confession. scared.

[Steadfast]

Lots of comments about your situation for you to consider Ann. Here's another; when the pursuit of happiness comes at the expense of another person, it's wrong. Self-centered people are never truly happy. Talk about living a lie!

 

You're worried about the consequences of your actions. You should be. You say if continued, your marriage will destroy your soul. It's being destroyed now Ann. You say you'll 'never' be in love with your husband, but you once 'vowed' to love, honor and cherish him until death. And, you said (then) that you meant it. Finally, you said you've 'grown and changed...evolved'.

 

Sounds to me like you're not really sure what Ann is going to do next.

 

Do yourself a favor and stop allowing feelings to control your actions. Do what's right -really right- for a change, not just what makes you 'feel' better.

Edited November 13, 2009 by Steadfast

[HarmonyHope]

I have been reading your sad story with interest. I feel so sorry for you, your husband and your three lovely children.

I do agree that you need a new marriage and I also agree that it should be with your husband.

Having been married for such a long time I'm sure with the correct professional help, effort from both sides, you can reconnect and meet each others needs.

 

It will take a long time but don't give up, stay strong and your marriage flourish.

 

To be honest, all this take of reconnecting and recapturing doesn't make any sense because it honestly sound like the connection was never there in the 1st place. How can you regain something you never had? Should she really force herself to stay with a man she isn't and isn't going to be in love with? Would anyone really want that for her H?

 

Her feelings are valid and it sounds like she's already made a decision to leave her marriage. I made a similar decision some years ago. You just can't fix some things, and you certainly cannot make feelings come back that you never had in the 1st place. It is what it is.

 

Good luck to you ann. It will get better as time goes on. Be true to yourself and everything else will fall into place.

[FeelingLonely98]

To be honest, all this take of reconnecting and recapturing doesn't make any sense because it honestly sound like the connection was never there in the 1st place. How can you regain something you never had? Should she really force herself to stay with a man she isn't and isn't going to be in love with? Would anyone really want that for her H?

 

My hunch is that ann is a little bit of a revisionist historian, at least to some degree, if not to a great degree. Most cheaters justify by making the past seem much worse than it actually was.

Also, nobody knows how the future will play out. My second hunch is that truly WORKING on the M after everything is laid out on the table may actually fix this and ann may fall in love and be happy enough to stay with her family. Maybe, possibly, she would be more in love with her NEW soulmate, but there will be much unhappiness to balance that new happiness with the OM. If she gives it a real true shot at love forgetting about the OM 1000%, who knows? I see regrets in ann's future if she doesn't try.

 

PEACE!

[HeavenOrHell]

NO WAY! Love is NOT a choice, you cannot force yourself to love someone, Ann and her husband are clearly incompatible, AND he RAPED her, have you forgotten that little detail?!

Ann, it sounds as your families put pressure on you to get married

Love is very definitely a feeling.

That's not to say some relationships shouldn't be worked on, of course they should-IF the love is there and the couple are compatible.

Ann, my heart goes out to you, please don't give up on being with the man you do love, these chances do not come along very often, but also please don't let him pressure you to sort things out quickly.

 

 

There is no marriage that is "happy" 100% of the time.

There are marriage partners that work though these feelings.

And then there are marriage partners that quit and run and cheat.

 

It is a choice. Love is a choice, not a feeling.

"Love" is a verb, an action word, it is not a feeling, not something you feel.

[HeavenOrHell]

She has never been in love with her husband, it just isn't there for her, that is not her fault, yes they made a mistake in getting married, she knows that, she doesn't feel at all good about any of this. It sounds as if their families pressured them into marriage. She has given it a good go. Why should she stay miserable the rest of her life. The kids will not be happy if they stay together, I am sure Ann does well at hiding her misery from them, but they will sense it I am sure, I'm not saying that to make Ann feel guilty, I'm saying it because I mean it does not work to stay for the sake of the kids.

