confession. scared.

[hopesndreams]

 

Just back off Ann!

 

Either be part of the answers and questions ~or be gone! Just that easy and simple!

 

You want to be a missiory ~ catch a flight to Rwanda!

 

Gunny, she's not a weak minded female, she's calculating and manipulative. I'm sure she appreciates the pitbull in her corner but seeing as this is a public forum, I can choose to coddle someone in pain or give tough advice and try to bring out the ugly truths to make em quiver, it is my choice and anyone else on this forum to do the same.

 

We actually got down to the nitty gritty in Ann's thread but now it seems it is all talk of "chemicals" and PO'D marine. The one blaring fact in all this, that cannot be overlooked is that there is still an OM. She would die for him. Her words.

 

Ann, just keep with the game plan of using your H for your benefit, it is working and it just needs more time. Pretty soon there will be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

[mikeymad]

That's the lesson to be learned here I think, despite the obvious struggle Ann is facing. One must go into marriage sound of spirit and soul. Depending on someone else to complete you is a recipe for failure-

 

So does that mean that she needs to do this soul searching necessarily outside of the M, or do we just write those off when things reach a certain level, call the whole marriage a wash, seemingly destroying two people (or more) in the process.

 

And dang guys, keep up this contest to see whose d ick is bigger and I might have to get out my yardstick. geesh.

[You Go Girl]

Great point...great post. Michelle Langley has much to say about predetermined roles in her book series. I recognized much of that in my own marriage and in myself.

 

That's the lesson to be learned here I think, despite the obvious struggle Ann is facing. One must go into marriage sound of spirit and soul. Depending on someone else to complete you is a recipe for failure-

 

Thanks, steadfast...I remember bantering a bit with you back and forth a few months ago when I logged in here, it's been awhile, but I've been od'ing on this board for the last two days. Really gets my adrenelin up!

 

Yep...one does have to be sound of spirit and soul. And I'm worried about Ann that she's not. I'm worried that she's grasping at her first real courage in her life--and that courage would dry up like an ice cream in the desert if the OM turns out to not support her emotionally.

I'm afraid she can't emotionally support herself, by herself.

Just read her opening thread--was average, never achieved anything in life but her kids--her kids are terrific accomplishments, I'm not diminishing that!

Ann-- I am rooting for you. I'm all for you to find some courage in life to make your own choices instead of having other people take care of you--I'm all for you learning to take care of yourself. What a big step in life! What a huge accomplishment...

but the big bad world out there is full of sharks...and your OM may be one of them...

Why is he attracted to you in the first place? What personality qualities drew this man to a married woman? Men who pursue married women=RED FLAG, Ann, RED FLAG!

[Steadfast]

 

So does that mean that she needs to do this soul searching necessarily outside of the M, or do we just write those off when things reach a certain level, call the whole marriage a wash, seemingly destroying two people (or more) in the process.

 

 

Mike, there has been SO much ground covered in this thread and SO many different opinions and emotions displayed it's hard to make a definitive statement. Nevertheless, because you've asked, I'll try. My take.

 

If I were involved in pre-marriage counseling I'd have both read this thread as an example of how NOT to approach a martial relationship. Specifically concerning Ann and her marriage, in my opinion it is destroyed. She loves another man, and -as often is the case- finds her husband physically repulsive. What choice do either have but to end it? If you are asking me if I think it's possible that Ann and her husband can ever reconcile, you're asking the wrong person. You'd have to ask her. And him. Anything is possible I suppose, but it would take some major soul searching and attitude adjusting on both sides. Before that can occur, desire must exist. I see none from Ann, so...? A critical element is missing.

 

At some point for them -again, IMO- after the kids and before the affair, there existed a window of opportunity. I'll say it again; when kids are involved, your 'rights' stop where theirs start. I believe this is critical to be a truly good parent. Things have simply gone too far for them. For Ann herself, enough good decisions in a row could allow her the chance to present an outstanding life lesson for the weak of character. I do not believe it is too late for her to become a strong, shining example of truth and principle for her children and others. This however, can't be accomplished if justification for wrong-doing is presented and encouraged.

 

Judging by her latest words that isn't the case. I think she gets it. I hope so.

