Doing whats best for "us"

[jj33]

Just a cautionary tale.

 

When I was with xMM I make many decisions based on what was best for "us". We spent a considerable amount of time together (practically lived together M-F) and it was easy and natural to make decisions taking him into account.

 

He was very good to me and never did anything that was against my interests, but his decisions were made with different considerations in mind.

 

Now on the one hand I appreciate that he was legally married to someone else, so to a degree his decisions had to be made on a different basis.

 

However what I had not appreciated was that MY decisions should NOT have taken into account what was best for "us" they should have been based on what was best for ME.

 

Unless and until he divorced (never happened) I should not have made "our future" a factor in my decisions.

 

At the time, I needed to believe, I read some of the things posted by others and all I can say is dont do it, dont base your life on what a married person may or may not do in the future.

 

Its something that I am still sorting out.

[Alpha Female]

Yes this is very true.

 

With my ex-MM, he was planning a future with me, but I didnt change one aspect of my life to accommodate that. He was basically puzzle-piecing in around my life. I think I knew all along he would punk out.

[DiDi123]

This is the tough part. When my MM talks about next spring and golf season or other things he wants to do in the future makes me hopeful. Yet on the other hand we can never "really" realistically make plans because he is still married.

 

This is my first MM which is why my lines get confusing. I, here on LS have gotten called out on the fact that I have to keep remembering he isn't single and this isn't a regular dating situation which is why I have trouble understanding this whole affair. I am thinking he is single and gearing my thoughts to why won't he do this? Or why can't he do that? and its because he's married and not single. Duh (directed at myself)

 

After reading so many things here I am finally beginning to understand this. I think that I was so hurt and upset a few weeks ago because I was in the "mindset" that MM was not married and treating this as someone I was dating who was single because that is the only type of relationship that I normally am involved in.

 

I also slipped into the "making myself available" for him mode. I clearly now (looking back) rearranged MY life and plans to when he was available. This was a little easier for me because I was home for 7 weeks recovery from surgery (I could barely walk so where was I going? lol). Now I am back to work and had some time to think about things and will not do this anymore. I didn't answer when he called last night upon arriving home from Florida - because I was tired and honestly just didn't feel like seeing him.

 

I am also "busy" today and tomorrow morning am going to the gym and then my girlfriend & I are going to an IMAX show & lunch tomorrow- so I'm busy all day tomorrow also. Too bad.

 

I can't ever again let someone have more "power" over me than I have over myself. I just can't. And if this situation doesn't work out for me then it doesn't. Will I cry? yes. Will I be incredibly hurt? yes. But I have to maintain some sense of dignity and control over me and what's best for ME. Because my life is about ME- not him.

 

Gosh I sound like a bee-atch? huh, lol.

 

Someone had posted something like "Come on a 33 year relationship vs a 4 month one and you think he's going to leave her for you?"- My response is that he wouldn't be leaving a 33 year marriage FOR me- he would be leaving it because it was his decision and he's miserable.

 

Alpha- you didn't rearrange anything for him? wow. How did he feel puzzle-piecing himself in and around your life? I wonder why he would go so far with you and then not be able to pull the trigger so to speak? I mean, I just don't understand- and if I remember correctly it was 1 week before that he told you? How are you managing? Does he still call? (sorry if you have already posted about this) Do you still see him? If you do how do you contain your bitterness? or anger? or sadness?

[jj33]

Di you seriously expected it to be like a normal dating relationship even tho he was married?

 

The reason they will fit themselves into your time schedule is because they are getting something from the relatoinship too. And if I may generalize here most people dont value something that is handed to them on a plate, ready and waiting whenever they are free. You have to get past this idea that people cheat because they are looking for a new spouse. They dont.

 

People who are looking for a new spouse, divorce. People who cheat may in a small number of cases divorce but an A is not typically the launching pad.

[DiDi123]

jj-

So, in a nutshell yes.

Your right,

Your right and

Your right.

I did think it would be like a normal relationship. Delusional, I know that now. Because he was treating me as if we were in a normal relationship. I wouldn't have slept with a guy or allowed him to stay over for the first few months so him not doing that was ok in the beginning. It was when we started having sex when it hit me. I was rushing home from work to "wait and see" if he called and was coming over for a few hours instead of me going to the gym or going to a movie or whatever. And your right about people not valueing something that's handed to them on a plate- And your right (again) about me having to get PAST this idea.

*BIG SIGH*

I know I'm an idiot- but I try think that I am a "smarter" idiot if there is such a thing, lol.

The important thing right now for me is not to dwell on what I have already done, but what I can from this point forward that's best for me.

