2sunny Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 for some reason i think there is a missing link here that may show in a daily journal. even when i think i'm being honest with myself and others - i realize at times, i'm not. this pretending or failure to understand how i truly feel keeps me in a state of denial or being delusional - even to myself. how can i expect to know something when i really don't know it? so, a journal may help to acknowledge what is actually going on, how you are processing it, what you are telling yourself and what your action or reaction is to any given situation. don't be surprised... you may see things you think you should have noticed long ago and out of sheer habit chose to be a gal with her eyes closed. any and all situations should be recorded. any and all actions/words on your part should be recorded... remember, you are searching for clarity and potentially a new method of operating that can give you a sense of happy is to look like for your future.
FreeNow Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 and that just made me lose it. No poster on a forum can make you "lose it." Get the point? i spent well over a decade trying to be the perfect wife. There's more flawed logic! How about trying to spend the next decade being yourself?
2sunny Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 scorp - the is a forum to attempt to "help" by making suggestions... do not kick someone when they are down - that certainly doesn't "help" her.
Author ann09 Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 Where exactly is the OM these days? If you don't want to continue being weak, why haven't you moved out and given H chance to come to terms with you leaving? You kissed him not long ago to see if there were still feelings there. You are still giving him hope. He is still hopeful now. Which brings me back to the first question. Where is OM, the one you fell "in love" with? He is living his life. and don't put ****ing quotes around falling in love. I did fall in love. sorry. guess I am just a whore huh.
Author ann09 Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 No poster on a forum can make you "lose it." Get the point? There's more flawed logic! How about trying to spend the next decade being yourself? i'm trying. no one can make me lose it. that post just made me emotional is all.
Author ann09 Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 you said, you never really loved your H from the inception,you just did the things out of obligation...i can bring that posts (don't have time)....so what does that mean.... i am asking you again , why can't you file...when you are so desperate to to catch the freedom i love him still. i have known him since I was 6 yrs old. old family friends. i will always love him. just not in the way i see other wives loving their husbands. i truly want to but i just dont.
Author ann09 Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 Where exactly is the OM these days? If you don't want to continue being weak, why haven't you moved out and given H chance to come to terms with you leaving? You kissed him not long ago to see if there were still feelings there. You are still giving him hope. He is still hopeful now. Which brings me back to the first question. Where is OM, the one you fell "in love" with? I didn't kiss him to give him hope. It wasn't a thought out thing. It just happened - it was all of 2 seconds and sporadic. caught me off guard. i think a part of me felt very connected to him right at that moment - but it wasn't a positive thing. and i apologize for the harsh post above in response to yours. it was off the cuff. having a very difficult afternoon. i am sorry. and yes, i felt very guilty for thinking i possibly gave him false hope but i know i didn't - he knew and felt what i did. ugh i am so confused. i actually think i am losing my mind.
hopesndreams Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 He is living his life. and don't put ****ing quotes around falling in love. I did fall in love. sorry. guess I am just a whore huh. Whoa!!! I didn't use that word and didn't imply it either. Ultra sensitive huh? This OM you fell in love with, what happened after that? As in, you fell in love with him but he is no longer in your life? What did you go through when it ended? Has it ended?
hopesndreams Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 I didn't kiss him to give him hope. It wasn't a thought out thing. It just happened - it was all of 2 seconds and sporadic. caught me off guard. i think a part of me felt very connected to him right at that moment - but it wasn't a positive thing. and i apologize for the harsh post above in response to yours. it was off the cuff. having a very difficult afternoon. i am sorry. and yes, i felt very guilty for thinking i possibly gave him false hope but i know i didn't - he knew and felt what i did. ugh i am so confused. i actually think i am losing my mind. You felt connected and kissed him. Has the guilt prevented that connection from being positive?
Author ann09 Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 you said, you never really loved your H from the inception,you just did the things out of obligation...i can bring that posts (don't have time)....so what does that mean.... i am asking you again , why can't you file...when you are so desperate to to catch the freedom I am not desperate to catch the freedom as you put it. I am tired of living in fear. My H comes home everyday and looks so sad and so strained and it breaks my heart. he's a decent man and didn't deserve this. so my feeling like the worst person on this earth never goes away. we're not sleeping in the same bed - but he has come in the past 2 nights - waking me up and wanting to talk. I end up crying and he comes over and puts his arms around me. i shudder and push him away and that sets him off into a tangent. then it escalates. it never ends or goes away. i look at my kids daily and think...how can i do this to them? I am the most selfish person that's ever lived. yet if i don't leave this situation - i will lose a part of myself and never be happy. yet if i make myself happy - i will ruin their happy little lives. it's such a dominoe effect on SO many people. if i stay, everyone is happy. if i leave, I am happy - but then no one else is. what do I do??????????????????? someone please help me.
