How to deal with Escapism?

[Phateless]

I wish I felt the same way about doing it..

 

Off to the docs.. dunno what I'm after

 

I came here after being dumped by my 5 year relationship and now find myself in a situation a bit similar to yours except not nearly as difficult. I'm trying to decide to stay or go with my current gf.

 

I can only imagine what this feels like for you if I feel the way I do. You have my support.

[JLoves]

Doc doesn't think I need to take anything for depression.. (yet), but at least thats a good thing.

 

She thought that it was too soon to be talking details with my wife at the moment. I am going to put her off having the talk tonight after we have dinner with the kids. I've been wondering if I would be able to deal with it.

 

Also a chance for me to put some 'power' behind my actions. Saying, no, I'm not going to be rushed into this.

 

Hopefully I can pull it off.

[JLoves]

Damn that was painful. (literally, I had a pain in my chest for most of the time)

 

W turned up after work and played with kids, made the kids dinner and I made us dinner.

 

She went and started putting stuff in a box. She had a list of things she wanted. (mp3 player, that sort of stuff)

 

Came back to watch tv with the kids after I hovered a bit to much.

 

.... She put the kids to bed, then came out.

 

First thing she said was 'I'm not coming back'.

 

I said 'Was nice seeing you but I don't want to talk about the future, I'm taking it day by day'.. Ok. Starts asking about the weekend and is coming round Sat (tomorrow) to see the kids at lunchtime and take them out for the afternoon.

 

She wants to come over after work and cook for the kids a couple of evenings during the week and put them to bed.

 

I replied I didn't want to think that far ahead.

 

I said the kids need to know sometime, and she said she had avoided the questions today and suggested we could talk to them together tomorrow. I said I thought that was too soon.

 

She asked if I wanted her to leave, I said yes. She packed some more stuff, put it in the car and left.

 

I wanted to watch her pack and not watch her as it was painful. I noticed she didn't take her wedding ring even though she took other jewelry. (she didn't wear it anyway as she lost weight and it too big now)

 

I'm trying to decide if it's a good idea that she comes over and does the dinner/bedtime thing. I know the kids need to see her, but I need to look at my needs as well.. It was damn hard having her in the house even though I had been thinking about what to say to her all day.

 

Again.. I'm numb.. Looks like I'm a single parent for the short term at least.

 

I really don't know if that went well or not. Impossible to know I guess.

Edited November 13, 2009 by JLoves

[JaneDoe35]

I was overwhelmed when I first realised that for all intents & purposes I was really a single mother.

 

Although my husband works away I did not feel alone.

 

It just makes you feel really sad, I know. So alone. It is the constant reminder of the state of your marriage. I run on auto pilot to be honest. Not sure how everything still keeps happening - housework, paperwork, employment, school things etc.

 

I know you wont want to leave the house when she comes over. Could you do something that keeps you somewhat busy? Maybe a puzzle book (I know, I am not a puzzle book person!!!), do the budget, just anything to keep you sort of occupied.

 

I know it is absolute torture for you....everyday.

 

You are doing pretty well you know, just keep on getting up each day - better days will come eventually.

 

Take care.

 

JD

[JLoves]

What a horrible night.

 

I kept waking up and worrying about the future. The unknown is really hard. I thought it was getting better and I was sleeping better, but no. One visit and back to no sleep.

 

My son woke up, came in and asked if mum and I had talked. I didn't know what to say. I can't tell him whats happening without his mum there. 'I don't know when mum is coming back'

 

I wish I'd never done this and got past christmas. There seems to be more possibilities after christmas.

 

I feel extremely letdown by the fact the ultimatum hasn't gone the way I wanted it to. She seems determined to never come back.

[JLoves]

W came around after going to the gym to take the kids out for the afternoon. She asked to use the shower. I guess it's still her house as well, so I said yes.

 

I hope she didn't go into the ensuite bathroom.. I noticed I had left my Divorce Busters book there.. Oops. (Been reading it trying to get some inspiration).

 

I went out as I didn't want to be home alone. Came back before they arrived.

 

She wanted to stay, cook dinner and put the kids to bed. At least she left then and didn't ask about 'parenting plans' and stuff.

 

Monday or Tuesday? I said Tuesday. I thought to myself that it gives me another day to think about said plans and decide what I want for me and the kids. (also puts off telling the kids for a couple of days, although that needs to happen).

 

I guess it went easier this time. I still had a pain in my chest when she arrived, and for a little while after she left.

 

She was still acting as if nothing had happened and it was a normal household day. Chatting and having normal conversations. Maybe the pressure has gone. Don't know.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to break the news to a 6 and 9 yr old? (I know we have to do it together, tell them we love them, it's not their fault, and not bring up adult topics).