Edited February 24, 2010 by Steadfast

[ann09]

Lots of food for thought. I read each and every post since I last logged on. I need some time to digest and I will be back.

 

 

 

Thank you everyone - I'm amazed at this support and insight.

[2sunny]

ann - you can choose to use the ignore button if you don't want to read certain perspectives for the time being.

[ann09]

ann - you can choose to use the ignore button if you don't want to read certain perspectives for the time being.

 

 

Yeah i know - but even the posts that are very hard for me to read I have a certain amount of respect for the person posting them because they took that time to put in their 2 cents.

[ann09]

Mike, there has been SO much ground covered in this thread and SO many different opinions and emotions displayed it's hard to make a definitive statement. Nevertheless, because you've asked, I'll try. My take.

 

If I were involved in pre-marriage counseling I'd have both read this thread as an example of how NOT to approach a martial relationship. Specifically concerning Ann and her marriage, in my opinion it is destroyed. She loves another man, and -as often is the case- finds her husband physically repulsive. What choice do either have but to end it? If you are asking me if I think it's possible that Ann and her husband can ever reconcile, you're asking the wrong person. You'd have to ask her. And him. Anything is possible I suppose, but it would take some major soul searching and attitude adjusting on both sides. Before that can occur, desire must exist. I see none from Ann, so...? A critical element is missing.

 

At some point for them -again, IMO- after the kids and before the affair, there existed a window of opportunity. I'll say it again; when kids are involved, your 'rights' stop where theirs start. I believe this is critical to be a truly good parent. Things have simply gone too far for them. For Ann herself, enough good decisions in a row could allow her the chance to present an outstanding life lesson for the weak of character. I do not believe it is too late for her to become a strong, shining example of truth and principle for her children and others. This however, can't be accomplished if justification for wrong-doing is presented and encouraged.

 

Judging by her latest words that isn't the case. I think she gets it. I hope so.

 

 

I'm so aware of all the wrong reasons I got married that I am skeptical of most marriages - when I see young people getting married I catch my breath and just have the highest hopes they didn't have the same feelings I had (and masked).

[ann09]

Thanks, steadfast...I remember bantering a bit with you back and forth a few months ago when I logged in here, it's been awhile, but I've been od'ing on this board for the last two days. Really gets my adrenelin up!

 

Yep...one does have to be sound of spirit and soul. And I'm worried about Ann that she's not. I'm worried that she's grasping at her first real courage in her life--and that courage would dry up like an ice cream in the desert if the OM turns out to not support her emotionally.

I'm afraid she can't emotionally support herself, by herself.

Just read her opening thread--was average, never achieved anything in life but her kids--her kids are terrific accomplishments, I'm not diminishing that!

Ann-- I am rooting for you. I'm all for you to find some courage in life to make your own choices instead of having other people take care of you--I'm all for you learning to take care of yourself. What a big step in life! What a huge accomplishment...

but the big bad world out there is full of sharks...and your OM may be one of them...

Why is he attracted to you in the first place? What personality qualities drew this man to a married woman? Men who pursue married women=RED FLAG, Ann, RED FLAG!

 

 

Thank you for this post. Yes it is a big scary world out there and I am terrified. I am not looking for this OM to make me happy and be another person that can take care of me and guide me. I can't be that way anymore. I have to do this for me and me alone - not because I live in a fairy tale world and think another man is going to make me happy.

 

As for the other man - I lied to him point blank from the start. Sucked him in - stomped on his heart multiple times. Why he loves me to death I do not know. It's a very complicated story - but I have wronged him as well. For my own benefit. I took what I wanted from so many people just to make my little self happy.

[ann09]

Gunny, she's not a weak minded female, she's calculating and manipulative. I'm sure she appreciates the pitbull in her corner but seeing as this is a public forum, I can choose to coddle someone in pain....

 

 

I don't expect to be coddled - and I see all your points of views.

 

And you are right - I am calculating and manipulative. Not very good traits - and ones that have made me look at myself and ask, "who the hell am i???"

 

I try everyday to teach my children right and wrong. To never lie. To be GOOD, decent people. Then I look at myself.....just seems very hypocritical.

