Blay187 Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 Well, I've been married for 8 years and have 2 wonderful girls. For the last, I would say, 6 years our marriage has been hard. Through these last 6 years some of my wife's skeletons fell out of the closest. Everything from be molested by her brother as a child to being raped by a guy in her early 20's. This is from a girl who didn't tell me she was still married until 7 months into our relationship and we were living together. I'm no psychiatrist and I tried to understand and be there for her. I knew this was too much for me to try and handle so I begged her to get counseling. She went to counseling one time about 5 years ago and refused to go back. This effected our marriage tremendously. She would just start crying during sex or she would not have sex with me for months. I sat her down on numerous times, so many that every time I told her we need to talk she's like "not this again" and rolled her eyes. She refused to get counseling. So our life together limped by. Two years ago I found a class list from college. I emailed this girl who was in my class just to say hi. She lives about 6 hours from us so all of our correspondence were either email or on the phone. She was like a breathe of fresh air. She gave me the emotional attention that I was lacking from my wife. Ok, I'm getting too the real issue now...In march of this year, my wife had been really quite and more closed off then normal. She had recently been diagnosed as severe bipolar and prescribed medication that she didn't take. I finally sat her down and asked over and over what was wrong. She finally told me that she didn't know if she loved me anymore. I was devastated. I did everything for her. I couldn't understand it...I have a really great career that provides my family with everything they need and want and I'm a great father to my kids. I have been there for her through all her **** and she tells me that. Anyways she told me she needed space to think. At first I didn't want to leave MY house but after a week of not sleeping and going crazy, I decided to leave to my dad's house for a couple of days. While I was there I went out with my cousin and got really drunk. My dad lives near the girl I was talking to, so we met up and we had sex. I was so ashamed after. Anyways, in June of this year after my wife was going through my emails she found out. I lied at first out of desperation. Finally, she called this girl (she got her number from phone records) and the truth came out. I know I was wrong...I really do. I could've left her and started a new life but I wanted to make things work for her and the kids. I made a wrong choice, well I made lots of wrong choices. So since then I've tried to make it up to her by staying at her parents house who live close by, sending her on two different vacations, I go to counseling and within the last 2 months I've had the kids while she went out with her friends. I can't go on with my life like this any longer. She treats me like **** and ignores any good I do for her. I know trust takes long time to get back but she's not even trying. I've asked her if she wants a divorce but she will not give me an answer. I feel I can't divorce her since I'm the one that cheated. So I'm sitting hear in limbo and hating my life. If it wasn't for my kids who I put first in everything, I would be dead. I'm know I'm a good looking guy and I have no problems getting women but thats not what I want. I never wanted to be unfaithful but I was. I know the emotional affair I had with this girl for two years was probably worse then the one night of sex. Sorry for this being so long and I know I'm probably missing some stuff but this is my situation in a nutshell. Any advice or comments, good or bad would be greatly appreciated...Thank you for reading
Space Ritual Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 Hmmmm... Although I do not condone cheating in any sense of the word, your entire relationship was already based on a lie by her not even letting you know she was married until 7 months into your courtship... So right there would have been red flag number one as to a snapshot of your future together. Id never had continued seeing her after that discovery.... But the fact remains that you cheated. Regardless of what the problems there are and were, there just is never an excuse for cheating in my humble opinion. And even though you two have kids together between your cheating and her emotional problems I think you might as well not ask her for divorce, but simply file. If she refused to go to any type of therapy or counseling before you cheated, I am afraid that even attempting to bring up MC at this point is a joke. Of course she is under no time frame to ever forgive you for the infidelity. You should have filed before ever doing it Drinking is no excuse for the sex, either...you wanted to bone this chick, and you did...own up to it. However once again this whole relationship started out as a lie, and she did tell you she wanted space. You already know the answer to this...your marriage does not have a shot in hell.
lostsunsets Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 So basically you are waiting for things to return to normal? Look at this one fact. She does not want to get better. Its that simple. You messed up. She should either leave you or work on the marriage. If she won't do either, divorce her so she can be left with herself to figure out whether she ever wants to be healthy.
