seraphim mom Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 So yeah this is my first post, probibly first of many. Well my husband of 2 years filed for divorce in august over my supposed infedelity(I never knew rape was cheating hence why its called rape) and numerous other problems that could have been easily fixed with marriage counseling. I still love him and its very hard for me since we have a 1 yr old daughter together and I have to see him twice a day everyday, and when I see him I just want to cry and have him come back home. He states why he dosent want to get back is that I am angry at him and he dosent want to get back with that, but I think I have a good reason to be angry with him......he abandoned his family. And I just don't want to lose my husband he was my best friend and I feel lost without him, worthless, and a failure for letting myself get so angry as to make him not want to come back home....I would just like some tips so this horrible mistake can be stopped before it goes any further.
lilbelle Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 hey sm... welcome to ls. sorry you are going through this. First things first, rape is serious and will really affect you. Are you getting therapy for this? So he is refusing to work it out, has he explained why he doesn't see any point in it? Seems like he runs from people when the going gets tough huh? I don't know what state your in but some judges will require marriage counseling before a divorce is granted. ours did and things got so much worse so be prepared that the outcome can be uglier than the beginning. lawyer up now and fight dirty girl. be prepared. You want him back, and I can understand that. First create some distance. he probably needs time to think and absorb all of the emotions. second, show him that you are seeking help for the rape and dealing with it so you can then work on your marriage. if he sees you making efforts he will most likely realize that he could work on things to. 2 years huh? not long to be calling for a divorce, i mean you guys should still be in honeymoon phase. I wish you the best and know that divorce is not the end, it can often be a new beginning.
Author seraphim mom Posted November 8, 2009 Author Posted November 8, 2009 Thanks and yeah the rape happened in late july, and tried to hide it since to me it was very embarrasing, and just disgusting. When he confronted me about it since my whole demeanor had changed he never let me talk he just made things up in his head called me a cheater and left. That night I left and stayed the night at a friends with my kids to let him cool down, and when I came back the next day he had alreayd moved all his things from the house to the barracks. Pretty much he blames me for putting myself in that position since it happened at a co workers going away party and I was druggedand raped by someone who I considered a friend and trusted, he filed in august and we have been separeted since then, I am going to counseling and it took me 2 weeks to go to the polive which then I was treated like crap. And then after that he came over to the house drunk and wanting sex and since I still love him I gave him thatand then the next morning he tells me he regreted that, which hurt me even more, we are in arizona and they don't require going to counseling before divorce, and it just strikes me as being lazy since him leaving w/o even trying and abandoning his family and 3 people who love him you know, and we tried the nc thing and that never worked since he would call and start a figt text me come over and start a fight. I mean we never really had a honeymoon period since when we got together we were both active duty and like a month afterr we got married he pcs'd so we were a state apart and he always believes what others tell him and people were telling him I was cheating and we separeated for like 3 months after I ets'd then in may we got back together I gave him a total clean slate moved out her and had my second child, technically we have only been together together for about a year, and now its like anytime I want to talk to him he dosent answer or respond but if he wants to communicate and I don't answer he is allowed to get pissed off. And counseling can help our problems. I just don't know what to do.
HeavenOrHell Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Honey, you deserve much more than this, you need support from a loving, caring partner, you don't deserve his lack of support and rejection after being raped Of course you are angry at him, he has abandoned you and your daughter when you need him more than ever after a trauma like this. You really can't blame yourself for feeling so angry with him, if you'd had his support then you wouldn't be angry with him, so in my eyes it's his fault you are angry and the person who raped you. It's stunning that he accused you of cheating It sounds like he really can't cope with what happened to you but he is also letting his jealousy/distrust take over. Why does he think you cheated? It is good to hear you are receiving counselling, I really think he needs to go for counselling too if there is any way back for you both. Could you go to relationship counselling together? I thought I was worthless when I was dumped but some of the lovely people on here have said that our self worth doesn't depend on what others think of us or how they treat us, we are ALL worthwhile no matter what. Hold your head up high (((((((hugs))))))) So yeah this is my first post, probibly first of many. Well my husband of 2 years filed for divorce in august over my supposed infedelity(I never knew rape was cheating hence why its called rape) and numerous other problems that could have been easily fixed with marriage counseling. I still love him and its very hard for me since we have a 1 yr old daughter together and I have to see him twice a day everyday, and when I see him I just want to cry and have him come back home. He states why he dosent want to get back is that I am angry at him and he dosent want to get back with that, but I think I have a good reason to be angry with him......he abandoned his family. And I just don't want to lose my husband he was my best friend and I feel lost without him, worthless, and a failure for letting myself get so angry as to make him not want to come back home....I would just like some tips so this horrible mistake can be stopped before it goes any further.
SoleMate Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 You need way more support than you're getting, from someone who's capable of providing it. Please see the helpful people at the Southern Arizona Center Against Sexual Assault. 24-hr Sexual Assault Crisis Lines: (520) 327-7273 or (800) 400-1001 http://www.sacasa.org/ They will also have ideas on how to deal with your husband's very unreasonable response. Good luck!
Author seraphim mom Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 Thank you all. Just got on after having a lovely long day at my lawyers office putting things together so I guess we can get this done with since I'm running out of money...in my trust fund for the lawyer( it was 5 grand for him geez and he was the cheapest) and from my actual bank account since I had quit my job after my assault. The reasons why he dosent believe me is that he had been cheated on in the past by other women, or women who strung him along. I never cheated on my husband since I had been cheated on and its not a good feeling. Also we met when we were both active duty army and where I was posted I was 1 of 5 females in a entire unit, if you have ever been in the military you know a unit is pretty big, so I have a lot of guy friends who are like my brothers I mean we went to the field together, did gunneries together, and they would never even try anything with me since I was like their little sister...I'm pretty short so they'd jab me about that. But I told them when I was getting married and they told me not to since they got like a bad vibe off him, I didn't listen, and devin heard about what they said and was like oh that's only cuz they want to sleep with you. And he has major trust issues and a jealousy problem...he was jealous of my best guy friend who is way gay....and yeah I called the rape hotline but I mean I just felt like I was bothering them...yeah I'm pretty bad with that...I always feel I'm bothering people.
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