HarmonyHope Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 I do not believe any1 is trying to talk ann out of it. I believe instead they are encouraging her to TRY to fix her marriage before running from the family. oh. I understand now why you are posting as you are. You were never "in love". Some of your threads make it seem like you were a BS. To me it was odd that you wouldn't advise ann to at least try to save her M before she divorces. Now it makes sense. PEACE! I'm not saying she shouldn't try. I'm just saying that sometimes there really is nothing to recapture. I don't know if she's revising or not, I only know what she says. I just don't see the point in continuing the agony for all if her heart isn't really invested in saving her marriage. It simply won't work. Sometimes too much damage has been done to what was an inadvisable marriage in the 1st place. It happens. Ultimately she will know in her heart what the right path is when the time comes to make a decision. No, I am not a BS. I have an amicable relationship with my xH. I was married too young to someone I was completely incompatible with who also had some serious issues I could no longer deal with. I had some issues at the time too - but I got better and he didn't. It just wasn't going to work. I am engaged but have concerns about my fiance's relationship with his xW. That's probably why I sound like a BS at times.
EcstasyX6 Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Hi Ann, I didn't bother to read all the replies to your thread because my story is so very similar to yours minus the handing over the credit card part and a few other points. I married my friend because he was the best one at the time, and seemed so wonderful, and most of all my family liked him. He has worked hard for his family over the years, but I've never been attracted to him, or wanted to make love to him. I did it out of duty, and focused on the out two beautiful children. I asked him for a divorce back in July I think and the plan is to see a mediator in January. We've been sleeping in separate bedrooms for months. A big difference is that I kept the 'man of my dreams'. He's waiting for me, and I feel horribly guilty. I too don't want anything from my husband except for him to take care of the kids, which means inadvertently, he must take care of me so that I can care for them. As soon as I'm independent financially, I'll have him stop the alimony. The funny thing is he's forgiven me(for a previous affair), and still wants me for some reason but I haven't forgiven myself for using him, not being honest from the start, and confessing that I didn't really love him. It was evident though by the lack of affection I gave him. We had sex IMO, and did not make love. (I hope this reads ok...have had several glasses of cabernet) He's been like having a 3rd child IMO. Not cleaning up behind himself, or helping with simple chores on weekends even. Even though I didn't work, I'm an educated woman, and didn't expect this kind of life of drudgery. I do everything in the home from the lawn to cooking, cleaning, disciplining the children, and finances. He makes the money, comes home watches TV, and gets online, and that's it which would be sufficient for some women, but I thought marriage was about a partnership at least. Having a leader would have been preferable because I was raised in an old school family, but I didn't expect to have this necessarily. Any sexual attraction I once had is gone. It's all very sad. He's still very kind to me, and understands what I have needed, and I know that the infidelity was wrong. It's been 17 years, and I'm tired of this life with him. I know I'd be happier elsewhere, and I know he would be too. I hope I'm not being a thread hog here, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one in this situation. I too thought I was doing the right thing, and that I could create happiness, but that was a fallacy. Please feel free to PM me if you like.
Author ann09 Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 I don't believe I gave ANY advice. It's just that ann came here and said she wants a divorce. Most of the people here are getting divorced against their will and so it's easy to see why everyone wants to talk her out it. BUT - it is not for anyone here to judge whether her reasons are valid or not. If she makes a wrong decision, she will regret it - she is the one that has to live with it and answer for it. Right now, she doesn't need to prove to anyone here that she's tried "hard enough" to save her marriage. It's a personal decision. And for the less-enlightened: just because he's her H doesn't mean it isn't rape. Having sex with someone whose pretty well unconscious is rape. She didn't protest, but she sure as hell didn't consent. It'd be like having sex with someone in a coma, even if it is your spouse. Years later, being with him sexually makes her physically ill? Is it any wonder? The man objectified and disrespected her. And she never was really in love with him in the first place! It happens. I did it, and I know many other people that married too young to people that were never really in love with. I didn't even want to have sex on my wedding night, and interestingly, I found that to be true for almost all of my friends who had the same issue with never being in love with their spouse. So, as part of an unscientific test, ann - did you want to have sex with your H on your wedding night? No, so sad, but even on my wedding night - the sex (on my part) felt forced. It was something I had to do. I wasn't sad though or miserable. But it was my "duty" and I went through the motions.
confused71 Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 No, so sad, but even on my wedding night - the sex (on my part) felt forced. It was something I had to do. I wasn't sad though or miserable. But it was my "duty" and I went through the motions. This all sounds like revisionist stuff to me.Your husband would know there was something up.Trust me we are not that insensitive.I could sense straight away when my ex was playing around.Even though she would deny there was a problem. If you truly didnt ever love him why get married in the first place. I would seriously suggest you never get married again.