 

She has told her mother about the separation, (omg, did I just say the S word), but they decided her dad is in a too fragile state to know just yet. He's starting to suffer from dementia and gets a bit stressed by change.

 

She asked if I would come with her to visit her parents next time with the kids to alleviate the stress on her dad. If she visits without me he always asks 'Where's J'.

 

I really had no choice but to say yes as I like her parents and family and I would like to still be part of it. Part of me keeps thinking that the more I keep in contact this way the better.

 

I'd like to know how others deal with the SO's parents.

 

Very tired. Two days of going to bed at 10ish, waking at 1.02am, 4.02am and 5am is taking its toll. (yes, I looked at the clock.. exactly 3 hours)

[Chrome Barracuda]

Tell her Hell No! you have to stick up for yourself! she's acting like she's married. You have to give her the interpretation that this seperation is real!!!

 

No more coming over, no more cooking meals, stick to a parenting plan. why are you being such a pushover.

 

It's time for you to put your foot down!

[JLoves]

Tell her Hell No! you have to stick up for yourself! she's acting like she's married. You have to give her the interpretation that this seperation is real!!!

 

No more coming over, no more cooking meals, stick to a parenting plan. why are you being such a pushover.

 

It's time for you to put your foot down!

 

The problem I see with putting this into action is

 

a) The kids need to see her, and coming over after work is the cheapest/practical option. She is still the one earning the income thats supporting the family.

b) We don't have a parenting plan in place yet

c) The kids don't know yet. They need a familiar environment, especially when they are told.

d) It's not her dad's fault we in this relationship hell.

 

As much as I want to do this, I really have to put the kids first. She's not coming back in the short term, if ever, and the kids need to see their mother.

[Chrome Barracuda]

The problem I see with putting this into action is

 

a) The kids need to see her, and coming over after work is the cheapest/practical option. She is still the one earning the income thats supporting the family.

b) We don't have a parenting plan in place yet

c) The kids don't know yet. They need a familiar environment, especially when they are told.

d) It's not her dad's fault we in this relationship hell.

 

As much as I want to do this, I really have to put the kids first. She's not coming back in the short term, if ever, and the kids need to see their mother.

 

A. The kids can see her, outside the house. Do not have her in YOUR home, she is not wanted and needed. She can take them back to her apartment. She's earning income but you need to get a lawyer and get that plan into place. B. included.

c. You needed to tell the kids as soon as possible, tell them the unvarnished truth and be honest with them. Yeah she is the mother but when does she own up to the seperation that she wanted?!

d. your right it isnt your fault so why do you have to sholder the blame for it anyway?

 

The kids can be sent to her place or brought into a public area for visitation and dropoff. You dont need to suffer, and have her around. Show her you are NOT playing!

[JLoves]

Chrome: It's soo hard to be that heartless though

 

Also, she is staying in the spare room at her sisters 30 mins drive away.

 

All the parent guides I am reading tells you to keep the adult stuff away from the kids as its better for them not to take sides.

Edited November 15, 2009 by JLoves

[Chrome Barracuda]

Chrome: It's soo hard to be that heartless though

 

Also, she is staying in the spare room at her sisters 30 mins drive away.

 

All the parent guides I am reading tells you to keep the adult stuff away from the kids as its better for them not to take sides.

 

It's not about being heartless. its about boundries. and right and wrong. This seperation will not end nicely. She will not come home. When women leave they rarely if ever come back. The thing is, she needs to feel that this is the end. She shouldnt have access to your house because she volunterily abandoned it!

 

So she's staying in the spare room, that's her choice, she wants to be a single mother so bad then let her deal with the fall out.

 

I'm not saying make this nasty, make it matter of fact. It's her choice to come home but show her she doesnt have any power over you...

 

By any means neccessary.

 

The kids are gonna find out sooner or later, I might as well tell them in an age appropiate way the unvarnished truth...

 

It's not about taking sides it's about living the right way. I would.

 

Why not, if your wife starts to date others openly in your face then what? Are you still gonna lie to the kids. be honest.

[JLoves]

Well, I guess that resolves that issue. Wife rang up to speak to the kids.

 

She told me that her father now does know, but I was welcome to go visit if I wanted to. I'd do it for her dad, but I'm not about to drive 45 mins each way for a fun visit with her mother staring at me.

 

Did my best to speak in single syllables to her. She wants this to happen as amicably as possible, yet I'm the one who is left with the kids and hurting.

 

I think its reasonable to tell her not to come round and cook dinner for the kids and have it with us.

