How to deal with Escapism?

[Phateless]

I'm going to have to do something like that.. Not many available ladies hanging around at school pickup.

 

Shame about my two left feet.

 

Dude, it took me forever to get good at salsa, but now I'm tearing it up. Just start. It's fun. It's actually kinda like speed dating because you rotate partners every few minutes during the lessons.

[JLoves]

Phateless: I think I'll be trying to get out.. Tricky when I have 2 kids to look after. At least my parents are back in the country after being away for 6 months.

 

Was a hard day today, not really because of relationship stuff, but I'm really tired. Not enough sleep and a full day at the airport, then a kids birthday and stuff. Hard to keep positive. I wish you could get melatonin here

 

I think exhaustion is going to be the way of things until I get some proper sleep.

 

I'm having to apply to the govt for DPB (domestic purpose benefit) to cope with the mortgage, food and bills. They want so much info. All the info that the W usually deals with. Doing my head in, esp when I have to ask W for some of the info. Although she wants to help because it's supporting the kids, it's hard when I want to be showing I'm getting on fine without her.

 

Talked to a good lady friend and I was surprised to find she married young to a guy who ended up beating her.. She is one of the nicest lady's I know. I'm amazed about some of the things that come up when I say I'm having relationship problems. (She's happily married though)

 

I realise I'm not really asking many questions that can get real answers, but I find it therapeutic to vent a little, publish my story and then I guess down the line I can see how far I've come.

 

Reading LS can bring me down when I'm up and up when I'm down. I think the latter is the usual case.

[JLoves]

Interview with govt agency went better than expected. I had all the details but needed a couple of things I didn't realise I should have taken.

 

I didn't think of having to have a totally separate bank account for child support,etc so I went to the bank and got that sorted. While I was talking to the bank manager, I explained that I was separating from my wife, and he said that there seems to be a lot of people going through the same thing. Both in his private life and in his business life.

 

What is it? The season for breakups? Time of the month? Only thing I could think of is that the recession is hitting the people who need security and they are considering their futures.. Maybe looking for someone who can earn more $$ or is (in theory) more attractive to them. Who knows.

 

There does seem to be a jump in posters on LS though since I've been lurking/posting over the past 6-9 months.

[GoodDad]

Sorry about your situation J... I'm heading towards the same direction with my wants to run off into the sunset spouse. Keep being there for your kids, thats what Im trying to do when all of me is screaming to try to make it work somehow with the STBX.

 

Who knows if its the recession or season or what, but my sister is going through a divorce, occured almost at the same time as mine started going downhill, and my other sisters fiancee left her for another woman...

 

Ive heard of others having these issues too. Maybe I notice it more because of my situation, but it bums me out. I know the statistics, but damn...what is wrong with people that they see marriage and family as something to throw away when the going gets tough... I just have a different mentality about it I guess. I naively believed my STBX felt the same... my mistake...

 

And I get down, coming out here too sometimes, but other times it helps..

 

peace,

 

GD

[JLoves]

LC is so hard to do...

 

Had a good day yesterday then I got an email just before I went to bed.

 

'I just did my mums shopping list on the internet and I forgot that I had left the folder with the info there'

 

And what did I do... Yeah, find it and email the details..

 

kicks oneself...

 

Her parents wouldn't have starved and she could have picked up the folder when she took the kids for her thursday visit, but no, eager to please I jump when she says jump.

 

repeats... She doesn't live here any more... I am not her slave. She left, her problem..

 

(GD Thanks for your comment.. I feel I'm just that one small (massive) step in front of you... and I'm worried that W is feeling the same way as your STBX. Unfortunately there's still some hope in my heart..)

[Phateless]

LC is so hard to do...

 

Had a good day yesterday then I got an email just before I went to bed.

 

'I just did my mums shopping list on the internet and I forgot that I had left the folder with the info there'

 

And what did I do... Yeah, find it and email the details..