Gunny376 Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 P.S Gunny, I wish you had visited on Vets day, as I wanted to thank you, Lakeside and all others like you. I sleep in a warm safe bed with a full tummy and a house full of cats. We all thank you Gallon Thanks! That means a lot! That's all we ever asked ~ for you to have such and to live your life to its fullest.
Gunny376 Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 In my mind the definition of rape is definitive? At any point in time when the other person says, "No" Anything pass that is rape. Being married to the other party does not give you rights to have sex with them against their own will. Even if the individual willingly had sex with them before? Again Ann, you need to find yourself. You need to live your life for yourself. Not for your husband, and not for the OM. Your deluding yourself in thinking that any one person is going to be the be-all to end-all to your problems, issues, and questions about your life. There's not such thing as the "One". The "One" is yourself! You've got to learn how to learn how to love yourself before you can expect others to love you. You've got to accept yourself ~ before you can expect others to accept you? Flaws, shortcomings, issues and all! If you would but self examine yourself you would find that parts of you are pretty freaking awesome! The rest? You can work on as you go! Your not the first person to feel as you do? And you sure as Hell won't be the last! That ridged edge of a quater of dollar is where you find youself. "Satin sheets to lie on and satin sheets to cry on! Still I'm not in love with you don't you see!" The wealthest man I know of is the man I work for (worth hundreds of millions) is also one of the most miserable men that I've ever meet) Life is short ~ to short to be living it the way your living it!
Steadfast Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Whoever said hindsight in 20/20 was a genius. It's too bad that I had to be well into my 40s before realizing how important it is to do things properly *before* you marry, not just after. All those things we heard when we were younger; be careful what you wish for, be choosy, wait on marriage until you are happy and secure with yourself, let your partner add to your happiness, don't depend on them to create it. Oh, how I wish I would have listened! Nope. We do it 'our way' then complain bitterly when things go wrong. I've heard that most people aren't truly ready for marriage until they're in their 30s. I wonder how that counter-effects the cycle of marrying in your 20s then being miserable and divorced by your late 30s - early 40s? I have a 16-yo daughter and I worry...the way says thinks is *so* incredibly predicable. I'm doing all I can to make sure she doesn't fall into this trap. But she's young, and pretty, and wants so much to do it her way... Ann, I have no doubt you're miserable and I also have no doubt you married the wrong man. People downplay it, but if your missing that hot, heavy, can't-keep-your-hands-off-each-other element in your relationship then it's doomed to fail, or someone is doomed to be miserable. All the rest; the caring, the faithfulness, the maturity, that should come in time. The real burden (and the motive behind most of my posts) are the actions of someone years into a marriage with kids and a established family, uprooting, cheating and wanting to be single or with someone else. Isn't it a bit late for that? Once we make our bed, we lay in it. That is, if we truly love our family more than we do ourselves. People wonder why they are so unhappy when they try to re-write the rules? I firmly believe that tearing the lives of your family apart for your own selfish wants and needs is one of the worst things a person can do. Tough as it sounds, you've created a family; make the best of it. You had a chance to do the right thing before and didn't. Now you're unhappy. What makes you think doing the wrong thing again is going to produce different results? The trick obviously, is fixing the present damage. It's far easier for the betrayed than it is for the person carrying the burden of infidelity. I still maintain that if cheaters knew what they were getting into, they wouldn't.
hopesndreams Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 You have said that your H knows of the affair now and then you left it at that. What was the reaction, if any? I hope for his sake he wants you out of his life so he can go find someone to love and love him back. He's been without love for such a long time.
lkjh Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 you are following the same script of every other married women in an affair. You have re-written your marriage to sound horrible, you have made it seem loveless, you made your H into a rapist, and a horrible lover. When people get into affairs they only look at the negative parts of their life and they amplify anything that was bad. You were married to your H for many years so there must have been something you loved about him. I doubt it was all misery. You can not refocus on your marriage and or leave it with dignity while another man is involved. Also, use your common sense, the OM met you online and is pursuing a married woman. He did this while divorcing and everything you know about him is from him. You really know nothing about this guy. You are throwing away a marriage for someone you met online and someone who is willing to pursue a married woman with children. Your relationship with this man will not last and in the end you will feel 10X worst then you do now. Has you affair gone physical yet?