wheelwright Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 Yours is a sad story, and frankly I am appalled by the lack of compassion for you and your W in the replies so far. As you are obviously aware, your W's issues are at the root of all this. She may still love you, but be unable to access the place love flows from because of her past. Your ONS may make you feel guilty, and give her further trust issues. However, I expect she is using it as an excuse to reject you. For her, it may be a safer place to not be involved in a committed relationship - the risk of having trust abused is too great. In my M, when trust issues were triggered, I felt I had lost the love for my H. But I can see this probably happened because of my traumatic childhood rather than what my H did. It feels normal to not trust, because of the way I was treated. Normal = safe to someone with this history. But the fact is, this person's normal is far from safe. Please be patient with her. Her hurt runs deep. Let her know gently how guilty you feel, and continue to give her support and space. You can reawaken glimmers of any love she has for you by being good to her. And if she comes back, and it is a big if, then do everything to make this vulnerable woman feel trust for you. Try not to let the guilt eat you. I don't think you behaved that badly. And deep down she probably doesn't either. Good luck. This must be a very black time for you, but you will come through it and be there for your daughters.
Snowflower Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Yours is a sad story, and frankly I am appalled by the lack of compassion for you and your W in the replies so far. As you are obviously aware, your W's issues are at the root of all this. She may still love you, but be unable to access the place love flows from because of her past. Your ONS may make you feel guilty, and give her further trust issues. However, I expect she is using it as an excuse to reject you. For her, it may be a safer place to not be involved in a committed relationship - the risk of having trust abused is too great. In my M, when trust issues were triggered, I felt I had lost the love for my H. But I can see this probably happened because of my traumatic childhood rather than what my H did. It feels normal to not trust, because of the way I was treated. Normal = safe to someone with this history. But the fact is, this person's normal is far from safe. Please be patient with her. Her hurt runs deep. Let her know gently how guilty you feel, and continue to give her support and space. You can reawaken glimmers of any love she has for you by being good to her. And if she comes back, and it is a big if, then do everything to make this vulnerable woman feel trust for you. Try not to let the guilt eat you. I don't think you behaved that badly. And deep down she probably doesn't either. Good luck. This must be a very black time for you, but you will come through it and be there for your daughters. WW, this is a very nice post. I hope the OP reads it and finds that it gives him some hope. Thanks for writing this.
Space Ritual Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Yours is a sad story, and frankly I am appalled by the lack of compassion for you and your W in the replies so far. As you are obviously aware, your W's issues are at the root of all this. She may still love you, but be unable to access the place love flows from because of her past. Your ONS may make you feel guilty, and give her further trust issues. However, I expect she is using it as an excuse to reject you. For her, it may be a safer place to not be involved in a committed relationship - the risk of having trust abused is too great. In my M, when trust issues were triggered, I felt I had lost the love for my H. But I can see this probably happened because of my traumatic childhood rather than what my H did. It feels normal to not trust, because of the way I was treated. Normal = safe to someone with this history. But the fact is, this person's normal is far from safe. Please be patient with her. Her hurt runs deep. Let her know gently how guilty you feel, and continue to give her support and space. You can reawaken glimmers of any love she has for you by being good to her. And if she comes back, and it is a big if, then do everything to make this vulnerable woman feel trust for you. Try not to let the guilt eat you. I don't think you behaved that badly. And deep down she probably doesn't either. Good luck. This must be a very black time for you, but you will come through it and be there for your daughters. OF course you are appalled....I read your threads...You are a cheater yourself!!! ROFLMAO!!! The OP's wife based the entire relationship on a lie... and in the end he cheated on her so he is no better than her... There is no justification for cheating in my opinion EVER! It is a sign of exteme cowardice and self delusion. Sound Familiar???
eeyore1981 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Do you love your wife and want to be with her? Do you even know? I would at bare minimum make visitation arrangements with my children and tell wife other than speaking about the children, the two of you need NC for at least a month to see if you even miss each other. I'm in agreement with 'no reason for cheating', as there are other options out there to try to fix or end your marriage, and cheating is a crappy way to treat someone. However, there are other crappy ways to treat someone besides cheating, and it sounds like you have experienced some of them. Life is too short for this. You only get x number of years on this planet, is this really how you want to be spending them?
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