 

kicks oneself...

 

Her parents wouldn't have starved and she could have picked up the folder when she took the kids for her thursday visit, but no, eager to please I jump when she says jump.

 

repeats... She doesn't live here any more... I am not her slave. She left, her problem..

 

(GD Thanks for your comment.. I feel I'm just that one small (massive) step in front of you... and I'm worried that W is feeling the same way as your STBX. Unfortunately there's still some hope in my heart..)

 

My ex did that crap to me. She IMd only when she wanted something. I called her out on it and she denied vehemently, yet all of a sudden I stopped hearing from her.

 

Bitch.

[JLoves]

My ex did that crap to me. She IMd only when she wanted something. I called her out on it and she denied vehemently, yet all of a sudden I stopped hearing from her.

 

Bitch.

 

Hopefully next time I'll be a bit more onto it. I was just about to go to bed at the time.

 

W took the kids out for their thursday visit with mum... forgot to take the damn folder anyway. I decided I wasn't going to remind her to take it..

[Phateless]

Hopefully next time I'll be a bit more onto it. I was just about to go to bed at the time.

 

W took the kids out for their thursday visit with mum... forgot to take the damn folder anyway. I decided I wasn't going to remind her to take it..

 

Good. Ignore all her calls and texts. Only respond if you NEED to. She wanted her freedom, so she'd better respect yours. When she calls, let it go to VM and call her back if necessary.

 

As for picking stuff up, she has a key. She can come and get it.

[JLoves]

Good. Ignore all her calls and texts. Only respond if you NEED to. She wanted her freedom, so she'd better respect yours. When she calls, let it go to VM and call her back if necessary.

 

As for picking stuff up, she has a key. She can come and get it.

 

She only calls me regarding the kids or money.. Those things I have to deal with, but I need be more careful about recognising requests and adding delays.

 

I'd rather be here when if she wants to pick stuff up. At least then I know what she has taken.

 

I'm gradually getting to the point where I want to pack her stuff into boxes and get her to come take them to her parents. Really it comes down to the fact I don't want to deal with the 'this is mine, this is yours, no it's not, it's mine' crap.

[GoodDad]

Hang in there man.

 

My STBX who I am with in an earlier stage of your situation does the same thing. Thinks nothing of asking me to do things for her like I am a Personal Assistant sometimes, even while we are going through all of this stuff.

 

Try not to fall into being too responsive and just keep the 180 going. From everything Ive read, even if it doesn't work out with your STBX it will work out for the most important person...you, since you will feel better.

 

I never realized how close our situations were till I reread some of your thread.

 

I have caught my STBX in some of these "white lies" where she doesn't tell me everything about some of her friendships with old ex's or friends.

 

I don't know if she is avoiding the fight or what, but even when the contact is innocuous, about the weather or a football game, contact is still contact.

Or she might tell me, Im having lunch with an old friend, who it is, etc, so she isn't sneaky, and then I found out they told her they just broke up with their GF of 1.5 years and she neglects to mention that part of the conversation, because she knows it will bring up jealousy issues in me. I guess bottom line is if she is going to leave and pursue one of these jokers that is what she is going to do anyway and I need to see if we can walk our marriage back from the brink before that happens or just call it.

 

But when your marriage is on the rocks, introducing trust issues is INSANE.

 

I guess like you I have to decide if any of it is a dealbreaker or something I want to give an ultimatum on. As you know, the ultimatum can be accepted and probably would be...

 

Take care my friend...

 

GD

Edited November 27, 2009 by GoodDad

[JLoves]

GD: Yeah, I'm amazed at how similar our situation is.. I'm trying to hang onto the rocking roller coaster

 

The ultimatum was accepted.. I guess in hindsight she has been looking for an out for quite some time.

 

W had the kids for the afternoon, then dropped them off and went to look at another house to rent.. Full speed ahead..