bloggervenus Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Wow! What a great thread! The best I have read here. Ann, let me start off by saying I totally understand you. I applaud you for the courage you are showing and for your efforts to do the right thing. I was in a similar situation. I married a guy who was a perfect friend and a great man. I never had any physical attraction towards him. It has taken me two years of soul searching, finding myself, going to counseling, reading books on marriage, love, chemistry, sex, infidelity, and so on to finally get to the calm and certain place that I am in right now. I too was in limbo for a very long time. I never cheated but for a period of time I had what they call an emotional affair. With the help of my therapist I managed to get the thought of that guy out of my head. I knew that anything I did had to be for me, not for anyone else. I agree 100% with dgiirl and Gunny376. Take your time. Meditate. Exercise. Create some quiet space inside yourself so that the answer would come up. The answer is inside you. You just need to clear all the chatter in your head as well as all the guilt, to be able to hear it. I really suggest that you go through some serious forgiveness exercises to forgive yourself. With the amount of painful guilt that you have, there is no way that you will be able to make the right decision. You are human. You made a mistake. We all make mistakes. Be kind to yourself. Really forgive yourself. You know, the best MC session that we had was when I confessed to my feelings without feeling guilty. I had been trying so hard to bury them, it was suffocating me. Right or wrong, I just had to accept my feelings. Gush, I felt so complete after that. Despite every wrong you think you have done, you deserve to be happy, and I do not agree that you need to sacrifice yourself for the sake of your children or your husband. What lesson would that teach your children? If the wife is not happy in a relationship, the husband and children will not be happy either. I have had a troubled childhood and I always prayed that my parents would get a divorce. Living in an unhappy household is the worst thing for your children. Teaching them to know themselves, to respect themselves, to acknowledge their boundaries, and to love themselves is the first thing you need to do. The truth is that you actually do not hurt anyone by being true to yourself. I wish you all the best and once again reiterate what everyone else has said here. Get rid of the OM. Not because it is wrong, or it is cheating, or because you took marriage vows. IMO, you need to cut all ties with him (and believe me I know how difficult it is) so that you can become confident that the decisions that you are making are solely based on your feelings, what you want, and your feelings towards your husband. You want to make sure that you have given it your 100% so that if in the end you decide to go for a divorce, you feel 100% confident. Hugs and kisses. Wish you the best.
curiou Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Ann, I think you should pursue this affair. I think it would help to resolve your internal conflicts. What are the options? Number one: stop seeing the OM completely. Go back to your loveless marriage. Keep wistfully thinking about the fantastic sex and conversations with the OM, and let the resentment grow within you. Hope that your dissatisfaction with your husband is just because of some "fog." I don't think that's a good option. From reading your entire thread (sorry, I was surreptitiously trying to check on floridapad), it sounds as if nothing will reignite that spark with your husband, if it even existed. Number two: Stay in this emotional limbo. Keep using your family's resources (husbands works to keep a roof over your head and give you money for the bills, I presume?) while letting the OM play boyfriend and sex buddy. Keep feeling guilty about the emotional devastation. Go to counseling and try to think of ways of discounting the counselor's advice to not pursue the affair anymore and focus on your marriage. This is where you are now, aren't you? You can't see this lasting indefinitely, can you? Number three: Leave your husband and go with the OM. Let him support you and get a job to support yourself. Do some of his laundry. Have sex with him after he takes a crap or belches after dinner. Develop a real life with him, not the emotional fairy tale you've been involved in, and stop using your husband and your family's resources. Sure, the kids may resent you for it, but at least you'll show them you had to be honest with yourself. They want you to be happy too right? If you care for your husband as you say you do, don't you want him to be happy and not in a marriage where his spouse despises him? Please don't stay with your husband. I'm sure you're not a bad person, but a real human being who makes real human choices, some bad, some good, some terrible, some great. But don't kid yourself: You're in no way any more or less special than any other cheating spouse on this board. And no, your relationship with the OM is in no way more or less special than any other affair on this board. Your situation is pretty routine, in fact. I think you and your husband both deserve better. I don't want you wallowing in this emotional mess forever. I don't want your husband to be tied to someone who is disgusted by the thought of sex with him. I think you should leave him. In the end, it's not about giving yourself to some higher power (that's a pretty ridiculous sentiment, in my opinion). It's YOU. Your choice.
El Ben Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Doubtful. The only way for a person to truly change their "spots" is to give themself completely to God, ask for forgiveness and restore all the damage they did to the other person. Through devine intervention, a person can truly change. Every other attempt is futile. Some here don't want to hear this but that is their problem and they can live their life how they choose and wonder why they are never happy. This is not true. You mention a good way. But saying that's the only way is simply untrue.