 

I have ****ed up immensely. For once I am trying to take the blame - take full ownership of this mess that has become my marriage and salvage what little dignity I have left.

[ann09]

For Chrissakes......don't people look at themselves and their partner ONLY when it comes to being happy? I mean I'm only 31 years old and I consider myself a little of an annomily sometimes because I actually think along these lines.

 

I mean come on....if anyone looks at and values what other people say and or how they act in regards to theirs or anyone else's relationship, they have no business trying to perpetuate fake/false love.

 

I think that some people just can't fathom that they can be happy if their relationship doesn't fit into some perfect little frame that you see in a movie or in that "public" image some couples put off. Personally...I'd rather my relationship/marriage look like a train wreck and yet be the happiest people in the world with each other. Why does it matter if it looks good...it should just BE good!!!

 

Ann....please, please do the stand up thing and put everyone else in your tangled web of a marriage FIRST just this one time. I promise you this...if you can do that, and really do love the OM, you will be able to ride off into the sunset with Mr. Right and at least be able to sleep easy at night. Who knows, maybe you kids will even respect you more for that?

 

 

I agree - and to the outside world, our marriage has always looked good. real good. We BOTH have put on such an act we could win an academy award.

 

I am not looking for perfection. But I still feel like I am living a lie staying married to this man.

[ann09]

after a very long marriage ended - i know my kids are now happy to see me living life as a happy person and a happy Mom. same goes for their Dad.

 

life looks much different now - in a good way. the fact that they see me as a survivor and a warrior instead of the old me that played into that role of the victim who threw a big pity party speaks volumes to them.

 

i am my own person - with or without a man - and i know what happy looks like for me. and others around me get the benefit of what that happy looks like too.

 

it was all a process getting to this point but i had to become willing to try new things (letting go of the life i'd known for 23 years) - try to change - and to be open minded enough to open up a world of possibilities... that is when everything started to look different, better and new again.

 

i had hope - and hope is a beautiful thing.

 

it takes courage and strength - to do what you have never done before... but to just not try at all is just weak... a weak excuse for absolutely no effort to see what happy can actually look like for you.

 

 

Inspiring words. Thank you.

[ann09]

Ann

 

You do not need to share you answer with the LS members.

 

Did you and the OM use a condom?

 

The reason I ask this is to maybe give you some insight.

 

In my younger days I was a player and I almost always wore a condom. Note that this was before the days of HIV. The reason I wore them was that on a couple of occassions I found that my partner had gotten pregnant.

 

In short I had been lied to. They had told me that they were on BC and in fact one on purpose got PG hoping to ensnarl me.

 

I didn't realize what was going on, but I found that there was a difference in the following days after having sex with a new partner. In the pre-condom days, at our next meeting my new partner would be all over me and was quickly developing deep feelings for me. Within minutes after meeting up again, my new partner began to get them bedroom eyes, without me even making advances.

 

After I began to religiosily using condoms, I found it easier to form a friends with benefits relationship. The bedroom eyes were not as big as before. My new partners did not seems to get so deeply attached as before. It is hard to believe, but there was a time in my live I hated to hear the words "I love you". And after I began to almost always use condoms these words came up less frequently

 

I am not a love chemical expert, but from what I understand of some of the theory, is that when a male ejaculates in a female, the woman's body then takes his deposit and begins to customize some of her love chemicals to form an exclusive bond with her lover. Thus she begins to fall in love with her lover, and her love chemicals take over, and she begins to reject the advances of other possible lovers

 

Never used a condom - I won't get into details why.

 

Oddly, always used one when with husband, except when we were trying for kids.

 

And I think I just shared way too much.

[ann09]

Ok, there's not enough hours in the day to read this entire thread. But I did read the first several pages and peeked at some more.

Ann--This goes back to when you first married. You weren't ready to be married to anyone.

Now do this--think of the OM and you getting together--and then finding out that he's a cheater and he's cheating on you.

Do this because--this change that you are about to embark on MUST be about you. If you find your happiness relying on the OM--you are surely to be disappointed at some point. He is only a man, and as much as you believe you will find that great connection with him in real time--you could end up sadly and very disappointed. He must come off that pedestal you have put him up on--as someone said much earlier in this thread. He is going to be a person that you will find has many flaws. The only reason I am saying this is because I have a fear that you hold him up too high--perhaps unrealistically so! And that worries me Ann.