 

She is getting her next pay going into her personal account already.. Without talking to me or asking if it was ok. Who knows when the govt will start paying out.. No mention of if she has organised child support payments either.

 

Of course I thought of these things after she left today. I guess I'll use the child support question to bring up the other issues.

 

Roll on another early wake up worrying about stuff

[JLoves]

It's a horrible feeling when you are alone by yourself for the first time in 9 years. Tends to hit you with the reality of the situation.

 

My W has the kids for the weekend. I guess I'm going to have to get used to this.

 

W has found a place to rent, so now I have to deal with the 'list of things I want from the house' stuff.

 

Since my car has a tow bar I get the inevitable 'Can you bring xyz to my new place for me?'. I said I'd think about it. Screams of 'walk over' if I say yes.

 

I just wonder if I should just say yes to help her move, then she can sit there every night by herself.

 

I'm trying to decide if I should get a pile of boxes and pack all her stuff without her knowing? I don't want her here spending a day packing stuff in front of my face. I want to get her stuff out of my face anyway. It's a constant reminder.

 

Last night hit me harder than I expected. Not so bad today as I've organised to go visit a friend all day and just do 'man' stuff. Tomorrow I can tidy the house or something mundane.

 

... I see a week has past since my last post.. Still no news from the govt.. Still not sleeping because I'm worrying about where the next mortgage payment is coming from. At least W has agreed to put enough money in the joint acct to cover the mortgage and a few weeks living money if the govt haven't sorted themselves out. ('Oh, It sounded like all you had to do was fill out that paper work and it would be all done quickly..' Err, no.. It's a govt agency I say)

Edited December 4, 2009 by JLoves

[JLoves]

Why do they keep doing stuff..

 

I get an email saying she has got herself a new phone number for the place she is renting, but because the family phone account is in her name, she has organised it so she keeps her email addr, but I have to ring up and get the phone acct here changed into my name.. ring this, do this..

 

So I called W yesterday at work and told her that 'I'm annoyed that you keep doing stuff which affects me without checking with me first, I will talk to you later', and then hung up. She immediately called back and I let it go to the answer phone and she left a message.

 

'I need to sort stuff out for my place... blah blah blah.. you are hard to contact some times'.. (no.. I have a mobile on me all the time)

 

Am I unreasonable in expecting that if she needs me to do something regarding a joint problem then she should ring me and talk to me first before just doing it and telling me after. It's not like she lives here any more, it's 'my house/living space' now and she needs to do this stuff AFTER we agree on it.

 

I was so angry about it..

 

When we were living together she just did this sort of stuff and it was fine, but now we are seperated it's no longer acceptable. She *needs* to talk to me about this stuff instead of just doing it.

 

Argh.. I'm going round in circles.

 

I don't have a problem with the stuff she wants me to do, as it needs doing, but I do have a problem with the way she is going about it.

[GoodDad]

Set boundaries my friend. You did nothing wrong telling her she needs to consult with you on issues that affect both your credit, etc.

 

My wife did something similar a week ago in regards to telling someone about her impending split and I set some ground rules down as this person interacts closely with our kids and under NO circumstances do I want the kids in the middle until we figure out what is going on for sure and if it comes to that tell them together after discussing it in MC.

 

She agreed and apologized actually for not discussing that she was telling this person with me first or so we could tell her together.

 

Not quite the same as your situation, but setting ground rules during all this is important to your mental health.

 

The challenge J for me is its easy for me to say and harder for me to put into practice except when it concerns the kids.

 

I wish you better luck man.

 

Hey, at least you didn't do a numbnuts move like me and get into it with your spouse over the OM friendship and then go out distracted and total your car last week... Was only a 2 year old car too and now they are telling me it might not be repairable. At least no one was seriously hurt...

 

So look on the bright side, if there is one and stay sane, drive safe and hang in there! We are here if you need to vent.