Author ann09 Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 You felt connected and kissed him. Has the guilt prevented that connection from being positive? no. i could easily get past the guilt if i could muster up feelings for him. if i could wake up tomorrow and love him and make him happy and be a faithful wonderful wife - i would in a heartbeat. it was almost a chemical reaction. when I smell him i get a little nauseous. weird i know. i can't control it. i can't even explain it.
Author ann09 Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 Whoa!!! I didn't use that word and didn't imply it either. Ultra sensitive huh? This OM you fell in love with, what happened after that? As in, you fell in love with him but he is no longer in your life? What did you go through when it ended? Has it ended? I'm sorry. Yes, ultra sensitive. We parted ways. I went thru hell. still am. But I deserve that.
hopesndreams Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 I am not desperate to catch the freedom as you put it. I am tired of living in fear. My H comes home everyday and looks so sad and so strained and it breaks my heart. he's a decent man and didn't deserve this. so my feeling like the worst person on this earth never goes away. we're not sleeping in the same bed - but he has come in the past 2 nights - waking me up and wanting to talk. I end up crying and he comes over and puts his arms around me. i shudder and push him away and that sets him off into a tangent. then it escalates. it never ends or goes away. i look at my kids daily and think...how can i do this to them? I am the most selfish person that's ever lived. yet if i don't leave this situation - i will lose a part of myself and never be happy. yet if i make myself happy - i will ruin their happy little lives. it's such a dominoe effect on SO many people. if i stay, everyone is happy. if i leave, I am happy - but then no one else is. what do I do??????????????????? someone please help me. That is not necessarily the case. Is happiness to you having your best friend, H, there for you, whatever the case may be, but also having someone else in your life to fulfill your desires, whatever they may be? If you are truly hell bent on extricating yourself from this M and you achieve that goal, what then? What do you have in your life that is a passion?
hopesndreams Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 I'm sorry. Yes, ultra sensitive. We parted ways. I went thru hell. still am. But I deserve that. You are tight-lipped about the OM. Why?
GorillaTheater Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Ann, give me your husband's contact information. I'd be happy to break this log jam up for you.
Author ann09 Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 You are tight-lipped about the OM. Why? Because I love him more than life itself. Sorry. But I do. And always will.
hopesndreams Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Because I love him more than life itself. Sorry. But I do. And always will. And there we have it folks, in a nutshell. As long as there is an OM in the picture, there is no hope. It's done. Over. Please spare the H from unending suffering. Go on your happy way.
FreeNow Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 i'm trying. no one can make me lose it. that post just made me emotional is all. Yes, this is a very emotional topic for you. It's understandable.
Author ann09 Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 Please click one of the Quick Reply icons in the posts above to activate Quick Reply.
GorillaTheater Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 As long as there is an OM in the picture, there is no hope. And no marriage. Hence... It's done. Over. Please spare the H from unending suffering. Go on your happy way. Yes, for God's sake (and everybody else's, including the kids) just put an official end to this trainwreck of a marriage.
FreeNow Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 i love him still. i have known him since I was 6 yrs old. old family friends. i will always love him. just not in the way i see other wives loving their husbands. i truly want to but i just dont. That love can be built upon. You both already have a family. I propose that if you work on yourself, put a hold on the divorce, and be faithful during the process, you might find an amicable way to keep your family intact and be happy yourself. You and husband agree on a time frame, like at least a year, and then be a family. You work on losing these feelings for the OM and on learning what constitutes real love. At barest minimum it will buy your children another year of stability.
mikeymad Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 i love him still. i have known him since I was 6 yrs old. old family friends. i will always love him. just not in the way i see other wives loving their husbands. i truly want to but i just dont. Believe me, you're not the only ones having problems. Many of the people you think are OK are going through hell themselves. A window pane view looking in everything seems fine. People are good at denying something is wrong until it reaches a critical threshold. I mean look at when most people come here...crisis mode. When people in a relationship can show they are hurting, they are either conscious enough to realize they need help, or are in a major crisis. My wife said the same thing, that we don't do what "other couples do". That's probably because each interaction with another human being is unique and unreproducible. The problem with comparing yourself to the "average couple" is that NO ONE IS AVERAGE! Relationship dynamics are complicated enough without looking for the answers. Ann, you have all the answers inside of you already. You just need to cut through your own fluff meter. And as far as your comment, you previously stated that you would die for your kids, and later commented you love the OM more than life itself. That puts all of those people in one category, and your H in a different one. And to put that if you stayed, you would never be happy, and that if you left you would be happy. Those blanket statements are dangerous, because you choose to neglect the chance that things could work out with you and H, or you could leave and still be perfectly miserable.