 

She was the one who decided not to stay and really try to work it out. She made the decision regardless of weather she was waiting for me to run to the end of my tether and tell her to leave. (Do I sound convincing? Don't feel like it)

[MrFun]

She starts using it when she feels she needs to escape a bit...They were sexy revealing shots...I got so angry about them...I asked her if she ever send pictures of herself to other guys online...Then I said that I borrowed her usb stick...Then she stormed off and said she didn't want to talk to me...I wrote her a letter saying some things, apologising...I may have pushed her too far. We are into month 9 after ILYB...She wants to escape from our relationship/situation...I was mildly ok with that...All I want to do is hold and hug her.

 

Holy crap!!! This reminds me so much of myself years ago!!!

 

First of all, you can't control someone behaviour, but I bet you know that already.

 

I suggest you realise who you're dealing with here. She has no respect for you, and does this garbage because she needs attention. Realise that this women is not your future partner, but a person you can shag once in a while. A woman with such a low self-esteem can't love herself and there can't love you. It is a losing situation if you ever what anything more than just quick sex from this person, IMHO.

 

DO NOT react to her behaviour. In fact suggest threesomes and ignore her attention grabbing behaviour but realise this one is NOT it. Look for someone better, either on the side (the wussy move) or by dumping her arse and going after the woman of your dreams.

 

Why did you apologise and hug her???? That's rewarding her for her behaviour. Make fun of her behaviour instead and establish that you're the dominant role in this relationship.

 

Again, if the sex is good, then that's what she's there for. DO NOT get involved otherwise. If the sex is bad, then you're in Hell. Get out as quickly as possible. You want a woman with HIGH self-esteem that's great to SHAG, not this, mate.

 

You said "all I want is to hold her". No, she's holding you and calling the shot. You nuts are in a vice! Get them back. It's not about being tough, but about realising your own value in all of this. And I think that's your current problem. If your value was high, you'd dump this one ASAP.

 

Sorry for the harsh words or "tough love". But think about it.

[MrFun]

<post removed. I replied to the original posting, things have obviously changed since then>

[JLoves]

MrFun: I think you are right.. Even though it ended up this way, the sex was great from my point of view. Not much of thats gonna happen now.

 

Fun day tomorrow evening. Time to tell the kids.

 

I'm glad I put off the parenting planning thing as suggested by the doc, I feel much more in control of my emotions and less likely to be steam rollered into something I will regret agreeing to.

 

I sat down with a friend today and worked through what I believe are the needs of my kids and myself, so I was prepared when I rang her tonight to say I wanted to tell the kids tomorrow.

 

I informed her that I didn't want her coming into the house, cooking dinner and putting the kids to bed. To many confusing signals for the kids. She wasn't happy about that for obvious reasons, and argued that she felt it was more about me than the kids. I resisted telling her that it's not my fault she is in this situation.. She eventually agreed to it though. I said this was only until she got herself sorted out. Then we could revisit it if necessary.

 

She wants to talk about the rest of the details as well.. Not looking forward to that really.

 

I plan on telling her that things have to stay as they are until I get a job, then we can talk about the monetary future.

 

Day by day I guess it gets easier.

 

I started today by deciding in the shower to take off my wedding ring. New week, new life.

[Phateless]

MrFun: I think you are right.. Even though it ended up this way, the sex was great from my point of view. Not much of thats gonna happen now.

 

Fun day tomorrow evening. Time to tell the kids.

 

I'm glad I put off the parenting planning thing as suggested by the doc, I feel much more in control of my emotions and less likely to be steam rollered into something I will regret agreeing to.

 

I sat down with a friend today and worked through what I believe are the needs of my kids and myself, so I was prepared when I rang her tonight to say I wanted to tell the kids tomorrow.

 

I informed her that I didn't want her coming into the house, cooking dinner and putting the kids to bed. To many confusing signals for the kids. She wasn't happy about that for obvious reasons, and argued that she felt it was more about me than the kids. I resisted telling her that it's not my fault she is in this situation.. She eventually agreed to it though. I said this was only until she got herself sorted out. Then we could revisit it if necessary.

 

She wants to talk about the rest of the details as well.. Not looking forward to that really.

 

I plan on telling her that things have to stay as they are until I get a job, then we can talk about the monetary future.

 

Day by day I guess it gets easier.

 

I started today by deciding in the shower to take off my wedding ring. New week, new life.

 

Good for you J! I'm glad you listened to CB because he was dead-on. You WILL get through this and be a much happier man for it!

[JLoves]

Good for you J! I'm glad you listened to CB because he was dead-on. You WILL get through this and be a much happier man for it!

 

Thanks.

 

Strangely I didn't see CB's post but he is right.

 

She rang from work this morning to appologise for being snippy on the phone last night and we talked a bit about money stuff. Bank accounts and things like that.

 

She wants me to go with her to the tax dept (or who ever) to see about signing up for benefits and stuff. Obviously to tide us/me over until I find a suitable job.

 

She said that she's not going to try and screw me over. (although I'll wait and see about that one).

