confession. scared.

[ann09]

Btw, to all that are trying to defend me (thank u) don't bother - all I'm reading in most of these posts are words from very, very sad men. Whether they've been unwrongfully dumped - I don't know. But I sort of understand their anger. It doesn't matter that I've said I've tried or that I'm no longer a liar. To them I'm a woman leaving her H - no matter what the circumstance, to them I'm evil. No matter what. None of them read my posts - they're too angry. And that's ok because I understand it.

[imagine]

I think there is a facility to switch off nuisance callers.

 

I am glad that you can recognize bitterness. Possibly you are experiencing it now. I know that marriage can change flavour from day to day. Many folk write in to confess their own unhappiness in marriage.

 

May you find strength and resolution in yourself to overcome difficulties. I pray inspiration would fill your heart in order to change your husband. - Through obedience.

 

In my world, I am a servant to my God, my wife and family. I pray God gives us the strength to deal will these tasks.

[dgiirl]

Ann, I'm sad to hear of your decision. I still firmly believe that while the other man is still in the picture, physically or just in one's thoughts, one is not giving their marriage a chance.

 

I'm also sad to hear that both of you are going to give your kids one "last" Christmas. If you move out in January, your kids are going to know the whole Christmas was a charade and will resent the two of you for it. My aunt and uncle did something similar and all I remember about it is sadness and betrayal.

 

However, there is no way to know if you'll "suffer forever" after getting divorced. Four years later, my exh has a child with his mistress, and presumably doing well, although I have zero contact with him. I hate him for that. I wish his life was ****, it would make me, the betrayed spouse, feel better. But in my case, my exh literally did not try. He came home one day and dropped the d-bomb and moved out the very next day.

 

At least, I can give you more credit in finding LS, sticking around despite the heat, going to marriage counseling, and being honest with your husband and giving him enough time to accept your decision before leaving.

 

Does he know about the OM? I think before you settle your divorce settlement you tell him there is/was another man. It might not be in your best interest in regards to the divorce settlement, but it is the right thing to do.

[karnak]

Yes Ann. You're right. They are bitter.

 

I know. I've been there. Done that.

 

I've had my share of betrayals and dumps throughout my life. I've been betrayes by people who I thought to be my best friends and people who loved me.

 

Not so long ago I had a woman who said she really loved me as she had loved no other man before. That she was 100% sure of her feelings and that I was the most important person in her life. She kept reapeating that for several years.

 

Truth is that she was only after my money. Once the money was gone, so was she. It's amazing the lengths people will go to attain their goals. Sometimes I think they almost believe their own lies.

 

Unlike most of the girls I've known in my life, I think you're an honest woman Ann. And I respect you for that.

[HOTGIMMICK]

i was lead here from another forum which you could say is the rival to loveshack.

 

but reading your posts i felt compeled to post.

 

i glad your honesty has finally come out.

 

it's generally agreed that your past actions was a major mistake.

 

but don't be fooled that your husband had no idea what was going on. he did. he knew that the sex was bad. the marriage was not working out and i am not happy that he himself didn't ask for a divorce. he should have realised this ages ago but realised that you submitted to his needs and used it to his advantage.

 

as a man myself i advocate for him to be mature about this and be willing to let you go. so he himself could get into another marriage he can have success in for his own happiness.

 

yes he could hide behind the excuse that you never told him but that is just him fooling himself.

[karnak]

Ann

 

I wish you and your family a Merry Christmas.

 

And I hope that the holiday season has provided you an insight into what's best for you and your family.

 

May 2010 be a happy and prosperous year to you and those who love you

 

All the best to you, girl

[ann09]

Ann

 

I wish you and your family a Merry Christmas.

 

And I hope that the holiday season has provided you an insight into what's best for you and your family.

 

May 2010 be a happy and prosperous year to you and those who love you

 

All the best to you, girl

 

 

Thank you.

 

I haven't been on here in a while. The holidays were a whirlwind. We pretty much put all this aside and focused on the kids and family. It was tough - but also very easy to almost be in denial. It's all come back now with avengeance. I have walked away completely from the other man. My husb is the one that seems to want to move on now. I dont blame him. The hiatus from all this was almost nice - but confusing as well.

