weeble78 Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 When I go on a first date, many people are asking how come I've just moved country. The reason I moved is that I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me and I decided the best thing was to pick up and go and start again. Should I be honest, or make something up?
2sunny Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 just say you were looking for a change... an adventure.
Author weeble78 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 Ooh I like that idea - makes me sound intruiging, adventurous..... Any other ideas people?
A O Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 What you have done and why you have done it are "big" deals. I'm surprised that you even need to ask. .
Author weeble78 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 Well the reason I ask is that because it is such a big deal, let's just say you end up seeing somebody for a while, how do you end up telling them the truth and wouldn't they wonder why you lied to them in the first place?
A O Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 ^ ^ ^ Again, I don't see the problem here, unless telling the truth is something uncommon to you. This is a no-brainer. .
pricillia Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 It is a big deal because you are still hurt obviously you want the person that you may be dating to know that cheating is not acceptable. Your still living in the past, why don't you try to heal first before dating.
boogieboy Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 You dont tell them you just moved to the country. If you dont mention it, people will assume you lived there for a while.
pricillia Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 You dont tell them you just moved to the country. If you dont mention it, people will assume you lived there for a while. a lie is a lie... making them believe something that is not true will just come out later.. OP needs to get over the cheating and then finally move on... Then when asked it won't be such a big deal
A O Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 You dont tell them you just moved to the country. I think it's a great talking point and I think the reason why, as pricillia's already alluded to, is a very important point. If asked - bring em out in the open. .
Author weeble78 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 But it's not the cheating or past relationship that's an issue, it's the lying. I am a very honest person, and also used to being very open with people. It has nothing to do with me not being over the cheating - that incident actually helped me draw a line over the relationship and move on if anything. I'm the kind of person who doesn't like lying and always prefer to hear the black and white truth no matter what that may be. Does everyone else think it's ok to tell porkies on a first meeting?
Author weeble78 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 Pricillia, also the cheating is not a big deal to me, but it might be a little scary to hear from somebody on a first date or chatting via email/online to hear that the reason you recently moved/left job/friends etc was due to your long term partner cheating on you etc. I know I'd find that a bit heavy and equal it to 'BAGGAGE ALERT' regardless of what the other person said subsequently. Hope I got my point across - I'm not particularly a concise person or articulate for that matter......!
A O Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 But it's not the cheating or past relationship that's an issue, it's the lying. Yes indeed, it's been lied to that's always hardest to get over. Does everyone else think it's ok to tell porkies on a first meeting? Again, this simply isn't a thought process for honest folk that's why I'm surprised you keep bringing it up, even moreso now. .
Author weeble78 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 Well it was something I was pondering earlier as honesty is something I pride myself on yet I could do without getting into heavy conversations when just getting to know somebody. I went on a date 2 months ago where the guy asked me loads of questions about my reasons for moving etc so I told him, he then spent the remainder of the date trying to analyse if I was on the rebound, how I felt about things, how I felt about a new relationship blah blah blah. I'd reeeeeeally like to avoid that situation again as it ruined the date for me.
A O Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 ^ ^ ^ Right, I see, now that all makes sense. Tell them that its a sticking point with you then (which is the truth) and that you'll get around to discussing it at a later date. .
boogieboy Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 it might be a little scary to hear from somebody on a first date or chatting via email/online to hear that the reason you recently moved/left job/friends etc was due to your long term partner cheating on you etc. I know I'd find that a bit heavy and equal it to 'BAGGAGE ALERT' regardless of what the other person said subsequently. he then spent the remainder of the date trying to analyse if I was on the rebound, how I felt about things, how I felt about a new relationship blah blah blah. This is what I meant and should have said.... Its a little heavy to lay it on someone new, and people might get the wrong idea, and think you have major baggage. Its bad form to mention an ex on an initial dates anyways. After they think that, and many of them will, you can never convince them that you are over your ex when you had to leave the country. Its a double edged sword. Prime example...If the guy she went on a date with came to this board and said "I just went on a date with a women who, after asking her why she moved to this country recently, said that she had to get away from her ex. Is this major baggage possibly?" We all know what the answers would be.. "get away from her, shes not ready to date yet, disaster waiting to happen, blah blah blah" She cant win no matter what, so her better risk is to avoid the brutal truth for now...she doesnt have to lie, she just doesnt have to reveal the truth to avoid scaring away a good man. Thats much better than only dealing with one that can deal with the truth that she might not really like at some point. She can reveal the truth later, but by the time its time for that, theres no need to mention the ex.