She isn't saying her affair is ok, or that she excuses it, she is saying that her loveless marriage is the REASON for the affair, she wants to feel truly loved, is that such a crime?

How many of you women could fall in love with someone who raped you?

Could you stay with someone who caused you to vomit after having sex with them? Doesn't have a lot going for it does it!

What would that say about your self respect?

 

 

 

My hunch is that ann is a little bit of a revisionist historian, at least to some degree, if not to a great degree. Most cheaters justify by making the past seem much worse than it actually was.

Also, nobody knows how the future will play out. My second hunch is that truly WORKING on the M after everything is laid out on the table may actually fix this and ann may fall in love and be happy enough to stay with her family. Maybe, possibly, she would be more in love with her NEW soulmate, but there will be much unhappiness to balance that new happiness with the OM. If she gives it a real true shot at love forgetting about the OM 1000%, who knows? I see regrets in ann's future if she doesn't try.

 

PEACE!

[Devil Inside]

Ann...wow what a post. First I just want to acknowledge the courage it must have taken to tell your husband what you did. How gut wrenching. I identify with your situation on some very painful levels. I too have allowed guilt to keep me in relationships that I should not be in.

 

Ann...deep inside you know what you want. I just want you to hear...it is ok to not be attracted to someone. It was a mistake to marry...but you were young...you thought you would feel different.

 

Good luck to you.

[ann09]

I don't have much time but just to answer a few Q's here. The OM is divorced and has been for years.

 

I still believe that love IS a feeling. A choice? Not sure about that. I could "choose" to love Joe Shmo on the street - doesn't mean it's going to happen. Yes, we MAKE choices in life. But love is a very strong feeling - the strongest I have ever felt. And I have walked away from the OM before and I can't begin to type the words to describe how I felt. I can't explain those feelings - the worst heartache I have ever experienced. I wouldn't wish that feeling on my worst enemy.

 

But excluding him out of my life - I still don't have that passionate feeling for my H and it kills him. Doesn't he deserve a wife that wants him and is not just staying because she made a promise to him years ago and it would be too hard to break that promise?? Doesn't HE deserve more than that? I feel guilty every time he comes home and I can't walk up to him and kiss him. I can't. I don't know why but I don't feel it. In fact, sadly, I feel dread when he walks in. I don't WANT to feel that but I do. Who would WANT that?? I would give anything to wake up tomorrow and feel love for this man. I would pay millions of dollars for that! My life would be SO much easier and so much happier. But I wake up and my heart sinks. I don't want to live like this. Yes, I want everyone in my life, including my H to be happy. I just don't FEEL it. It's not a CHOICE. I wish I could say.....hell Ann just stay and love the guy cuz that would make everyone ELSE happy. So what about me? I will always wonder what my life could have been like. I will always wonder. Our kids will grow up soon and leave. Then what? Do I travel with this man and fake happiness when he retires?? To me it sounds like a life sentence. I can't have sex with him. I can't. Not becaused of anyone else. But because of me. I just can't explain it. I am so torn and distraught. I want to agree with all of you and do what's right. I want to work and try harder. But I know it's futile and I can't explain why. I just know in my heart that I screwed up royally. I know this. And I would give anything to go back in time and do everything differently.

[LakesideDream]

You've decided what you need to do for you Ann, so be it. Make it happen. I'd suggest that you do what you can to minimize the bad effects on your stbxh, try and be more of a giver than a taker. Without question your children need and deserve security. It's not their mistake you are acting on. You do not deserve to have your stbxh provide your security or other basic needs. You have made your choice, and broken your contract.

 

Time is of the essence Ann. Each day you procrastinate is a day you are stealing from your stbxh. You have already misappropriated 365 x 14 of those days. Try and minimize future days squandered, especially for your stbxh, for yourself as well. Theres no time like today to start living truthfully.

