Finding it impossible to cope with the pain

[Ultiman]

My ex recently left and on the same day i decided to quit smoking weed and doing various drugs for good. Yesterday i was also laid off from my job.

 

Its been 15days so far and im finding it nearly impossible to cope with the anxiety, pain, nervousness, sadness and depression. My mom is telling me that my body was used to having drugs as a coping method for pain these past 4 years and she is right. Now without the drugs things are becoming overwhelming and impossible.

 

Just quitting drugs on its own is a tough and painful ordeal but now I have lost the love of my life and my job all at the same time as well. Im scared for my well being and my sanity. I cannot take this suffering anymore and im praying each and everyday that it will just let up ever so slightly but things seem to be getting worse

[McGrupp]

focus on something else. no matter how painful. go find something to do. run. everyday you get stronger.

 

that being said i know its hard. i myself have trouble just getting up in the morning. but living everyday i guess proves that we are bigger then all of this and we will move on.

[mickleb]

Hi Ultiman

 

So sorry you've got all this do deal with at the same time. How cruel life can be, sometimes, foisting this amount of stress on us in one go.

 

You CAN survive this and you WILL. And once you have, you'll have to be careful - you will feel like you can survive anything!

 

I'm talking about a point in the future that will come for you. Now you must deal with the pain and turmoil you are experiencing. It can be useful to remember this tiny pinprick of light that is there at the end of your tunnel, however.

 

Have you visited a doctor to discuss a course of anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medication? I urge you to do so. Of course, you don't have to take them but it's important your doctor knows how bad things are for you. He/she may be able to direct you to some other, holistic treatments or programmes near to you that will help.

 

www.abandonment.net is also a useful place to find other self-help groups and some solid information about what you're going through and why. Take a look.

 

I would imagine that going NC might seem to be a very high mountain for you to climb right now and I'm not sure what your ex has said to you about your situation. She may well feel unable to help you. In this case, I think it's very important that you do try to keep NC, difficult as this will be. McGrupp will attest to how breaking it does no favours for your self-esteem, particularly in the first few weeks/months.

 

There are people here going through very similar situations to your own. Read about their experiences and learn from their processes. Try, if you can, to post and help others too - this is an amazingly good way of feeling more in control of your own situaion (somehow) and does wonders for self-esteem. Try it.

 

Well done for posting. You have done the right thing in asking for help. No-one could be expected to go through this alone, although some poor people have yet to discover Loveshack

 

We'll take care of you. Stay close. x

[Ultiman]

Hi Ultiman

 

So sorry you've got all this do deal with at the same time. How cruel life can be, sometimes, foisting this amount of stress on us in one go.

 

You CAN survive this and you WILL. And once you have, you'll have to be careful - you will feel like you can survive anything!

 

I'm talking about a point in the future that will come for you. Now you must deal with the pain and turmoil you are experiencing. It can be useful to remember this tiny pinprick of light that is there at the end of your tunnel, however.

 

Have you visited a doctor to discuss a course of anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medication? I urge you to do so. Of course, you don't have to take them but it's important your doctor knows how bad things are for you. He/she may be able to direct you to some other, holistic treatments or programmes near to you that will help.

 

www.abandonment.net is also a useful place to find other self-help groups and some solid information about what you're going through and why. Take a look.

 

I would imagine that going NC might seem to be a very high mountain for you to climb right now and I'm not sure what your ex has said to you about your situation. She may well feel unable to help you. In this case, I think it's very important that you do try to keep NC, difficult as this will be. McGrupp will attest to how breaking it does no favours for your self-esteem, particularly in the first few weeks/months.

 

There are people here going through very similar situations to your own. Read about their experiences and learn from their processes. Try, if you can, to post and help others too - this is an amazingly good way of feeling more in control of your own situaion (somehow) and does wonders for self-esteem. Try it.