 

Take care,

 

GD

[JLoves]

Thanks GD. Bummer about the car... If it helps, the high pressure valve on our hot water heater started leaking days after she left.. Damn expensive to get fixed.

 

I agree, boundaries are a good thing. I guess NC is really setting boundaries, except with LC you have to tell the other person them too.

 

It was W's birthday today and she came over to take the kids out. Very hard to decide what to do. I ended up giving her the present I had brought before it all blew up.. (well, the kids gave it to her).. It was an art poster with her birth year on it.. Pointless to keep so she may as well have it. I accepted the offer of some birthday cake she brought over for the kids.

 

After she came back we talked about who has the kids over the holidays and when. She talked about this stupid calender idea and syncing up dates every couple of weeks. (I was anti about this crap).. I told her I thought we should have fixed days and alternate weekends, and discuss any changes if/when they come up rather than doing the calender crap. She agreed. Turns out she was concerned about one of us feeling used because the other didn't have the kids much. Not sure who she was more concerned about, me or her.

 

We talked about Christmas presents for the kids, but was hard with big ears listening in. She asked if she could ring me later. I took the opportunity to say to her that she could ring me anytime if it was regarding kids, money or joint stuff...

 

.. which she just did. Talked about presents and who was going to buy what for who and I finished up the call after that.

 

Hopefully she'll get the message that it's ok to talk to me about those three subjects, but others I will not respond to.

 

Why do I still feel angry about whats happening.. Not angry, but those thoughts sit there in the back of my mind.

 

So frustrating.. What a waste..

[JLoves]

Got a list of stuff W wants. No real surprises except for one item which she thought was a heirloom for her from my grandmother who passed away a few years ago, but my mother got in first with the request. (and if she hadn't I would have asked for it)

 

Instead of having W come round and sorting her stuff out in front of me and having to deal with it, I decided to pack it all into boxes. She can't move into her new place until the day before I go on holiday with the kids. The boxes and furniture can stay at my parents place for fast pickup. The rest she can get after we come back.

 

It's quite hard but at least I can do it under my terms.. If she doesn't like it then tough.. At least I'm not telling her she can't get the stuff until after we come back. I already asked and received the house keys. (Without warning, in case she got a copy cut)

 

I'm finding it tricky to keep going and not just check stuff in the bin..

 

Guess its gotta be done.

 

Maybe once she moves into the new place and is alone for a while she'll start realising the grass isn't greener.... If not, to bad..

[JLoves]

Two weeks fly past.. I wish..

 

First week did as I was away on holiday at the beach with family and the kids.. After moving her crap into her house.

 

The last day was stressful. Going back to the BS at home was not my idea of fun.

 

Christmas came and went. Was pleasant except for the 1/2 hour when she picked the kids up on Christmas Day.. Then I had to deal with the quiet of the house until today.. Now I have to deal with getting back into solo parent mode.. Thats going to do my head.

 

Actually the worst thing was not having any Christmas presents under the tree for me. I guess I could have done something about that. Never mind.

 

When she dropped the kids of today I got her to help with fleaing the cat as it's a two person job. 'You won't like me cat' she says.. then adds 'but I don't live here any more so who cares'. That hurt.

 

Obviously no thoughts about the possibility of returning. I bet she couldn't wait to get rid of the kids and go back to her single life.

 

Feeling a bit bitter about being the one stuck at home, albeit they are paying my 'wages' as such.

[JaneDoe35]

Hello J - Good to read your update although there was nothing 'good' in it!!!

 

Same for me really.....except I get the 'I love you' 'I miss you' from my husband. If he had of remained cold I think I would be much further along to be honest. Bought me tons of Xmas pesents too. Strange.....and annoying.

 

Can you afford to buy yourself something nice in the sales? For being a good man and doing a great job raising your children....

 

It is hard being the one stuck at home even though you probably wouldn't have it any other way. I am annoyed that my husband can just go on with life and that he never has to listen to his daughter ask 'Why wont Daddy come home?'