I can't honestly say I can continue this A because I don't think I can handle him leaving "right after".

For now I am doing what works for me- which is making plans and doing things without him as if he doesn't exist. So far I've been able to ignore his calls and am busy next week everynight and lots of family are flying in for my niece's bat-mitzvah next weekend so although this will come to a head eventually I won't have to realistically deal with him at the earliest for another week and a half. The longer I go without seeing or speaking to him the better for me to try and break away. And better for him to realize that I am not his doormat "ready, eager and willing".

[learnfrommymistakes]

DiDi

Good luck and yes it is always hard to see outside of the situation that we are so intimately involved with. Some women wait 5, 10 15 years, have affairs that last longer than marriages....so the eariler you realize this is probably not healthy or safe, or whatever words may fit, the better. I am not judging you, and I am sorry you are hurting from this situation. Can I ask, how is it that you see him so much or saw him so much, does he travel lot or does his wife? How did u end up with him in the first place?

 

All I can is I came on this list over a year ago I think, or perhaps a year ago, for other reasons...and I stayed only a short time. I was shocked by all the stuff I read and said..WELL that does not apply to me, my guy is different, he and his wife are like roomates, they drifted apart after 30 years, and all the usual suspect lines.

 

What really surprised me was not that, it was that all of these women, OW seemed to have very similar intense, real, and unique feelings abt their MM, and each situation seemed like the MM was actually wildly in love with the OM here. I was so naive thinking my situation was so different, because I am not naive, I dated hundreds of men in my life, well a lot, and I never had to really hunt for a mans attention (NOT at all being cocky, I am not....) I am just saying dating and attention was not hard to find..and I dated very kind and generous men. SO I thought that there was no way my situation was the same as all the other OW...and YET what I did come to find, and finally admit, is that the situations often carry a similar thread...and many smart, bright, decent women with a lot to offer, find themselves in the throws of an affair.

 

To us as individuals, it feels utterly unique ..mindblowing, passionate, sureal or whatever it feels to be these taken men we love...but stay here long enough, and you see some hard truths. I learn them everyday, especially lately.

 

Do I think some MM really love the OW, yes, and some MM are good men, and cheat. BUT we need to take off the rose colored glasses and stop excusing their behavior to us and to their wives, and not keep letting these men put us second and take what they want, on their terms, and walk away in a second or ignore us or whatever at any time because it is not a good time for them.

 

NO F-ing wonder these MM think the OW are great, we serve all the needs and holes (the missing needs and holes) that a marriage may not fulfill. We give them attention, sex, our hearts, an ear to lend, and they dont have to live with us and have a real relationship.

 

I guarantee that more often than not, if these men committed to the OW, and lived with them, then the OW would eventually become what the spouse was, they would have their own set of issues, challenges, fights, and the whole dynamic would change. Most often...it would never work anyway. Most of these MM who cheat want the fantasy that everything will stay the same with the OW, and that he wont have to have the same issues and responsibilities and problems, cause he is not coming home to you...yet....

 

does that make sense...we like what we cant really have, and once it becomes ours for good, its a whole other story...the challenge and intoxication is fun, the reality often is not

 

HUGS to you, stay strong, go out, enjoy life. NO man or women is worth ruining your life over, its YOUR LIFE

 

hugs

lfmm

[jj33]

Di I didnt mean to ridicule you - I also expected certain things that were like what you would expect from a single man.

 

The whole situation sucks. I dont know how else to put it.

[NowhereToHide]

I never once did what was best for ME during my affair. I was always putting his needs before my own. I look back now at who I was, at how I behaved and I am embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I don't even know who that woman was. I think that's been one of the hardest things for me to let go of... all of the thoughts of what I SHOULD have done or what I SHOULD have said.

 

Affairs create an environment that is so highly charged, so desperate all the time. You exist in a vacuum of a tiny world where you force yourself to ignore any and all realities to maintain what you have. And the actual ACT of maintaining the affair sometimes takes over everything and you can't remember the reason why you were in it to begin with.

 

At least I know now what I'm worthy of.... and I now know without a doubt that HE (my xAP) was never worthy of me.

[DiDi123]

First- jj- I didn't think you ridiculed me...I was trying to inject some humor and humility in at my own expense! Because I feel like such a idiot, lol. ((hugs & smiles))

 

LFMM- "Can I ask, how is it that you see him so much or saw him so much, does he travel lot or does his wife? How did u end up with him in the first place?"

 

We met playing golf - I was golfing with my girlfriend and he was part of a foursome ahead of us (2 guys cancelled) so we ended up with them. We all had a great round of golf and played again the four of us and then just the 2 of us went one Monday that I had scheduled off in July.