 

Your husband may wish to fight or disagree with your decisions, that's irrelevant though isn't it? You have made a unilateral decision which is your absolute right to do in this society (as it should be), make it happen as quickly as possible.

 

Obviously your childrens short term needs cannot be a major concern to you either. Sadly (or not) you are within your rights to uproot and change their lives unilaterally as well. All you can do is minimize the duration of the misery.

 

The OM? I don't have an opinion one way or the other. If it wasn't this particular OM it would be another. I'm sure you will be able re-ignite the relationship with the current OM or ignite a relationship with another man if the need surfaces.

 

You go girl. The Law, and the norms of our society support you. Take advantage, your sisters before you suffered to get you that support.

[HeavenOrHell]

Why do you give a damn about her husband?! He RAPED her!!!!!! Hello!!

 

 

You've decided what you need to do for you Ann, so be it. Make it happen. I'd suggest that you do what you can to minimize the bad effects on your stbxh, try and be more of a giver than a taker. Without question your children need and deserve security. It's not their mistake you are acting on. You do not deserve to have your stbxh provide your security or other basic needs. You have made your choice, and broken your contract.

 

Time is of the essence Ann. Each day you procrastinate is a day you are stealing from your stbxh. You have already misappropriated 365 x 14 of those days. Try and minimize future days squandered, especially for your stbxh, for yourself as well. Theres no time like today to start living truthfully.

 

Your husband may wish to fight or disagree with your decisions, that's irrelevant though isn't it? You have made a unilateral decision which is your absolute right to do in this society (as it should be), make it happen as quickly as possible.

 

Obviously your childrens short term needs cannot be a major concern to you either. Sadly (or not) you are within your rights to uproot and change their lives unilaterally as well. All you can do is minimize the duration of the misery.

 

The OM? I don't have an opinion one way or the other. If it wasn't this particular OM it would be another. I'm sure you will be able re-ignite the relationship with the current OM or ignite a relationship with another man if the need surfaces.

 

You go girl. The Law, and the norms of our society support you. Take advantage, your sisters before you suffered to get you that support.

[FeelingLonely98]

She has never been in love with her husband,

 

So she says now to justify her A and leaving the M.

 

Why should she stay miserable the rest of her life.

 

Nobody knows if she will be miserable for the rest of her life. Now that all cards are on the table it is the optimum time to fix this M. At least give it one good REAL chance.

 

The kids will not be happy if they stay together,

I'm saying it because I mean it does not work to stay for the sake of the kids.

 

All experts say that kids are better in a bad M than in a split up M. There are exceptions ... but chances are that she is causing damage to her kids.

 

she is saying that her loveless marriage is the REASON for the affair,

 

They ALWAYS say that HoH. Duh. Again ... this is to justify the A and is an attempt to make the cheater fell less guilty.

 

she wants to feel truly loved

 

She is Loved. Her H loves her incredibly!!! At least that is how Ann describes it.

 

How many of you women could fall in love with someone who raped you?

 

She didn't say he raped her. He said that he might have. She was inebriated and had his way. Not right, but she wasn't saying stop. I would never do whatr he did - NEVER. But that is not rape. (Side thought here: Can a H be charged with rape in a common law M?)

[dgiirl]

Why do you give a damn about her husband?! He RAPED her!!!!!! Hello!!

 

That's a VERY strong word and I dont think one should abuse it. From her own words, there was a LOT of drinking involved. Her husband did not pin her down nor did she tell him to stop. She was awake and conscious of the whole situation. Although she never gave consent, and I can understand her feelings of disgust, you cant really call it rape when she never objected either. She remained COMPLETELY PASSIVE in the situation. That's not rape!

[dgiirl]

Ann, I haven't commented on your thread up to now because I really don't know if I can offer you any advice. I see you are getting a lot of heat from some of the people around here and you seem to be open to the criticism and are still around. I respect you for that.