 

Well done for posting. You have done the right thing in asking for help. No-one could be expected to go through this alone, although some poor people have yet to discover Loveshack

 

We'll take care of you. Stay close. x

 

 

My ex wants to help me... we still love each other but she had to leave to help me understand how much pain i was causing her with my disgusting attitude and behavior and It has worked. Since she has left i have been able to step outside the box and see everything bad i have done to her. I dont blame her for leaving it just hurts knowing shes gone and its all my fault.

 

We still talk about 3 times a week even though i want to go NC its almost impossible to do so. Anti anxiety meds are not an option i was became addicted to them as well (xanax). I could turn to my friends but that is not an option as well because they continue to use drugs which i am trying so hard to stay away from.

[2sunny]

are you doing daily AA or NA meetings? please go - and participate by sharing your struggles. it will help, and it's a good place to get started on your recovery.

 

great job for your clean time!!! just do today! it works, one day at a time!

[Ultiman]

are you doing daily AA or NA meetings? please go - and participate by sharing your struggles. it will help, and it's a good place to get started on your recovery.

 

great job for your clean time!!! just do today! it works, one day at a time!

 

bro thanks man my mom has been urging me to go today and i think im gonna do it. This forum has helped out so much

[rickigal]

I am a recovering addict/alcoholic. I strongly urge you to go to NA or AA meetings. You will not believe how accepting this simple program into your life will help you deal with life on life's terms.

 

We addicts use some substance (food, alcohol, cutting, drugs etc.) to mask the pain instead of dealing with it. It is important that you learn how to do that. There is a solution in AA or NA. You will NOT be able to do it with willpower alone.

 

I also strongly suggest like the other posters to go NC. It may be hard at first but it will get better and will help with the healing process.

 

It does get better with time. Please keep me updated and feel free to ask me any questions you might have. ((HUGS))

[Ultiman]

I was getting pretty close to cutting myself the other day something i swore to myself i would never do

[mickleb]

Okay.

 

I think it's very sweet of your ex to want to help. Sounds like she already has, from what you wrote. I do think, from personal experience, though that she will be the last person who CAN help you, at this particular time. Perhaps a structured, limited contact could be worth a try? Maybe agree to check in with her via written letter every month, or something? It sounds as though this could help her, too. Maybe you two could (one day) work things out. Thing is, as I'm sure you're aware, that day is a long way off from today.

 

Xanax might not be the best option. Amytriptaline (sp?) is a very effective, non-addictive, medium term anti-depressant. I am NOT a doctor though, which is why I suggested talking to him/her.

 

Therapy of some sort sounds like it could be good. You are, already, acknowledging this place is helping, so more talking will probably continue to be beneficial.

 

Self-harm is just about a drastic, blotting-out of pain. SO temporary in it's relief and causes so many more problems, as intellectually, I am sure you are aware.

 

You need to be getting underneath the problem, long-term. The RIGHT medication may help the pain, in the short-term.

 

IF you can stay clean, at least LC and not compound the problems by doing anything that will physically harm you, you WILL find the intensity reduces after a few weeks. If it hasn't you must let your doctor (and us!) know.

 

There are some good books to grab onto during this time that can help you get through the worst of it. Check out the website above for starters and take advice from recovering/recovered addicts here. Google what you can. F*ck it, just Googling is better than nothing and can be extremely productive.

 

Just remember your whole system is awash with stress hormones (like you needed reminding-doh!). It's just it is these that are making you feel desperate. They will regulate themselves, to some degree, as you distance yourself from the causes of them. You need a entirely rational mantra to repeat in your head, to meditate on, whilst you get these out of your system. Read AliveandKicking's posts to HeavenorHell in a current thread to get a grip on what your feelings are telling you vs. what the facts of the situation are - wondeful advice.

 

READ, READ, READ: This will help your rational brain to gain control over your emotional brain (in simple terms). Talking does the same. Hang on in there. It will pass.

 

X

[Ultiman]

The only way she can help me is by coming back to me. Its funny how she says she wants to help but she is the main reason for my current misery and pain. Its so hypocritical

[mickleb]

I disagree. And so did you in your earlier post.