 

So, bear me with as I type this. Remember that my mind set was that this was a new guy I met, liked and played golf with me, and we had a great time together. I didn't "see" him as married even though I knew he was. In my delusional mind he was single and doing everything that a single guy would do when he was interested in someone. Calling me, picking me up, taking me to dinner, doing things around my house for me, bringing me little gifts, calling me during the day and asking what groceries I needed (the first time he did this I thought it was the sweetest thing-who goes grocery shopping for someone else?? anyway he put everything in a cooler and left it on my front porch)- you know just doing and saying all the right things. Lots of hugs and kisses. I honestly never gave his marriage really any thought at first and believed him (parts of me still believe most of what he said) about doing nothing with his wife and her not having any interest in what he did AT ALL. After all, how could he golf with me all day on Saturdays and Sundays if she expected him to do things with her? They led separate lives- and even on most of the Saturdays that I did not golf with him (I have a standing tee time w/the ladies every Saturday unless everyone can't make it) he would call in the afternoon and come over and tell me where he went kayaking or hiking and we would discuss my golf game of the day.

 

This was all while I was cooking lots of things for the week for my 95 year old grandmother that I spend every Saturday night with (until about 8-9PM). Because of the surgery and that I just started driving last week I wasn't up to going tonight which is why I am home. So anyway he treated our relationship as if we were a newly dating couple.

 

His wife doesn't travel. From what he says they barely speak and will go for days without talking. He just got into the habit of coming over - OH and he only lives about 5 minutes (or less) away. The other reason I also have seen him so much was because of my surgery on September 9th. The last week of August I was bleeding really heavy and the pelvic pain became unbearable so I called my Doc- who got me in and told me at this point it I needed to have a hysterectomy asap. I had been putting this off for years in hopes of having a child. The fibroids were taking over my body (basically imagine a "fruit bowl" of 1 canteloupe, several grapefruits, oranges, etc) and now my urine was backing up and I was at risk for kidney failure. Did I wait too long? yes. But I wanted to wait as long as I could and just ignored the pain. I have run marathons and am accustomed to just working through pain so I thought I could do the same with this.

 

Anyway- the point is that he was super supportive and even drove me to the hospital the morning of (we met my folks there) and was there when I woke up and was at the hospital every day with me. I went to my folks from there for 2 weeks and he came to see me everyday. After I got home he was right there for me. In the morning, afternoon and early evening taking care of me. Not all day everyday of course but at least once a day. That time we spent together was so precious. And it wasn't about sex (couldn't do that) but he would spend hours with me, even if I was sleeping just laying next to me- rubbing my arms, helping me shower, putting lotion on me, just the sweetest things. I mean who does these things? I never had anyone ever be there for me like he has been.

 

But I did start to get this nagging feeling about him having to leave in the early evening- and he would leave then get home and IM me. But during this time I was still on pain meds and not really feeling well so I was sleeping a lot and let it go.

 

There were a few nights he did stay over and I didn't question it. I was just grateful he was staying there all night with me. He did introduce me to a few of his close friends and his brother who have been nothing but nice to me. They constantly thank me for making him smile and laugh and be happy- something they haven't seen in 10 or more years. So I don't know what to think. Could this be real?

 

Sorry for the long post but we have spent SO much time together during my recovery doing all the regular things people do in everyday life and while they weren't the most pleasant tasks (he says I'm the supervisor because I couldn't lift anything I was always telling him how I usually do things - like put the patio furniture away and how I clean it, lol....to which he would reply- yes Boss) He did get to a point where he would start telling him he heard the phone ringing- making me get back in the house only to realize it wasn't ringing...lol...we would laugh about that a lot.

 

Is it still ok to be hopeful? What do you guys think?

Thanks for listening (((hugs))

[Alpha Female]

Alpha- you didn't rearrange anything for him? wow. How did he feel puzzle-piecing himself in and around your life? I wonder why he would go so far with you and then not be able to pull the trigger so to speak? I mean, I just don't understand- and if I remember correctly it was 1 week before that he told you? How are you managing? Does he still call? (sorry if you have already posted about this) Do you still see him? If you do how do you contain your bitterness? or anger? or sadness?

 

Well I honestly did make some drawer and closet space for him, which he knew, but beyond that, not a thing. He was moving into my home and not bringing anything besides his clothes. He was going to get the single side of the garage for his truck, while I would still claim the double side for my one car. Beyond that, I wasnt changing anything else in my life for him to move in. Maybe I always knew deep down he wouldnt come, or maybe I wanted to see how we worked out living together before I started making more changes for him.

