accemoidua Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 (edited) Hello, I've been reading on this forum for a quite some time and decided that after ending this with a narcissist just days ago i could really use some support. Background: My ex and i were together for a year and a half. He was extremely charming and came on quite strong. He wanted to be around me 24/7 and i found it to be quite adorable. He brought me around his family, friends, etc. Took me everywhere he went. We were inseperable. I own my own home, have a great job making good money, recently finished school and was pursuing a singing career when i met him. He was in between jobs (still is), living in a room at his aunts for 5 years (now going on 7), and didn't really have much going on except dreams of becoming better. A red flag, i know but i gave him the benefit of the doubt. Although we eventually stayed together every single night, he didn't want to move in with me, so we went back and forth between my house and staying in his room?!? Now for the real drama: Continued to sleep with his ex-girlfriend of 3 years throughout our entire relationship. When we met, he told me had no kids. 2 months in i found out he had a 6 month old with his HS sweetheart living in SC. I stayed through all of this because he kept promising change and that he loved me. Last year and 2 days before christmas I found out that his HS sweetheart gave birth to yet another son by him...WHOA! Devastated wasn't the word. But his charm and convincing me that he only wanted me and we could "get through anything" made me stay (not to mention a total lack of self-esteem on my part). More drama, the family loved the ex who is a doctor, so they invited her to every family function. So not only did i have to deal with the lies and cheating, but it was also being thrown in my face by having the ex he cheated with at the family gatherings. He rents a room with his aunt and was close with the family, so him not attending (as he put it) wasn't an option. I was crushed. He had also been secretly promising the mother of his children that he had planned to leave me and move there with her so that they could be a family. She eventually got a hold of my email address and forwarded all of the texts they had going back and forth. I couldn't believe some of the things he was saying. To make matters worse, after installing a program on his computer i found out that he was talking to all these women on all different types of websites. He never posted pics of us on his myspace/fb, and i had to ask him to update his sites from single to in a relationship. He still doesn't acknowledge his children to anyone, and he doesn't take care of them. OK, so i know what you're all thinking...LOSER! Problem is even after EVERYTHING this man put me through i really did love him. He actually made me feel like i needed him and that i was making a big mistake had i left him. Everyone thinks hes such a great guy. He's a really big charmer. After trying to break things off with this man now almost every week for the past 2 months, he finally breaks up with "me" 2 weeks ago saying that i was too emotional and i couldn't get over things. Of course he's contacted me to try to work things out. He's called, texted, emailed me, contacted my friends, etc. All to the effect that he really loves me and if we could get past all the other stuff we could get past this. I almost fell for it but when i went to check his fb page 2 days ago, he was already in a relationship with a girl who he was flirting with while we were together. I immediately texted him what i saw and told him not to contact me ever again, that to act like i didn't exist. I blocked him from contacting me in every way. It's been 2 days no contact. I'm still very much hurt. Another problem is that this guy took tons of money from me. Took him to Jamaica, paid $3k to fix his car and he was supposed to be paying me back. And he was making payments until the last break. He also has my laptop. So i know that the easiest thing for me to get over all this emotional trauma would be cut all communication. But what about the money he owes me? Do i just let that go as well. I'm so upset that i've allowed myself to be used to this extent and for so long. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you! Edited November 7, 2009 by accemoidua
AnthonyMalibu Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 You're obsessed with a guy you DON'T need. Sorry, but that's the way it is. But his charm and convincing me that he only wanted me and we could "get through anything" made me stay You going to let this guy use those three words as a license to do anything he wants, including cheating on you and fathering other children? To make matters worse, after installing a program on his computer i found out that he was talking to all these women on all different types of websites. If you ever get to the point where you have to install spyware on a boyfriend or girlfriend's computer, it's long past time to walk away. PERIOD. STOP accepting his calls. Change your cellphone number. Delete your Facebook account - you don't need it. No, really - you don't. Get past the need to have all these little electronic connections to everyone you know... go out and SEE your friends, instead of 125x125 pixel images of them. You need a fresh start, and you need to ditch this loser. And that's not gonna happen while you're checking to see if you were "blocked" or whether or not he changed his Facebook status hour by hour. Sorry if these aren't the things you want to hear.
