leap83 Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 I want to thank mickleb and GrayClouds for kicking me in the ass yesterday. I know I may seem overly emotional which I probably was yesterday and I thank them for looking after me. So, this is for all those that are heartbroken out there - learn from this story because I'm sure it will happen to you. Sorry that it is long. I was in a relationship for 4 yrs. It was an average relationship (we were young). So, yesterday, after finally adding my ex on Fb, he messaged me to talk. This is a year and 5 months after the break-up. We've talked here and there before - it was like push and pull but never like this. He in a way dumped me. But I initiated it. He also cheated on me with another girl. What did I get through talk? 1. He's not over me (he mentioned a photo album of our pictures and memories that I have given to him long time ago as a gift and he said how "i wanted to find it the other month and read some parts of it") 2. He didn't change (he's still a kid at heart and has done nothing to change himself or grow up; still does the same job; still in one place; - while I have blossomed and become a mature human being learning from the relationship and accomplished a lot in the past year) 3. He dated a couple of girls - all of these lasted a couple of months (some less) 4. He is dating a girl now - he doesn't believe it will last and he also doesn't believe in pain (meaning he probably never loved any of those chicks) 5. He asked me to go out for a cup of coffee next week and I said "yes". It's not a date. But it is the day when I will sit down with this man and talk this through. So, for all those out there that have been dumped - look at yourself now, pick yourself up and live your life. When you least expect it, they will come back to you, only this time you WILL be better off without them and you WILL be better than them. Actually they might not even be worth your time. But in my case, 4 yrs is a long time, lots of memories shared and I hold nothing against the guy so I decided that he deserves a night of my time. I'm interested to see what he might say. And yes... I do plan to look drop dead gorgeous. Get on the bandwagon, live your life, do something good for yourself, stop wondering, forgive (but don't forget), allow yourself to fall in love again with someone who is worth while. I really hope you do it. Because how is my situation any different than yours?
EarthGirl Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 I don't want to be better than him. I just want to be good...you know?
Author leap83 Posted November 8, 2009 Author Posted November 8, 2009 Then be good. Life is too short. Be good. Be happy. Enjoy every second of life. Don't let someone else ruin it for you.
HeavenOrHell Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 But aren't you happy because he still wants you? Most of us don't have that luxury I hope things work out for you in whatever way that might be Then be good. Life is too short. Be good. Be happy. Enjoy every second of life. Don't let someone else ruin it for you.
AliveAndKicking Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 I don't want to be better than him. I just want to be good...you know? There you go! Ding ding ding!!!! Do nothing for or because of your ex; Do it for yourself. Period. They say that "the best revenge is to live well". I don't care for that as A. It implies that revenge is desirable and B. This sort of thinking keeps us tied to them. I now revise that cliche' as follows: The best life for me is to live in a way that fulfills me mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Do nothing because of your ex- do everything because of and for YOU!
Author leap83 Posted November 8, 2009 Author Posted November 8, 2009 I'm not happy because he still wants me. LOL That's ridiculous. I'm happy because I have lived my life and have fulfilled it with tons of different things, growing up and helping myself while NOT thinking about my ex or what the hell they're up to. So my point being: DON'T think about your ex and move on. They're not worth your time - you can see from my first post as to why (they don't do anything to improve themselves). Lesson learned. NEVER go back. EVER. Period. And don't hope for it either.
Author leap83 Posted November 8, 2009 Author Posted November 8, 2009 Most of us don't have that luxury WRONG way of thinking!!!!!!!!!!! It IS NOT a luxury. It IS a MISTAKE. Don't EVER, EVER, EVER go back. EVER. You hear me? Good.
GrayClouds Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 I want to thank mickleb and GrayClouds for kicking me in the ass yesterday. My pleasure my boot is always ready.
mickleb Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 You're a strong little chicken, for sure. Be sure to pass your copy of 'He's Scared, She's Scared' onto him (if you are feeling generous). There seem to be a few people who can work things through with a second chance. I think it was carhill who said something that allowed me to understand that some people can be given ONE more chance. There is a lot of advice on LS about how to make a second chance more viable (thanks to Caliguy, etc). I, VERY, occasionally, will encourage someone (to begin with) to use their ex as motivation for getting them out of a very dark place (do it for them, if you won't do it for yourself). I do this because I know if you start doing the self-improvement stuff, eventually, it'll give you the strength and intent to continue to do it for yourself. Exit is a great example of someone who has learned 'the hard way' and come out the other end (hope you don't mind me referencing you, Exit). I think, though, generally, AliveAndKicking has it, in a nutshell. Thanks to you, leap, for being the sparky creature who was willing to face down your demons and get underneath what was happening to you. You have helped me and several others, I'm sure. One day (soon?) I'm going to start my own thread of thanks. So many helpful people here. We ALL help each other, with every post. F*ck it, I'm waffling on again. You're welcome, hon. xxx
Author leap83 Posted November 8, 2009 Author Posted November 8, 2009 My pleasure my boot is always ready. Good to know.