 

I think it's very important for people to earn their way out of a divorce, especially when children are involved. I think it's important that they exhaust every single avenue to try and repair their marriage. Once they've tried every single thing, and the marriage STILL will not work, then, and only then, have they earned their way for a divorce.

 

Personally, I don't think you have earned that right just yet. I'm not saying divorce is completely wrong, and that you should remain in a dead loveless marriage for the rest of your life. Of course not! You and your husband both deserve happiness.

 

However, I believe you've said you've only been in therapy for a few months. Your thoughts are still preoccupied with the OM. And your thoughts are focused around how much you are _not_ in love with your husband. It's hard to give your marriage a proper chance when your thoughts are simply focused on the opposite.

 

They say love is a choice and what I believe they mean by that is how you choose to think about something very often affects the way you FEEL about something. You will never feel any romantic feelings towards your husband when all you focus on is the other man, how much you and your husband have nothing in common, how much kissing him repulses you, etc. If you constantly invision puking while kissing your husband, you are not going to have any fireworks go off when you physically go to kiss him.

 

From what you've written, it sounds like you have not thought of your husband in a very positive light in a very long time. When all you focus on is the negatives, that is all you see. And it's very easy to believe that is the "truth" of your relationship. But what you choose to focus on can affect the way you feel about your relationship. When you first started dating your husband, you said your story had the "awww" factor, people loved hearing your story, and that must have made your heart warm and made you fond of your husband. You also said the way he called you his "dream girl" and the attention he gave you also made you fall in love with him. The attention he gave you, the way he made you feel, the life he could offer you, made you fall in love with him. These were all positive thoughts about him which in turn created positive feelings for him.

 

However, after getting married, your relationship turned toward a parent/child relationship. He held things from you. You probably felt slightly belittled. These are not positive thoughts, so you wont get positive feelings out of them. You had three kids, became exhausted, spent less time nurturing your romantic life with your husband. Had less of a sex life. Felt less passion for your husband. Focused more on how bad the sex was. Focused on how you no longer wanted to kiss him. You focused more and more on the negative which in turn creates more negative feelings for your husband. The ultimate thought is thinking your husband might have raped you. How will you EVER have any romantic feelings towards him if these are the thoughts you are entertaining in your head?

 

I'm not saying your husband is an angel and has no fault in the failure of your marriage. I'm not even saying your marriage does not have any valid problems. Clearly, you both have very bad communication skills. Your needs are not being met and you need to change your relationship from a parent/child relationship to equal partners. You also need to spend more time nurturing romantic feelings in the other.

 

However, I personally dont think you have given your marriage a real fair chance either. You've been preoccupied with thoughts on why your marriage should NOT work, preoccupied with thoughts on how different you two are, and also preoccupied with another man.

 

If you were going to be truly fair to your husband, your children and to yourself, you would first and foremost cut ALL ties to this other man. That includes not entertaining any thoughts about this other man. Get him completely out of your system. Second, you would focus more attention on the positives your husband has to offer. Appreciate the things your husband does for you, and what he can offer you. Third, you put some effort into communicating with your husband and making real effort to change the dynamics of your relationship to something that would make you both happy. If, after all of that, it still does not work, then, and only then, would you have earned your right for a divorce. You would know, deep in your soul, that you did every thing you possibly could to save your marriage and there was nothing else you could do. You would also have no more guilt about the things you have done.

[JLoves]

dgiirl: I wish someone would point out a lot of what you said to my wife. (although there's no OM.. yet). Maybe I'd still have her home. Day 3 and counting.

[Gunny376]

What I think you should do is get your head together as to what Ann wants and needs.

 

You went leapt from the safety of one family to that of another. When have you've ever enjoyed the satisfaction of success and failure defined in your own terms?

 

From the sound of it, you've never been allowed to just be you? You've always been someones 'something' (daughter, mother, wife, etc) and you've never just being Ann.

 

Being a Mother, a daughter, a wife, is what you are? Not who you are. And, there's a difference there.

