I did it because I loved her.

[tojaz]

What a heartfelt and tragic story. Where are men like you?! If your wife didn't appreciate you, she clearly didn't deserve you.

 

Can someone fall in love with another after reading ONE post...?

 

Thats exactly what I was thinking... If his wife could ever read omg...

Reading this sent me into an emotional crying fit... lovely.

 

Where does one go to get a blushing smilie! Careful ladies, i just may develop a fat head! Thank you though for the incredibly sweet words, I'll have to look in on both of your threads.

TOJAZ

[beachbabyblues]

Where does one go to get a blushing smilie! Careful ladies, i just may develop a fat head! Thank you though for the incredibly sweet words, I'll have to look in on both of your threads.

TOJAZ

Not such a good idea in my case tojaz.

[tojaz]

What a heartfelt and tragic story. Where are men like you?! If your wife didn't appreciate you, she clearly didn't deserve you.

 

Can someone fall in love with another after reading ONE post...?

 

Thats exactly what I was thinking... If his wife could ever read omg...

Reading this sent me into an emotional crying fit... lovely.

 

Where does one go to get a blushing smilie! Careful ladies, i just may develop a fat head! Thank you though for the incredibly sweet words, I'll have to look in on both of your threads.

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

That is quite possibly the greatest compliment I have ever received, and considering the source, it means a helluva lot. Thank You Gunny.

TOJAZ

 

I second Gunny's compliment. You gave it 150%, you still do here helping others, it shows.

[tojaz]

Not such a good idea in my case tojaz.

 

I saw them.

We find ourselves in some very difficult situations when it comes to trying to follow our hearts. Regardless of the details the emotions and pain are the same. Be careful with your heart BeachBaby.

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

I second Gunny's compliment. You gave it 150%, you still do here helping others, it shows.

Thanks Trippi, that means a lot. All of the compliments do, thanks everyone.

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about this thread. I go back to Gunny saying I gave 150%. Hes right, and thats what bothers me the most I think. Sad as it sounds, there is not a whole lot that gives me joy. When I do find something I tend to throw myself into it, like Gunny said 150%. The way I've always been and the way I am in love. I've always considered that an admirable quality, but I find myself getting hurt by that more often then not. Makes me wonder If I was setting myself up to fail, and if being that way will carry over to my future. I see that trend continuing even after my marriage. I tend to be very selective of the things that get my attention, but when i find something or someone that I'm willing to devote myself to they get my all and my best. Yet i have rarely if ever seen that returned to me in my friendships, in relationships, and even in my own family. makes me fear that i really do unfairly expect too much and by doing that in effect sabotage and miss opportunites for my own happiness.

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about this thread. I go back to Gunny saying I gave 150%. Hes right, and thats what bothers me the most I think. Sad as it sounds, there is not a whole lot that gives me joy. When I do find something I tend to throw myself into it, like Gunny said 150%. The way I've always been and the way I am in love. I've always considered that an admirable quality, but I find myself getting hurt by that more often then not. Makes me wonder If I was setting myself up to fail, and if being that way will carry over to my future. I see that trend continuing even after my marriage. I tend to be very selective of the things that get my attention, but when i find something or someone that I'm willing to devote myself to they get my all and my best. Yet i have rarely if ever seen that returned to me in my friendships, in relationships, and even in my own family. makes me fear that i really do unfairly expect too much and by doing that in effect sabotage and miss opportunites for my own happiness.

TOJAZ

 

Giving 150% is an admirable quality, and it's who you are and a wonderful trait to have.....any woman who gets that from a man is a lucky woman :love: But I can relate to expecting too much in return. When you give and give in a relationship and feel like you don't get anything back, it hurts. It makes it scary to "give" again.

 

I think my STBX and I both gave in different ways in our relationship, but we both had different expectations....we never "civally" communicated what we expected or really wanted out of the relationship. There's that communcation gap that Gunny's always talking about. Sometimes even the simple things can become complicated.

 

I don't think devoting yourself to something or someone and giving it 150% is sabotage when the expectations aren't met, it's not communicating the expectations that typically creates the sabotage.

 

It saddens me that not much gives you joy, we've had that talk before ...what is the next "jump"? What is Tojaz going to do for Tojaz today?