[Ultiman]

I disagree. And so did you in your earlier post.

 

I mean as of now the only way she can help with my pain is by coming back. Ive learned my lesson I didnt appreciate what i had until i blew out but goddamit i appreciate it so much right now. Especially on this lonely saturday i am about to spend with myself

[mickleb]

So use this to motivate you to be your very best. She deserves nothing better, presumably. Do it for the chance of being with her again, if you won't do it for yourself.

 

That way, one day, when you're there you can give it another shot. If she's available she may just return (and be impressed). If she's not, you will still be your very best. So the world will be a whole different place.

 

I'm not saying one snaps one's fingers and dust's oneself off and just becomes enlightened. I'm saying, do the best you can each day. If day one is beating your fists into yor pillow, make day two beating your fists into your pillow AND making sure you get a decent meal inside you. Day three, you may even step outside, etc.

 

I was SO lost with what was happening to me just over three months ago. I feel as though I have grown and improved, as a person, already. You will too.

 

Get a decent DVD out tonight. Or some lovely takeout. Or read a smart book. Anything (healthy-ish) that you can that will help you through.

 

Have a good one, I'm bushed (UK, innit?)

 

x

[Ultiman]

I kinda found a good coping strategy when the anxiety, nervousness and pain begins to overwhelm me. I go to my room alone put a good love song that reminds me of her and cry as ****ing hard as i can. I pull my hair squeeze my head and cry cry cry. Afterwards i feel so much damn better

[Ms. Joolie]

As you go through this painful time in your life, Ultiman, remember that today is a new day and that you have a future to look forward to. I have no doubt the pain of all these unfortunate things is causing you misery, but don't cave in.... be strong! The pain is for things that have already passed.

 

Not that I'm saying you should ignore the pain you are going through. Find your coping strategies. In fact, don't make light of the situation. You are truly going through some painful stuff. Just don't neglect your future. Don't forget you can create your new future now. Now is the time to start again.

 

Treat your pain, but also move forward. Don't let your pain be the only focus right now. Focus on what actions you are going to take to start moving forward again in your life. In ten years, you want to look back proudly at this time in your life, because now is when you took the action you needed to take to keep going. Now is when you set the course, and you want to be proud of that.

 

My sympathy goes out to you in this time of hurt, and my best wishes, too... it's in times of difficulty that we get to show our strength, our hope, our courage. It's in times of difficulty that we get to show who we are, who we really are. You can do it, Ultiman. We're rooting for you.

[mickleb]

I kinda found a good coping strategy when the anxiety, nervousness and pain begins to overwhelm me. I go to my room alone put a good love song that reminds me of her and cry as ****ing hard as i can. I pull my hair squeeze my head and cry cry cry. Afterwards i feel so much damn better

 

Let it out, sweetheart. It's the very first thing that needs to happen.

 

The day you wake up with a face you don't recognise (b/c you've cried so much) will probably be the day you decide the crying has to stop and do the next thing on the road to recovery.

 

Good for you. And well done for posting this. x

[Ultiman]

Let it out, sweetheart. It's the very first thing that needs to happen.

 

The day you wake up with a face you don't recognise (b/c you've cried so much) will probably be the day you decide the crying has to stop and do the next thing on the road to recovery.

 

Good for you. And well done for posting this. x

 

Thank you so much for ur support . Today I woke up again at 7:30 from a dream of her. I cried a little bit during my morning shower. I was able to keep myself distracted and had alot of fun today paintballing. I can feel my thoughts of her ever so gradually dissipating. I can also feel them changing from hating myself for causing this to happen, to anger towards her for continuing this pain towards me. I dont want to be mad at her but if that is what it takes to end my sorrows and depression so be it.

 

I could be prematurely stating this. Im not sure how im gonna feel tommorow when i wake up or maybe later tonight. Im just so damn sick of feeling sad and down only glimmer of hope that it will be over soon makes me ecstatic

Edited November 9, 2009 by Ultiman

[Surfer Girl]

You have a coping mechanism that works.... crying.... getting it all out will help you in the grieving process... You are taking on alot right now.... I give you credit for seeing what you need to make yourself better.....