 

And I can relate to what you DH is saying as I felt the same toward the XHEX.

 

"I love you enough that I would rather see you happy with another man? Than miserable with me!" (Said at the time of the separation/divorce. I hate her because of what she's done since! )

 

Your not doing the DH any good by staying with him, And your not doing the children any good by staying with him.

 

The OM? Phiiiiffffff! People come and people go ~ there's no one monkey that makes a show!

 

What you need to do is the task that all of us need to eventually do? Seek and find self validation in and with ourselves. Not from the DH, not from the OM. But from within and with yourself.

 

If you've got to go to therapy to do that? Than do so.

 

The first and really only person you've got to love?

 

Is yourself.

 

To seek love and validation through another? Is a Fool's errand. Even with your own children. They grow up, they get busy with their own lives, their own issues, their own problems,................................

 

For most of us? Once your parents are gone? Your pretty much on your own? Sadly for all too many? It happens before their gone!

 

At the end of the day? All we've really got is ourselves ~ and we should live our lives for ourselves.

 

As selfish as that may sound? Its the truth.

 

Don't try and live your life for another! You will be sadly disappointed! Don't live your life for your husband, your children, your parents,..............

 

Live your life for yourself!

 

If they've got a problem with it?

 

That's what it is! They're problem!

 

What you need to be doing is living your life!

 

To its Top!

 

To its fullest!

 

To its best!

 

For You!

 

From birth to age seventy-five?

 

You've only got about 25,000 days to wake up and rub some sun-shine on your face.

 

Lakeside and I along with a lot of others, made a sacrifice through the mud and blood to allow you to do so! To live your life to the fullest and to its top!

 

Don't let us down!

 

Bottom line!

 

Get busy living!

 

Or get busy dying!

 

Ann! Get busy living your life! Not with the DH that you don't love! Not with the re-bound OM!

 

Get busy living YOUR life!

 

For you!

 

Not your parents, not your husband, not your children!

 

For you!

 

Quit waiting to exhale!

[cyabye]

Here we go again ....

 

She has never been in love with her husband, it just isn't there for her, that is not her fault, yes they made a mistake in getting married, she knows that, she doesn't feel at all good about any of this.

 

I am sure being with OM has something to do with her feelings. regardless of what she says now. Um it's called re writing the history. Cheaters do this to make themselves feel better.

 

It sounds as if their families pressured them into marriage. She has given it a good go. Why should she stay miserable the rest of her life. The kids will not be happy if they stay together, I am sure Ann does well at hiding her misery from them, but they will sense it I am sure, I'm not saying that to make Ann feel guilty, I'm saying it because I mean it does not work to stay for the sake of the kids.

 

Misery is a choice. Just like happiness is.

 

She isn't saying her affair is ok, or that she excuses it, she is saying that her loveless marriage is the REASON for the affair, she wants to feel truly loved, is that such a crime?

 

Yes, when you are married to someone else and have made a commitment to that person. She is not only cheating on her husband but also on her children.

 

How many of you women could fall in love with someone who raped you?

Could you stay with someone who caused you to vomit after having sex with them? Doesn't have a lot going for it does it!

What would that say about your self respect?

 

I am not going to justify actions but let me ask you this. The both of you were intoxicated correct? Did you you stop his advancement at all? You were alert and oriented to know what was happening and remembered it fluently? But couldn't do anything about it? Does he look at it as rape or just as the heat of the moment type thing? Hard to prove rape when you are intoxicated and it is with your husband. I am sure the ETOh had nothing to do with the vommitting.

[cyabye]

Why do you give a damn about her husband?! He RAPED her!!!!!! Hello!!

 

2 sides to a story. Hello?

[cyabye]

I don't have much time but just to answer a few Q's here. The OM is divorced and has been for years.