 

I did a lot of thinking through the holidays. i could so easily stay in this marriage and be comfortable and content. well, maybe not content. But comfortable. My husband asked me a question this morning on the phone - he asked if there was any chance I found him remotely attractive. I didn't know what to say and told him he looks great - better than he ever has. He then said, "that's not what I asked. I asked if you have any desire to ever be with me physically again." I was brutally honest. It killed me but I told him (as I have in the past) that no, I dont feel any chemistry and couldn't imagine being with him like that. (Mind you, we haven't been together like that in ages). We enjoyed eachother's company this Christmas - almost like great friends. no fighting - nothing. We took the kids out a lot and did the family thing. In my mind it was hard - but we have built such a nice family life together. I hate that I feel this way but I do. I just don't feel that way towards him at all. Trust me, I wish I did. It would be so much easier to work on this and make it last forever. But after the past few weeks of really looking at him in a positive light, and asking myself, "could I just learn to love him?" I have realized I cannot.

 

Right now we are both in such a sad state of mind. Another appt tomorrow with the mediator who only seems to be financially guiding us. He hasn't seemed to want to take the next step but after we hung up today I have the feeling he heard what he needed to to move forward.

 

I wish you all a happy new year and hope anyone going through pain or sorrow heals over time. Sometimes us "dumpers" don't want it to be this way. Some of us feel remorse for straying and betraying. If I could go back in time I would have done things a lot differently. I hope others out there don't make the same mistakes I have. Not only have I broken my H's heart, but the heart of another man as well.

[floridapad]

Anne

 

It's good to see you back. I'm sure the holidays were a whirlwind. I'm glad you told your husband that to allow him to move on. I have heard some WAW's say the same thing as you have regarding never being attracted or having chemistry for the H and never thinking it's going to happen again. That was the "feeling" they had at the time and they certainly meant it. However, after time passed and they placed distance from the H, the "feeling" of attraction came back and they found themselves wanting their H's again. Yes I know you say "Never" but the other WAW's said the same thing. That's the problem with feelings. If you don't control them they will control you. I wish you luck in the future and I'm glad your H is moving on. That was just a matter of time. I do admire your honesty with all the LSer's about your feelings. Take care

[hopesndreams]

Sometimes us "dumpers" don't want it to be this way. Some of us feel remorse for straying and betraying. If I could go back in time I would have done things a lot differently. I hope others out there don't make the same mistakes I have. Not only have I broken my H's heart, but the heart of another man as well.

 

Textbook.

 

Enjoy your freedom.

[bestplayer]

Thank you.

 

I haven't been on here in a while. The holidays were a whirlwind. We pretty :rolleyes:much put all this aside and focused on the kids and family. It was tough - but also very easy to almost be in denial. It's all come back now with avengeance. I have walked away completely from the other man. My husb is the one that seems to want to move on now. I dont blame him. The hiatus from all this was almost nice - but confusing as well.

 

I did a lot of thinking through the holidays. i could so easily stay in this marriage and be comfortable and content. well, maybe not content. But comfortable. My husband asked me a question this morning on the phone - he asked if there was any chance I found him remotely attractive. I didn't know what to say and told him he looks great - better than he ever has. He then said, "that's not what I asked. I asked if you have any desire to ever be with me physically again." I was brutally honest. It killed me but I told him (as I have in the past) that no, I dont feel any chemistry and couldn't imagine being with him like that. (Mind you, we haven't been together like that in ages). We enjoyed eachother's company this Christmas - almost like great friends. no fighting - nothing. We took the kids out a lot and did the family thing. In my mind it was hard - but we have built such a nice family life together. I hate that I feel this way but I do. I just don't feel that way towards him at all. Trust me, I wish I did. It would be so much easier to work on this and make it last forever. But after the past few weeks of really looking at him in a positive light, and asking myself, "could I just learn to love him?" I have realized I cannot.

 

Right now we are both in such a sad state of mind. Another appt tomorrow with the mediator who only seems to be financially guiding us. He hasn't seemed to want to take the next step but after we hung up today I have the feeling he heard what he needed to to move forward.

 

I wish you all a happy new year and hope anyone going through pain or sorrow heals over time. Sometimes us "dumpers" don't want it to be this way. Some of us feel remorse for straying and betraying. If I could go back in time I would have done things a lot differently. I hope others out there don't make the same mistakes I have. Not only have I broken my H's heart, but the heart of another man as well.

 

well , if dumpers really dont want it to be this way , they will not be a dumper . u dont need to think so much about ur decison when u have already made it.

u know what ur husband is going through is not ur fault & he has to live by it .

saying u r sorry & sad is hard to believe for anyone & will only hurt ur husband more , because words dont matter its only ur action that speaks . whats the problem in admitting that its ur husband whos gonna lose it all not u ?

 

best of luck

[nobmagnet]

i cant say anything to you ann. My wounds are still raw.

 

i wish your husband the best, You........you already have it. in your oppinion.

