HeavenOrHell Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 For the first month my friends were great, they made a point of meeting up more often and phoning more often and friends I don't usually have much contact with made the effort to phone, so I'd have someone to see or talk to each day, but after a month or so it dropped away bit by bit, so the phone rings about once a week, apart from my mum who rings most days now, and I see friends about once a fortnight, no-one has been to my house for a month (apart from ex), when a friend is available to meet I always have to go to theirs, always me who makes the effort, most of the time I am just left to cope alone, my 2 closest friends locally (sisters) originally said you cant put a time limit on grief when I said to them I didn't want to be a burden, I asked them if I could maybe come to theirs one eve a week just to watch telly with them and they said they were usually tired in the eves, was that asking too much? I feel such a loser, spending most evenings alone, how sad and crap is that. I was there for them for 2 years when they had problems, yes I found it hard listening to the same thing over and over again but I did it. It doesn't help that a group of friends I introduced my ex too have stuck with him and don't bother with me now, they've no idea how much worse I have felt because of them. Ex used to fancy one of them so I guess she gets off on that. So is it just me, or have your friends dropped their support by bit? I know it must get tedious listening to someone with heartbreak but I do try not talk about it all the time, they're all making the situation far worse as I feel I am going through this pretty much alone. And cos I am lonely it makes the temptation to see my ex stronger. So cheers mates for making me feel so bloody isolated and alone.
Ultiman Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 yo i am in the same boat as you just much worse. In the first week only two friends of mine have bothered to be there for me and listen to me. Now none have even cared to call me, visit me or whatever. My best friend A didnt even say he was sorry for what happened the same day i broke up. Today ive spent a lonely day by myself and with my mom and the only friend ive talked to was because i called him up. There all to busy with there lives to care for someone who is in pain. Then again all my friends are drug addicts stuck in fantasy land. Dont worry bro at least your friends were there for you and cared for you for at least a month. I have no one and i am starting all over again with eveything my life, my ex, my friends, my job, no drugs and school all in the same week. Its been tough very tough but my head is still held high.
mickleb Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 I've realised that not all of my friends are very good at this. Some are great 'caregivers', they'll cook me a lovely dinner but they won't ask any questions or want to get onto the subject, some are fantastic at keeping things funny/breezy (which is great for going out) but they want the subject to be done in one sentence. Luckily, one is a great all-rounder, so I've got someone I can rely on (pretty much). Guess that means we need to make some new ones (and we've always got this place). x
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 Hi, I'm female I meant my friend who's female will be getting off on the fact she's in touch with my ex knowing that he used to fancy her, not that he's getting off on it, he's much nicer than her, not self centred like she is. I feel for you, at least my few friends aren't alcoholics or into drugs, I know how hard it is being friends with an alcoholic, they are unlikely to be able to be there much for you, if at all Too self centred. Good for you for trying to come off the drugs though In a way it might be better if I'd had little support from the start and not got used to it, rather than being given it and then really missing it once it had gone. yo i am in the same boat as you just much worse. In the first week only two friends of mine have bothered to be there for me and listen to me. Now none have even cared to call me, visit me or whatever. My best friend A didnt even say he was sorry for what happened the same day i broke up. Today ive spent a lonely day by myself and with my mom and the only friend ive talked to was because i called him up. There all to busy with there lives to care for someone who is in pain. Then again all my friends are drug addicts stuck in fantasy land. Dont worry bro at least your friends were there for you and cared for you for at least a month. I have no one and i am starting all over again with eveything my life, my ex, my friends, my job, no drugs and school all in the same week. Its been tough very tough but my head is still held high.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 I'm so envious, but happy for you! I so wish I had that support, it would make all the difference, I've tried to make more friends over the years but haven't got very far, doesn't help that I'm shy, and that I usually get knock backs, so I'm too scared to even try now. I wouldn't feel so unloved and unneeded after the break up if I had friends to turn to. Also makes me wonder if my ex only needed me until he made good friends, then he didn't need me anymore. I've realised that not all of my friends are very good at this. Some are great 'caregivers', they'll cook me a lovely dinner but they won't ask any questions or want to get onto the subject, some are fantastic at keeping things funny/breezy (which is great for going out) but they want the subject to be done in one sentence. Luckily, one is a great all-rounder, so I've got someone I can rely on (pretty much). Guess that means we need to make some new ones (and we've always got this place). x
mickleb Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 I REALLY think you musn't judge yourself as being 'someone sad', just because you spend most of your evenings alone. There is nothing wrong with being alone (obviously, it helps once you get used to it, have dealt with the grief, etc.) I dislike the notion that we're all supposed to be out with mates / having dinner parties / taking high tea all the time. I'm not annoyed with you, far from it, it's the idea that society makes us feel inferior if we just happen to stay in and watch TV, or cook for ourselves, or fiddle about on You Tube. Yes, sharing our experiences with others is great but most people just don't have the energy to be socialising all the time. I don't, anyway! I guess I took five years out of dating before I met my ex and just forced myself to get used to being alone and independent of having a partner. (A little commitment phobic, in retrospect but I made some fantastic changes in my life during this time.) There are places like this that where we can share ourselves and that might just, at least, satisfy our 'need' for others. We mustn't worry about having any other life than the one we have but if we want to change it, we should. x