[tojaz]

Oh, Tojaz jumped alright, right into a big pile of crap. :o

[Auroracoladybug]

Oh, Tojaz jumped alright, right into a big pile of crap. :o

 

I don't think you are setting yourself up for failure if the person on the other end understands that you are in it 150%...you will find happiness I promise:love:

[tojaz]

Time will tell Ladybug, just a killer to try and give so much. Really starting to think thats the wrong way to be, seems to end up in disappointment more times then not. Probably just need to quit thinking about it and enjoy the ride and see where I wind up, but thats hard when you know where you want to be.

TOJAZ

[Chrome Barracuda]

What's the whole point in remembering the past tojaz, she failed you...

 

That's it, really! you did everything in your power to make it work and it still wasnt good enough. Stop being a human pin cushion.

 

The more you comiserate, you wont move on. Let it go...

 

You owe this woman no more space in your head or your heart.

[tojaz]

Very good point chrome, but even though thats how this thread started, this is more about exploring my own inner workings then as they relate to her, she wanted out, shes out, I like my memories, but thats all they are now.

TOJAZ

[Auroracoladybug]

Very good point chrome, but even though thats how this thread started, this is more about exploring my own inner workings then as they relate to her, she wanted out, shes out, I like my memories, but thats all they are now.

TOJAZ

They have taught you a lot...you my dear friend are sure to make more...

 

and better...we are too young :Dfor the best is yet to come m ,m nn kjghkhho is what the baby has to say

[tojaz]

They have taught you a lot...you my dear friend are sure to make more...

 

and better...we are too young :Dfor the best is yet to come m ,m nn kjghkhho is what the baby has to say

 

Oh, I know. I'm making more every day! Not gonna stop living just because someone dosen't want to share them with me. Smarter then that!

 

Tell Cian ghb jsjjkdbb rhgbjdsydb hgejghdybg, He'll know what it means.

TOJAZ

[Auroracoladybug]

Oh, I know. I'm making more every day! Not gonna stop living just because someone dosen't want to share them with me. Smarter then that!

 

Tell Cian ghb jsjjkdbb rhgbjdsydb hgejghdybg, He'll know what it means.

TOJAZ

 

He just giggled at me...he likes the bunny...by the way he pointed at the flowers when I got on and I said your name and he repeated...my little tape recorder...it is funny when he repeats thinks like cockpit aleron...things about planes lol...pilot in training...my uncle is giving him his $250 flight simulator for x-mas...great just what he needs...

:bunny:

[tojaz]

He needs to talk grandpa into building him something like this. http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.hostetlersplans.com/33gee-bee.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.hostetlersplans.com/geebee33.html&h=318&w=500&sz=24&tbnid=cvhHk6RusKEgpM:&tbnh=83&tbnw=130&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dgeebee&usg=__V3uLF8egMOvmOZwdLr7ghPoxu1w=&ei=p-n-SobLDNSztgfP87iTDg&sa=X&oi=image_result&resnum=3&ct=image&ved=0CA0Q9QEwAg

He would just about fit. LOL

[Auroracoladybug]

He needs to talk grandpa into building him something like this. http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.hostetlersplans.com/33gee-bee.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.hostetlersplans.com/geebee33.html&h=318&w=500&sz=24&tbnid=cvhHk6RusKEgpM:&tbnh=83&tbnw=130&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dgeebee&usg=__V3uLF8egMOvmOZwdLr7ghPoxu1w=&ei=p-n-SobLDNSztgfP87iTDg&sa=X&oi=image_result&resnum=3&ct=image&ved=0CA0Q9QEwAg

He would just about fit. LOL

 

Ironically the Gee Bee is Cian's favorite and I already sent him to pedalplanekits.com...check it out LOL

[tojaz]

Ironically the Gee Bee is Cian's favorite and I already sent him to pedalplanekits.com...check it out LOL

Not ironic, I remembered. Just checked em out, those are so cool!! Wish i would have found those when my nephews were small enough, look like a blast!

[Auroracoladybug]

Not ironic, I remembered. Just checked em out, those are so cool!! Wish i would have found those when my nephews were small enough, look like a blast!