 

It may be hard to imagine right now it could be better.... but there will come a day when it will be all worth the pain and suffering....

[EarthGirl]

I mean as of now the only way she can help with my pain is by coming back. Ive learned my lesson I didnt appreciate what i had until i blew out but goddamit i appreciate it so much right now. Especially on this lonely saturday i am about to spend with myself

 

thats what my guy always says when I have to disappear cause I just can't take the pain anymore. but it always happens again. I get excited when the time stretches on and still no horrible insults or cheating or lying..months and months and I think hey this is an improvement. I don't except him to go the rest of our lives without making a mistake, but the hurt just happens over and over again inevitably. And EVERY time I think it will be different..we're long distance but just the same when I have been with him for weeks at a time he has never raised a hand to me...and although it's been more of a honeymoon period on those times, I've talked to many of his friends and family and even ex-lovers (not necessarily always pleasant but just the same...) and I've never ever heard of him ever hitting or harming a woman physically.

 

That is not to say emotional/verbal abuse does not many times turn physical ...that's what all the statistics say and I'm sure it's true and women should recognize the signs and be careful not just with their hearts but their physical health and very lives, however I think with some men it's the emotional/verbal that is the main problem..depending on the psychology of each person...Hard to say if that is so much better though.

 

Anyway you want her to help you with your pain, but what about hers? from her viewpoint it's only going to happen again and again that you hurt her..and when you love someone it's so very tempting to want to make them not hurt ever again and to also want to ease their pain instantly, right away...but you know I'm sure you would hurt more if her life took a turn for the worse because she was so depressed about being hurt by you over and over again and maybe you never got to talk to her EVER again.

 

When people love eachother it's kind of a cycle, a connection of worry and pain...what I mean is when one person hurts the other wants to make it feel better..But it's not always that simple. In your situation you want her to make it better right away, but I'm sure you're aware that if you just quit drugs 15 days ago and you have all these emotional issues on top of it (I can relate,I deal with eating issues and emotional ones, basically the same thing), there's no WAY you can possibly promise her that you will stop hurting her so badly. You simply CAN'T. Its' not all your fault, it's just something you are incapable of right now.

[Ultiman]

thats what my guy always says when I have to disappear cause I just can't take the pain anymore. but it always happens again. I get excited when the time stretches on and still no horrible insults or cheating or lying..months and months and I think hey this is an improvement. I don't except him to go the rest of our lives without making a mistake, but the hurt just happens over and over again inevitably. And EVERY time I think it will be different..we're long distance but just the same when I have been with him for weeks at a time he has never raised a hand to me...and although it's been more of a honeymoon period on those times, I've talked to many of his friends and family and even ex-lovers (not necessarily always pleasant but just the same...) and I've never ever heard of him ever hitting or harming a woman physically.

 

That is not to say emotional/verbal abuse does not many times turn physical ...that's what all the statistics say and I'm sure it's true and women should recognize the signs and be careful not just with their hearts but their physical health and very lives, however I think with some men it's the emotional/verbal that is the main problem..depending on the psychology of each person...Hard to say if that is so much better though.

 

Anyway you want her to help you with your pain, but what about hers? from her viewpoint it's only going to happen again and again that you hurt her..and when you love someone it's so very tempting to want to make them not hurt ever again and to also want to ease their pain instantly, right away...but you know I'm sure you would hurt more if her life took a turn for the worse because she was so depressed about being hurt by you over and over again and maybe you never got to talk to her EVER again.

 

When people love eachother it's kind of a cycle, a connection of worry and pain...what I mean is when one person hurts the other wants to make it feel better..But it's not always that simple. In your situation you want her to make it better right away, but I'm sure you're aware that if you just quit drugs 15 days ago and you have all these emotional issues on top of it (I can relate,I deal with eating issues and emotional ones, basically the same thing), there's no WAY you can possibly promise her that you will stop hurting her so badly. You simply CAN'T. Its' not all your fault, it's just something you are incapable of right now.