2sunny Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 be glad he's gone. forget about the money, you'll never see it. go get your laptop - without saying anything to him. he's a complete douche. YOU allowed him to take advantage of you. find out why. counseling helps. you need a boundary - and quick... otherwise you will choose the same thing again... and put up with it again. ask yourself, why do i feel i don't deserve more than what he offered from a man? you do, just find out why you would have settled for such a loser.
Author accemoidua Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 You're obsessed with a guy you DON'T need. Sorry, but that's the way it is. Yes, i must admit i had an "addiction" to him. He was extremely attractive in everyway and again his charm did not help. I was hooked. You going to let this guy use those three words as a license to do anything he wants, including cheating on you and fathering other children? Not that this is an excuse, but both children were already conceived before he met me. The problem is he failed to mention them to me. No i should not have stayed, but we tend to allow things when we're in love. If you ever get to the point where you have to install spyware on a boyfriend or girlfriend's computer, it's long past time to walk away. PERIOD. Understood. But again where i felt i was looking for a reason to stay, i only found more reasons to leave. STOP accepting his calls. Change your cellphone number. Delete your Facebook account - you don't need it. No, really - you don't. Get past the need to have all these little electronic connections to everyone you know... go out and SEE your friends, instead of 125x125 pixel images of them. I haven't accepted a call from this man since a little over 2 weeks. And it's been 2 days since i've completely blocked all form of contact. You need a fresh start, and you need to ditch this loser. And that's not gonna happen while you're checking to see if you were "blocked" or whether or not he changed his Facebook status hour by hour. I only checked his facebook once since the two week breakup, and that was ONLY because he called himself proposing to me, wanting to move in with me and claiming that he couldn't move on without me. When i found that he had already moved on and was in a relationship already i called him on it, blocked him from EVERY form of contact and haven't tried to contact/check on him since. I know what i need to do to move on, i was just looking for some support and suggestions about the money issue.
Author accemoidua Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 2Sunny, Thanks for the reply. Yes i am glad that he's gone but in a way it still hurts. I am in therapy now and yes i know there is a reason why i've allowed myself to be taken advantage of. My therapist and i have identified those issues and are working on them. Most has to do with 2 drug abusive parents, molestation and rape as a child, codepenency, etc. A lot of issues, been in therapy my whole life and now thanks to him it doesn't seem like i'll be out anytime soon... Going to get the laptop is not an option. I don't want to be anywhere NEAR his house or his family. Not to mention any contact i make with him at this point, where directly or indirectly will only open up the door for him to continue to pursue me (which he hasn't stopped doing yet). Just yesterday he called my best friend and tried to get her to talk to me. She told him to leave me alone and to just walk away. She doesn't think he's going to get it either.