 

I just wish I had money... he is spoiled enough but he is my baby...thanks for remembering...I got him a set from wally world called crazy planes for his bed at J's and I am having a quilt made and decided I am going to keep it here at my house...

[tojaz]

Sounds Nice Ladybug, I'm sure he will enjoy that.

[tojaz]

That's what you get from "whisky thinking' ~ and such.

 

You come across as a very intelligent, thoughtful and compassionate guy.

 

And it will be on your mind all the years of the rest of your life.

 

I live in a university town, and I've seen it many times. When its the woman that obtains the degrees, the professional success, career they've worked for and dreamed of? It usually goes about fifty-fifty?

 

When it doesn't? It usually because they feel a disconnect between their professional life and their personal life ~ the proverbial trying to make the square peg fit the round hole.

 

 

Did you fail her? Did you fail the marriage?

 

IMHO ~ no! You made her who and what she is. What she has and has achieved in life was from the sweat of your brow ~ and apparently your long term health.

 

But sometimes, the love we give someone isn't deserved. The compassion and devotion we give someone isn't deserved.

 

Been thinking about this a lot. Before everyone calls me out for beating myself up, I'm not. Just trying real hard to learn from what has been.

 

The financial aspect was never really the concern. I gave up a lot to get us started,but she always contributed just as much. She had the better job and i had money in the bank. Once we were rolling she paid her share, I should give her credit for that and most of what was sold or sacrificed in order to get us started, I never told her about, just me trying to be a good provider.

 

The part that hits is the emotional investment. Setting a lot of emotional needs aside so she could do what she needed to make herself happy, basicly suffering in secret i guess. I've done that a lot and find I'm still doing it. Not with her but with others. Put people first, thats what a good man does, but what happens when your tapped out? Come to find out that those that you give and sacrafice for are blindsided that you may have needs of your own. In doing for yourself after so long of doing for them, you seem aggressive, and selfish. Was that just the people around me or is that really how it works? Because i see it everywhere! In every aspect of my life Give till it hurts and there is no shortage of people to take, yet when i'm in need I stand alone. Used to believe that it was the people I surrounded myself with, but I'm truly starting to believe its me.

 

How does someone with that type of personality meet their own needs?

TOJAZ

[Gunny376]

Been thinking about this a lot. Before everyone calls me out for beating myself up, I'm not. Just trying real hard to learn from what has been.

 

The financial aspect was never really the concern. I gave up a lot to get us started,but she always contributed just as much. She had the better job and i had money in the bank. Once we were rolling she paid her share, I should give her credit for that and most of what was sold or sacrificed in order to get us started, I never told her about, just me trying to be a good provider.

 

The part that hits is the emotional investment. Setting a lot of emotional needs aside so she could do what she needed to make herself happy, basically suffering in secret i guess. I've done that a lot and find I'm still doing it. Not with her but with others. Put people first, thats what a good man does, but what happens when your tapped out? Come to find out that those that you give and sacrafice for are blindsided that you may have needs of your own. In doing for yourself after so long of doing for them, you seem aggressive, and selfish. Was that just the people around me or is that really how it works? Because i see it everywhere! In every aspect of my life Give till it hurts and there is no shortage of people to take, yet when i'm in need I stand alone. Used to believe that it was the people I surrounded myself with, but I'm truly starting to believe its me.

 

How does someone with that type of personality meet their own needs?

TOJAZ

 

From 1979 through 1991 I earned somewhere around $300,000 which of course I spent every last dime on the XW, DSD, DD and DS.

 

In 1991, I gave the XW everything from a twelve year marriage save the clothes on my back, my own personal belongings (some of which she even kept) a wooden clothes hamper, (I built) a magazine rack made from an old wooden Coke-Cola crate, and artificial fern and the stereo system (that I worked a second job to buy while in Okinawa Japan along with all of the cassettes, CD's and such (which I bought)

 

She complained about that.

 

From 1991 until present I filed "Single Claiming One" giving the XHEX the tax deduction for the children.

 

I also paid $700 a month in child support after tax.

 

I drove junk used cars for the better part of the last twenty years, only buying a new one in 1993 (which I'm still driving today)

 

Because I was young, dumb and for the most part just plain old ignorant when I got married at the tender age of 22?

 

I've filed bankruptcy ~ back when you still could.