Author leap83 Posted November 8, 2009 Author Posted November 8, 2009 You're a strong little chicken, for sure. Be sure to pass your copy of 'He's Scared, She's Scared' onto him (if you are feeling generous). There seem to be a few people who can work things through with a second chance. I think it was carhill who said something that allowed me to understand that some people can be given ONE more chance. There is a lot of advice on LS about how to make a second chance more viable (thanks to Caliguy, etc). I, VERY, occasionally, will encourage someone (to begin with) to use their ex as motivation for getting them out of a very dark place (do it for them, if you won't do it for yourself). I do this because I know if you start doing the self-improvement stuff, eventually, it'll give you the strength and intent to continue to do it for yourself. Exit is a great example of someone who has learned 'the hard way' and come out the other end (hope you don't mind me referencing you, Exit). I think, though, generally, AliveAndKicking has it, in a nutshell. Thanks to you, leap, for being the sparky creature who was willing to face down your demons and get underneath what was happening to you. You have helped me and several others, I'm sure. One day (soon?) I'm going to start my own thread of thanks. So many helpful people here. We ALL help each other, with every post. F*ck it, I'm waffling on again. You're welcome, hon. xxx Haha. This one doesn't need that book. And even if I give it to him, he won't read it or try to work on himself. I've struck the cord with let's call him M (my most recent ex and the one that is a commitmentphobe) but for F there is no way out. I'm happy that my most recent ex is getting his act together without me - he actually is taking all of my advice I've given him when we were together and applying it (so I'm not running after him telling him what to do - he's actually doing it on his own). The ex I'm meeting next week will probably never have his act together. He will always be the same guy. As I said before, and I stand by them, there are no second chances with me. I'm waiting for the right person to walk into my life. Maybe he already did but really, I don't know that. It's the future. And right now, I don't care about the future.... but the present. Some people CAN be given a second chance - if they really, truly work on themselves. However, in the past year and a bit, I haven't given anyone a second chance and IMO, if he really wanted it, he would have to work for it hard (and the second chance still wouldn't be guaranteed). I'm glad I was able to help you to get out of that relationship. Oh yes... and this is my decision now: get rid of all of these left-over things in my life by the end of the year. Once the New Year hits, it is time to turn the new page. So I'm dealing with my ex of 4 yrs first and then with the most recent one in December. I feel empowered.
GrayClouds Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 Most of us don't have that luxury Leap is right, WE ALL HAVE THAT LUXURY. Just most of us in the beginning do not see we have it or sadly refuse to see it. Some of us will never take it.
CaliGuy Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 There seem to be a few people who can work things through with a second chance. I think it was carhill who said something that allowed me to understand that some people can be given ONE more chance. There is a lot of advice on LS about how to make a second chance more viable (thanks to Caliguy, etc). To be fair, my post is more about healing yourself than garnering a second chance. The title is a tad misleading, but hopefully people understand the reason why I posted it. The more you want a second chance, the less likely it's to come. And if there is anything I have learned in all my time on LS, there is a darn good reason why they are EXES! You'll understand when you have healed completely!
gypsi Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Why is that "the more you want a second chance, the less likely you are going to get one"??
GrayClouds Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Why is that "the more you want a second chance, the less likely you are going to get one"?? I am sure caliguy can articulate it much better then I, and in fact I may be completely off, but I suspect because your not coming from a place of strength. We are attracted to confidence and a person wanting something to much appears needy and desperate.
mickleb Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 To be fair, my post is more about healing yourself than garnering a second chance. The title is a tad misleading, but hopefully people understand the reason why I posted it. The more you want a second chance, the less likely it's to come. And if there is anything I have learned in all my time on LS, there is a darn good reason why they are EXES! You'll understand when you have healed completely! That's why the only name I mentioned was yours, Caliguy. I like your guide as I think it reaches those who are highly resistant to the harsh reality of a break-up / lost as to what to do next. And that's why I'll occasionally suggest someone get motivated for their ex's sake, if not their own. (If that's what it takes to get that person away from serious internalisation of all the pain and self-blame, and towards restoring their self-esteem and strength, I'll take the risk.) Your Second Chances guide makes perfect sense, I think and it's hard to argue with that. Thanks, again, for writing it. x
Author leap83 Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 I am sure caliguy can articulate it much better then I, and in fact I may be completely off, but I suspect because your not coming from a place of strength. We are attracted to confidence and a person wanting something to much appears needy and desperate. Yep. I believe that's what CaliGuy meant. If you really want a second chance, you need to focus on yourself. But really why would you want a second chance in the first place? Trust me - second time around DOESN'T work (well not for everyone but for like 95% of the people); it's just NOT the same (in a bad way). If you keep hoping for a second chance, you're not concentrating on yourself and you're just being needy, which is pushing them away from you. So live your life and if a second chance appears, then you'll decide. Don't hope for anything....