hiscamilla Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Hi accemoudia. First of all - you are doing exactly the rght thing by going NC - if you don't . he will , in no doubt, charm his way back into your affections again. If he is truly Narcissitic, (which he is, by the description of your relationship ) he is impossible to deal with and you have no chance of ever having the depth of relationship you deserve. This type of personality disorder means he is incapbale of true love.He truly does not understand what that emotion is or means. When I read your post, it was like looking in a mirror. I have just come out of a similar relationship and understand how devastating it can be. Mine was living 500 miles away from my business and home and had another woman staying there but of course, they were only friends...she had nowhere else to go .. I've since found out her ex-husband threw her out for having a long term affair with this charmer 3 years ago- she is his 'safety-net' who he keeps dependant on him so as always to have someone to come home to, either to rant and abuse or sweeten up to keep her in a position of confusion and powerlessness and crucially, always there so he is never without a victim to play with...or even more crucially, without Narcissitic supply..The big house he lives in ( an English estate) sounds gorgeous, he told me it was his...but on closer investigation actually belongs to his widowed mother...His business , of course , went to the wall in the recession this June...if it really existed in the first place ( no sign of it on the internet or phone directories).His ex wife , described as a casual friend, met with once or twice a year for old times sake, has this week accompanied him to Scotland on a business trip... just as a friend , according to him but according to her (yup, I've been doing some snooping..), because he wants them to get back together again.So the available, single milionaire businessman with a large estate in South West England is actually a washed -up unemployed man-child living off and with his mother and girlfriend in his old family home...Hmmm.. I could fill a book with the lines he has fed me this year, his constant relationship status changes on Facebook, the lies , the drama, the excuses, the red flags that have been present since the beginning of our 'relationship'. But these guys are extremely convincing and plausible, especially at the beginning of a relationship - did yours seem like 'the Perfect Boyfriend ' for a very short period of time when you first got together? Have you been trying to get that person ( who doesn't really exist ) back, ever since then ? Please stop trying - you won't. Because he doesn't exist.. My only advice is what has helped me a little, tho I am still shattered that a 49 year old astute busnesswoman with a wide circle of good friends and 3 loving grown-up children could be sucked into such a web of lies and deceit for 9 months. This man and I were first loves and re met after 30 years apart- it seemed like fate - the way he described his life fitted in with the sort of background and education we had, so was plausible.Once the abuse and manipulation started, ( round about the 5 month mark, once he had me emotionally hooked), I have read all I can about this disorder and have found comfort in knowing there was nothing I could have done to alter his behaviour. I have also gone NC and blocked his number and e mail. Mine owes me money too-it is only a few hundered £'s so am writing it off. If you can afford to, think about doing the same. As he is unemployed ( same as mine ), you probably won't have much hope of recovering your funds anyway. These people ought to come with a government health warning stamped on their foreheads... Thinking of you and do let us know how you are getting on.
Author accemoidua Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 Hi accemoudia. First of all - you are doing exactly the rght thing by going NC - if you don't . he will , in no doubt, charm his way back into your affections again. If he is truly Narcissitic, (which he is, by the description of your relationship ) he is impossible to deal with and you have no chance of ever having the depth of relationship you deserve. This type of personality disorder means he is incapbale of true love.He truly does not understand what that emotion is or means. Yes, thank you for the encouragement. I know he is all talk, but this is so hard to come to grips with. did yours seem like 'the Perfect Boyfriend ' for a very short period of time when you first got together? Have you been trying to get that person ( who doesn't really exist ) back, ever since then ? Please stop trying - you won't. Because he doesn't exist.. YESSSSS! lol. God yes, but he never came back all the times i took him back left me even more hurt and confused than the last. These people ought to come with a government health warning stamped on their foreheads... LOL, i agree. Thinking of you and do let us know how you are getting on. hiscamilla, thank you for your support and i am sorry that you had to come across the same type of individual. My brain is trying to grasp how he could be so cold and deceitful. He just didn't care at all and i have to admit that doesn't make me feel good. It brings about a hopeless feeling in meeting the right one because any trust that i ever had in anyone is now completely destroyed.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 These people ought to come with a government health warning stamped on their foreheads... That's so funny, but true. Unfortunately, they are master manipulators, they need to build you up and hook you in order to tear you down. They honestly "feel loved" by you putting up with their abuse, and desperately NEED some body or some bodies to fill that role. Honey, the several thousand dollars he owes you is a pittance compared to reclaiming your life. YOU DON"T NEED HIM, he needs you. He doesn't exist without woman like you in his life. Fortunately for him, his lies and sweet talk with land him more. Run and never look back. You'll be a hundred time better for it, and will find real happiness in your life, not one based on his twisted reality. NO ONE can be in a happy "real" relationship with a N. That doesn't exist and never will.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 He just didn't care at all and i have to admit that doesn't make me feel good. He doesn't have the capacity to care about anything other than "his" agenda, which even he doesn't realize how distorted it is. He cannot change, and will continue to ruin the lives of people who can't understand his illness.
gavinus Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 I was with a narcissistic female ex. Walk away. If you think he is pining over you, you are wrong. He has already moved on looking for his next victim. His sense of self entitlement and belief that he is right will never go away. His remorse will be limited and he will almost never have regrets as he will not think about the past. Thank goodness you got out now before any more of your life and time was taken. I know how you feel, its not fair, it sucks, its not right, but you have to let it go. The only way you can beat him is to move on. One more thing, you ultimately win, because you will change from the experience whereas he will never change as he see's no need to, please remember that, please be strong, he has changed your life for the better as he has shown you what you don't want in it, you can do it
GrayClouds Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Recently left a narcissist ex, where do i go from here? Only place but up.