Chingaling Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 I am not desperate to catch the freedom as you put it. I am tired of living in fear. My H comes home everyday and looks so sad and so strained and it breaks my heart. he's a decent man and didn't deserve this. so my feeling like the worst person on this earth never goes away. we're not sleeping in the same bed - but he has come in the past 2 nights - waking me up and wanting to talk. I end up crying and he comes over and puts his arms around me. i shudder and push him away and that sets him off into a tangent. then it escalates. it never ends or goes away. i look at my kids daily and think...how can i do this to them? I am the most selfish person that's ever lived. yet if i don't leave this situation - i will lose a part of myself and never be happy. yet if i make myself happy - i will ruin their happy little lives. it's such a dominoe effect on SO many people. if i stay, everyone is happy. if i leave, I am happy - but then no one else is. what do I do??????????????????? someone please help me. Hi Ann. Your post - I so totally get it. I have been there and I am still there in a lot of ways. If you stay out of a sense of obligation and responsibility you are sacrificing yourself for the happiness of others. When I was at that point a few years back anxiety and depression took over, and I reluctantly started an anti-depressant, which left me feeling hollow inside but certainly took the edge off of my emotions. That left me able to cope by rote with the day to day stress. The problem then was that I just coasted, and was unable to make a decisions at all - even about the littlest things. That's the anxiety part kicking in. Because I had calmed down, we became "complacent" as I now call it, for a little while, but the problem had merely been swept under the carpet. In retrospect I realize that I should have left years ago... it would have saved me a lot of grief. I didn't really do my children any favours by staying, although at the time they were part of the reason I stayed - to give them family stability. And because I really felt that I was bound by my wedding vows to stick it out. I tried so hard it was ridiculous. It's strange how sometimes we can feel trapped in a marriage. It is a real feeling when the relationship becomes more of a cage than a comfort. There are things that I want to do with the rest of my life, but so long as I am married to my husband, I will never do any of them. His idea of a lovely retirement is lots of unnecessary houswork all year long and then a 10 day vacation somewhere warm in February. Um, no.... he is like his mother that way - his house is his God and more important to him than friends, children or grandchildren. While he likes to think that he gives me the freedom to fly he is incapable of either supporting or accepting any version of our life together except his own. He is narrow minded that way. When I look outside his narrow boundaries for us, he reacts a lot the same way your husband does - trying to pull me back into his plan. I am a very creative person, and his rigidity (which is getting worse all the time) and glumness absolutely sucks the life right out of me. There were years when my feet would hit the floor in the morning and I would think to myself, OMG, what have I done? I do understand your need to grow, know yourself and be happy and content. You cannot make yourself feel any of those things while your primary relationship is broken, nor can you make yourself fall in love with someone again - not when you feel the way you do now about him. One day you may just have a moment when you know in your mind what it is that you must do, and find the strength to do it. I know I did. It's hard, but it can be done. Go slowly, don't rush, don't feel that you have to decide today or tomorrow, just know that one day soon you will know. I want to be the kind of woman now, when my feet hit the floor in the morning the Devil says "Crap! She's up!"
FreeNow Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 it never ends or goes away. Honestly, if you keep reinforcing that in your own mind then it never will. i look at my kids daily and think...how can i do this to them? I am the most selfish person that's ever lived. yet if i don't leave this situation - i will lose a part of myself and never be happy. yet if i make myself happy - i will ruin their happy little lives. There is the basic decision; the happiness for the children or yourself. For some of us parents it was a no brainer. But ya know what? After a while we realized that we were happier in the long run by choosing what was best for the children. Choose your own perceived happiness and if you have a conscience then it will never let you live down the guilt. what do I do??????????????????? someone please help me. Determine to keep your family together. Stay in IC and work diligently on yourself.
mikeymad Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 so where is this devastation part coming from....is it just an assumption to stay or what.... maybe (and I'm not trying to seem harsh) that you didn't feel you deserved a great life so you sabotaged the marriage with the OM, and then when you found out things didn't work with the OM that the marriage was still there, and that is the safe place to go. The devastation is because you messed up two different situations and whatever path you choose someone gets hurt.
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