2.50 a gallon Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Ann I see you are still hanging around as I saw your post on FL98's thread yesterday. How are you doing? Can you update your sitch? Gallon
PWSX3 Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Ann I see you are still hanging around as I saw your post on FL98's thread yesterday. How are you doing? Can you update your sitch? Gallon Yes it would be good to hear from you again...... This has to be very hard for you
cyabye Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 This is not true. You mention a good way. But saying that's the only way is simply untrue. El ben, This is my belief, hence an my opinion. That is all I offer. No absolutes to my words however I do believe what I wrote having gone through with my wife what Anne is doing to her husband and family. Please enlighten me El ben as to what you meant by your reply. Please explain your words further in an example. cyabye
lkjh Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Heavenandhell, You really can not tell people what to believe and if someone wants to mention God they are aloud to. If you don't like it don't read it. Ann, you need to tell your H the truth about the OM. You are going to re-write your life to make it look miserable just to justify what you are doing. This happens all the time and two things will happen. One has already happen and that is you will start believing the stuff and two you will just get more miserable. You are now a cheater and a liar, harsh but true. Your h thinks you are just down, he doesn't know that you are in love with another man and that makes it impossible for him to gain you back. Tell him the truth so you can set him free. Also, dont be shocked when this OM turns out to be a scumbag. Use your common sense, what kind of guy meets married women over the internet and goes after them?
El Ben Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Hello Cybye, I was responding to this statement: "The only way for a person to truly change their "spots" is to give themself completely to God, ask for forgiveness and restore all the damage they did to the other person" What I was saying in essence is that there is more than one way for a person to change his spots. Now of course from a christian point of view, things are seen differently, since a christian believes "every good and perfect thing is from the father above", in other words, whether it appears that you changed yourself through your own hard work and effort, or whether you gave your life to Christ and repented and then miraculously got changed, all is from God. I can't disagree with this viewpoint. But the letter of your opinion seems to imply that only a saved and repentant christian can change. This I don't quite agree with. I don't consider it true. I believe anyone, ANYONE can change their spots.
HeavenOrHell Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 I've nothing against people talking about god or religion, what I don't like is when people force their religious views on me and patronise me because I am not of the same religion. Heavenandhell, You really can not tell people what to believe and if someone wants to mention God they are aloud to. If you don't like it don't read it. Ann, you need to tell your H the truth about the OM. You are going to re-write your life to make it look miserable just to justify what you are doing. This happens all the time and two things will happen. One has already happen and that is you will start believing the stuff and two you will just get more miserable. You are now a cheater and a liar, harsh but true. Your h thinks you are just down, he doesn't know that you are in love with another man and that makes it impossible for him to gain you back. Tell him the truth so you can set him free. Also, dont be shocked when this OM turns out to be a scumbag. Use your common sense, what kind of guy meets married women over the internet and goes after them?
hopesndreams Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 I've nothing against people talking about god or religion, what I don't like is when people force their religious views on me and patronise me because I am not of the same religion. We are all allowed to express our views, our opinions on this public forum. If you don't like it , tough. Singling someone out because they mentioned the Lord above is silly. Get over it.
curiou Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 I find religion as ridiculous as the next agnostic but recognize it plays a large part of many people's understanding of the world heavenorhell.
lkjh Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 heavenorhell, nobody forced anything on you, you can simply choose to ignore it or not read it. That is the exact opposite of forcing. You just didn't like the fact that someone could believe in something you dont
SimplyBeingLoved Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 Your mind is already made up, I can tell. Since your mind is already made up, then do your best to feel GOOD about the decision you are making. I don't mean "justified" or "right"... But instead of focusing on the bad in the marriage, focusing on the good things your marriage did bring you, the gifts, and the new future you have to look forward to. I believe I have a different viewpoint of marriage than a lot of the folks on this board. I am not religious, for one thing. Secondly, I just don't agree with the attitude that it's better to preserve a marriage at ALL costs... I can't envision going from involuntary vomiting after sex, to the position of WANTING to make love. The gap is too big. Perhaps it is POSSIBLE to turn things around so she could have feelings of love, but... the effort would probably be HERCULEAN. Maybe Ann has re-written the marriage, but it sounds like it would take so much white-out to re-rewrite it... better to start over, I think.
nobmagnet Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 yep give him the respect he deserves and move on. What you did was unjustifiable in my oppinion but you both deserve to be happy.........especially him. You can both move on and have happy lives apart as everyone deserves to have some happiness. Stop torchering him and do the decent thing. I too agree that it is not always the best thing to do to stay in a loveless distructive relationship. Life is short but to leave a relationship with dignity and respect is the way to go.
Author ann09 Posted November 28, 2009 Author Posted November 28, 2009 I have stayed away from this thread - not really meaning to. Just hard to face my own problems and easier focusing on others in here. My H does know about the OM. And he's upset but also panicked. He's choosing to downplay it - even though I haven't. I'm all about honesty these days. I think he knows the enevitable is about to happen - and I think we are both trying to get through the holidays for the kids' sake. I have no doubt once Jan 1 rolls around all this will come to an end. He has basically told me that as long as I am agreeable when we start the divorce process - he won't use anything against me. Honestly, at this point, I just want to start to rebuild myself and my life. funny religion was mentioned so much in this thread. I have actually turned to God recently - something that has been absent in my life for so long. I will take guidance wherever I can find it. Not saying attending church on Sundays is going to help me - but having some bit of faith has helped in some ways.
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