Author accemoidua Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 Having a really hard time today. Going from angry to sad. I feel so emotional. So helpless. God i hope this passes soon. I can't ever remember feeling this lonely...
boomboom63 Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 although it isn't easy the ONLY way to get through this is to move on. You have done this and will surely learn plenty from this. The only way to get "revenge" is to not play their games and live well - it'll drive them crazy. You have made the first steps - well done - now you have to stick to your guns and don't get dragged back in to it - and he will use any method to draw you in - including friends, relatives and whoever he thinks will enable him to use his charm. I love the idea of a health warning stamped on their foreheads - it'll also ruin their looks :laugh: (this is VERY important to them) Take care of yourself because they will try anything, and will promise anything until they tire of the "game" and move on. big hugs and be strong
Author accemoidua Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 Thanks BoomBoom, Really trying to be strong but i can't stop crying. To give so much of yourself to someone and then have to let that all go. Very hard. We spent almost all of our time together. And now all of that time is spent alone
boomboom63 Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 Accemoidua - This is so hard for you - it probably feels like you have invested so much into your relationship with him and there are regrets, maybe a bit of guilt, feelings of love,a sense of "how could i have been so stupid", loneliness - these are very normal for someone who gets out of a relationship with a narcissist. The person that you fell in love with (the charming, attractive super guy) just doesn't exist - he is a fantasy - your fantasy and his fantasy. If he is a narcissist, what he was acting out for you was precisely what he wanted you to see - because in his eyes he wanted you to think he was pretty much perfect. It was an act - narcissist's do not know what it feels like to have strong emotions with another - in their world it is all about them. Narcissists are experts at exploiting you - they are experts at reading what you want and need and then portraying exactly that - until they get what they want and all the while doing what they want in secret. This guy has lied to you on many occasions - and these weren't little lies. It feels like sh#t right now but it will get better - rejoice that you are out of the situation - many of the people here have been through similar things in one way or another and they will all have different views about what you should do but they will all have felt despair, anger, sadness and they are here for you to get support from (hell I was reading LS for nearly a year before i contributed at all, and the support from reading other peoples post was a huge help to me - just to know that I wasn't the only person going through what I was was such a relief) Keep Strong - you are doing well - hugs to ya
gavinus Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 You will heal it takes time. Remember your narcissistic ex fed on your emotional supply! In time your energy levels and self esteem will increase for you. Look online their are dozens of sites telling stories of how people have been hurt by narcissists. Your reaction is normal, read other peoples stories and gain strength, you are worth so much more, every day of NC is a day you are becoming stronger, you can do it
hiscamilla Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Excellent advice, gavinus, and I can back that up. Just spent a lovely weekend walking and going out to eat with friends - feel fabulous !Like my old self, only wiser and stronger and more appreciative of the good life I've made for me and my family. When I remember how he drained so much energy from me with his capricious behaviour...and how I encouraged that..... I literally feel like the Wicked Fairy's spell has been broken. No wonder these people are called 'emotional vampires'- so true How did your weekend go ? Are you feeling any better ? Do let us know.
