teo_p Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Hello, I am a new member and i would like your advice for my marriage.I am 34 years old,i've been 3 years married and we have 2 kids.The last 6 months my wife avoids sex although we used to have sex almost 3-4 times a week.Now we have sex almost twice a month!I have noticed that she shows interest for my best friend by asking me very often to invite him at our home.I've seen also that they are talking on the internet very often.I think that she likes him,but i don't know how to find out if something is going on between them.I am very angry with both of them,especially with my wife.What should i do?I love her very much! Thanks
carhill Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 LOL, and I don't mean to make light of your situation at all, my best friend's wife does this all the time with me, especially since my stbx moved into her own house and she knows I'm ostensibly single. The reality is she loves me..... like a brother. Women do that; you'll see volumes of it on LS. OK, with full understanding and acceptance that every situation is different, how has the rest of your marriage been prior to the last six months? Interest, communication and intimacy? Have you asked her to prioritize your M and indicated exactly what actions would cause you to feel that she is? Ceasing inappropriate contact with your best friend would be one request I can think of. My instinct is she's using your friend for an outlet for what she feels she isn't getting from your M. That's based on personal experience as a friend to many women and as a past OM. It does not mean she will have a PA. She's likely already having an EA (emotional affair) as defined by LS standards. That needs to stop for your M to have a chance. There are lots of threads on this dynamic, so carve out some time and read. Your reading will show you many methods of finding out what is going on, but little will adequately prepare you for how you will feel, regardless of what you find out. The process exacts a toll of its own.
asireen Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 What should i do?I love her very much! Thanks That's where your problem is. YOU love her very much and she knows that. She knows she is the one in control and can make you dance on her finger. She has already got marriage and children from you. She even controls how much sex you get. If you two did not have kids together, it would have been time to go each other's way. But in this case, I am not going to suggest divorce since young children are involved. I guess you have to suck it up till the kids are grown.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Were both kids born within the three years? If so, that explains the lack of sex problem. And it will get better, just not soon. Can you see what they are talking about? Is there anything suspicious? Is your best friend the kind of guy who would tell you, "Hey man, here, I bought you a leash for your wife. She's getting out and wandering around the neighborhood, if ya know what I mean." ?
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 If he's not that kind of guy, find a new best friend. I bet carhill would tell his buddy if his wife stepped over the line. amiright?
carhill Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 I bet carhill would tell his buddy if his wife stepped over the line. amiright? I've told him when our interactions make me uncomfortable. My EA has sensitized me to this stuff. That said, as a long-time friend, I also know both of them pretty intimately and know when she's having an 'off' day, and let some behaviors slide, as I hope I wouldn't be judged too vigorously as I go through an emotional time myself right now. The imperative for me as a friend is to support their marriage in the same manner as they've given me support during my divorce. Close, supportive friends are exceedingly hard to find, especially one who'll drive 20 miles into the country to take care of my cat while I'm gone. Priceless I will add, for the OP, that it is possible that your friend possesses qualities and/or characteristics which in some way are beneficial to your wife, and she is interacting with him to gain this benefit. IMO, that's fine, as long as the M is the priority for her. Ask her sometime what she likes about your friend and why she enjoys him being around so much. Then, listen.
Author teo_p Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 Were both kids born within the three years? If so, that explains the lack of sex problem. And it will get better, just not soon. Can you see what they are talking about? Is there anything suspicious? Is your best friend the kind of guy who would tell you, "Hey man, here, I bought you a leash for your wife. She's getting out and wandering around the neighborhood, if ya know what I mean." ? Kids are twins
Author teo_p Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 Thanks for the answers.I think i must through him out of our house and keep him away from my family.
2sunny Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 the problem lies more with your wife and her desire to WANT him around and communicating with him. do they keep any of this a secret from you?
Author teo_p Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 the problem lies more with your wife and her desire to WANT him around and communicating with him. do they keep any of this a secret from you? I don't know if there is something more between them.I know for sure that they are talking on the internet very often.Her behavior makes me believe that she likes him and i really don't know what to do.
2sunny Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 install a keylogger on the computer and you can see all of their correspondence without her knowing. and check her cell bill. and texts. is she phoning and texting without your knowledge?
Devil Inside Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I think that the first thing you need to do is TALK to her. Tell her how you FEEL about the decrease in sex and how you FEEL about her spending time with your friend. How she responds will help you in knowing what to do next. Good luck. Let us know how she responds.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 (edited) Where are you to tell him his wife has fallen out of love with him, is bored of sex and that it is all over and really nothing you can do???? Mem11363, where are you to tell him to get to the gym and become a man and reclaim the love expected in a marriage? Cut and paste your many posts to tell how much sex you have after 20+ years...... OP, you have young twins and thus dynamics will change. Unfortunately mentioning this friend does raise a huge red flag. I will also venture that marriage and commitment really needs to be discussed and understood. She does not respect healthy boundaries. I'd listen to Carhill. Edited November 9, 2009 by Toodamnpragmatic
Author teo_p Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 I told her that i know that she is talking with him and she didn't deny it.She said that they are friends and nothing more.As far as it concerns sex she said that she is tired due to the kids.
Devil Inside Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I told her that i know that she is talking with him and she didn't deny it.She said that they are friends and nothing more.As far as it concerns sex she said that she is tired due to the kids. Teo, first things first, I am glad to see that you stepped up and communicated with your wife about these two issues. Now I think you need to take it a step further. First, about the friend: you and her need to have a discussion around boundaries when it comes to opposite sex friends. There is not general rule with this...it really just depends what feels comfortable to each person. If her chatting online with him does not make you comfortable she needs to know that. Maybe you would feel better if she were to only do it when you were around so that she would not be hiding something. It is important that you let her know how you feel about her talking to him. Do not accuse her of anything, but explain that you have concerns that it could become more and you would like to talk about it. Perhaps you could ask her how she would feel if the situation were reversed and you often spoke with one of her friends. As for the sex: well that makes sense. My wife had a huge drop in libido after both of our children. Ask what you can do to lighten her load...or just start helping more. Maybe if you help more (not saying you don't do anything) she will have more energy at the end of the night for you. Also, maybe you could spice it up by letting her know how much you want her, how beautiful she is, all the stuff you did to win her over. I always think it is better to try to work these issues in a marriage out first before suspecting and investigating infidelity...however...stay connected with her...emotional distance is the breeding grounds for infidelity.
boredwithhusband Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 If you friend is a true friend he would not hide their relationship from you. There are boundaries that each spouse must keep between the opposite sex and friends should have the same respect. I would question both of them regarding their relationship and if the both get defensive and or nervous regarding your questions then at that time you know there is something there more then a friendship. I personally believe that an emotional affair is sometimes worse then a physical one. If i were you i would get to the bottom of it and just straight out ask them what is going on. You have to ask yourself is better to know or not to know?
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