 

I think he went as far as he did because he really and truly wanted to believe within himself that he was capable of doing this. I think he really loves me, and wanted to think he was able to leave his unhappy M and pursue a better life for himself. He wanted to believe in himself for the first time.

 

Yes, it was last weekend that I confronted him on his recent behavior of pulling away a bit, while still professing his love and intention to move in this weekend.

 

How am I? Doing really well, actually. I raged on him last week and told him everything I wanted to. My rage was really about being so angry at him for swearing and promising wed be together. If he never led me on and we just ended because I wanted more and he wasnt going to leave his W, I would have been sad, but not as pissed as I was for the lying. Im over it, though. I purged it, and released it.

 

Now, Im just sad and lonely, and tired at the thought of starting over again.

 

And I dont contain emotions, DiDi. I believe in getting them out so they dont fester. Highly recommend it. ha ha

 

As far as the OP, my x-MM kept telling me for the last two weeks before we split that all the times he was not texting back or calling, it was the best "for us" as he claimed he wanted to make a clean break without his W finding out about me and the affair. That was the only thing he ever did that he passed off as being in "our best interest" even though he knew it was eating me alive to suddenly not have him as available as he once was. Who knows. Maybe he was telling the truth, or maybe it was BS. Irrelevant now.

 

And I hope to not see him again. I have taken steps in the last few days to ensure we wont run into each other in the usual places we would go before we even met. I just think it will help me heal easier to not run into him at the coffee shop, or gas station, or fitness center.

[learnfrommymistakes]

DiDi

Hugs

WOW what a hell of a story, man oh man. I really had no idea till I came here to LS and even more recently, hearing others stories, maybe its Fallen Angel, I cant recall, but several of you have these very real, very time intense relationships...and I cant imagine how hard that is. It never dawned on me that MM have these affairs where they see the OW all the time, like a regular relationship and they go out in public as a couple, and do domestic things etc. I had no idea really.

 

So first of all, HUGS HUGS HUGS and I am so very sorry about your surgery, so sorry, it sounds horribly painful and upsetting. I hope you are recovering well. ((MORE HUGS))

 

I can understand why you feel the way you do for this man, he sure sounds wonderful and attentive and there for you...in so many ways. I dont have advice here because I never want to be the OW telling an OW i hope the MM divorces because I think that is hurtful to betrayed spouses to sort of ROOT for the Ow. I have a huge heart and even tho some wives and husband suck as spouses and i can see why they end up in affairs with others, I dont wish pain on another human....and know divorce is hard, and knowing you were cheated on, yuk...BUT have no fear, support is here too...lol. I do hope that things work out for you the way you want, and that you dont get hurt. You sound like you are in a vulnerable place and I just hope you protect your heart...who knows what is really going on with your MM, over at his house, so make sure you have a back up plan, and try and protect your heart as much as possible. Somehting I was not good at...

 

I think being hopeful is fine, as long as you know it might not go your way. It is so hard to imagine that a man, this man, would treat you as he does, introduce you to friends/family, bring you into his world, be at the hospital etc etc just for good sex or to cheat....so who knows, he sounds like a man who is very much there, but i know others on this site may have similar situations and they would know better than I abt this type of thing. I only saw my xmm once a year, and that was brutal, to have that connection for so long, so intense, never ending, always hungry for the other, and only see eachother once a year. we only had three dates before it became a long distance relationship for 6 years...1st separated, when we met, had moved out, then moved back, then 5 years later, separated, now divorced only a month or so...and boy it still is a crazy wreck....and just as complicated really. distance...is a bitch

 

hang in there sweetie, feel better and take good care of you...always

((HUGS))

lfmm

[Alpha Female]

MM have these affairs where they see the OW all the time, like a regular relationship and they go out in public as a couple, and do domestic things etc. I had no idea really.

 

Oh for sure! My x-MM would run all kinds of errands with me - Home Depot, food shopping, he would do work around my house, we would go out for lunch, we would cuddle, watch movies, he would make me breakfast, I would cook him dinner, he knew to always wipe the glass shower enclosure doors down when he was done - ha ha. We saw each other every day, multiple times per day.

 

Yes, just like a normal dating relationship, minus him being married part.

[DiDi123]

Thanks so much for the support & hugs....

So many posts say look at his actions- well his actions have been for the most part wonderful.

Alpha- My hearts is heavy for you. Did your family know about him? Do you have friends that knew he was married and what you are going through that can help?

Lfmm- once a year? wow how did you manage to wait for so long to see him between visits? How did the divorce go for him?