 

I still believe that love IS a feeling. A choice? Not sure about that. I could "choose" to love Joe Shmo on the street - doesn't mean it's going to happen. Yes, we MAKE choices in life. But love is a very strong feeling - the strongest I have ever felt. And I have walked away from the OM before and I can't begin to type the words to describe how I felt. I can't explain those feelings - the worst heartache I have ever experienced. I wouldn't wish that feeling on my worst enemy.

 

But excluding him out of my life - I still don't have that passionate feeling for my H and it kills him. Doesn't he deserve a wife that wants him and is not just staying because she made a promise to him years ago and it would be too hard to break that promise?? Doesn't HE deserve more than that? I feel guilty every time he comes home and I can't walk up to him and kiss him. I can't. I don't know why but I don't feel it. In fact, sadly, I feel dread when he walks in. I don't WANT to feel that but I do. Who would WANT that?? I would give anything to wake up tomorrow and feel love for this man. I would pay millions of dollars for that! My life would be SO much easier and so much happier. But I wake up and my heart sinks. I don't want to live like this. Yes, I want everyone in my life, including my H to be happy. I just don't FEEL it. It's not a CHOICE. I wish I could say.....hell Ann just stay and love the guy cuz that would make everyone ELSE happy. So what about me? I will always wonder what my life could have been like. I will always wonder. Our kids will grow up soon and leave. Then what? Do I travel with this man and fake happiness when he retires?? To me it sounds like a life sentence. I can't have sex with him. I can't. Not becaused of anyone else. But because of me. I just can't explain it. I am so torn and distraught. I want to agree with all of you and do what's right. I want to work and try harder. But I know it's futile and I can't explain why. I just know in my heart that I screwed up royally. I know this. And I would give anything to go back in time and do everything differently.

 

Well as long as you think "love" is a feeling and not an everyday choice, any long term relationship you have will be doomed. The true definition of what love is has been written in 1 Corinthians 13.

Edited November 14, 2009 by cyabye

[HeavenOrHell]

Ann said he raped her and I believe her.

 

So you'd stick with a spouse who repulsed you so much you throw up when they had sex with you?

 

 

That's a VERY strong word and I dont think one should abuse it. From her own words, there was a LOT of drinking involved. Her husband did not pin her down nor did she tell him to stop. She was awake and conscious of the whole situation. Although she never gave consent, and I can understand her feelings of disgust, you cant really call it rape when she never objected either. She remained COMPLETELY PASSIVE in the situation. That's not rape!

[HeavenOrHell]

Bible basher, I should have known

 

Step into the real world.

 

 

2 sides to a story. Hello?

[HeavenOrHell]

Here we go again..

People rarely have affairs when their current relationship/marriage is a happy and fulfilling one, although of course some partners are just greedy. but often it is because things are already wrong in their marriage, as Ann says she has been miserable for 14 years. She turned to this OM because she is miserable, it's OBVIOUS!

 

Yes misery is a choice and so is happiness which is why she wants to leave her husband so she can be happy.

 

Some of you are clearly stuck in miserable marriages, especially if you're christian and seem to enjoy being martyrs, or have been dumped and you are thinking of yourselves and your own situation, SELFISH.

And I'm talking from the point of view whose partner left after 18 years as he was no longer in love with me, why in the hell would I want anyone to force him to have stayed with me if he didn't love me?! And no it wasn't an easy decision and yes we got help for it.

You CAN'T make yourself love someone, it's false.

 

 

Here we go again ....

 

She has never been in love with her husband, it just isn't there for her, that is not her fault, yes they made a mistake in getting married, she knows that, she doesn't feel at all good about any of this.

 

I am sure being with OM has something to do with her feelings. regardless of what she says now. Um it's called re writing the history. Cheaters do this to make themselves feel better.

 

It sounds as if their families pressured them into marriage. She has given it a good go. Why should she stay miserable the rest of her life. The kids will not be happy if they stay together, I am sure Ann does well at hiding her misery from them, but they will sense it I am sure, I'm not saying that to make Ann feel guilty, I'm saying it because I mean it does not work to stay for the sake of the kids.