You've never been independent in your entire life. And that's what this whole story is all about. Ann wants to finally feel good about being Ann--and have a little courage to pursue a happiness.

It's a long long road to true independence, and it NEVER relies on another replacement relationship. If it does--the law of nature applies--and the whole thing will come crashing down.

Ann, ask yourself this. Would you leave your marriage if you found out that the OM was with a prostitute last night?

You still want to leave. But you need to leave with open eyes! You don't really know the OM because you haven't lived with him for years. It's a long-distance relationship at best.

Hurdles to adulthood can't be walked around, they must be jumped. Becoming an independent adult is one of them. You've never done that. Yes, you do need to do it to find self worth. Because you married without finding your independence first, now you must find it, many years later. You are unfulfilled and unfinished, and not yet as whole as you would like to be.

Your marriage is a two-way street, and the reason your H calls you Kiddo, and treats you as an object sexually is because he too gets what he wants from the relationship even though it is much less than healthy and real than the type of relationship you seek. You made a deal with him. You both agreed to a marriage based on roles and family wants without the love part of the equation. I don't believe he loves you anymore than you love him--you made a deal, and he wants to keep status quo.

Go--complete yourself--you never have--and you need to complete yourself. But please do it with the realization that you can't be vulnerable if the OM should turn out to be a total loser.

I am really afraid that you are relying on the idea that the OM's love is going to fulfill you--and I'm afraid that that will come crashing down as a horrific disappointment.

You want to become a strong woman, a person complete in and by themself. There's only one path to that--and it's never relying on an OM to hold your self-esteem up--which can only come from you and your pride in your own accomplishments.

So please go with the expectation that the OM relationship is going to fall apart--

and who is Ann when Ann is just alone, just Ann?

That's the scary question, isn't it?

It's the only one that matters.

 

 

Your last question - yes that is a very scary one.

 

You pinned me perfectly with this post.

[2sunny]

through courage and strength we allow endless possibilities to be considered.

 

if you begin to change a few things - you may find what happy begins to look like for you... if you find through trial and error what works and what doesn't - that is a start. to start is better than doing nothing at all - so at least begin to try different things to see what works for you.

[ann09]

Hi Ann. Your post - I so totally get it. I have been there and I am still there in a lot of ways. If you stay out of a sense of obligation and responsibility you are sacrificing yourself for the happiness of others. When I was at that point a few years back anxiety and depression took over, and I reluctantly started an anti-depressant, which left me feeling hollow inside but certainly took the edge off of my emotions. That left me able to cope by rote with the day to day stress. The problem then was that I just coasted, and was unable to make a decisions at all - even about the littlest things. That's the anxiety part kicking in. Because I had calmed down, we became "complacent" as I now call it, for a little while, but the problem had merely been swept under the carpet.

 

In retrospect I realize that I should have left years ago... it would have saved me a lot of grief. I didn't really do my children any favours by staying, although at the time they were part of the reason I stayed - to give them family stability. And because I really felt that I was bound by my wedding vows to stick it out. I tried so hard it was ridiculous.

 

It's strange how sometimes we can feel trapped in a marriage. It is a real feeling when the relationship becomes more of a cage than a comfort. There are things that I want to do with the rest of my life, but so long as I am married to my husband, I will never do any of them. His idea of a lovely retirement is lots of unnecessary houswork all year long and then a 10 day vacation somewhere warm in February. Um, no.... he is like his mother that way - his house is his God and more important to him than friends, children or grandchildren. While he likes to think that he gives me the freedom to fly he is incapable of either supporting or accepting any version of our life together except his own. He is narrow minded that way. When I look outside his narrow boundaries for us, he reacts a lot the same way your husband does - trying to pull me back into his plan. I am a very creative person, and his rigidity (which is getting worse all the time) and glumness absolutely sucks the life right out of me. There were years when my feet would hit the floor in the morning and I would think to myself, OMG, what have I done?