 

Well- I have one more thing I neglected to mention......as you know I am going through this NC thing in my mind and ignoring his calls (well 1 from last night and 1 from today- just not ready to talk to him plus I know he has to get the boat out of the water and do some other things) ANYWAY.......

 

Please don't blast me, but I have to tell you guys something....

Well, so this is the thing.....he has keys to my house. When I recovering there was no way I could make it out of bed and downstairs to open the door so it was just sort of natural that I gave him a set.

 

I'm not worried about him doing anything destructive, but if I am going to end this I do need to ask for my keys back......right? Unless I change the locks I guess....I knid of like when he would come over and I was sleeping- he would just come upstairs and crawl into bed with me and wait until I woke up. It was so comforting to snuggle all the time.

 

Gosh I do miss him.......

 

lfmm- yes the surgery was the most awful thing I have ever been through. Had to do abdominal incision- 10 inches...somehow my uterus was enormous from the fibroids and was just pushing everything else in me around- causing other "plumbing" to not work correctly, yuk I know. But everything is working well now and I have given away all the tampax & pads! Nice not to have to deal with that every again. Anyway I just started driving last week and going to work and find I am pretty tired. I know my emotions are out of whack with the surgery too.....so I'm trying to get myself back together. It has been the most frustrating and humiliating I've been through.

 

Not being active for almost 2 months was something I could never have imagined. And through all that he was right there- I was a mess the first 4-5 weeks - I thought I looked ugly with my huge scar which he would take care of and kiss gently.

He was so unbelievably patient with me.

 

Thanks so much for your thoughts...

((hugs))

[Alpha Female]

I do need to ask for my keys back......right? Unless I change the locks I guess...

 

I dont see the point in asking him for keys back. Its really just an excuse to engage with him.

 

I mean, if your not worried about him doing something to your house, then why ask for the keys back? Even if you ask for them back, he could still make another set anyhow.

 

It all sucks so much, doesnt it? But Im really proud of you for making the decision to go NC with him. Well done.

 

To answer your question - yes my parents know him, and yes, I have friends who knew he is married. Unfortunately, they seem to think my pain isnt real or allowable since he was married and I should have known better, so I cant really go there with them.

[DiDi123]

Well in my mind I'm NC, I haven't actually told him yet.....

So that's not really NC, right?

 

All I know is that I can't talk to him right now.

 

Alpha- do your folks like him? do they know he's married? Mine know him and just love him but don't know he's married.

[fooled once]

Is there an update to this???

[hopeless4u]

DiDi

 

 

I was shocked by all the stuff I read and said..WELL that does not apply to me, my guy is different, he and his wife are like roomates, they drifted apart after 30 years, and all the usual suspect lines.

 

What really surprised me was not that, it was that all of these women, OW seemed to have very similar intense, real, and unique feelings abt their MM, and each situation seemed like the MM was actually wildly in love with the OM here. I was so naive thinking my situation was so different, because I am not naive, I dated hundreds of men in my life, well a lot, and I never had to really hunt for a mans attention (NOT at all being cocky, I am not....) I am just saying dating and attention was not hard to find..and I dated very kind and generous men. SO I thought that there was no way my situation was the same as all the other OW...and YET what I did come to find, and finally admit, is that the situations often carry a similar thread...and many smart, bright, decent women with a lot to offer, find themselves in the throws of an affair.

 

To us as individuals, it feels utterly unique ..mindblowing, passionate, sureal or whatever it feels to be these taken men we love...but stay here long enough, and you see some hard truths. I learn them everyday, especially lately.

 

Do I think some MM really love the OW, yes, and some MM are good men, and cheat. BUT we need to take off the rose colored glasses and stop excusing their behavior to us and to their wives, and not keep letting these men put us second and take what they want, on their terms, and walk away in a second or ignore us or whatever at any time because it is not a good time for them.

 

NO F-ing wonder these MM think the OW are great, we serve all the needs and holes (the missing needs and holes) that a marriage may not fulfill. We give them attention, sex, our hearts, an ear to lend, and they dont have to live with us and have a real relationship.

 

I guarantee that more often than not, if these men committed to the OW, and lived with them, then the OW would eventually become what the spouse was, they would have their own set of issues, challenges, fights, and the whole dynamic would change. Most often...it would never work anyway. Most of these MM who cheat want the fantasy that everything will stay the same with the OW, and that he wont have to have the same issues and responsibilities and problems, cause he is not coming home to you...yet....

 

lfmm

 

Couldn't agree more!!!

 

I'm still with my MM and 2yrs he's still M! I'm getting stronger and have started making plans without thinking of him 1st, not many I may add but its a start....small steps;)

 

Reading what you have written has given me an extra kick up the backside to stay strong, Thank You!! xx