Author weeble78 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 Phew now that's put it very succinctly Boogieboy - thanks! I find many people (including friends and family) have judged that I should not be ready to date, and assume I must be covering up some dark and deep feelings. The reality is that what happened was a relief and allowed me to finally move on with and enjoy my life - a weight was lifted off my shoulders. When you meet somebody new you immediately start trying to judge them so you can try to connect with them on some level and understand where they're coming from. Unfortunately it is difficult to judge somebody's feelings when you hardly know them as reaction and emotion are very personal things, and down to self-preservation you would judge that somebody recently out of a 7 year relationship who walked away from job/flat/friends to be pretty messed up and likely to be for a while. I hope this makes sense, as I'm dyslexic
A O Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Phew now that's put it very succinctly Boogieboy - thanks! Yes, good post Boogieboy and pretty damn good initial observation also. When you meet somebody new you immediately start trying to judge them so you can try to connect with them on some level and understand where they're coming from. If you want people to know where you're coming from then telling the truth is the best way to go about it. That is why, regardless of how uncomfortable certain questions maybe for you, I'd still tell the truth. You can though, keep things brief and comment about how sensitive these issues still are for you. Hopefully, he'll be perceptive enough to give you the space you require. and down to self-preservation you would judge that somebody recently out of a 7 year relationship who walked away from job/flat/friends to be pretty messed up and likely to be for a while.Not necessarily so. in the eyes of many, your decision would come across as being very brave, and quite normal. .
carhill Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 down to self-preservation you would judge that somebody recently out of a 7 year relationship who walked away from job/flat/friends to be pretty messed up and likely to be for a while. Will disclosing or not disclosing make you any more or less 'messed up'? What will your actions and demeanor convey? Can you trust that someone who is interested in you enough to ask such a question would accept the answer in a neutral manner? To me, the dynamic is more about acceptance than judgment, but YMMV TBH, if asked directly, I'd disclose in a neutral way, avoiding the use of emotionally charged words like 'cheating' or 'had to leave the country' and, if the person is on my path, they'll remain there. If not, acceptance.... How long ago did you get out of the unhealthy relationship? Oh, that answer is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t203601/ Best wishes
Author weeble78 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 I agree about telling people the truth as far as is needed - that way things don't get complicated. And it's funny that many people have made the observation of 'being brave' to me - I think that people just don't know how they'd react being in a certain situation, I certainly surprised myself anyway! Oh and I didn't 'have to leave the country' - it's just the way I deal with things - I make a decision and move on. A new place sounded like fun! Thanks for taking the time to read a previous post Carhill, and thanks for the input and constructive advice! I think if somebody asks pointed questions and appears happy discussing issues like this then I will be upfront, to a point, and say that my relationship had come to an end and I fancied a change. I think if you try and hide things from people they pick up on it.
Author weeble78 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 P.s. that was supposed to be a thanks to everybody!
carhill Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 I think if somebody asks pointed questions and appears happy discussing issues like this then I will be upfront, to a point, and say that my relationship had come to an end and I fancied a change. I would respect those words and connect with them positively if/when, later, they were expanded upon. Sorry for my inference of 'had' wrt leaving the country. 'Chose' would be more accurate. There's sometimes, like right now, I 'choose' to leave the country, too
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