 

I do understand your need to grow, know yourself and be happy and content. You cannot make yourself feel any of those things while your primary relationship is broken, nor can you make yourself fall in love with someone again - not when you feel the way you do now about him.

 

One day you may just have a moment when you know in your mind what it is that you must do, and find the strength to do it. I know I did. It's hard, but it can be done. Go slowly, don't rush, don't feel that you have to decide today or tomorrow, just know that one day soon you will know.

 

I want to be the kind of woman now, when my feet hit the floor in the morning the Devil says "Crap! She's up!"

 

 

Honestly, when I met this OM - that's when I wish I had started therapy and all the stuff I have been tackling the past 7-8 mos. I wish I had done this years ago. My kids would have been younger and maybe it would have been easier for them. I cringe because theyre at crucial ages. My son is 12 and changes are occuring - and I fear for him. I know the statistics aren't good for children in broken homes. I live for these kids and am very afraid for them.

[ann09]

We don't have great feelings for our spouses 24/7/365. That is reality.

 

IMHO, you don't have "feelings" for your husband because deep down you don't want to.

 

If you truly don't have feelings for him then why are you still there? Are you just using him in a way slightly different than what you have posted about the years before this?

 

 

 

If it were some magical chemical thing then there wouldn't be something called choice. Are you a slave to this chemical reaction or are you a human being with free will?

 

 

 

Reads like a limbic system thing. Ask your therapist if somewhere along the way you linked him with something repulsive in your own mind.

 

Do you think the sights and smells in the delivery room were "wonderful"? It stunk and some of the sights were gross. However, that's how babies are born. I didn't think less of my wife, the children, or the people in the delivery room. It was reality and I still loved my wife and children.

 

(Written with care and not meant as an insult ann09...) You have some growing up to do and there is no way around it. You will either do that with an intact family or all by yourself. Either way, you will have to grow up eventually.

 

 

I agree with your last line. I really do need to grow up. That's what I am trying to do.

[ann09]

I so disagree with this... how does choosing to accept that we will be miserable for the rest of our lives make us happier in the long run? No...it doesn't make the children any happier now or later, it doesn't make hubby happier in the long run, and it certainly won't make Ann feel any better. I have been down this road, and it takes a strong person to persevere in a broken marriage when their heart isn't in it.

 

What do you think Ann is? A Saint? Saint Ann? No, we are all just humans trying to do the best we can in an uncertain world. I realize that she has feelings for OM, and that makes it even more difficult for her to deal with the guilt associated with those feelings and the obligations she feels she has for her family.

 

Ann would be better off making a decision that will make her happy, so that she can be the best mother she can be to her children and grow as an individual. Ann is not unfeeling towards others, she is torn between self-sacrifice and and what she feels within herself.

 

Urging someone to stick with it when every nerve in their body is screaming for help and understanding is just cruel.

 

 

Exactly...........you nailed it once again.

[ann09]

Each of us have our own individual love-map. Its fully developed by the age of 5-8. Its indulges the five senses of sight, touch, taste, smell, and hearing.

 

Once our love-maps have been set in place for the rest of our lives it will dictate who and who we're not attracted to. It answers the question we've all asked at one point in our lives? "What does she ever see in him?" Its the reason complete opposites are attracted to one another.

 

You can't change your love-map once its been set in place. That is you cannot help be attracted to the person that your love map dictates your to be attracted to.

 

Conversely you cannot make yourself feel attracted to someone.

 

Once you've meet someone whose love-map closely overlays with your own personal love-map, the brain kicks in a chemical called phenylethylamine which is a chemical cousin to amphetamines.

 

 

 

Ann your love-map doesn't match of that ofyour husband. It never has and it never will. You can't force it to, you can't make it do so.

 

The reason you fell for the OM is because your and his love-maps overlaid almost perfectly.

 

You cheated because you love-map dictated that you do so. That you seek out another whose love-maps matched yours.

 

We cannot choose who we're attracted to nor who we're in love or fall in love with. Our own individual love maps won't let us.

 

By staying in this marriage not only are you robbing yourself of so-called "true love" and happiness, your robbing your husband of the same. And the opportunity to go find someone whose love-map overlays with his.

 

Both of you deserve so much more out of life.

