Perhaps Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 Alright, before I explain my story, I want to say that I've frequented these froums for quite some time and I love the supportive community. i'm hoping I can be guided in the right direction. I know this is amazingly long but I think the details are important to get a clear picture of the situation. Ok, so my ex and I dated for a year and two months in 2007-2008. I loved this girl to the point where I had spoiled her - I didn't get a summer job so I could be on the phone with her and I'd go out of my way to make sure I was there for her whenever she needed me. Then, I started university in fall 2007 and I eventually became too busy for her - we would only meet once a month but we'd talk everyday. The daily talking began to take a toll on my studies and I turned into a shallow jerk - basically, the whole "I can do better mindset" got over me but maybe it was because of the distance and her clinginess. I broke up and she cried for a few months but I was loving my space. Eventually, she started seeing someone to get over me - which didn't really bother me even though I told her it wasn't a sound decision imo. We eventually stopped talking... maybe a phone call every 2 months. Come April 2009, I had a dream - she was in it. The girl in my dream didn't even look like her.. I just called that girl by her name. And that was it. I woke up and a dying need to talk to her. ALl of a sudden, I was buried under a mountain of guilt and regret. I talked to her and eventually realized what I'd done. I turned into a wreck trying to deal with my guilt and regret. I was never supposed to do hurt anyone and I had ended up hurting the one I had loved the most. I apologized like crazy and told her I still had feelings for her but I wanted to at least be a friend to try and make up for my mistakes. So we eventually started talking every night and she ended up telling me she loved me an gave me some really mixed signals - which gave me the idea that something was there. From our talks, I realized that her boyfriend was abusive. I told her to leave him.. if not for me, but for her own happiness but she was too scared of him. Then, around summer, I went away for a month and missed her like crazy. I came back and told her that I love her too much and that her mixed signals were not fair to me or her boyfriend. She had to either be with me or stop talking to me because her saying 'I love you' to me but beign with him wasn't fair to me or the other guy. So he went out of the country for a month and she agreed to take things one step at a time - which ended up with us spending a month together - doing everything a couple does.. except we weren't official. So, he came back in September and she told me she felt bad about leaving him for me and that she had to try it one last time with him. I was friendzoned - the hugs stopped. She broke up with him at the end of September because she finally realized he was abusive. But she refused to take me back because she told me she feels nothing for me... which really confused me because we spent a month together. I've spent a good part of this year selflessly loving her, trying to show her how sorry I am and how much I care for her. The guilt and regret still bother me at times and I still feel that had I not broken up with her, things would have been different. I'm having a really hard time dealing with this. I told her we should talking and she cried and asked me she she's being punished. I felt really guilty when she said that but I don't know what to do anymore. She knows I love her but she says she doesn't feel the same. She kept rejecting me this whole year until i had finally convinced her.. that's why i'm reluctant to give up on her. We still talk daily but she calls me only at night (makes me feel like she calls me when it's convenient for her) to see how my day was and to say goodnight. I can't be a friend because I'll always look forward to us being more and I don't want to get hurt. But I also can't stop talking to her because I love her and I can't abandon her .. again. I really don't know what to do... All I know is that I love her. I understand she just got out of a relationship but she's starting to do stupid stuff like weed and if I get mad at her, she tells me I'm controlling just like her ex. Thank you SO much for reading. After my first heartbreak, I prayed that I would never have to go through it again.. and here I am. Ugh, I'm so lost. Please help.
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