 

Gone more than a round or two with the IRS, (because I was a decent guy, played by the rules and did what was right by my children ~ only to have been thrown under the bus by the X.)

 

Net result?

 

My daughter and son call another man "Daddy" and the XHEX has had 20 years to re-write the history of the marriage.

 

My 29 year old daughter tells me. "My Daddy's done more for me that you have!"

 

Hell I was the best thing ever to happen to the SOB! Because of me? Is the reason he's where he's at in life and has what he's got.

 

I did what I had to do? I did what I had to give! Divorce sucks! Especially for the children. I was determined to take on as much as I could for their sake.

 

They had a good childhood, and never went without.

 

I paid through the nose and through the @zz!

 

But you know what? Its my time now!

 

I'm retired out of the Corps, have all the same benefits and privileges that I had while I was in the Corps, and making more money than I ever made in my life.

 

I'm literally just a couple of months away from being debt free. Being able to live off of my military retirement if I had to.

 

That wouldn't include any thrills or frills in doing so? But I could keep a decent ride under my butt, a roof over my head, groceries in the fridge the lights and gas on were I to find myself without a job? (God forbid)

 

The primary reason I'm divorced is because "All work and no play ~ makes Jack a dull boy!"

 

But I was raised by south Alabama grandparents that raised seven children through the Great Depression and sent four sons off to war (Three to WWII and one to the Korean War) that were dirt poor!

 

I'm one of a handful on either side of the family that have a high school degree let alone a college degree.

 

But they had common sense!

 

"Don't spend money you've not got!"

 

"You can't borrow your way out of debt!"

 

"Make do with what you've got!"

 

And the most precious of all?

 

"You can play now and pay latter? Or you can play now and play forever!"

 

THIS is the time for YOU you to get your Life right!

 

Forget dating and mating!

 

This is the time to get a year's worth of income behind you! This is time when you can go a year without any income coming in. This is the time when you can tell your boss "You know what? You can kiss my @ss!"

Edited November 16, 2009 by Gunny376

[tojaz]

Thanks Gunny, thats good advice for everyone going through this. My financial house is pretty much in order though. To be honest she didn't beat me up too bad on that end she took what she was entitled to and left me in OK shape. She really didn't want much but to get me out of her life as fast as possible. My only debt is my house, I have a pretty decent retirement fund started and while rearranged and cut back, the bills always get paid. Once I sell the Jeep I rebuilt for her, I might even be able to have a little fun!

 

I just feel emotionaly bankrupt sometimes. Thats just the way it plays out. Going through a time like this in your life, you realize who your friends really are and I came to find out I didn't have to many, guess thats why I spend so much time here. My moms great words of comfort when I told her i was getting divorced...."That sucks, can you look at my car?" Haven't talked about it since.

 

The wife, college professor, in order to understand her world, I had to study, I read her books, looked at her presentations, hell I could probably teach her course! Just in order to relate. The fight that lead to bomb drop, was me wanting to take her out for the day! Didn't care where, just wanted some time with the misses on my day off. While I invested myself in her, she was invested in everyone but me, I never once came first, Iwas a shadow and when I wanted to be heard she left and I can never go back to that.

 

Thing I'm worried about is. What do I do to bring behavior like this on? It wasn't just her. I come to see that most of the people around me just have their hand out. Makes me distrustful of people in general. I hate feeling like that.

TOJAZ

[Auroracoladybug]

Thing I'm worried about is. What do I do to bring behavior like this on? It wasn't just her. I come to see that most of the people around me just have their hand out. Makes me distrustful of people in general. I hate feeling like that.

TOJAZ

Tojaz you do nothing to bring about the behaviour that I can tell but you are amazing to try to make those connections with your ex...it is very hard to get someone to understand your thoughts, ideas, passions, without a lot of communication...

J wanted me to play WOW to understand his hobby...I wanted sometimes to put a romance novel under his nose and tell him to read it LOL

 

While I recommend not just trusting everyone I wouldn't say to put everyone in the same box. I have my struggles as much as anyone else but I am that kind of person who will give a hand up way before I could put a hand out...as we get more experience we start to recognize the people we meet are numerous and we have the ability to look for the ones willing to give that hand up and no expectations.