[2sunny]

it is good that you were willing to be truthful with your husband when he asked... it helps him to understand what to expect and what not to expect.

 

all the pretending for the holiday may have had him slightly hopeful. honesty is best for everyone - even if painful.

 

the pretending tends to trick most people into thinking something might be different than the reality of what they are experiencing. be careful - it can make things more difficult if you keep up the pretenses...

[HeavenOrHell]

So should my ex have stayed with me even though he fell out of love?

Why would I want him with me if he doesn't want me anymore? I want someone to stay with me because they want to, and not out of pity, duty or sympathy.

*bangs head against wall*

 

 

well , if dumpers really dont want it to be this way , they will not be a dumper . u dont need to think so much about ur decison when u have already made it.

u know what ur husband is going through is not ur fault & he has to live by it .

saying u r sorry & sad is hard to believe for anyone & will only hurt ur husband more , because words dont matter its only ur action that speaks . whats the problem in admitting that its ur husband whos gonna lose it all not u ?

 

best of luck

[bestplayer]

So should my ex have stayed with me even though he fell out of love?

Why would I want him with me if he doesn't want me anymore? I want someone to stay with me because they want to, and not out of pity, duty or sympathy.

*bangs head against wall*

 

ok i am not saying that op should stay in such a difficult condition in fact the best thiing for her will be to part ways asap , what I mean is that she should not keep telling her husband how sad she is for leaving him , because she does not mean it.

 

best of luck

[Chingaling]

I admire your courage Anne, I really do.

 

I read your posts, and all I could think was that 20 years ago I was in the same situation, but I took the other path and stayed in my marriage. All these years later and I regret not leaving a long time ago. Hindsight is 20/20. Go forward and don't look back.

 

Congratulations sweetie. I wish you all the best.

Edited January 7, 2010 by Chingaling
oops

[ann09]

I admire your courage Anne, I really do.

 

 

I read your posts, and all I could think was that 20 years ago I was in the same situation, but I took the other path and stayed in my marriage. All these years later and I regret not leaving a long time ago. Hindsight is 20/20. Go forward and don't look back.

 

 

Congratulations sweetie. I wish you all the best.

 

 

thank you.

[FeelingLonely98]

ok i am not saying that op should stay in such a difficult condition in fact the best thiing for her will be to part ways asap , what I mean is that she should not keep telling her husband how sad she is for leaving him , because she does not mean it.

 

best of luck

 

Wow - Harsh words bp ... Possibly true but we don't really know. Maybe you should have said "she probably does not mean it"

 

I do know Ann has struggled with this long enough and she most likely has no place for the H in her heart (at least for now - like FP accurately said above these feelings often change) and she should just leave now - the pretending may make her feel ok but I'm sure it's killing the H.

 

Just be certain BOTH of you put the children's well being first.

 

Good Luck ...

 

PEACE!

[bestplayer]

Wow - Harsh words bp ... Possibly true but we don't really know. Maybe you should have said "she probably does not mean it"

 

I do know Ann has struggled with this long enough and she most likely has no place for the H in her heart (at least for now - like FP accurately said above these feelings often change) and she should just leave now - the pretending may make her feel ok but I'm sure it's killing the H.

 

Just be certain BOTH of you put the children's well being first.

 

Good Luck ...

 

PEACE!

 

actually i meant that it sounds like she's just showing pity on her huband

[ann09]

Isn't it normal to pity him somewhat? I have hurt him tremendously. I pity him, myself and my kids. I am not pretending to be sad in any way, shape or form. I AM SAD. Why is it everyone thinks that the person that is actually the cause of a breakup has to be a cold and calculating person??

[FeelingLonely98]

Isn't it normal to pity him somewhat? I have hurt him tremendously. I pity him, myself and my kids. I am not pretending to be sad in any way, shape or form. I AM SAD. Why is it everyone thinks that the person that is actually the cause of a breakup has to be a cold and calculating person??

 

I do believe you ache Ann - that you hurt - after all these months I do. I just found it hard to believe because in 3 or 4 months I have barely spoken to my very STBXW and I would die if I found out she was SAD because of her destruction of our marriage. I only imagine tears from her for herself (poor job, no apt - still(!), son not loiving with her, ...) - BUT there are NO tears for me or the marriage - I guaran-f'ing-tee that one!

 

I think and feel that you have found true sorrow Ann, I for one believe you. I hope you can be happy one day for YOU - it will make you a great Mother once again. You may still be a great Mom but it will make you a better one.

[floridapad]

WOW FL98 are you doing a 180 on Anne? LOL. You should have heard some of your psots a month ago (mine too).