 

For the first time though, she was on the virge of tears. Maybe she is finally coming to realise what has happened and that she has to deal with the fall out.

 

I have to get on with life. I'm the dad to my two kids and they need my support and they need to looked after properly.

 

Still not looking forward to telling the them tonight.

[JLoves]

Told the kids.. They seemed to take it ok.

 

Talked about money,etc... All seemed to amicable.

 

Seems she had a bad night because she thought I was going to lock her out of the house or something.

 

I guess she escaped.

[Phateless]

Told the kids.. They seemed to take it ok.

 

Talked about money,etc... All seemed to amicable.

 

Seems she had a bad night because she thought I was going to lock her out of the house or something.

 

I guess she escaped.

 

I'm very sorry for your loss, J. You will get through this. I know it seems impossible now, but by focusing on yourself and making positive strides in all areas of your life, you will be far happier in a year or two than you have been for the last 10 years.

 

Trust me. It will be ok.

[seibert253]

OK, hard parts are over, LMAO. No, actually the "fun" is just beginning.

 

Now, you need to seperate yourself from her. 180 time. LC, only conversations are about kids and finances, nothing else.

 

She needs to learn and feel what life is going to be like without you being at her beckon call.

 

You really need to distance yourself from her.

[Phateless]

OK, hard parts are over, LMAO. No, actually the "fun" is just beginning.

 

Now, you need to seperate yourself from her. 180 time. LC, only conversations are about kids and finances, nothing else.

 

She needs to learn and feel what life is going to be like without you being at her beck and call.

 

You really need to distance yourself from her.

 

Agree, 100%! She doesn't want to be your wife anymore, so she does not deserve to be treated like your wife.

[JLoves]

Thanks for the comments..

 

Had a very bad day today. Went to the bank to take my name of the old joint account which she had been using for her personal account. (From when we agreed to have personal accts with pocket money).

 

Noticed she had cigarettes in her hand bank which she knows I hate. Made a nasty comment about them.

 

Then I started getting down about the finality of some of this.. (more nails in the coffin).. Told her I wasn't handling it very well. 'Do you feel like you have been released?' I ask. 'Nice not having anyone looking over my shoulder'.

 

'Is there anything you want to say to me?' I ask. "What do you want me to say?'.... argh.. I don't *want* you to say anything that I want you to say. I want to hear you say something, not what I want to hear.

 

I had to walk away and drove up the road to a park to have a cry. Felt so low.

 

After the opening up last night and talking about stuff, I feel back at square one. I open up a little, say something I regret, her wall goes up and I get hurt, and her respect for me goes down again.

 

I gotta somehow keep doing NC. It's so hard when I have to be in contact with her for stuff.

 

Last night I was thinking how it might be possible that we might get back together eventually and I don't to burn bridges/close up to the possibility..

 

She sent me an email saying she was sorry for making me do this so quick and that she saw I was upset..

 

'Still not sure what you were expecting me to say' she says.. Just doesn't get it.

[JLoves]

My wife and I were going to go clubbing in a week or so which I haven't done for many years and I was looking forward to it. (yeah, I know i'm too old for this). She got her ticket last week I guess in a fit of 'yay I'm free' and I saw it in her handbag.

 

I so want to go with her and have some fun, just to get away from it all.

 

I was having dreams last night of us both getting drunk and dragging her off to have my way with her. (of course she was consenting).

 

Just got me more and more frustrated. I don't know how I'm going to cope missing that side of things. And it's only been a week.

 

A friend said it would be a bad thing to suggest going as friends.. Too soon.

 

I'd be watching her to make sure she didn't do anything silly and she would get pissed off that I'm trying to control her. No win situation.

[Phateless]

My wife and I were going to go clubbing in a week or so which I haven't done for many years and I was looking forward to it. (yeah, I know i'm too old for this). She got her ticket last week I guess in a fit of 'yay I'm free' and I saw it in her handbag.

 

I so want to go with her and have some fun, just to get away from it all.

 

I was having dreams last night of us both getting drunk and dragging her off to have my way with her. (of course she was consenting).

 

Just got me more and more frustrated. I don't know how I'm going to cope missing that side of things. And it's only been a week.

 

A friend said it would be a bad thing to suggest going as friends.. Too soon.

 

I'd be watching her to make sure she didn't do anything silly and she would get pissed off that I'm trying to control her. No win situation.

 

Go clubbing elsewhere. Swing and Salsa dancing are great ways to meet ladies. Lots of fun.

[JLoves]

Go clubbing elsewhere. Swing and Salsa dancing are great ways to meet ladies. Lots of fun.

 

I'm going to have to do something like that.. Not many available ladies hanging around at school pickup.

 

Shame about my two left feet.

Edited November 19, 2009 by JLoves