[JLoves]

Same for me really.....except I get the 'I love you' 'I miss you' from my husband. If he had of remained cold I think I would be much further along to be honest. Bought me tons of Xmas pesents too. Strange.....and annoying.

 

I know exactly what you mean though. Even though I'm not getting the 'love' you part, I am getting the 'it's over but lets be friends' feeling from her. Which is really damn annoying. 'I'm not ok that you gave up on our marriage even if you are' goes through my head.

 

Thats really weird.. If he loves you and misses you, then what the hell is he doing away? Presents are guilt I guess. I got a present from W. I think it was a token one. I was getting a magazine subscription. I assume the token present was a spare one. I didn't give her the present I had brought her before it blew up. Felt a bit guilty.

 

Can you afford to buy yourself something nice in the sales? For being a good man and doing a great job raising your children....

 

Yeah, I've been after a new tv for a while, but I can't justify it, so I'm getting a nice digital tv box for the 'family'. Thats going to be my present. Going away on holiday to the beach with my extended family and the kids was an expensive indulgence too, but I believe I deserved that.

 

It is hard being the one stuck at home even though you probably wouldn't have it any other way. I am annoyed that my husband can just go on with life and that he never has to listen to his daughter ask 'Why wont Daddy come home?'

 

'any other way' is quite a scary prospect. Getting back into the workforce and juggling kids. Every mothers nightmare. Even more so for a single parent. If the kids ask in her presence, I don't bother to try and relieve her of the question. If they ask me.. I tell them one of the few the truths I can allow.. That I want her to come home too.

 

I'm thinking of the work side still though. At least it would get me out of the house and into the real world.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Just read all your thread/posts today and I felt quite inspired by them. I think you are a very brave and loving father to your children and only someone so lucky will be able to embrace that. Keep your chin up and keep doing what your doing! Your kids are very lucky to have you and your soon to be ex is just a ding bat who will eventually realize what she lost when its too late!

Just my 2 cents!

[JLoves]

Thank you for your kind words PortuguesePrincess80. I'd be as surprised as the next person for being told I was inspirational. I can tell you, it doesn't feel that way.

 

Every day I wake up I have to try to remember to tell myself that I need to get on with life. Start sorting stuff out instead of wasting time and messing around. Do the house work, make the place nice, try to feel good about the situation. Most importantly, get out and do stuff with the kids. They deserve to be looked after properly. (even if I can't take them out and do stuff that costs money like their mother can). I should be budgeting for that sort of expense. Kids need to have a childhood rather than being thrown in the world of adults too soon.

 

NYE was hard. Ended up drinking the last shot of JD and coke and feeling sorry for myself and the sh*tty year that was. Rather than texting W a soppy text as I wanted to, I texted a couple of friends who sent back supportive replies. I needed that more than a 'Having a good time, I'm not missing you' text from W.

[Phateless]

NYE was hard. Ended up drinking the last shot of JD and coke and feeling sorry for myself and the sh*tty year that was. Rather than texting W a soppy text as I wanted to, I texted a couple of friends who sent back supportive replies. I needed that more than a 'Having a good time, I'm not missing you' text from W.

 

Good job for not texting her! I remember moments where I almost texted my ex; I had it on the screen with my thumb on "send." I closed the phone, (yes, flip phone back then) and texted my buddy instead, who promptly called me and cursed me out something fierce. That really helped me snap out of it.

 

This new year is a new opportunity. Resolve to do one new thing per month and see what happens.

[JLoves]

This new year is a new opportunity. Resolve to do one new thing per month and see what happens.

 

Thats actually not a bad idea.. One new thing per month is actually doable.

 

Something to aim for.

[wreinmicheal]

I am not a doctor or expert but only thing I want to say is that it's good to be cautious and it's more better to live and face the real world.I think it's harsh for you so I hope you understand.

[Chrome Barracuda]

maybe its time to finalize things and start dating other females...