 

Ann

"They" say true sorrow comes from when you can feel the other persons pain. When you can actually get inside them and feel their pain. This is usually a Eureka moment and it is even more horrible for the unfaithful spouse than the current pain. I think PSWX3 posted something about his Eureka moment and he broke down and started crying to his wife years later and finally gave her the apolgy she was looking for.

 

Ann do not pity him. He will be OK and he will definately be stronger than he was before. You will be amazed in a year the healing he will have had. I think in the long run you may be the one hurting the most. Please focus on yourself and counseling and a little spirituality. Your H will be OK.

 

BTW. Be careful of the dating scene out there. All the women want to "fall in love" and all the men want to get laid. Tough scene as I am now finding out.

[ann09]

I do believe you ache Ann - that you hurt - after all these months I do. I just found it hard to believe because in 3 or 4 months I have barely spoken to my very STBXW and I would die if I found out she was SAD because of her destruction of our marriage. I only imagine tears from her for herself (poor job, no apt - still(!), son not loiving with her, ...) - BUT there are NO tears for me or the marriage - I guaran-f'ing-tee that one!

 

I think and feel that you have found true sorrow Ann, I for one believe you. I hope you can be happy one day for YOU - it will make you a great Mother once again. You may still be a great Mom but it will make you a better one.

 

Thank you for all these words. I am not looking for anyone to empathize with me - but I am glad you seem to sense my sincerity.

[ann09]

WOW FL98 are you doing a 180 on Anne? LOL. You should have heard some of your psots a month ago (mine too).

 

Ann

"They" say true sorrow comes from when you can feel the other persons pain. When you can actually get inside them and feel their pain. This is usually a Eureka moment and it is even more horrible for the unfaithful spouse than the current pain. I think PSWX3 posted something about his Eureka moment and he broke down and started crying to his wife years later and finally gave her the apolgy she was looking for.

 

Ann do not pity him. He will be OK and he will definately be stronger than he was before. You will be amazed in a year the healing he will have had. I think in the long run you may be the one hurting the most. Please focus on yourself and counseling and a little spirituality. Your H will be OK.

 

BTW. Be careful of the dating scene out there. All the women want to "fall in love" and all the men want to get laid. Tough scene as I am now finding out.

 

 

Ironically, I was at a funeral yesterday and read those same exact words you have typed to me today on the back of a card. About sorrow being when you can feel another's pain. So very true. I do feel his pain - and I am in my own pain. We have shared so much and the failure of a marriage is a horrible thing. This isn't about wanting to be free or single or have fun with any other man. I do plan to grieve over this for quite some time. I am overwhelmingly sad today.

[FeelingLonely98]

WOW FL98 are you doing a 180 on Anne? LOL. You should have heard some of your psots a month ago (mine too).

 

Ann

"They" say true sorrow comes from when you can feel the other persons pain. When you can actually get inside them and feel their pain. This is usually a Eureka moment and it is even more horrible for the unfaithful spouse than the current pain. I think PSWX3 posted something about his Eureka moment and he broke down and started crying to his wife years later and finally gave her the apolgy she was looking for.

 

Ann do not pity him. He will be OK and he will definately be stronger than he was before. You will be amazed in a year the healing he will have had. I think in the long run you may be the one hurting the most. Please focus on yourself and counseling and a little spirituality. Your H will be OK.

 

BTW. Be careful of the dating scene out there. All the women want to "fall in love" and all the men want to get laid. Tough scene as I am now finding out.

 

Well, FP - all these posts are just letters on a monitor right? We have to go by instinct sometimes when trying to "help" - I believe a few months ago I was either pretty spot on in my assessment off Ann and her efforts to truly evaluate the M or I was just angry and taking it out on her - OR, a little of both - probably this is the most accurate. Anyway, gut instinct tells me now that Ann is being more true to herself and her felings are absolute now - Plus, I'm not as angry anymore!!!

[FeelingLonely98]

Ironically, I was at a funeral yesterday and read those same exact words you have typed to me today on the back of a card. About sorrow being when you can feel another's pain. So very true. I do feel his pain - and I am in my own pain. We have shared so much and the failure of a marriage is a horrible thing. This isn't about wanting to be free or single or have fun with any other man. I do plan to grieve over this for quite some time. I am overwhelmingly sad today.

 

I don't think it is healthy to grieve "for quite some time" - there is a normal psychological process for this Ann. Make sure you are seeing an IC so you don't remain stuck in the griveing stage for an unhealthy length of time. Everyone is different but I think you should not "plan" a long grief period - just let it take it's natural course.