Dexter Morgan Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Since I believe love isn't suppose to hurt, my answer would be no. But to a cheater, whose personal needs outweigh all others, I must assume there answer to be a resounding yes. Otherwise, why would their "love" hurt so many people:BS, OW/OM, kids? very well put!!!!
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Yes, you can. I am married and had an affair with a married man. What some people don't understand is that some people have affairs mainly because of what's missing INSIDE themselves, not always their marriage. My marriage isn't great, but I do love my H (though I would agree, not "in love" with him). I did love my xAP. I for one do believe you can love two people at the same time. Not in the same way for both, but you can. You have just warped your definition of love to fit your situation. Fact is that you can't love two people at once like that. If you truly love someone, you would do things for their benefit not yours! Love... the real thing... is not selfish.
bluestraps Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 This is a yes and no awnser. I have much experence with this situation. I am 37 my ex is 33. My ex is a serial cheater. If you are in love/ love someone you dont cheat . Right!!!! How can we ever know what the other person feels. There could be a number of reasons why someone cheats. They are not getting satisfied in their relationship. Some people have strong sexual needs. Some have no morals. What does in love or love mean I think its the same thing. If you are with a person and you dont want to hurt them you would not cheat. If you want to move on you would break up and then do whatever you want. Some people want to hold on and cheat and then go back to the relationship. Some may be not sure they want out. My girlfriend cheated on me 4 times because she felt something missing. We were togther for 10 years. My case is complicated. She has depression. The symptoms: loss of interest in things you once liked doing sadness, Loss of self worth. Ect.. There were times she may have felt unappreciated by me or felt not pretty enough . She was teased and made fun of as a kid in grade, middle school and high school.. I live with my parents she lived with her mom so we had a problem with just having a place to have intimate time togther, not just for sex but just for spending time togther. We had fun going places. We had mutual friends. We were "in love" we had a conection. It was always something I did wrong. I would'nt, except for some ocassions call her honey or sweety or babe. She had a problem with that. I never mistreated her . She knew I loved her I always told her. She would always say "no one can love me like you" which I felt was true. But every couple of years she would stray. Looking he wanted to get married We would alwqays talk about it and I wasnt ready quite yet. She was easily swayed by someone elses attention. Why did we stay togther for so long? I kept taking her back. These other guys used her. And she knew it For thoes of you who know who Don Henley is , He has a song called "Not Enough Love in the World". This song could basicaly apply to some cheaters. You can do everything for someone but in the end its not enough. So It depends. I may have felt that I was missing something And I was not totaly happy with her all the time but ,I would never cheat. I was In Love But to this day I am not sure what it means Its like the puzzle where you put the peices togther and the last one or two are missing and the puzzle is never whole. There could be many reasons . My relationship failed because of bad communication. What a shame.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 the only way i think someone can love 2 people at the same time is if that person is completely selfish and self-absorbed. And such a person needs to be dumped by those 2 people.
Klassywife Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Remember cheating is about what is broken in THEM. They don't love themselves so how can they love the BS.
jayboy Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Remember cheating is about what is broken in THEM. They don't love themselves so how can they love the BS. I feel this is a very good point.
torranceshipman Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Yes, you can. I am married and had an affair with a married man. What some people don't understand is that some people have affairs mainly because of what's missing INSIDE themselves, not always their marriage. My marriage isn't great, but I do love my H (though I would agree, not "in love" with him). I did love my xAP. I for one do believe you can love two people at the same time. Not in the same way for both, but you can. I really do agree with this post...what's missing inside a cheater is the ability to respect their significant other. I also agree that it is because the cheater loves, but is no longer in love, with their partner, and again, something missing wthin themselves makes them choose selfish choices (staying and also playing away) rather than facing the hard choices that being honest can bring. Also some people are so desperate for external validation that they will mess up a great R because they need to feel like they can still attract other people, etc...or are missing other things within themselves, such as maturity, that totally clouds their judgement and makes them act in a stupid way that they might later regret.
missmay Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Sure, yes. I believe my cheating H is head over heels in love with me. But you know, its relative. He is as in love with me as he is capable of being. Its his personal full capacity. Its not enough to stop him from cheating, its not enough for me, and its not as much as he loves himself. Or some crap like that. I agree with this line of thinking. Love is a matter of capacity. One offers love in different ways throughout their lifetime depending on what level of emotional and psychological maturity they have reached. Flawed people extend flawed love. Selfish people extend selfish love......etc.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 I believe a ONS can be possible. An LTA is quite a reach to claim they are in 'love'.
clv0116 Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Sure, it happens all the time. Sometimes the affair is to get something specific that they can't get 'at home', and it doesn't mean they don't still love the other one.
threebyfate Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Simple question - If they cheat on you, can they still be in love with you?I've put a lot of thought into this for the past three years and have drawn the conclusion that sure, they can love you but ultimately, it's that they love themselves far more.
clv0116 Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 I believe a ONS can be possible. An LTA is quite a reach to claim they are in 'love'. Can a polygamist love all his wives?