 

Misery is a choice. Just like happiness is.

 

She isn't saying her affair is ok, or that she excuses it, she is saying that her loveless marriage is the REASON for the affair, she wants to feel truly loved, is that such a crime?

 

Yes, when you are married to someone else and have made a commitment to that person. She is not only cheating on her husband but also on her children.

 

How many of you women could fall in love with someone who raped you?

Could you stay with someone who caused you to vomit after having sex with them? Doesn't have a lot going for it does it!

What would that say about your self respect?

 

I am not going to justify actions but let me ask you this. The both of you were intoxicated correct? Did you you stop his advancement at all? You were alert and oriented to know what was happening and remembered it fluently? But couldn't do anything about it? Does he look at it as rape or just as the heat of the moment type thing? Hard to prove rape when you are intoxicated and it is with your husband. I am sure the ETOh had nothing to do with the vommitting.

[HeavenOrHell]

Wel if it says love is a choice and not a feeling in the bible, it must be true

[ann09]

Ann, I haven't commented on your thread up to now because I really don't know if I can offer you any advice. I see you are getting a lot of heat from some of the people around here and you seem to be open to the criticism and are still around. I respect you for that.

 

I think it's very important for people to earn their way out of a divorce, especially when children are involved. I think it's important that they exhaust every single avenue to try and repair their marriage. Once they've tried every single thing, and the marriage STILL will not work, then, and only then, have they earned their way for a divorce.

 

Personally, I don't think you have earned that right just yet. I'm not saying divorce is completely wrong, and that you should remain in a dead loveless marriage for the rest of your life. Of course not! You and your husband both deserve happiness.

 

However, I believe you've said you've only been in therapy for a few months. Your thoughts are still preoccupied with the OM. And your thoughts are focused around how much you are _not_ in love with your husband. It's hard to give your marriage a proper chance when your thoughts are simply focused on the opposite.

 

They say love is a choice and what I believe they mean by that is how you choose to think about something very often affects the way you FEEL about something. You will never feel any romantic feelings towards your husband when all you focus on is the other man, how much you and your husband have nothing in common, how much kissing him repulses you, etc. If you constantly invision puking while kissing your husband, you are not going to have any fireworks go off when you physically go to kiss him.

 

From what you've written, it sounds like you have not thought of your husband in a very positive light in a very long time. When all you focus on is the negatives, that is all you see. And it's very easy to believe that is the "truth" of your relationship. But what you choose to focus on can affect the way you feel about your relationship. When you first started dating your husband, you said your story had the "awww" factor, people loved hearing your story, and that must have made your heart warm and made you fond of your husband. You also said the way he called you his "dream girl" and the attention he gave you also made you fall in love with him. The attention he gave you, the way he made you feel, the life he could offer you, made you fall in love with him. These were all positive thoughts about him which in turn created positive feelings for him.

 

However, after getting married, your relationship turned toward a parent/child relationship. He held things from you. You probably felt slightly belittled. These are not positive thoughts, so you wont get positive feelings out of them. You had three kids, became exhausted, spent less time nurturing your romantic life with your husband. Had less of a sex life. Felt less passion for your husband. Focused more on how bad the sex was. Focused on how you no longer wanted to kiss him. You focused more and more on the negative which in turn creates more negative feelings for your husband. The ultimate thought is thinking your husband might have raped you. How will you EVER have any romantic feelings towards him if these are the thoughts you are entertaining in your head?

 

I'm not saying your husband is an angel and has no fault in the failure of your marriage. I'm not even saying your marriage does not have any valid problems. Clearly, you both have very bad communication skills. Your needs are not being met and you need to change your relationship from a parent/child relationship to equal partners. You also need to spend more time nurturing romantic feelings in the other.