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 Good post and I agree, but also I don't want to feel I am odd or whatever for needing company, although I'm shy I also love company (as well as needing lots of time alone), we are social animals so do need each other, I sometimes feel weak, for want of a better word, or 'needy' for needing other people. So it's not that I am made to feel I should have company, it's that I genuinely want it (and crave it if I don't have it) and enjoy it-well if they're good friends that is! I don't want company for company's sake sort of thing! But, my ex clearly didn't feel I needed him enough, well in hindsight I SO do!! Ironic really, looks like it was me who needed him far more than he needed me!! I agree it is good to be independent though, I would like to feel I don't need people, then I wouldn't feel so lonely. I REALLY think you musn't judge yourself as being 'someone sad', just because you spend most of your evenings alone. There is nothing wrong with being alone (obviously, it helps once you get used to it, have dealt with the grief, etc.) I dislike the notion that we're all supposed to be out with mates / having dinner parties / taking high tea all the time. I'm not annoyed with you, far from it, it's the idea that society makes us feel inferior if we just happen to stay in and watch TV, or cook for ourselves, or fiddle about on You Tube. Yes, sharing our experiences with others is great but most people just don't have the energy to be socialising all the time. I don't, anyway! I guess I took five years out of dating before I met my ex and just forced myself to get used to being alone and independent of having a partner. (A little commitment phobic, in retrospect but I made some fantastic changes in my life during this time.) There are places like this that where we can share ourselves and that might just, at least, satisfy our 'need' for others. We mustn't worry about having any other life than the one we have but if we want to change it, we should. x
mickleb Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 Sometimes (frequently, actually) we can end up choosing the wrong people to be our friends (and our partners) because we are needy for company, though. I have felt let-down by friends too much. I think that's because, I felt, I'd been there for them and they just didn't reciprocate. I'd, honestly, rather satiate my 'need' for communicating at work, with the (one or two) of my family members/friends I trust and with the people here, now, whilst I (slowly, rationally) build my friendships with others that seem promising and re-evaluate my existing friendships (and see them for what they are). I held a little party last week and invited a few people (some known well, some less well-known) to dinner for Hallowe'en. This was a bit tiring (took a little effort) but quite manageable and helped me to remember I need to put in the effort, too, if I want more/better friendships. I plan to do this more and more. God, what's an empty apartment good for, if not a little party?! I'm not going to stress about it, though. That won't help me to find the right people or culture the good relationships I already have. Some of us beat ourselves up too much, a few people never, ever do and become narcissistic. Some people find a great balance of being productive, objective and sensitive. We all have the power to be balanced, healthy people (for some this includes managing existing physical or mental health problems). We have the POWER to be the best we can be. We all have options. But worrying never solved anything. Of course we all do it, from time to time (some times more than others) and a bit of serious analysis can be extremely productive but worrying will hold you back from taking the steps you need to take to find what you want in life. x
GrayClouds Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 Times like this separates friendly acquaintances from true friends.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 8, 2009 Author Posted November 8, 2009 I'm careful not to see people who I don't really connect with or enjoy being with much, I mean I don't see just anyone just cos I'm lonely, that would be a bad mistake, I think lack of companionship from my friends (they are lovely people, they just don't have much time for me for various reasons!) has made me want to see more of my ex, which isn't good, but I am trying to make sure if/when I meet him next that it's not cos I am lonely.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 8, 2009 Author Posted November 8, 2009 Is it expecting too much, asking if my 2 closest friends would mind me going to their's one eve a week? I'm being made to feel it's too much One eve a week would make a hell of a difference to me, they said could I see them on a thurs for 3/4 of an hour before their singing class, and when I said thurs is the one eve I cant do cos of yoga class then work they said but we thought you wanted to see us one eve a week! So basically if I don't slot into their 3/4 of an hour on a thursday then I can't want to see them that much, wtf?!
GrayClouds Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 I was wearing down my friends so I implemented the 10 min rule. I told them to give me ten minutes to piss and moan then I will stop. I found they enjoyed my company better and more importantly I started to enjoy my time with them better.
NoneoftheAbove Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 As GC mentioned this is when you see who is your true friends are. Sure it sucks, because they are your friends and you want them to be there to listen to your problems. They really don't know the meaning of being FRIENDS. Don't let this get to you, be happy you figured out who is your true friend.
mickleb Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 Is it expecting too much, asking if my 2 closest friends would mind me going to their's one eve a week? I'm being made to feel it's too much One eve a week would make a hell of a difference to me, they said could I see them on a thurs for 3/4 of an hour before their singing class, and when I said thurs is the one eve I cant do cos of yoga class then work they said but we thought you wanted to see us one eve a week! So basically if I don't slot into their 3/4 of an hour on a thursday then I can't want to see them that much, wtf?! Why so scheduled, HoH? Why not just say - I miss your company and would LOVE to see you, give me a text when you're free. Then maybe check each week by calling, asking how they are, what they're up to, etc. Or invite them over for dinner - get a commitment out of them that helps them with their busy schedules. Help by babysitting, or something. You help them, they'll find it easier to be a friend to you. I have to admit, I'm a busy lady, so I'd shirk a bit if someone expected an evening of mine each week.
stepka Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Glad I'm not alone in this. One friend was coming up from the country on weekends to see me every now and then but she always scheduled it around a date but then she got into a whirlwind romance and married him like w/in 2 months and now I almost never hear from her. My coworkers have actually been more of a comfort to me than my friends have--they're super people, but we don't hang out much after work.
Recommended Posts