 

 

I agree that we can't choose who we love and are attracted to. If I could choose....I would choose the man I married, built a life with and had children with.

[FeelingLonely98]

Why is he attracted to you in the first place? What personality qualities drew this man to a married woman? Men who pursue married women=RED FLAG, Ann, RED FLAG!

 

RED FLAG indeed!! And why would you Ann (or other WASs) be attracted to someone willing to sleep with a married person. No matter how much the WAS says their M is horrible, terrible, beyond repair, blah-blah-blah, ... The OM/OW is knowingly sleeping with a M person & knowingly (and uncaringly?) hurting the BS. I personally think an OM/OW, if they end marrying the WAS, will almost guaranteed cheat on the WAS.

 

I agree that we can't choose who we love and are attracted to. If I could choose....I would choose the man I married, built a life with and had children with.

 

{sigh} It is a proven fact that love changes over time from the love / attraction that we can not control (i.e., butterflies in the stomach, strong attraction - the kind ann says she no longer has for her H - the incredible passion, ETC). This is love that is based on chemicals. This can not sustain and evolves into a different type of love. A love that is unconditional, one that is forgiving, one that is a choice. Yes, those that choose to love their partner after the glitter wears off. I loved my XW this way. It was no longer as it was many years ago. The attraction was not the same. It was different though. And it was definitely deeper and more satisfying. I loved her because of who she was. Because she "committed" to our relationship. Because she supported me through good times and bad. Because she accepted me for who I was. Because we shared in so many things. Because we felt like friends, lovers, spouses, ... Because I chose to love her. She had faults - enough that I could have chosen to not love her but I didn't.

 

I know it sounds hypocritical now, but that is how I felt. Apparently, not how she felt - or at least not when her MLC took over herself. I digress no more ...

 

I too agree that Ann is way too far gone to ever consider anything other than leaving her H and family and M. It seems like there is something else that she is looking for before she walks... like she is waiting for a sign from above (half kidding guys), or validation that it is ok to do what she is doing, or the day her husband says that "yes it is ok Ann, a D for us is the best thing" ... I struggle to understand what she is waiting for. It is not for me to understand I know - it is for her to figure out. IMO I feel Ann should leave the house and H and M and family. She should file now. (She says she is not filing because they are doing this amicably - but amicable or not - she must file???) File now to take a step forward. Move out and THEN you can start figuring out who Ann is. This thread has evoilved into something so far off the original intent. Ann should start a new thread to discuss "discovering" herself. I can see Ann floundering here on this thread indefinitely - until a moderator closes it.

[mikeymad]

I agree. It seems as if she has made up her mind, she has support for that position, and enough material to read through for days to come. This thread has become a burning train wreck...nobody wants to look, but they can't resist (that's why it's the most viewed thread recently by about oh 10000 hits). There's been a lot of emotional responses posted, most likely to some sort of way of lashing out as she has become a figurehead of our personal problems both pro and con. Now let's stop this and let her figure some **** out and make a move without having to feel like she has to read all of our comments. Plus this thread is about to get more hits than google and everyone will get in trouble

[You Go Girl]

. Plus this thread is about to get more hits than google and everyone will get in trouble

 

cute Mikey--the bit about google!

 

Ann--you said I nailed you on that post. Ok. big deep breath. Next question--forgive me for not reading the entire thread--it would take so many hours.

Do you have a job? career? anything?

I'm going to make another leap here of gut instinct about Ann--and find out if I'm right.

You married safe.

Now people who calculate and marry safe--don't leave if they don't think they will still be safe.

that means one thing--Ann thinks she is going to walk with enough money that she won't be in trouble financially.

Let's say that's true--for awhile.

What about later, when the coffer has dried up? Because it will.

That's why I stressed that the reason to leave a marriage has to be your own accomplishments. That most certainly includes financial independence.

Finding a new husband is NOT a career move.

You will resent him.

[ann09]

cute Mikey--the bit about google!

 

Ann--you said I nailed you on that post. Ok. big deep breath. Next question--forgive me for not reading the entire thread--it would take so many hours.

Do you have a job? career? anything?

I'm going to make another leap here of gut instinct about Ann--and find out if I'm right.

You married safe.