Bryanp Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Based on your previous post about what your wife did with her boss it is ludicrous to even ask the question.
michelangelo Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 I think they can love you and care for you, but if they are 'in love' with you? That passionate 'I must have you and be with you 24/7' sort of thing that you feel when you are first together? Nah. That is the sort of consuming thing that has no room for anyone but the two people infatuated with each other. That is why you hear the old "love you but not in love with you" thing. It means that you are their security, their home base, but they are having sex with someone else. It has taken me a long, long time to get to the point where I realize this is how my wife was. Even though that is not where I was. Makes me endlessly sad. But I agree.
realworldexplorer Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 You may love your spouse when you have an affair but your not "in love" with them as so many cheaters will attest. You reserve this in-loveness for your lover who only has to show up once in a while with his/her good side and good intentions well polished. Love is very easy in this stage of a new relationship, romance is intoxicating and highly addictive. Romantics will seek this out at any cost (and the cost is usually very high!). But to compare a LTR or marriage to an illicit PA is very foolish indeed and extremely unfair. Every case has its own peculiar circumstances so it is hard to generalize. The ironic thing is that this new romantic love may turn into the grind and struggle of a LTR later on only there won't be anything left to get them through the sometimes harsh realities of normal day to day existence because everthing (trust, integrity, selflessness) and everybody (family, friends,colleagues) have been sacrificed to this all consuming and important new love. You may think that you love your spouse still while you are in the self deception of an affair but you are anything but loving.
michelangelo Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 You may think that you love your spouse still while you are in the self deception of an affair but you are anything but loving. These words should be seared onto a cheating spouse's brain somehow.
tryagaintoday Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 These words should be seared onto a cheating spouse's brain somehow. Exactly! I read this post before and was trying to find it again. Has been trying to fit them into one of my songs but everytime I try singing it, I choked....
mandydarling Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 Im not even sure where to start. It all does boil down to your definition of love. Does anyone ever always feel the warm gushy feelings of love towards another human being throughout their lives together? no, of course not. In many ways, the kind of love that makes a marriage last, indicates an active willingness to stay even during those phases when "you've lost that loving feeling." One inappropriate act is wrong -- and you would be betraying your committment while performing that act -- but does that automatically form your entirety of life with your partner? Let's say you are on a diet. And you eat cake. And feel horribly guilty. Do you give up? Keep eating cake daily? Gain weight? OF COURSE NOT!! You renew your committment to your diet and move on. Love is forgiving, patient, kind and knows no bounds. Don't forget, while some of you are pointing those accusing hurt fingers at the person who had the affair, that definition of love applies to you too. Will you show love to that person, or throw them to the side? Dont get me wrong -- there are people who are selfish -- who will continue an affair -- no matter how it is affecting their spouse. People who just really dont have it in them to properly love someone. But that is not everyone. Look at your partner, and evaluate whether you want to show them love and attempt to salvage your relationship.
Spark1111 Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 For me, love does not hurt another. Love supports, uplifts and sacrifices for the well-being of another. Love is respectful! There is nothing more disrespectful than an affair. "In love," is that heady rush of hormonal infatuation lasting between 6 months to 2 years. So, if one defines that particular feeling as true love, one is doomed to change partners every 2 years.
2sure Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I think its completely possible to be hurt/betrayed/cheated on by someone who loves you. A spouse, a family member, any loved one. I mean, if they were not people who loved you...it wouldnt hurt. If they were not someone who you knew loved you...it wouldnt be a betrayal, it wouldnt be complicated, it wouldnt be confusing.
Snowflower Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 I think its completely possible to be hurt/betrayed/cheated on by someone who loves you. A spouse, a family member, any loved one. I mean, if they were not people who loved you...it wouldnt hurt. If they were not someone who you knew loved you...it wouldnt be a betrayal, it wouldnt be complicated, it wouldnt be confusing. This is interesting and I think I agree, 2sure. I have seen this IRL...a marriage that is completely over, there is no love (except maybe platonic) between the spouses, however the spouses are still living together. One or the other ends up having an affair and it is like there is this 'oh well, whatever' attitude. It got the divorce going in many cases but there was no sense of betrayal because the real love and commitment was gone long before. It's much worse when the WS loves you yet still betrays you. I think it is too simplistic to think "if this...then not that" in real life.
vanillabeach Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Simple question - If they cheat on you, can they still be in love with you? they can maybe still love you but definitely not respect you, sorry how did he cheat?
on1wheel Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 You already know the answer; whether you're the cheater or the betrayed. It is impossible to be "in-love" with someone, then cheat. If you're truly "in-love" then th other persons wants/needs are even more important than your own. I don't know anyone that wants/needs to be betrayed & humiliated BTW. Cheaters are selfish cockroaches that only care about themselves. True love is selfless. I know of what I speak. Good luck.
Leonard Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 (edited) Can a polygamist love all his wives? Can a parent love all 3 of his/her children? (Of course, I'm skewing the argument. I'm a believer in monogamy, however I'm simply repeating a phrase told to me by someone which I have a difficult time finding an answer to) Edited December 20, 2009 by Leonard
Woggle Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 You don't love somebody if you betray them. Betrayal is the worst thing you can do to somebody and cheating falls under this umbrella.
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