FarFetched Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 Hi everybody, I'm new to the forum and wanted to share my brief story: Wife and I have been married one year, together for four. She gets very emotional about arguments and tends to shut down/take them all very seriously. After we became engaged, whenever we would have an argument, she'd say she didn't want to marry me. We almost called off the marriage twice. She continued to do this after we were married, and I started getting nervous that she couldn't handle an adult relationship/marriage (she is mid 20s, I am late 20s). I started becoming distant, though I would always spend time with her, let her know I cared about and loved her, etc. Things started getting much more difficult between us in June, and in September she asked for space and I agreed. We were moving accross country, and had decided (before the space thing) that she would stay back for a month or so to get things in order before joining me. She told me she still wanted to spend the rest of her life with me and that she loved me. She said as long as I was willing, we could work through anything together. I agreed, told her how much I missed her, and asked her to move out as soon as possible so we could start working on the marriage. Throughout the month I would tell her all the things I was willing to change to improve our marriage. I recognize that there were certain things I needed to work on: marriage is supposed to be tough and requires some adjustments at times, after all. But, she never wanted to talk with me. When I went to surprise her one weekend, she wasn't happy to see me. I came to find out (through extremely convincing evidence I found at her house) that she had been having an affair, and had been speaking with this guy since June. She agreed to cut-off all contact with the guy, but I have reason to believe that she still gets/sends the guy text messages at the very minimum. At first she said they were just friends, then that she was leaning on him for the emotional things I was unable to provide, then that they had an emotional (but never physical) affair. She would tell me she wanted to do everything we could to save our marriage, but still didn't want to talk with me on a regular basis, and she would always waffle on whether or not she wanted to work on it. She also kept pushing off her move date, saying she needed to get things setup before she moved out with me. I eventually told her all the things I wasn't getting from her that I needed for our marriage to succeed. I also told her what I was willing to give her. I asked that she prepare the same list for me. I basically needed her to committ to me for the long-term and move out a month from now. She couldn't committ, saying she wasn't going to stay if she was unhappy. I just was asking that she try to work through problems rather than trying to run away from them as she has throughout our relationship. I told her that I was putting in so much effort the last few months to show her how much I wanted to save our marriage and that she hadn't shown anything. I told her that moving out would be the one thing she could do to TRULY show me that she was willing to work on our marriage, rather than continuing to put off the decision. Despite this request, she still didn't want to move out yet. She also asked me to commit to the idea that her relationship with the other guy was just friendship. I told her that I didn't think that was the case, and that she had already told me it was an emotional affair (although I do strongly believe it was also physical, based on what I learned). She told me that she's "tired" and that she "can't feel emotions anymore". I can tell this, as she hasn't seemed like the same person to me at all. I recommended that she talk with somebody to make sure her feelings are being properly expressed and felt. I also told her that since she is unwilling to commit to saving our marriage, and that she's unwilling to do the things that I need from a marriage, that I am going to file for divorce. I told her I would send her the property split information and start working on the forms, and that I would send them to her when they were filled-out. She didn't cry, but she was noticeably upset. She didn't talk or say anything. I told her I was going to hang up, said goodbye, and she hung up the phone without saying anything. This was two days ago and I haven't spoken, texted, or emailed her since. As much as I deeply love this woman, I'm not going to stay married to somebody who isn't as committed to the union as I am. She has obviously fallen for somebody else and has no interest in me or my feelings anymore. So, I'm not going to disrespect myself by sticking around in that situation. I also realize that she is extremely immature in many areas. She is entirely too comfortable lying to me lately, and I have caught her in these lies several times. She is not comfortable with handling the difficult situations that marriages can present, nor is she capable of working through tough times without losing sight of why we married eachother in the first place and how much we love eachother. In short, she's not the type of person at this point that I want to share my life with. Although I recognize that my decision makes sense, it's still difficult sometimes. Some days I am completely fine and recognize that I will eventually meet a more respectful and caring woman. I'm honestly not worried about that at all. Other days, when I miss my wife, I find that I ignore all the bad things and focus on the good we used to share. When you all say it's a rollercoaster, I agree with that wholeheartedly. I'm going to start really get myself back into shape again, probably lay off the alcohol for a while (though an occasional beer will be consumed), and start focusing on myself again. But, I am sure I will be tempted to call her or find out how she's doing, particularly on those days that I miss her. I really hope I can stay strong enough to not do that.
Cranialrupture Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 You might not like this, but your going to get this anyways. You situation is not unusuall. I can relate to almost everything you said, and so can others here on LS. I said the same to things to myself. That I tried to do everything to the save my marriage, etc. I WAS WRONG!!! Nothing I can do to save it now, its too far gone. But I now know what I can do for future relationships. Telling them you love them and will do anything for them etc etc blah blah blah means nothing. Women have certain emotional needs and men have certain emotional needs. When I found what they were I was able to look back and see exactly where my marriage started going down the tubes. It hurts me to find out after my marriage has completely fallen apart. Me and my ex got along great. We thought we had it all figured out. We did all the I love you's, hugs and kisses and were sexually active, both cared for our kids were active etc but we still failed. The majority of people have an affair because their emotional needs are not being met by their partner. Since they need it but arent getting it, they seek it else where. This responsibiltiy of the problem does not all belong to the person having the affair. I would A: quit drinking period. B: Take care of yourself C: get counseling and do some research on what those emotional needs are that the opposite sex needs. Then look back and see where you made the mistake. Yes she had an affair on you, but there was something there in the beginning to make her want you, that is now missing. Its easy to blame her. (she most likely is not innocent either) but pointing all the blame to her is not going to help YOU at all. Not saying do this to save the marriage. That is not my place. I am just saying find the 'real problem' not the symptom and fix the problem for yourself wether it be to save the marriage our for future relationships. Then use that to better yourself. I only say this because my wife left me once before 6 years ago (after 5 years of marriage) for 2 months. We tried to fix the symptom and not the actual problem. We fell right back into the exact thing that caused the first seperation. Now we are getting divorced. All because I was ignorant. I did not know how to show my wife appreciation for the things she did for me. Women want non wussy guys and to feel appreciation. I was a wuss and didn't properly show appreciation. Men need to feel admired and to feel like the hero or a knight in shining armor. I did not get that from her. Yes theres alot of other things but it would take to long to type. Get that counseling and do some research to find out what really went wrong. Improve yourself and educate yourself. You will be surprised at how little you really know. God knows I was. But it has helped me out so much. Good luck.
Author FarFetched Posted November 8, 2009 Author Posted November 8, 2009 Cranial, thank you for your post. I certainly recognize that I wasn't fulfilling her emotional needs and also understand how that played a part in her seeking it from outside the marriage. But, that doesn't excuse her for doing it. I recognized the root of the problem and was taking steps to correct it, she just wasn't patient enough or have the desire to see it through. I have definitely learned from this for future relationships.
Cranialrupture Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 I agree, I does not excuse her actions in any way. I was just sharing that so many us, including me never stop to look inward. And that when I finally did (a little late) it has helped me in so many ways. I am sorry to hear your story, but I am glad to see your heading in the right direction and doing what you need to do for yourself.
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