Now people who calculate and marry safe--don't leave if they don't think they will still be safe.

that means one thing--Ann thinks she is going to walk with enough money that she won't be in trouble financially.

Let's say that's true--for awhile.

What about later, when the coffer has dried up? Because it will.

That's why I stressed that the reason to leave a marriage has to be your own accomplishments. That most certainly includes financial independence.

Finding a new husband is NOT a career move.

You will resent him.

 

 

I had a career until I had my first baby. Then we made the joint decision that I would stay home while he worked. So, no, I have nothing except my kids to be proud of. No other accomplishments. Nothing.

[You Go Girl]

Ok. That nails one thing Ann--

all your new found courage and confidence comes from the OM.

That's very scary Ann. It's not coming from you and your accomplishments--it's coming solely from another person and that person could oh so terribly let you down.

You did it bass ackwards Ann. We get confidence from our accomplishments--and an affair isn't an accomplishment.

 

Ok--damage control on saving your own life advice.

 

What do you have to do to get back into your career? What other job prospects do you have?

You need a financial action plan. It may take years of schooling to re-educate to get back some certification or whatever you need. You need to create a plan and start acting on it immediately. Even if it means taking a part-time job at wherever, just to get back into the ball game.

 

This IS the most important issue here Ann. You're not a complete whole person on your own without a way of taking care of yourself financially. Maybe you're loaded and never need work again, I don't know. But most of us aren't, so I'll assume you aren't either.

You have a void that needs filled--accomplishment, something to be proud of Ann for.

That starts with finding a wee bit of pride in some kind of work.

 

Thanks for being so honest--it's the only way anybody can help you here!

I'm still rooting for you--for YOU--not for your marriage, not for your affair--just YOU as a person, and the growth you need and want, whether you stay or go.

[FeelingLonely98]

I had a career until I had my first baby. Then we made the joint decision that I would stay home while he worked. So, no, I have nothing except my kids to be proud of. No other accomplishments. Nothing.

 

Ok. That nails one thing Ann--

all your new found courage and confidence comes from the OM.

That's very scary Ann. It's not coming from you and your accomplishments--it's coming solely from another person and that person could oh so terribly let you down. You did it bass ackwards Ann. We get confidence from our accomplishments--and an affair isn't an accomplishment.

 

Ok--damage control on saving your own life advice.

 

What do you have to do to get back into your career? What other job prospects do you have?

You need a financial action plan. It may take years of schooling to re-educate to get back some certification or whatever you need. You need to create a plan and start acting on it immediately. Even if it means taking a part-time job at wherever, just to get back into the ball game.

 

This IS the most important issue here Ann. You're not a complete whole person on your own without a way of taking care of yourself financially. Maybe you're loaded and never need work again, I don't know. But most of us aren't, so I'll assume you aren't either.

You have a void that needs filled--accomplishment, something to be proud of Ann for.

That starts with finding a wee bit of pride in some kind of work.

 

Thanks for being so honest--it's the only way anybody can help you here!

I'm still rooting for you--for YOU--not for your marriage, not for your affair--just YOU as a person, and the growth you need and want, whether you stay or go.

 

Nothing to be proud of??? I bet you're wrong. Wow - you have practically zero self-esteem ... Ann - do you not have good friends? Then you can say that you are a good loyal friend. That's something to be proud of - an accomplishment. Do you have any education? (even just a HS diploma) That's something to be proud of - an accomplishment. Do you ever volunteer and help people out whether formal volunteering or just helping a friend or family member? That's something to be proud of - an accomplishment. Are you religious or spiritual? That's something to be proud of - an accomplishment. Were you a good cook, homemaker, ... ETC.? That's something to be proud of - an accomplishment. Are you passionate about anything? (politics? reading? a hobby? ... ETC.?) That's something to be proud of - an accomplishment. All of these are things to be proud of in some sense. There's probably hundreds more? Not on the level of offspring for sure - but I think you get my drift.

YGG may be on to something ... you feel little or no self-worth. One's children are a great sense of pride and probably the most prideful thing any of us will ever have. But that can NOT be enough. Think about this - if you really have nothing to be proud of - then make something of it. Tell me 5 things you can be proud of. (NOT the OM)