 

well u kinda took my words a little to far. I didnt abuse her with my words, i didnt curse her out, constantly ridicule her, or constantly put her down. Of course everyone has there moments... I was very kind to her, always giving her advice giving her compliments and whatnot. My problem was the lying and my general lack of enthusiasm for life and lazyness cuz of drugs. It was becoming unattractive to her and she just couldnt take it anymore

[mickleb]

Thank you so much for ur support . Today I woke up again at 7:30 from a dream of her. I cried a little bit during my morning shower. I was able to keep myself distracted and had alot of fun today paintballing. I can feel my thoughts of her ever so gradually dissipating. I can also feel them changing from hating myself for causing this to happen, to anger towards her for continuing this pain towards me. I dont want to be mad at her but if that is what it takes to end my sorrows and depression so be it.

 

I could be prematurely stating this. Im not sure how im gonna feel tommorow when i wake up or maybe later tonight. Im just so damn sick of feeling sad and down only glimmer of hope that it will be over soon makes me ecstatic

 

I'm so impressed with you, going paintballing! (Mind you, getting hit on the asscheek at close range is enough to make me bawl - least you can cover it up, I guess, if you get wobbly out 'in the field'!)

 

My depression went into anger. It was such a comforting place (in comparison to the depression) that I didn't want to leave! (Hung about there for two months!) I think you're right to do this. When you have worked it out, you will forgive yourself (and her) so don't worry about it and use it as a tool, as you are.

 

You WILL spiral around and around for a while. You will hit all sorts of highs and lows but, each time, you will get a little higher. You have already lifted from the base of the eye of this twister. The only way is up, really.

 

Take care, keep posting. You will survive this. I'm proud of you! x

[Ultiman]

I'm so impressed with you, going paintballing! (Mind you, getting hit on the asscheek at close range is enough to make me bawl - least you can cover it up, I guess, if you get wobbly out 'in the field'!)

 

My depression went into anger. It was such a comforting place (in comparison to the depression) that I didn't want to leave! (Hung about there for two months!) I think you're right to do this. When you have worked it out, you will forgive yourself (and her) so don't worry about it and use it as a tool, as you are.

 

You WILL spiral around and around for a while. You will hit all sorts of highs and lows but, each time, you will get a little higher. You have already lifted from the base of the eye of this twister. The only way is up, really.

 

Take care, keep posting. You will survive this. I'm proud of you! x

 

Lmao it doesnt really hurt that much. Got shot in the finger skin contact that was kinda painful. Funny feeling that physical pain of getting shot i have found it to be another coping mechanism for my emotional distress. Today I had another hard cry this morning; The mornings are tough especially when i wake up from dreaming of her at 7:30am by myself. Ive never awakened that early by myself ever. But as the day goes by I begin to do things for myself that make me feel so much better. Today i cleaned out my car and vacuumed it, worked out, applied to a couple of jobs and now im going to take a test to hopefully get a job with the US census bureau. I wrote her a letter this morning, it was a poetic love letter other than that im going on 4 days nc and feeling a lil better each and every day.

[mickleb]

You doing great!

 

Did you post the letter? (It can sometimes help just to write it.) x

[Ultiman]

You doing great!

 

Did you post the letter? (It can sometimes help just to write it.) x

 

Yea i sent it to her through the mail here it is....

 

It hurts

 

I wake every morning

Seven thirty on the dot

I wake up mourning

The life you seem to have forgot

God how much I miss you

God can only see

it seems like you have no clue

the pain inside of me

I want to get over this

and move on with my life

But all I think of is that kiss

My heart is stabbed with a knife

I wish I can just erase

The love I had for with you

I wish I can just chase

The pain its like the flu

I’m sorry for what ive done

Its true you know what they say

You appreciate that special one

Once its gone its own way

 

 

I love you so much and I will fight

will you come home and stop this pain tonight.