Author accemoidua Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 Thanks for all of the replies. I just started a new thread called "broke nc, i feel so stupid." Long story short i texted him for my laptop and he started going into our future. He came over and he suggested we make a good/bad list and also take a few days to think about what we wanted. That was last Sunday and the plan was to meet back up on Wednesday. Wednesday after going through each other's lists, he takes my hand and says he thinks i'm the one for him but if we got back together now we would not work, so he thinks we should work on a relationship (still remaining single), go to therapy and see if we can somehow come back together? Oh boy, i fell for it cause i wasn't sure i wanted to be with him. So he spent the night, didn't have sex but came pretty close (i refused to let him penetrate). Woke up that morning to have him pressure me into having a shower with him. After all of that i felt so guilty about giving any part of myself to a man who didn't want to commit. We didn't have sex, but we did everything but. I told him how i felt later that day and he became a complete a**, said that we weren't ready for a relationship and if i wanted to walk away he would respect that. I felt so stupid. I actually thought he meant all the stuff in his letters he was sending to prior to our meeting on Sunday (he would do anything to get me back, he wanted to marry me, have children, etc). All of that just so he could pull me back in and have me as a close FWB? I told him last night that i was moving on and i suggested he do the same. He kept texting me asking me to be more clear. I told him i was on my way out the door and couldn't talk. He wrote back, "oh really, ok." Then he wrote "where r u going." I hate this. I hate being in love with a man who could care less about what he puts me through. NC truly is the solution, but again i'm still trying to figure out whether i should get the 3k back he owes me and my laptop. Ugh, i feel so used...
Peter H Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Hello! This is a big Chance of your Life!! Discover how I got my ex back and never have to worry about relationship problems ever again! if you intereseted CLICK HERE
Author accemoidua Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 Ok, so another update. My ex and i just got into a big blow out via phone. Said his plan was for us to go to 2-3 therapy sessions before jumping back into a relationship. I told him that i wasn't comfortable going to therapy with someone i wasn't with. Told him i'm not comfortable in speaking to him or seeing him like we were together if we're not. I told him i wasn't comfortable with the "non commitment." After screaming at each other for about 20 minutes, he hung up on me. I called him back and told him that it was fine, to just return the laptop and give me the money he owes, he said he guess we can meet up tomorrow and hungup. Hopefully tomorrow will be the last time i deal with him. I was actually beginning to believe the whole "let's work on us first before jumping back into a relationship." Boy, am i really this stupid? Or am I just too damn skeptical? I'm having so much doubt right now. None of it makes sense when i'm speaking to him over the phone, but when i see him and he looks at me i believe everything he says. Why me?
Boundary Problem Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 (edited) None of it makes sense when i'm speaking to him over the phone, but when i see him and he looks at me i believe everything he says. Why me? Best option - forget the laptop and the money Next Best option - send a courier - costs $20 at most. [he will deliberately screw this up. have the delivery to a neutral person at a business address] He won't change unless he wants to. If he wants to he will, no excuses or self-pity party. He'll just do it. It is ok for you to have needs you know. The sky won't fall if you decide that you are entitled to reciprocal love. They are master manipulators and that is why you lose control of the situation in person with him. They aren't as effective at their game from a distance. Edited November 14, 2009 by Boundary Problem
wendy37 Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 please get out and get out now of this situation..i have been in the same as you and am going through the same..my ex is dating someone else and texts me rubbing it in my face almost daily..im hurting so much that my insides are screaming.my ex has played with my emotions so much that i have broken down with that constant pain in my stomach...hes been with other women almost through out our 2 years together.im in no contact and am not replying to his games..its def true what everyone says,its like comming off a drug and going cold turkey..my ex has met someone else is is clearly lying to her as well thats how im looking at my situation.do u think if she knew he was battering me down then telling me he loves me that she would want to know him anymore..im not even going to cut myself finding out who this girl is..she wouldnt believe what i had to say anyway.im not atall strong to him as his texts get to me daily but speaking with him gets to me more so im having to just get my head down and ignore the best i can.right now im feel im one of the weakest people going right now but if i can ignore then i know you can..we have to draw strenth from each other.i have sadly lost all faith in men right now and feel no one could ever love me like he did but the truth is,he never did love me to treat me the way he has..its hard and gets harder but keep busy..forget everything he has of yours,its part of him being in control by hanging on to these things...be bigger than him and dont ask for nothing...he will come round maybe with this laptop of yours and thats when u have to be strong and tell him never to darken your doorstep again..be strong hun please..u are worth more than this xx
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