 

However, I personally dont think you have given your marriage a real fair chance either. You've been preoccupied with thoughts on why your marriage should NOT work, preoccupied with thoughts on how different you two are, and also preoccupied with another man.

 

If you were going to be truly fair to your husband, your children and to yourself, you would first and foremost cut ALL ties to this other man. That includes not entertaining any thoughts about this other man. Get him completely out of your system. Second, you would focus more attention on the positives your husband has to offer. Appreciate the things your husband does for you, and what he can offer you. Third, you put some effort into communicating with your husband and making real effort to change the dynamics of your relationship to something that would make you both happy. If, after all of that, it still does not work, then, and only then, would you have earned your right for a divorce. You would know, deep in your soul, that you did every thing you possibly could to save your marriage and there was nothing else you could do. You would also have no more guilt about the things you have done.

 

 

Extremely insightful. I will read this a few more times today. Thank you for taking the time in helping me sort out my feelings about all this. Much appreciated. You make a lot of sense.

[ann09]

What I think you should do is get your head together as to what Ann wants and needs.

 

You went leapt from the safety of one family to that of another. When have you've ever enjoyed the satisfaction of success and failure defined in your own terms?

 

From the sound of it, you've never been allowed to just be you? You've always been someones 'something' (daughter, mother, wife, etc) and you've never just being Ann.

 

Being a Mother, a daughter, a wife, is what you are? Not who you are. And, there's a difference there.

 

And I can relate to what you DH is saying as I felt the same toward the XHEX.

 

"I love you enough that I would rather see you happy with another man? Than miserable with me!" (Said at the time of the separation/divorce. I hate her because of what she's done since! )

 

Your not doing the DH any good by staying with him, And your not doing the children any good by staying with him.

 

The OM? Phiiiiffffff! People come and people go ~ there's no one monkey that makes a show!

 

What you need to do is the task that all of us need to eventually do? Seek and find self validation in and with ourselves. Not from the DH, not from the OM. But from within and with yourself.

 

If you've got to go to therapy to do that? Than do so.

 

The first and really only person you've got to love?

 

Is yourself.

 

To seek love and validation through another? Is a Fool's errand. Even with your own children. They grow up, they get busy with their own lives, their own issues, their own problems,................................

 

For most of us? Once your parents are gone? Your pretty much on your own? Sadly for all too many? It happens before their gone!

 

At the end of the day? All we've really got is ourselves ~ and we should live our lives for ourselves.

 

As selfish as that may sound? Its the truth.

 

Don't try and live your life for another! You will be sadly disappointed! Don't live your life for your husband, your children, your parents,..............

 

Live your life for yourself!

 

If they've got a problem with it?

 

That's what it is! They're problem!

 

What you need to be doing is living your life!

 

To its Top!

 

To its fullest!

 

To its best!

 

For You!

 

From birth to age seventy-five?

 

You've only got about 25,000 days to wake up and rub some sun-shine on your face.

 

Lakeside and I along with a lot of others, made a sacrifice through the mud and blood to allow you to do so! To live your life to the fullest and to its top!

 

Don't let us down!

 

Bottom line!

 

Get busy living!

 

Or get busy dying!

 

Ann! Get busy living your life! Not with the DH that you don't love! Not with the re-bound OM!

 

Get busy living YOUR life!

 

For you!

 

Not your parents, not your husband, not your children!

 

For you!

 

Quit waiting to exhale!

 

 

Through this difficult journey one thing I have realized is I have never been "alone". (Oddly I envy people that live on their own and take care of themselves). I do believe I jumped from one person to another - and am doing it again. I do believe I need to figure my life out without any outside influences.

Thank you for your inspiring words.

[HeavenOrHell]

Ok, maybe I was wrong, I'll butt out now.

[ann09]

No you weren't wrong. I'm just trying to see everyone's reasonings.

 

I looked at my H this morning and had that same overwhelming feeling of "I don't want to be here with him".