried, screamed, felt worthless... and it was all for nothing.

 

These people will have no affect on your life, or your situation.

 

I cheated too. I am sorry, but that's what it took for me to realize just how damn unhappy I was.

 

I left, and I made it, Ann. You will too!

[ann09]

I just want you to know, that I did the exact thing you are. Put my story up on here, was beat down, cried, screamed, felt worthless... and it was all for nothing.

 

These people will have no affect on your life, or your situation.

 

I cheated too. I am sorry, but that's what it took for me to realize just how damn unhappy I was.

 

I left, and I made it, Ann. You will too!

 

 

I will never condone cheating - but I am a firm believer that NO ONE cheats if they're happy and in love and in a good marriage. NO ONE.

[hopesndreams]

I'm smelling another bitter male here that's taking out his sorrowfilled love life on me. Sucks being lonely, doesn't it?

 

A personal attack against him. Well, two wrongs don't make a right. Do you feel better?

[lostsoulmate]

"HE RAPED YOU! HE RAPED YOU!"

 

if i can remember correctly...ann said "after that incident she felt used and some BS"

if the love making is mutual,even rape shud be interpreted as same..but her husband thinking he is making love to his wife.

 

From her OP: "Sex is still bad - then there is one incident that changes everything. We have friends over and there is a lot of drinking. I go upstairs later and pass out on the bed (damn pinot grigio!). Not really passed out but unable to move. He's downstairs and cleaning up - god love him. Comes upstairs, I can't speak I'm so drunk. I am on my stomach. he pulls down my pants and proceeds to have sex with me. Finishes, and leaves. Oh my god I have never told anyone this before and it's weird seeing it in print. I remember feeling like - did my husband just rape me?? nooooooo. We're married! Poor guy doesn't get much sex out of me so who can blame him?? We have never talked about it. It was so many years ago he probably won't remember it. He's a good husband so why even think about it. Your own husband can't actually rape you right?"

 

This is RAPE. Do you see her questioning herself about if it was rape? I hope no man ever thinks it is OK to have sex with a woman who is passed out and then calls it "love making."

 

IMO your words are disgusting.

[cyabye]

I will never condone cheating - but I am a firm believer that NO ONE cheats if they're happy and in love and in a good marriage. NO ONE.

 

The problem Anne is you have no idea what happiness is. You are looking for someone to "make" you happy. Good luck with that. Your husband failed to do that and now you have another man that "makes" you happy for now. True happiness comes form within (or IMHO from above). Ditch the OM and find out what that means.

 

cya

[ann09]

I'm smelling another bitter male here that's taking out his sorrowfilled love life on me. Sucks being lonely, doesn't it?

 

A personal attack against him. Well, two wrongs don't make a right. Do you feel better?

 

 

Not really. That was me shooting from the hip. Being defensive. It happens.

[hopesndreams]

Why be defensive?

[ann09]

The problem Anne is you have no idea what happiness is. You are looking for someone to "make" you happy. Good luck with that. Your husband failed to do that and now you have another man that "makes" you happy for now. True happiness comes form within (or IMHO from above). Ditch the OM and find out what that means.

 

cya

 

 

This is something I have been learning about myself. Very true. I've done a load of soul searching. I have realized I have always depended on someone to make me happy. Why is that?? I don't know. I guess I have always been that way. I don't like myself very much - maybe I am looking for validation from others all the time. I don't know.

[cyabye]

From her OP: "Sex is still bad - then there is one incident that changes everything. We have friends over and there is a lot of drinking. I go upstairs later and pass out on the bed (damn pinot grigio!). Not really passed out but unable to move. He's downstairs and cleaning up - god love him. Comes upstairs, I can't speak I'm so drunk. I am on my stomach. he pulls down my pants and proceeds to have sex with me. Finishes, and leaves. Oh my god I have never told anyone this before and it's weird seeing it in print. I remember feeling like - did my husband just rape me?? nooooooo. We're married! Poor guy doesn't get much sex out of me so who can blame him?? We have never talked about it. It was so many years ago he probably won't remember it. He's a good husband so why even think about it. Your own husband can't actually rape you right?"

 

This is RAPE. Do you see her questioning herself about if it was rape? I hope no man ever thinks it is OK to have sex with a woman who is passed out and then calls it "love making."

 

IMO your words are disgusting.

 

2 sides to a story. This is her interpretation of the "incident".

[ann09]

Why be defensive?

 

 

Maybe because I understand where everyone is coming from in here - and maybe the truth does hurt a bit.

[hopesndreams]

From her OP: "Sex is still bad - then there is one incident that changes everything. We have friends over and there is a lot of drinking. I go upstairs later and pass out on the bed (damn pinot grigio!). Not really passed out but unable to move. He's downstairs and cleaning up - god love him. Comes upstairs, I can't speak I'm so drunk. I am on my stomach. he pulls down my pants and proceeds to have sex with me. Finishes, and leaves. Oh my god I have never told anyone this before and it's weird seeing it in print. I remember feeling like - did my husband just rape me?? nooooooo. We're married! Poor guy doesn't get much sex out of me so who can blame him?? We have never talked about it. It was so many years ago he probably won't remember it. He's a good husband so why even think about it. Your own husband can't actually rape you right?"

 

This is RAPE. Do you see her questioning herself about if it was rape? I hope no man ever thinks it is OK to have sex with a woman who is passed out and then calls it "love making."

 

IMO your words are disgusting.

 

The time for Ann to act was then. It took years of her mulling it over and a new man in her life to bring this to light. Get it?

[cyabye]

This is something I have been learning about myself. Very true. I've done a load of soul searching. I have realized I have always depended on someone to make me happy. Why is that?? I don't know. I guess I have always been that way. I don't like myself very much - maybe I am looking for validation from others all the time. I don't know.

 

GOOD for you! The journey begins.

 

cya

[ann09]

2 sides to a story. This is her interpretation of the "incident".

 

 

What would his side be exactly? I was horny and she was there - passed out - so I got to get my rocks off and she never will even know?

 

Again, I am not putting that ONE incident as an excuse to leave him. He's not a rapist. It was one incident. But it is one I will never forget. If your wife passes out, shouldn't you take care of her? Pull the covers up and kiss her forehead?? Maybe that's just me idealizing what a marriage should be.

[lostsoulmate]

2 sides to a story. This is her interpretation of the "incident".

 

 

I believe her. Of course a man would say, two sides to the story.. she wanted it, right??? That's crap IMO!

[lostsoulmate]

What would his side be exactly? I was horny and she was there - passed out - so I got to get my rocks off and she never will even know?

 

Again, I am not putting that ONE incident as an excuse to leave him. He's not a rapist. It was one incident. But it is one I will never forget. If your wife passes out, shouldn't you take care of her? Pull the covers up and kiss her forehead?? Maybe that's just me idealizing what a marriage should be.

 

Nope you are right. And Ann, "it was one incident." Don't downplay it like it was OK. IMO You could of had him put in jail, pressed charges...

[ann09]

I justified it back then - we never had a passionate sex life and I always felt guilty about that. So I felt sort of sorry for him. But now, years later - it infuriates me.