TalkTonight Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Thats exactly what ive wanted to hear!! Ive been in the same position really. Me and my ex broke up about 2 years ago. Now shes with someone else which i have to except and was doin ok until about 3 weeks ago she was begging to see me and wanted to talk about us. I was convinced that we were going to get back together and yet last week she said she isnt sure but still loves me and will come back for me!! When i heard that it sent me back crashing back down the mountain but after reading that has mademe feel so much better!!
Author leap83 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 Thats exactly what ive wanted to hear!! Ive been in the same position really. Me and my ex broke up about 2 years ago. Now shes with someone else which i have to except and was doin ok until about 3 weeks ago she was begging to see me and wanted to talk about us. I was convinced that we were going to get back together and yet last week she said she isnt sure but still loves me and will come back for me!! When i heard that it sent me back crashing back down the mountain but after reading that has mademe feel so much better!! So wait... you're getting back with your ex? Or no?
taraleigh Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 It's hard to see that you're better off or that things will get better when the break-up is so new. I know you are right. I will blossom. I will become a better person, because of what he does. But, it still hurts. He let me walk away (Even throwing my things on the front porch and changing the locks) without even looking at me or trying to make it work. Just called me a "fat cunt" and left...ummm, I'm an 8. I know I'm not fat. But, comments like that hurt, b/c I used to be overweight and he knew I was and am very insecure about my wieght. Sorry if I'm rambling...this break-up hurts like hell and he was so mean!
caramel c Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 It's hard to see that you're better off or that things will get better when the break-up is so new. I know you are right. I will blossom. I will become a better person, because of what he does. But, it still hurts. He let me walk away (Even throwing my things on the front porch and changing the locks) without even looking at me or trying to make it work. Just called me a "fat cunt" and left...ummm, I'm an 8. I know I'm not fat. But, comments like that hurt, b/c I used to be overweight and he knew I was and am very insecure about my wieght. Sorry if I'm rambling...this break-up hurts like hell and he was so mean! I am so sorry you had to go through that! That sounds like an awful way to go and I see why you were hurt. Anybody would be. He doesn't sound like a very good catch to me. Let him be, there is nothing good there for you to hold on to. From this point on, its your decision too, and every single day that goes by that you do NOT initiate contact with him you are deciding NO on this guy. Keep doing that, you will hurt as you have plenty of days of suffering yet but that does not mean you are powerless. Now its about YOU.
taraleigh Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I am so sorry you had to go through that! That sounds like an awful way to go and I see why you were hurt. Anybody would be. He doesn't sound like a very good catch to me. Let him be, there is nothing good there for you to hold on to. From this point on, its your decision too, and every single day that goes by that you do NOT initiate contact with him you are deciding NO on this guy. Keep doing that, you will hurt as you have plenty of days of suffering yet but that does not mean you are powerless. Now its about YOU. Thank you for your kind words. Somedays (and this is still a fresh break-up) I feel on top of the world and others, I just want to curl up and cry.
caramel c Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Thank you for your kind words. Somedays (and this is still a fresh break-up) I feel on top of the world and others, I just want to curl up and cry. I know...I am getting over a breakup that happened over 4 months ago and I still have bad days. I am definitely not in the same place I was 4 months ago or 3 months ago. I was crushed and I cried A LOT. I had to leave a store because the tears started forming and I couldn't hold them back. I put down the items & just walked out. That is one example of many. Things are better now and they will be for you too.
sean1970 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 What did I get through talk? 1. He's not over me (he mentioned a photo album of our pictures and memories that I have given to him long time ago as a gift and he said how "i wanted to find it the other month and read some parts of it") 2. He didn't change (he's still a kid at heart and has done nothing to change himself or grow up; still does the same job; still in one place; - while I have blossomed and become a mature human being learning from the relationship and accomplished a lot in the past year) 3. He dated a couple of girls - all of these lasted a couple of months (some less) 4. He is dating a girl now - he doesn't believe it will last and he also doesn't believe in pain (meaning he probably never loved any of those chicks) 5. He asked me to go out for a cup of coffee next week and I said "yes". It's not a date. But it is the day when I will sit down with this man and talk this through. When you least expect it, they will come back to you, only this time you WILL be better off without them and you WILL be better than them. Actually they might not even be worth your time. But in my case, 4 yrs is a long time, lots of memories shared... Forgive me but I cant read this passage and not see a contradiction. "He is not worth my time but he is worth my time" 1-5 are not good things but you have good memories? Why do you want to give him the time of day?
sean1970 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I know...I am getting over a breakup that happened over 4 months ago and I still have bad days. I am definitely not in the same place I was 4 months ago or 3 months ago. I was crushed and I cried A LOT. I had to leave a store because the tears started forming and I couldn't hold them back. I put down the items & just walked out. That is one example of many. Things are better now and they will be for you too. I could not go to Kroger (supermarket) as that was the place where I would shop for her visits. Always called when she was on her way (she lived 4 hours away). Was always the running joke to "get out of the store NOW!" as I would buy enough to ensure survival were there a nuclear blast... Still have trouble listening to the radio as well... Sorry, did not mean to ninja the thread...
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